Dating for the ER community

[Chuckanut]

The basics of finding and nurturing love don’t change much As Time Goes By. But, the devil is often in the details that do change.

Years ago I started dating a promising lady just a few weeks before I left on a 3 week vacation. I sent her a couple of post cards while away which were appreciated. Today, we are in touch 24/7 unless trekking through the wild primeval forests of Lower Slobovia. And expectations may be higher.

 

[Mulligan]

I agree that he would be wise to work on his flirting skills.
His ability to be suave and charming is likely independent of his ability to fix a car, balance a checkbook, hold down a job, raise kids, make travel plans, or even operate in daily low-stakes interpersonal situations.

For me, your first sentence was about getting in the door to have fun. That was step one. Everything else occurred later and wasnt worried about for a while. If it is meant to be that stuff all comes much later. Those issues will sort themselves out in due time. But I never started out dating someone looking for “the one”. If she became the one it then was meant to be.
And finally one was, 20 years and counting…But it started out simply with just..…”She is good looking, I am going to find out if she is single and will go out with me”. Like all the others prior through the years, ha.

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

I’d love to be educated about positive attributes that attract rather than negative ones that repel.

For me, nothing more enticing than a pretty smile and good eye contact. That’s 50% of the deal. The rest is discernible with time, patience, and acceptance of the variety before us.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

I’d love to educated about positive attributes that attract rather than negative ones that repel.

For me, nothing more enticing than a pretty smile and good eye contact. That’s 50% of the deal. The rest is discernible with time, patience, and acceptance of the variety before us.

Is she pleasant? If yes, continue to see her.

Is she demanding, bossy, complainy, telling what she would put up with and won't?....Let them wither on the vine.

The big question is is she pleasant.

 

[Gumby]

Is she pleasant? If yes, continue to see her.

Is she demanding, bossy, complainy, telling what she would put up with and won't?....Let them wither on the vine.

The big question is is she pleasant.

The reciprocal also holds true. Are you pleasant?

 

[street]

Lookk fine to me! Working hands, I like 'em.

Sure not suit & tie hands, they have done a ton of hard labor my entire life. Amethyst, I glad I made the grade!!! Lol

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

This thread got me interested in doing a little research on the old adage that that older women have more of a chance of being killed by a terrorist than finding a new husband. Summary of quick research is that phrase is not true. However, I came across a 2020 article from the Bowling Green University National Center for Family and Marriage Research.

Bottom line is the rate of remarriage (in 2020) for those over 65: Males of that cohort have a remarriage rate of 11.6, over four times the female remarriage rate of 2.8. Of interest is that in the 2018 survey, males had a 7.5 times higher rate of remarriage than women. The differences in cohort rates are due to relatively more women remarrying and relatively fewer men remarrying. (One possible reason for these differential rate could also be men might be finding more stable relationships than the women, but that is only a guess on my part).

Age Variation in the Remarriage Rate, 1990 & 2018

data brief on Age Variation in the Remarriage Rate, 1990 & 2018

www.bgsu.edu

 

[RetiredHappy]

This is a generalization, but many men would like to have a female companion, but many women actually prefer to not need to "look after" another man again, it's one of those been there and done that, and got a few coffee mugs along with it.

 

[Amethyst]

Sure not suit & tie hands, they have done a ton of hard labor my entire life. Amethyst, I glad I made the grade!!! Lol

My hands also show a lifetime of outdoor work, even if I did wear suits in my paid employment. I know and respect hard work.

 

[Amethyst]

Is she pleasant? If yes, continue to see her.

Is she demanding, bossy, complainy, telling what she would put up with and won't?....Let them wither on the vine.

The big question is is she pleasant.

Makes sense for goose and gander. Nobody at our age needs to have a bunch of new laws laid down.

 

[Amethyst]

I agree that he would be wise to work on his flirting skills.

Except to him she may not just be a simple woman. She may represent love, admiration, acceptance, respect, patience, refuge, choosing, affection, trust, emotional and physical intimacy, faith, help, beauty, and more. And in some cases, parenting. And in some cases, millions of dollars and the rest of one's life could be involved. There could be a lot on the line for him. (As there is for her as well, of course.)

His ability to be suave and charming is likely independent of his ability to fix a car, balance a checkbook, hold down a job, raise kids, make travel plans, or even operate in daily low-stakes interpersonal situations.

And if that's true, then the other person has just as much on the line, no? So an awkward, immature presentation isn't exactly going to come across as a good prospect. And by our age, everyone should be able to do better.

 

[Teacher Terry]

You have obviously never initiated an approach to a man and been extremely rudely, if not cruelly, rejected.

I have empathy for men that are expected to make the first move, interpret signals and then face rejection. It sounds like a minefield to me.

 

[SecondCor521]

And if that's true, then the other person has just as much on the line, no?

