Been there, done that.

[SecondCor521]

Hi all.

This may be a weird post, and I'm not even sure what I'm asking for. General advice, I guess.

By way of context, I'm 56. I just broke off a friendship with a pretty amazing woman because I Liked her but she only liked me - notice the difference in capitalization. I also enrolled my Dad in hospice on Thursday. Overall I'm doing OK. But I think I'm a little bit sad overall about both of those things and wished they both worked out differently.

I've got time. I've got money. I've got health. But I'm having a hard time getting excited about doing anything.

It seems like everyone else has things they enjoy doing. It varies from person to person. But there's pretty much something for everyone - travel, raising their kids, volunteering, spending time with friends, baking sourdough bread, learning a foreign language, drinking, gambling, church, arguing about politics, figuring out Roth conversions, restoring old cars, whatever it may be.

I have a bucket list that I made nine years ago, but pretty much everything on it doesn't interest me, feels like a chore, or in most cases, is similar enough to something I've already done to not be really that interesting. For example, any travel related thing - well, I've traveled enough. I haven't been to the south of France, but I've been to Paris. I suspect they also speak French in the south of France just like in Paris, so it's similar enough for me to say "been there, done that". I've traveled enough to see interesting things, beautiful things, historical things, and fun things.

I am doing some things - training for a marathon and working on my private pilot certificate. But I'll probably get both of those done this year, and then what? I play bridge, but I've been playing for nine years and I'm pretty good. I volunteer, but if I stopped volunteering there'd be others who would take my place, and I've done "enough" volunteering.

A lot of stuff I've already done - learning foreign languages, raising my kids, figuring out Roth conversions, baking sourdough bread.

A lot of stuff doesn't interest me - gambling, drinking, arguing about politics, restoring old cars, African safaris.

It's a weird spot to be in.

P.S. -- I recognize I'm a bit down about my ex-friend and my Dad, but that's not really the main point of this post - the main goal of this post is to figure out how to move forward from where I am. I also want to publicly say thank you to the folks who messaged me in support after I mentioned those things in another post. You know who you are. Thank you.

 

[GrayHare]

I suspect many people who enroll a parent in hospice have a lot on their mind and therefore experience a temporary lull in interests. Time heals.

 

[razztazz]

I've been there for a number of years. I stopped fighting it. If today is good enough then it's good enough. I even considered if this might be like some early warning indication of encroaching depression? No. Still here after all these years. Not feeling depressed. Still like to laugh. Still, in a benign pro-forma way "worry" about money and the future. Still care about losing 10 pounds and washing my car every week. Not the signs of a depressed person looking to check out early, so, no, not depression.

I dropped or have back-burnered my "learn a new language" plans. I used to be conversational in Spanish many yrs ago. Got me nowhere. Same with the guitar after learning enough to accompany singing. The drive to be really good wasn't there plus in the future when I downsize.... won't be able to jump, jive, and wail in an apartment. So, how does this diminish me?

Stop fighting it.

 

[Koolau]

I'm sure you know that you've laid out some pretty typical signs of depression. I'm not qualified to diagnose and wouldn't if I could.

My suggestion is to get some "help" (professional help). There is nothing to be ashamed of - no more than if you had a stress fracture and sought treatment. I'd suggest starting with your PCP. Start with the physical stuff and w*rk from there if need be.

Blessings on you. Feel free to stop back here whenever you feel like it. We care.

 

[mystang52]

I'm sure you know that you've laid out some pretty typical signs of depression. I'm not qualified to diagnose and wouldn't if I could.

My suggestion is to get some "help" (professional help). There is nothing to be ashamed of - no more than if you had a stress fracture and sought treatment. I'd suggest starting with your PCP. Start with the physical stuff and w*rk from there if need be.

Blessings on you. Feel free to stop back here whenever you feel like it. We care.

I'm also not a doctor, but I second Koolau's advice.

 

[imjustawarrior]

I am sorry to hear about your father and your lady friend.

Based on your user name, I would recommend searching the Bible for the answers. I don't know how much I can say on this forum, but when I was in a dark place, that helped me a lot. Put into practice what you read. The most significant parts of my life have to do with relationships and serving others.

Here is a verse that I have found very useful lately. Psalm 55:22

 

[YellowSubmarine]

Hi all.

