Dating for the ER community

[CO-guy]

Nah, it puts her on the spot. You might be feeling it, but you cannot tell if she is. Many women are going to be wary of turning a guy down in person, whom they barely know. Follow up right away if you like via text/call, but not until she's left the place of the date.

When I was out dating off Match in the early aughts, every one asked for a 2nd date (via email/text/call afterwards, some hours, some days). I only said yes to a 2nd date for 2 or 3.

You've heard the phrase: Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid they'll be killed.

Fair point about being put on the spot, and I understand your perspective better now. Also, I should have said "chemistry" rather than "romantic interest" or "attraction." My mistake, because what I really meant was that it only takes a few minutes to figure out if the first two layers of what @SecondCor521 described are mutual.

I'm asking myself: Do we have good conversation? Is she flirting with me? Is she enthusiastic about things we might do in the future? And of course, do I find her attractive? I believe the Brits call it having "flirty banter." If the answer to all of those questions was a yes, then I'd ask them out for another date. If it was a yes to all but the last question then I'd offer friendship. Since 100% of those I asked out on another date went out on at least two more dates with me I'd say my read on "chemistry" was very accurate.

Oh, and I agree with @SecondCor521 about that third layer. Sometimes it took several months to realize that, no matter the chemistry that third layer wasn't there.

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[Amethyst]

Speaking of traditional gender stereotypes.... I was as 70's Liberated as anybody back in the day. I had no Ralph-Kramdenesque ego hangups about a lady who had a degree at a time when I did not, or made more money than I did. Not because I was a gigolo. Because it didn't matter. But the ones I was involved with all eventually succumbed to "But what will my friends say-ism"? No matter what they thought of me personally I had to either make more money than they did or have some kind of "status" or they wanted to move on. Didn't seem all that liberating if the default position was still a Ward & June arrangement but with the ante-upped.

The solution to that is to keep looking until you find someone who either doesn't care what her friends think as long as she's happy, has quality friends who recognize quality in you, or, alternatively, has no friends (ha). That's a pretty broad set of choices; you're bound to hit one sooner or later. And nobody but you two has to know who makes more money. It astounds me that anybody would even ask, let alone tell.

 

[CO-guy]

I agree. My eyeballs determined who I asked out, not my brain. That strategy did not always lead to better long term outcomes either, ha! As far as women friends goes, I dont think I have ever had one outside of who I am with. Yes we have couple get togethers for dinner and such, but in reality, I am really a friend of the guy and her the other lady. Come to think of it, I dont think any of my friends have any women friends either. And I am certain my lady would instantly be suspicious if I ever did!
The younger generations do a lot better in having mixed sex platonic friendships and think nothing of it.

I have been fortunate enough to be the "Best Man" at the weddings of four of my friends, three childhood friends and a college friend. From grad school friends, I've also been fortunate enough to be the "Man of Honor" at one wedding and a "Bridesman" at two others.

My better-half described my living arrangement when we met as "a house full of women who seem to be allergic to clothing." She quickly learned that most of my friends were women and that there was nothing she would ever have to be suspicious of with any of them. No, "I trust you but I don't trust her nonsense." My friends are all wonderful people and she quickly became friends with them all. As my female friends have gotten married, had kids, etc., we've become friends with their husbands, because they've married some really awesome guys and we get along well. Same with the wives of my guy friends, though we have less in common with their spouses.

 

[razztazz]

The solution to that is to keep looking until you find someone who either doesn't care what her friends think as long as she's happy, has quality friends who recognize quality in you, or, alternatively, has no friends (ha). That's a pretty broad set of choices; you're bound to hit one sooner or later. And nobody but you two has to know who makes more money. It astounds me that anybody would even ask, let alone tell.

I'm chuckling because you are speaking in the present tense as if it still mattered. The tense passed decades ago. I have heard what you wrote from others over the years.

As far as "keep looking until you find someone who..." there's a time limit on that. I decided at some point that anything you had to work that hard for or wait that long for wasn't worth the trouble. I never resisted but wasn't interested in wasting time. I still had the rest of my life so I moved on.

 

[Mulligan]

I'm chuckling because you are speaking in the present tense as if it still mattered. The tense passed decades ago. I have heard what you wrote from others over the years.

