Blowing Our Cover

Route246

Full time employment: Posting here.
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We are shopping for a home to upgrade to, primarily for AA purposes (reducing 95 percent equities position) and for a retirement project for me.

Problem is, my wife is uneasy about exposing our wealth to prying friends and family as our wealth is very stealth and well-concealed for the most part. I really don't care but she has sensitivities and feel her friends and family relationships might change if they find out we are truly FI as most of them are not. She has hinted that I recently inherited half of the proceeds of my parents' home but the truth is, we lived below our means and have been saving mostly in low expense ratio SP500-funds for the past 30+ years compounding tremendously along the way. Anyone with a decent wage who would have done this would probably also be surprised how close they are or how far they exceeded FI. It's not magic, it is just adherence to Bob Brinker's and John Bogle's methods of savings.

That said, I told her to just chill and accept the fact they will know we are FI and leave it at that. Not sure what I can do for her at this point but she values these relationships and does not want them to change.
 
...That said, I told her to just chill and accept the fact they will know we are FI and leave it at that. Not sure what I can do for her at this point but she values these relationships and does not want them to change.
I agree. Another way to look at it is if these relationships that she so values will change for the worse if these friends sense that you are FI then perhaps they were not valuable relationships worth keeping to begin with.

I have a good high school friend, and really my only close relationship from that time of my life. He is a great guy and of modest means, but all is good. The disparity in our wealth is obvious, but not at all an issue.
 
Part of being Financially Independent is being (wait for it) Independent. You don't depend on others for anything (including your own view of yourself.)

Time to just live your life in the time remaining while continuing to be a good friend to your friends - but stop worrying about what THEY think of you.

It's a hard habit to break - worrying about what others think. But doing so is very liberating. Chances are, you will notice no difference in your friends attitudes toward you. YMMV
 
I can’t imagine why anyone would care what others think about what they spend their own money on.
I actually "get it" but I've made a conscious effort to ignore such "old" feelings and get on with my life - which gets a day shorter every day.
 
I don't get the concern. We live amongst billionaires and $100+ Millionaires and we are all friends. In fact, we were discussing Medicare deductions over lunch with our good friends, a couple who owns nice homes in 2 different states. Their IRMAA is at the highest bracket and let out that their retirement income is in 7 figures each year. It does not change a damn thing how we treat each other.
 
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I don't get the concern. We live amongst billionaires and $100+ Millionaires and we are all friends. In fact, we were discussing Medicare deductions over lunch with our good friends, a couple who owns nice homes in 2 different states. Their IRMAA is at the the highest bracket and let out that their retirement income is in 7 figures each year. It does not change a damn thing how we treat each other.
Most times, it's our FEARS of what others will think/say that bothers us. The reality is often much less of an issue than our fears.
 
I think "people" have known for a long time that we had above-average money. We have not worried about it much and have been grateful that almost no salespeople have figured it out. We blew our cover a couple of years ago by building a new lake home that the county values at $1.07M. (It actually cost more than that. ) So I guess our lake relatives and friends may have revised their estimates but no one has said anything and we have not noticed any other negative effects. No one has asked about the mortgage; actually there is no mortgage.

We have recently advised our family that, upon our death and DS's death, the lake place and some support funds will go into a trust that will hold the property for biological family and descendants to use. Family was quite surprised by that but, again, no negative effects.

That said, I told her to just chill and accept the fact they will know we are FI and leave it at that. Not sure what I can do for her at this point but she values these relationships and does not want them to change.
OP, based on our experience I think you're spot on with this view. Nothing much has changed for us except we now have a really nice house. Good luck with DW.
 
Most times, it's our FEARS of what others will think/say that bothers us. The reality is often much less of an issue than our fears.
What has helped me immensely to stop worrying about what others will think is the realization that the vast majority of people are not thinking about me at all. They're thinking about themselves and their own issues, just as I am.
 
People who know us just know that we're wealthy. You don't have to flaunt it, but I never understood hiding your blessings because you're worried about "offending" people.
 
If this would be a significant upgrade/change in home value and income (such as going from a $3-600k home to a multimillion mega home, I suppose I can see her initial concern.
However, we have absolutely no control over what others think of us.

If I were to lose friends over their thoughts on my monetary value, then they were not really friends in my book. Good riddance.
Your money is of no concern to anybody else but you and your wife.

My 2 cents
 
I agree with those who say most folks are spending more time thinking about themselves than about you.

For those who may be thinking about you, my view aligns with this saying:

Those who matter, don't mind.
Those who mind, don't matter.
 
Sometimes less is more. There is simply no need to expound on your finances. If you wife values the relationships, it might be better if she did not comment on your financial status - rather than making up stories (i.e. the inheritance). I know I would not feel differently about them if one of my friends (or relatives) bought an upgraded or high end house (and yes some have), but I would not feel the same about them if I found out they deliberately lied to me.
 
Sometimes less is more. There is simply no need to expound on your finances. If you wife values the relationships, it might be better if she did not comment on your financial status - rather than making up stories (i.e. the inheritance). I know I would not feel differently about them if one of my friends (or relatives) bought an upgraded or high end house (and yes some have), but I would not feel the same about them if I found out they deliberately lied to me.
I agree with this.

Congrats to the OP for being in such a wonderful position. Happy househunting.
 
To any remarks about how big/expensive the new house is, I'd reply "But you should see the mortgage!"
My exact advise.... I just bought a newer truck, and have had several people make the "you must be rich" bitch.... I bitch back about barely able to make the payment.
 
My thoughts"

Who cares what they think?
Are "prying friends" really friends, if you worry about your friends snooping and looking for dirt to judge against you (especially your successes) are the friends friends or much less/worse? Conversely, how good friends are you with them if your wife is already trying to deceive them by dropping misdirecting hints as to the source of your wealth?
Most "typical" people will probably just assume you borrowed and are in debt to your eyeballs and as broke at they are... maybe jealous you could borrow more than them.

Start dressing and acting like a stereotypical drug dealer. BTD and pay actors to come and go at odd hours. If you're going to deceive the neighbors, have fun with it!
 
You should live your life any way that you can afford to.
 
Is there some reason for keeping one's wealth "very stealth and well concealed" over the many years? It's one thing to not flaunt it but it's another to take extraordinary measures to hide it.

Perhaps even depriving yourself of maybe a little extra comfort or convenience? Man, talk about living your life for other people!

This is the other end of the spectrum of those who "spend money they don't have to impress people they don't know"... and equally disturbing.
 
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