This may be a weird post, and I'm not even sure what I'm asking for. General advice, I guess.

By way of context, I'm 56. I just broke off a friendship with a pretty amazing woman because I Liked her but she only liked me - notice the difference in capitalization. I also enrolled my Dad in hospice on Thursday. Overall I'm doing OK. But I think I'm a little bit sad overall about both of those things and wished they both worked out differently.

I've got time. I've got money. I've got health. But I'm having a hard time getting excited about doing anything.

It seems like everyone else has things they enjoy doing. It varies from person to person. But there's pretty much something for everyone - travel, raising their kids, volunteering, spending time with friends, baking sourdough bread, learning a foreign language, drinking, gambling, church, arguing about politics, figuring out Roth conversions, restoring old cars, whatever it may be.

I have a bucket list that I made nine years ago, but pretty much everything on it doesn't interest me, feels like a chore, or in most cases, is similar enough to something I've already done to not be really that interesting. For example, any travel related thing - well, I've traveled enough. I haven't been to the south of France, but I've been to Paris. I suspect they also speak French in the south of France just like in Paris, so it's similar enough for me to say "been there, done that". I've traveled enough to see interesting things, beautiful things, historical things, and fun things.

I am doing some things - training for a marathon and working on my private pilot certificate. But I'll probably get both of those done this year, and then what? I play bridge, but I've been playing for nine years and I'm pretty good. I volunteer, but if I stopped volunteering there'd be others who would take my place, and I've done "enough" volunteering.

A lot of stuff I've already done - learning foreign languages, raising my kids, figuring out Roth conversions, baking sourdough bread.

A lot of stuff doesn't interest me - gambling, drinking, arguing about politics, restoring old cars, African safaris.

It's a weird spot to be in.

P.S. -- I recognize I'm a bit down about my ex-friend and my Dad, but that's not really the main point of this post - the main goal of this post is to figure out how to move forward from where I am. I also want to publicly say thank you to the folks who messaged me in support after I mentioned those things in another post. You know who you are. Thank you.

It's never to late to read..."What Color Is Your Parachute". You will find it addresses many life decisions and crisis...at least I found it helpful over 40 years ago.

 

[Trailwalker]

You've had a couple of significant life changes recently. When that happened to me last year, I lowered my expectations and focused on self-care: getting enough rest, drinking less alcohol, exercising more, accepting help from friends. Pretty soon (many months later), I found myself setting new goals and beginning to pursue those goals.

 

[Aerides]

You have a lot going on so it's natural to feel a bit unmoored. Give yourself some grace to not have to figure this out for a while. If it's a "phase" that's fine. Counseling is also a viable choice.

P.S. I just got back from the south of France, and I wouldn't say it's not like Paris at all really, a truly beautiful part of the world, far more relaxed and very different food and scenery.

 

[JoeWras]

The period where my Dad declined and died caused an 8 year void in my life.

 

[MarieIG]

I actually think you are in a bit of a mourning period now - for your DF and for your relationship.

When my parents were dying - I was almost perpetually sad / lackluster / numb - even when I was not consciously thinking about them. The grief of what was going on tainted my ability to feel excited about anything.

I don't think you can force moving forward until you have had some time to heal. Be very gentle to yourself and don't expect too much right now. There are some good suggestions in this thread, but even with support, it will take time.

 

[Out of Steam]

The period where my Dad declined and died caused an 8 year void in my life.

There are times in one's life where it isn't possible to do more than put one foot in front of the other. I regained a 60 pound weight loss in the two years before and after my mother died. Managing my diet was more than I could deal with at the time.

 

[Luvtoride]

SecondCor, sorry you are having a difficult time. Your post reminds me of the saying “money doesn’t buy happiness”. You mentioned KIDS (been there done that) but you didn’t expand on your family and the relationships with them. Is that a source of further sadness or potential happiness? What about friends? Yes, without a Significant other it may be harder to socialize but do you have some friends who you still socialize with as a couple or single guy friends to do things with. I think both of these areas would help get you out of your funk and start enjoying your money and your health more. Live each day as it comes without worrying about the long term future. Best of luck.

 

[aja8888]

Give yourself time.

Do you have any close friends? If so, spend more time with them to get your mind off the losses.