As far as "keep looking until you find someone who..." there's a time limit on that. I decided at some point that anything you had to work that hard for or wait that long for wasn't worth the trouble. I never resisted but wasn't interested in wasting time. I still had the rest of my life so I moved on.

I have an older golfing acquaintance, who last year officially went the Jane Fonda route of not dating and “closing up shop down there”. And he is very pleased he has went that route after a few failed dating attempts. A few months ago he told me he just came back from Arizona to see an old girl friend from HS he reconnected on Facebook with, who is now a widow.
I said, “I thought you were done dating”. He said he was. And he told her before he went, that this was just a visit to see and old friend and to play golf with her. Nothing more. And he said he had a good time on the visit.

 

[razztazz]

I have an older golfing acquaintance, who last year officially went the Jane Fonda route of not dating and “closing up shop down there”

Well, I'll say I never closed up shop. I just decided not to advertise since the clientel/demographic wasn't there.

And he is very pleased he has went that route after a few failed dating attempts.

Now that's a low threshold for pain. "A few failed dating attempts."

 

[Mulligan]

Well, I'll say I never closed up shop. I just decided not to advertise since the clientel/demographic wasn't there.

Now that's a low threshold for pain. "A few failed dating attempts."

I might be understating using “a few” as I don't know his complete post marriage dating history. But clearly he had enough of it. He is active, has adult children nearby I know, has activity friends so he feels no need for it at his age. An honest funny guy. A couple years ago he told me he went on a date from meeting a lady online. He said it only lasted that one date. He said, she was beautiful and he was in to her. But he said he immediately knew she had no interest in him. He took it in stride. He said I think she was too good looking for me. Funny guy.

 

[Amethyst]

I'm chuckling because you are speaking in the present tense as if it still mattered. The tense passed decades ago. I have heard what you wrote from others over the years.

As far as "keep looking until you find someone who..." there's a time limit on that. I decided at some point that anything you had to work that hard for or wait that long for wasn't worth the trouble. I never resisted but wasn't interested in wasting time. I still had the rest of my life so I moved on.

I suppose I chose the present tense because I was thinking of anyone who might be in your predicament now, although you did mention ancient history 1970's. It seems that the same problems plague some daters today. Glad you could move on and have a good life.

 

[Amethyst]

He said I think she was too good looking for me. Funny guy.

And a realist, which is hard to find.

 

[FlaGator]

The solution to that is to keep looking until you find someone who either doesn't care what her friends think as long as she's happy, has quality friends who recognize quality in you, or, alternatively, has no friends (ha). That's a pretty broad set of choices; you're bound to hit one sooner or later...................

+1 on the first two points.

When I started dating again after the first wife died, my wise sister told me (unsolicited, that's what she does ) that a woman without close friends should be avoided.

I thought that was interesting at the time but filed it away. After a few rounds that didn't work out, I realized she was right. I saw in them unending competition/jealousy with other women in one case and a lack of honesty/disclosure in others, even with those they described as "best friends".

Along with "no old flames", I have added "absence of close friends" to my exclusion list for potential long-term relationships. Experience is the best teacher.

 

[deserat]

Wow - I go away on an adventure and this thread has *exploded* - albeit with great inside info - truly appreciate all of the different perspectives as well as seen that the basic ideas still resonate with all. Dipping toe in this arena again and am glad it's not just me who has the uncertainty at times over process and true intent.....

 

[Amethyst]

BLUF: Adult dating is a swamp, and it's worse when you're old, especially if you don't intend to compromise on anything.

 

[aja8888]

I didn't mean to imply it was dirty. I just don't personally care for them, except on men younger than 18, older than 80, or who actually play ball for a living. Hats are necessary for many men and can be a great fashion accessory - but to my eyes, they need brims all around, and not floppy ones.

I’m 82 and will not be caught dead wearing a ball cap (anywhere). But, I have full head of silver hair…and my new lady friend doesn’t care for them either.

 

[Mulligan]

I’m 82 and will not be caught dead wearing a ball cap (anywhere). But, I have full head of silver hair…and my new lady friend doesn’t care for them either.

Now wait, Aja. Am I not understanding your picture. Arent you the one with the ball cap on there?

