Best friend just died suddenly

[Koolau]

Time surely does seem to go by faster as we are older. The hourglass with sand falling through is an optical illusion. When the hourglass is full, it looks like the sand if falling at a slower pace than when the hourglass is almost empty. Yet in actually both are falling at the same speed.

I still have a mental picture of sitting in 1st grade in May. Looking out the windows, I saw the green leaves waving in the wind. I STILL recall wondering WHEN will I EVER get out of here!?

I wish I could recapture some of that "slow time" - I'd gladly be bored for just a few of those lost minutes if it would slow down time.

Alas, time moves at its own rate and we're prisoners within it.

Returning you now...

 

[skyking1]

I'm sorry for your hearting heart, and sending hugs.

 

[More Cowbell]

My condolences at the unexpected loss of your long time family friend. So hard to lose such a special relationship. I hope you find some solace in the numerous memories your friend and DH and the families made together.

 

[shotgunner]

I am very sorry to read about the loss of your lifelong friend. I wish I could say I can't imagine how you feel but I believe I know exactly how you feel. One of my oldest and closest friends since Grade School passed away a few weeks before his 65th birthday from a massive heart attack last June. We were closer and shared more experiences than many brothers do. He had been over to my home four days before he passed. It was quite sobering to help carry him to his grave. When a lifelong friend passes you lose a connection to someone who knew you has a child into adulthood. You lose the ability to share the memories of your youth with someone who was there. It's devastating. It changes one's view of the world as the world becomes a little more empty and cold. I cherish the memories of my friendship, but his death leaves a hole in my heart that will not heal. I remind myself to love those who are still left and let them know it along with mindfully enjoying the time I have left. I am also so very thankful I was retired 9 years before his death because he didn't get a chance to retire.

 

[ivinsfan]

shotgunner, I agree with your comments, my younger brother died last year a few months after his 67th birthday. As far as childhood friends we didn't have any due to the fact my DD was a 20plus year Army grunt who retired as we became teenagers. So with my DM, my DF and my DB all gone, I have no one that knew me during my early years. no one to talk to about the memories . Due to family circumstances and Army life, no real connection with Aunts and Uncles and for the most part cousins. So I would say to pacegals hubby, you had a very special relationship and yes the hurt will continue but hopefully you can cherish the blessing of a long and important friendship.

 

[iloveyoga]

Wow, late last night received unwelcome news. One of the couple (our good friends who've in California that I frequently mention) passed away last night.
He and DH have been friends since HS, he was like a brother. I have known him and his DW for almost 50 years, met just out of HS.
He was out shopping with his wife, felt ill, ambulance called, he had a sudden heart attack and was unable to be revived.
We are in a state of shock. His 68th birthday is tomorrow.

We have traveled frequently with them, the guys were in each others weddings. Heck, we each got married two months apart, same year. Our two kids were born same months/same years as two of theirs! Our families have vacationed at the beach and in the mountains together when the kids were young.

I grieve so much for the loss in our lives and the lives of his family. He was their rock. He gave the BEST bear hugs! DH and I have been crying off and on all night.
They have another grand baby due next month. The circle of Life continues. I rejoice that he is with God. But my heart is hurting.

I am very sorry for your loss.

 

[Luvtoride]

Sad news for sure, 68 is still too young. Sounds like the family will be very changed by his passing.

Sometimes I wonder though, about the comparison of sudden loss of a loved one vs a long drawn out decline and eventual passing. The sudden is harder to accept when it happens, but minimizes the suffering of the person who died. Whereas with the long decline, the family and friends have time to prepare mentally and the death is just the final step in the process. Yes the loss is still just as real, but the only shock is the final timing, not the fact the person has been dying and suffering from their illness for an extended length of time.

Very valid analysis 38chevy. I’m not sure which is “worse” overall. I do find myself thinking about these things too as we and our friends are at that age (late 60s, approaching 70).
Pacergirl, I’m very sorry for the loss of your dear friend. It reminds me of the loss of my best friend during the first few months of Covid. It wasn’t due to Covid, but his sudden taking ill was complicated by Covid protocols and restrictions. We couldn’t even see him in the hospital during his dying days there. At the time, he had just closed his long time business and sold the property it was in, getting ready to enjoy a well deserved retirement at age 63. Terrible for his family and his many friends, who we were among his closest.

It has certainly impacted my thinking and actions in retirement now. I know this site and forum deals with many aspects of managing finances for a long and comfortable retired life, but none of us know how long that will be.

 

[pacergal]

Oh my Goodness! My heart is bit lighter, waking up and reading all of these.
This is such a warm and caring community, I thank you all and feel blessed to be a part of this forum.

We are waiting to hear from the family about plans, I would imagine we will be making the drive to California sometime in the next week or so.
DH has been in touch with several other HS friends, who they all shared apts with in college (6 guys, two apartments next to each other--oh the parties! lol). They are just as shocked as we.