When my wife died 2 years ago, I went into some weird kind of depression and grief mode. And I made a lot of untimely decisions. I'm kind of like you now, just looking for what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life and I turn 82 soon.

I got a great dog though! And he is really something!

 

[JoeWras]

I should add some context to my 8 year post.

Mom died before Dad, and it was extremely painful, but with Dad being so resilient, it didn't hurt as much. 5 years after Mom passed, Dad started to decline. This started the "dark" period. That was about 3 years, including 6 months of hospice and dealing with wacko doctors (not hospice, but the non-hospice docs). Then 5 years after Dad passed, I functioned OK on normal stuff. But things like starting or ending friendships were too much. Things like engaging in a new activity such as a hobby, exercise routine, or sport were too much. I am married and DW was supportive. If I were single, I'd probably be a bad companion. But since DW knew my Dad so well, it was different. My work suffered greatly and I spent a lot of time here thinking about retirement. Basically, if you consider work a relationship, I was a terrible partner. They were not supportive either, but that's a different story.

Finally, pain fades. I retired, but pain was still there, and then a year into retirement, new horizons began. Then COVID hit, but that's another story... But maybe not. I think a lot of us are suffering from crap from COVID, and it lingers. Perhaps for me it was front loaded, but I know the double shot of COVID plus issues with life are hurting my friends greatly.

 

[EastWest Gal]

I think it would be strange not to feel sad and blah when you just put your father into hospice and broke up with someone. Give yourself some time and space. Some here have suggested

An 86 year old friend of mine lost her husband of 60+ years over a year ago. She has described it as a "fog of grief." You may be experience the grief in advance of losing your father. My parents had a slow decline and I went through a lot of those feelings while it was happening. By the time they passed away, I felt more relief than grief. The grief had already been experienced.

 

[aja8888]

I think it would be strange not to feel sad and blah when you just put your father into hospice and broke up with someone. Give yourself some time and space. Some here have suggested

An 86 year old friend of mine lost her husband of 60+ years over a year ago. She has described it as a "fog of grief." You may be experience the grief in advance of losing your father. My parents had a slow decline and I went through a lot of those feelings while it was happening. By the time they passed away, I felt more relief than grief. The grief had already been experienced.

The "fog of grief" is a real thing as I experienced it for a good year after my wife passed away in late 2022.

 

[SecondCor521]

Thanks everyone.

On depression - I've been depressed and on antidepressants before, so I both know what you're talking about and see what you're saying.

I'm not suicidal or checking out or anything. But I am low for sure.

Another aspect to it I realize is that I am physically pretty wiped out. The running takes a physical toll. The flight training takes a physical and mental toll. The emotions of the woman and my Dad take a physical and mental and emotional toll. I've lost about 45 pounds in the last six months, which has taken a toll.

I am in good physical shape, though. 5'10", 175, heart rate 70, BP 100/70, no medications, no illnesses, no disease (other than possible situational depression, see above), good bloodwork.

ETA: My replies are only up through about post #5. I'll read and respond to the later posts later. Thanks everyone!

 

[Koolau]

I think it's good that you are taking stock of your physical and mental health. It sounds like you are on top of things. You will need time to heal and someone to talk to. As I mentioned, we're here for you but you may have closer friends who can help by listening (hopefully mostly listening - not "solving" the issues). Blessings to you.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

I can't help with your dad's situation.

But as far as your woman friend, what I've always noticed is when one woman moves on, another replaces her.

You might not want a new one, so consider that possibility. Take your time.

I wouldn't be surprised in the least if you come across someone new way faster than you might think. That's how it has gone for me.

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

OP, hope you start feeling a lot better.

You mentioned the fact that you went to Paris and see no need to venture further from there because it is pretty much the same. I've traveled a bunch, and know that there is a whole different world outside of the big cities. I'm not advocating for you to spend more time in France, but to hopefully inspire you to see the opportunities for further exploration. For example, years ago, we started our European travels in Zurich, but spent most of the time wandering around the countryside in very much more relaxed settings where you could actually get to know the locals a bit. More recently, we have moved beyond Tokyo and Osaka to explore more rural Japan. It really is like two different countries. Even if you are staying only in Tokyo, once you've seen the temples and shrines, there sure are interesting experiences like going to baseball and basketball games--you know, doing what the locals do.

May your situational depression improve and may you find a wealth of new enrichment.