 

[Just_Steve]

Now wait, Aja. Am I not understanding your picture. Arent you the one with the ball cap on there?

I think he's in the back seated, white hair.

 

[CO-guy]

I’ve been taking the Tai Chi for arthritis classes and it’s me and one other man regularly there and maybe three other guys that show up now and then.

Peaking into the Pilates class and Yoga that runs before my class and it’s 99% women.

I don’t think women in the classes would appreciate being approached. They’re there for their health. Doesn’t seem to be an after class coffee group at the Y.

I started EGym which is a timed circuit workout so you’re sitting next to the same person going machine to machine. I started a conversation with a woman that lead to coffee then four dates in three days. Bad timing as she thinks it’s too soon for me to date (Grief therapist has been encouraging me to date though.) and then she had a serious health issue. We remain friends.

I wanted to circle back to your post @GravitySucks. I started dating after being dumped by my college girlfriend of five years. It was completely my fault and in no way compares to the loss of a spouse, but it was devastating to me at the time. Unable to sleep, I met with a therapist who ultimately encouraged me to start dating.

Rather than trying to jump right back in, she suggested I start by simply approaching and starting conversations with people I might be interested in asking out. This was a challenge for me and so I treated it like learning any other skill. Once I felt competent approaching women I found attractive it was easier to start asking them out. It took another month or so for me to feel ready to actually date, but at that point I felt like a pro at the basics.

All that is to say that starting to date again is a huge step, but it can be broken into smaller steps.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

I had squamous cell cancer.

I never wore a hat until the diagnosis, now it's a hat every time I step outside.

My favorites are Janji.

 

[Mulligan]

I think he's in the back seated, white hair.

Ok…Dang it Aja. I always envisioned you as the front and center person in the photo with the hat and sunglasses on, ha!

 

[aja8888]

Ok…Dang it Aja. I always envisioned you as the front and center person in the photo with the hat and sunglasses on, ha!

Mulli, I’m the thin guy in the center with the sun glasses on. I only wear a hat on the golf course!

 

[Mulligan]

Mulli, I’m the thin guy in the center with the sun glasses on. I only wear a hat on the golf course!

Ha, Aja, I see ya now! Wedged back in the corner. Your buddies are hogging the picture screen!

 

[aja8888]

Ha, Aja, I see ya now! Wedged back in the corner. Your buddies are hogging the picture screen!

Lots of beef in front of me! lol!

 

[GravitySucks]

I wanted to circle back to your post @GravitySucks. I started dating after being dumped by my college girlfriend of five years. It was completely my fault and in no way compares to the loss of a spouse, but it was devastating to me at the time. Unable to sleep, I met with a therapist who ultimately encouraged me to start dating.

Rather than trying to jump right back in, she suggested I start by simply approaching and starting conversations with people I might be interested in asking out. This was a challenge for me and so I treated it like learning any other skill. Once I felt competent approaching women I found attractive it was easier to start asking them out. It took another month or so for me to feel ready to actually date, but at that point I felt like a pro at the basics.

All that is to say that starting to date again is a huge step, but it can be broken into smaller steps.

Thanks for the advice.

That’s pretty much where I am now - talking with some women that look interesting. My last two forays into adult dating I went to online dating sites. I might try that again later as I did fairly well there. OLD has its good points but I’m not up for the BS that you have to wade through.

Talking to strangers isn’t my strong suit but practice is helping improve that skill.

 

[Amethyst]

Now wait, Aja. Am I not understanding your picture. Arent you the one with the ball cap on there?

Aja has the beautiful silver hair. As long as we're talking about hats, my husband also has a full head of hair and wears a hat (a brimmed Tilley, a gift from me) against the sun. We don't like to think about this, but hair doesn't protect us entirely against skin cancer. But Aja should do as he pleases ;^>

 

[Gumby]

Good taste in hats. I have a Tilley as well and really like it.

 

[pb4uski]

SO WHO WANTS TO MEET MY DAUGHTER? She's 40. She's gorgeous! She works! She's trim, athletic! NM. NO Kids! No tats. No vices. No debts. The men: They come. They go. I can't stand it no more.

Anybody? Anybody?

I'm game, but I don't think DW would concede to it. PM me a pic, preferably in a bikini, and I'll let you know. We all have our price.