DH and I sat down and reviewed pictures from many of our travels together last night. Bittersweet, but nice.
Last year when we were all together, we actually talked and laughed about what we would do when one of us passed. We assured each other that the "couple left would continue to include the single" on future trips. His wife and I laughed about helping each other roll out luggage and walkers down the hallways in our 80's. This is much too soon. I hope she feels comfortable to continue our trips, but I am not sure I would if the situation was reversed. It's odd.

Anyway, I ramble.
Thank you all for your care!

 

[Car-Guy]

It's always sad when someone close to us dies. But it's the circle of life for all of us. I think the younger and/or healthier a family member or friend is that dies, somehow makes it harder on us.

 

[aja8888]

Oh my Goodness! My heart is bit lighter, waking up and reading all of these.
This is such a warm and caring community, I thank you all and feel blessed to be a part of this forum.

We are waiting to hear from the family about plans, I would imagine we will be making the drive to California sometime in the next week or so.
DH has been in touch with several other HS friends, who they all shared apts with in college (6 guys, two apartments next to each other--oh the parties! lol). They are just as shocked as we.

DH and I sat down and reviewed pictures from many of our travels together last night. Bittersweet, but nice.
Last year when we were all together, we actually talked and laughed about what we would do when one of us passed. We assured each other that the "couple left would continue to include the single" on future trips. His wife and I laughed about helping each other roll out luggage and walkers down the hallways in our 80's. This is much too soon. I hope she feels comfortable to continue our trips, but I am not sure I would if the situation was reversed. It's odd.

Anyway, I ramble.
Thank you all for your care!

Once again, pacergal, sorry for the tremendous loss you both have just experienced.

An observation here is that the new widow/widower will be included for a while, but as time passes, that will slowly die off. It is happening to me two years after my wife passed. Only one couple of of many married friends we had ( over 30+ years) really invites me to spend time with them. Basically, I don't bring much to the activities (couples) anymore. The fit is not the same.

It's just the way it is.

 

[Ian S]

Wow, that's a devastating loss when the person is so close. My condolences to you and yours.

My best and oldest friend when I was a kid is in the hospital suffering from metastatic cancer in his brain. Alas, circumstances have kept us geographically separated for many years but I visit him when I can, the last being this past August. His has been a slow decline from when he was first diagnosed with esophageal cancer some years ago so the approaching end is not unexpected. Still, it's a hard one with probably many more on the way as I enter my mid-70s. It's all part of life and, as others have said, make the most of the time you have left.

 

[Ian S]

I have also used appliances, cars, jobs, heck even some pieces of clothing as measuring devices. As in, I think I have about 3.5 cars left in my life. Or I might be good for 2 refrigerators. It is a strange way to view life for sure.

Interesting, I've had the same thoughts in the last couple of years. The good news is, with the decreasing longevity of major appliances, you might easily have more time left than two refrigerators worth!

 

[steady saver]

I'm sorry pacergal. I've been there and the shock is overwhelming. I'm so glad you and your DH have each other to comfort one another in this sad time. What a gift to have had such a dear friend in your lives for so long.

 

[Route246]

Condolences. I lost my father in Jan 2022 and my brother in Dec 2022. 2022 was not a good year as I became an adult orphan and I also became the only surviving member of my immediate family. The only saving grace was they transitioned under hospice care and we were able to say long goodbyes to both of them. I feel blessed to also lose my mother in hospice care after a long goodbye. I could imagine my grieving would have been worse if they died suddenly leaving no time to say goodbye and gain closure.

 

[shotgunner]

Why does time move so slowly when we are young and so quickly when we get old? The best answer I ever heard (or read) was that when you are young you have far to go so it takes a long time. When you are old you don't so time flies.
At 56+tax I have less time ahead of me than behind me. How much is anyone's guess.
I have also used appliances, cars, jobs, heck even some pieces of clothing as measuring devices. As in, I think I have about 3.5 cars left in my life. Or I might be good for 2 refrigerators. It is a strange way to view life for sure.

Why does time move faster when we get old? The answer is simple, when you were 10 years old a year was 1/10 of time/existence as you knew it. When you are 60 a year is 1/60 of time/existence as you know it. I am well aware the new vehicle I am looking to buy this year might be last because I have held on to my Toyotas for 15 years.

 

[Dtail]

Once again, pacergal, sorry for the tremendous loss you both have just experienced.

An observation here is that the new widow/widower will be included for a while, but as time passes, that will slowly die off. It is happening to me two years after my wife passed. Only one couple of of many married friends we had ( over 30+ years) really invites me to spend time with them. Basically, I don't bring much to the activities (couples) anymore. The fit is not the same.

It's just the way it is.

I would think going out to eat together could still work, but I don't know, as we have only lost one friend from a couples relationship.

 

[Venturer]

I'm so sorry to read this but I can relate. My cousin/best friend lost his wife last year. My wife and I double dated with them in highschool and have been very close since. He and I sang in a southern gospel quartet together,and she played the piano for us on occasion. She was one of the most giving and loving person an it still hurts to think about it. My prayers will be for you and her family in the coming days. Remembering the good times will help.