 

[SecondCor521]

Posting more but still have to reread posts #6 onward more closely.

The other weird thing for me is that most of the time I've been very self sufficient. For the past 20 years, I've been a single Dad who has had to raise kids, manage my job, help my parents, etc. and I've been strong enough to do so.

The past month or so I've felt weak - physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally - and I've had to vent and rely on family and friends far more than I have in a very long time. This is a rare and uncomfortable situation.

I think some have mentioned this, but I do vaguely understand that I probably need to take care of myself and recuperate for now. I did just book myself a short vacation for this next weekend to pamper myself a little bit, which is in line with this idea.

Thanks again, everyone. I'll respond a bit more to the responses later.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

Hi all.

This may be a weird post, and I'm not even sure what I'm asking for. General advice, I guess.

By way of context, I'm 56. I just broke off a friendship with a pretty amazing woman because I Liked her but she only liked me - notice the difference in capitalization. I also enrolled my Dad in hospice on Thursday. Overall I'm doing OK. But I think I'm a little bit sad overall about both of those things and wished they both worked out differently.

I've got time. I've got money. I've got health. But I'm having a hard time getting excited about doing anything.

It seems like everyone else has things they enjoy doing. It varies from person to person. But there's pretty much something for everyone - travel, raising their kids, volunteering, spending time with friends, baking sourdough bread, learning a foreign language, drinking, gambling, church, arguing about politics, figuring out Roth conversions, restoring old cars, whatever it may be.

I have a bucket list that I made nine years ago, but pretty much everything on it doesn't interest me, feels like a chore, or in most cases, is similar enough to something I've already done to not be really that interesting. For example, any travel related thing - well, I've traveled enough. I haven't been to the south of France, but I've been to Paris. I suspect they also speak French in the south of France just like in Paris, so it's similar enough for me to say "been there, done that". I've traveled enough to see interesting things, beautiful things, historical things, and fun things.

I am doing some things - training for a marathon and working on my private pilot certificate. But I'll probably get both of those done this year, and then what? I play bridge, but I've been playing for nine years and I'm pretty good. I volunteer, but if I stopped volunteering there'd be others who would take my place, and I've done "enough" volunteering.

A lot of stuff I've already done - learning foreign languages, raising my kids, figuring out Roth conversions, baking sourdough bread.

A lot of stuff doesn't interest me - gambling, drinking, arguing about politics, restoring old cars, African safaris.

It's a weird spot to be in.

P.S. -- I recognize I'm a bit down about my ex-friend and my Dad, but that's not really the main point of this post - the main goal of this post is to figure out how to move forward from where I am. I also want to publicly say thank you to the folks who messaged me in support after I mentioned those things in another post. You know who you are. Thank you.

Come to my farm in Minnesota and we'll go fishing and eat elk steak. I mean it. I've been where you are. I've done it all with the whole ER thing, no more volunteering ( I did a ton, nobody gives a hoot) I never cared at all for gambling or drinking (too much). I turn 60 next month.

I miss my dad and mom more than I can say, even though they both made it to 90 plus.

If I am going to be happy from now on it is up to me.

 

[Koolau]

Posting more but still have to reread posts #6 onward more closely.

The other weird thing for me is that most of the time I've been very self sufficient. For the past 20 years, I've been a single Dad who has had to raise kids, manage my job, help my parents, etc. and I've been strong enough to do so.

The past month or so I've felt weak - physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally - and I've had to vent and rely on family and friends far more than I have in a very long time. This is a rare and uncomfortable situation.

I think some have mentioned this, but I do vaguely understand that I probably need to take care of myself and recuperate for now. I did just book myself a short vacation for this next weekend to pamper myself a little bit, which is in line with this idea.

Thanks again, everyone. I'll respond a bit more to the responses later.

The fact that you have physical symptoms again suggests that you immediately schedule an appointment with your PCP.

Thanks for being so open about your situation. Sometimes it's not easy being so vulnerable to your friends. It sounds like you are doing many things right, seeking help from family and friends.

Blessings to you.

 

[DrRoy]

You could take a look at Meetup.com to see if anything appeals to you. Beyond that, a bit of therapy or a mild pill might be worth a go also. My wife has a prescription for general anxiety disorder, and since election season last year plus the death of her father in April is not doing the best either.