mountainsoft
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
My wife's mother is getting close to 80 years old and lives alone. She still gets around OK, cooks for herself, still drives short distances around town, does her own laundry, etc. Several years ago she had uterine and rectal cancer and now has a stoma bag that needs to be changed twice a week. I'm pretty sure she would be capable of changing it herself, as she has done it before, though she says it's hard to see what she's doing. So the youngest three daughters (one of which is my wife) have taken turns doing this for her over the last several years.
Unfortunately, the youngest daughter (now in her 40's) who had been sharing the duties, just had twin babies and can't drive. So my wife has picked up the duties her sister had been doing. If that wasn't enough, she seems overwhelmed caring for her babies, so my wife has stepped in to help care for them too.
Her younger sister used to visit once a month to meet with her daughter. But her daughter recently passed away, so no more visits, meaning my wife picked up those duties too.
So for us, what started as a monthly visit, became an every other week responsibility, which turned into every week, and now it has become a twice a week chore. Needless to say, it has put a lot of stress in our relationship, and taken a toll on things we need to do around our own home (cleaning, shopping, maintenance, etc.). Not to mention just having time to ourselves to relax or do something we enjoy.
I feel selfish just wanting a way out, but it really has become a sore spot. The thing is, her mom lives 45 minutes away. So it takes at least an hour and a half to drive round trip, plus time to visit and care for her. It ends up taking at least a few hours twice a week, not to mention the expense of gas and trying to figure out when we're going to fit in meals for ourselves.
It is irritating to me because my wife has seven brothers and sisters, but they all live even farther away than we do, and generally just don't provide any support to their mother. So my wife, being who she is, now takes full responsibility for her mom's care.
I've tried to talk with my wife about it several times, but she always gets angry and comes back with "you want me to give up on my dying mother". Obviously that's not what I want, but I don't really have an alternative solution. So I feel trapped in a situation that is negatively affecting our lives and I have no control over.
As I mentioned, her mom is not helpless, she just chooses not to care for her own needs. She has plenty of money laying around, but she won't pay anyone to mow her yard, or other simple responsibilities. Even when someone offers she says "no, I'll have my daughter or son-in-law do it".
I know I'm being a selfish baby, but I feel overwhelmed, out of options, and don't know what to do about it. The only option I see is suck it up and live with it.
Unfortunately, the youngest daughter (now in her 40's) who had been sharing the duties, just had twin babies and can't drive. So my wife has picked up the duties her sister had been doing. If that wasn't enough, she seems overwhelmed caring for her babies, so my wife has stepped in to help care for them too.
Her younger sister used to visit once a month to meet with her daughter. But her daughter recently passed away, so no more visits, meaning my wife picked up those duties too.
So for us, what started as a monthly visit, became an every other week responsibility, which turned into every week, and now it has become a twice a week chore. Needless to say, it has put a lot of stress in our relationship, and taken a toll on things we need to do around our own home (cleaning, shopping, maintenance, etc.). Not to mention just having time to ourselves to relax or do something we enjoy.
I feel selfish just wanting a way out, but it really has become a sore spot. The thing is, her mom lives 45 minutes away. So it takes at least an hour and a half to drive round trip, plus time to visit and care for her. It ends up taking at least a few hours twice a week, not to mention the expense of gas and trying to figure out when we're going to fit in meals for ourselves.
It is irritating to me because my wife has seven brothers and sisters, but they all live even farther away than we do, and generally just don't provide any support to their mother. So my wife, being who she is, now takes full responsibility for her mom's care.
I've tried to talk with my wife about it several times, but she always gets angry and comes back with "you want me to give up on my dying mother". Obviously that's not what I want, but I don't really have an alternative solution. So I feel trapped in a situation that is negatively affecting our lives and I have no control over.
As I mentioned, her mom is not helpless, she just chooses not to care for her own needs. She has plenty of money laying around, but she won't pay anyone to mow her yard, or other simple responsibilities. Even when someone offers she says "no, I'll have my daughter or son-in-law do it".
I know I'm being a selfish baby, but I feel overwhelmed, out of options, and don't know what to do about it. The only option I see is suck it up and live with it.