 

[mystang52]

"...I have also used appliances, cars, jobs, heck even some pieces of clothing as measuring devices. As in, I think I have about 3.5 cars left in my life. Or I might be good for 2 refrigerators. It is a strange way to view life for sure."

Along this lines, I remember when Alex Trebek gave his public announcement of his cancer, and mentioned that he had a new Jeopardy! contract and he intended to adhere to that contract. Sadly it didn't work out that way. DW and I have a few more trips booked for this year, and I tell myself that ensures I'll be around for them! Already planning for trips in 2026..........

 

[oldtrig]

I still have a mental picture of sitting in 1st grade in May. Looking out the windows, I saw the green leaves waving in the wind. I STILL recall wondering WHEN will I EVER get out of here!?

I wish I could recapture some of that "slow time" - I'd gladly be bored for just a few of those lost minutes if it would slow down time.

Alas, time moves at its own rate and we're prisoners within it.

Returning you now...

A great post Koolau. Our 60th HS reunion is in May . I'm not sure I want to be around all those old people

 

[Go-NoGo]

So sad to read this, my condolences and sorry for your loss.

 

[pacergal]

Once again, pacergal, sorry for the tremendous loss you both have just experienced.

An observation here is that the new widow/widower will be included for a while, but as time passes, that will slowly die off. It is happening to me two years after my wife passed. Only one couple of of many married friends we had ( over 30+ years) really invites me to spend time with them. Basically, I don't bring much to the activities (couples) anymore. The fit is not the same.

It's just the way it is.

This is our sadness. DH and I talked about this last night, as we both think/feel that it may happen. So not only have we lost one friend, we will most likely, over time, lose the other. Along with thier kids. Our two families were like one big one. DH also graduated HS with her older brother. He is the one who died from brain cancer that I have mentioned.
So the loss is magnified.
It is what it is, that is true.

Her brother called me last night. Some plans are beginning to be put together, will most likely have a date for memorial later. She did have them donate what organs they could and he will be cremated. Her brothers ashes were scattered on the Oregon coast, where they spent their summers with her Grandparents, so likely that will happen in the future also.
I am in touch daily via text with her and her kids.

Again, Thank you all for sharing your condolences. It means a lot. This is a thoughtful community.

 

[CindyBlue]

This is our sadness. DH and I talked about this last night, as we both think/feel that it may happen. So not only have we lost one friend, we will most likely, over time, lose the other. Along with thier kids. Our two families were like one big one. DH also graduated HS with her older brother. He is the one who died from brain cancer that I have mentioned.
So the loss is magnified.
It is what it is, that is true.

Her brother called me last night. Some plans are beginning to be put together, will most likely have a date for memorial later. She did have them donate what organs they could and he will be cremated. Her brothers ashes were scattered on the Oregon coast, where they spent their summers with her Grandparents, so likely that will happen in the future also.
I am in touch daily via text with her and her kids.

Again, Thank you all for sharing your condolences. It means a lot. This is a thoughtful community.

I'm late to this thread, and I'm so sorry, pacergal... I lost my husband last August, and for a long time I didn't want to see anyone - still don't really, unless it's close friends and also that we have an activity to do together, not just sitting and talking...that's too hard. Your friend's wife might or might not feel that way, too.

I feel the start of the loss of one of our formerly very close "couple" friends, too. But the others still invite me and I'm hoping they still will. I think you won't lose your friend's wife as a friend if you, as the couple, keep asking her to be with you. I am grateful for my friends who constantly contacted - and contact - me with invitations with anything from crafting, to playing cards in the afternoon, to playing pickleball, to going out to dinner - just being together. It's only been six months for me, so I'm hoping my friends don't "fade away"...but yours doesn't have to, with loving effort from you.

It's so hard...I feel for her and you...my heart hurts...

 

[pacergal]

I'm late to this thread, and I'm so sorry, pacergal... I lost my husband last August, and for a long time I didn't want to see anyone - still don't really, unless it's close friends and also that we have an activity to do together, not just sitting and talking...that's too hard. Your friend's wife might or might not feel that way, too.

I feel the start of the loss of one of our formerly very close "couple" friends, too. But the others still invite me and I'm hoping they still will. I think you won't lose your friend's wife as a friend if you, as the couple, keep asking her to be with you. I am grateful for my friends who constantly contacted - and contact - me with invitations with anything from crafting, to playing cards in the afternoon, to playing pickleball, to going out to dinner - just being together. It's only been six months for me, so I'm hoping my friends don't "fade away"...but yours doesn't have to, with loving effort from you.

It's so hard...I feel for her and you...my heart hurts...

Thank you for your perspective.

 

[ivinsfan]

Cindyblue Thank you for checking in. It's good to hear how you are doing.

 

[ls99]

As veteran widower, I do feel pacergal's pain.
Through most of my life my memo to me was always, do like your own company, as in time it may be one of very few.