I agree, and said so in the parenthetical comment in my post which you quoted. I was trying to articulate the reasons for him being tongue tied; which as a man who has been in that situation I can empathize.

I believe I've tried to say on this thread that women have their own challenges in the dating world. Since I am not a woman, their challenges are harder for me to understand emotionally, although I've learned about them intellectually over the course of my lifetime. I do try to learn, understand, and empathize as best I can.

 

[Flieger]

All (most) of these posts just reaffirm my hope that I am never faced with this dilemma again. I don't think I would make it, being the "crotchety old man" that I am now, and inclined to wear a ball cap whenever, and wherever the hell I want to.

Flieger

 

[Amethyst]

I agree, and said so in the parenthetical comment in my post which you quoted. I was trying to articulate the reasons for him being tongue tied; which as a man who has been in that situation I can empathize.

I believe I've tried to say on this thread that women have their own challenges in the dating world. Since I am not a woman, their challenges are harder for me to understand emotionally, although I've learned about them intellectually over the course of my lifetime. I do try to learn, understand, and empathize as best I can.

Empathy is great, but we're talking about attraction here. Just as a particular man may not find my appearance to be a turn-on, so I am turned off by overly nervous or arrogant approaches. We don't have to be rude, but we do have to avoid encouraging unwanted attention.i learned that rather quickly in my teens

 

[Montecfo]

In the early years of my second bachelorhood I was shocked at how many women would not even consider dating a man whose politics were not the same as theirs. I considered it a warning sign. Eventually, they would find some imperfection in me and I would end up tossed out with the other undesirables.

This is a huge problem with our young folks. Young females tend to liberal, young men moderate to conservative. Which is all fine except these young women are far more likely to reject a match that does not accept her political "leanings". So this makes it hard for a match to be made in some cities and parts of the country especially.

And we see marriage occurring later and later or not at all. And the birth rate continues to fall.

Sharing beliefs I think can be ok important. But females who marry and have children tend to become more conservative. So I think flatly rejecting someone for politics at say 20 or 25 is probably a bad plan for someone who wishes to live happily ever after.

Just my fact based opinion.

 

[Amethyst]

I have empathy for men that are expected to make the first move, interpret signals and then face rejection. It sounds like a minefield to me.

I feel that men and women of advanced years ought to have dealt with the whole business often enough, that they're not depending on the object of attraction to prop them up as they make their advances. But that may be because I'm an independent person who's attracted to the same kind.

Nevertheless, just going up to somebody you don't know very well (not when they're pounding away on the stationary bike, please!) and saying "Hi, my name is ____ and if you don't mind, I'd like to buy you coffee and chat with you some time" shouldn't be some big scary thing to people our age. And now I shall retire from the topic.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

This is a huge problem with our young folks. Young females tend to liberal, young men moderate to conservative. Which is all fine except these young women are far more likely to reject a match that does not accept her political "leanings". So this makes it hard for a match to be made in some cities and parts of the country especially.

And we see marriage occurring later and later or not at all. And the birth rate continues to fall.

Sharing beliefs I think can be ok important. But females who marry and have children tend to become more conservative. So I think flatly rejecting someone for politics at say 20 or 25 is probably a bad plan for someone who wishes to live happily ever after.

Just my fact based opinion.

A lot of good points.

Want to know what the men do (who are conservative) and still want to mingle at online dating? They use terms such as "not into politics" on their profile. Then in person, when political topics surface, they say "yeah I don't think about that much" or whatever to squash the discussion.

Ask any woman in their 20's participating in online dating if you want to verify what I'm saying.

I'm not suggesting any of this is good or bad, but that's how things are being done.

 

[ls99]

I...........

Nevertheless, just going up to somebody you don't know very well (not when they're pounding away on the stationary bike, please!) and saying "Hi, my name is ____ and if you don't mind, I'd like to buy you coffee and chat with you some time" shouldn't be some big scary thing to people our age. And now I shall retire from the topic.

In my 60+ years of single life, minus 22 years of great marriage, would have never considered that line, and being vidowed, will never ever do. Me thinks it super tacky. BTW that line was never offered to me by women
My favorite line; If swing dance, Would you like to dance? If Argentine Tango.... Cabaceo.

Nor do I spend any time in places with stationary bikes. Dancing with women to big band music is far more pleasant.

YMMV

PS. over my single life encountered Lilith in real life far too many times.

 

[Ronstar]

I feel that men and women of advanced years ought to have dealt with the whole business often enough, that they're not depending on the object of attraction to prop them up as they make their advances. But that may be because I'm an independent person who's attracted to the same kind.

Nevertheless, just going up to somebody you don't know very well (not when they're pounding away on the stationary bike, please!) and saying "Hi, my name is ____ and if you don't mind, I'd like to buy you coffee and chat with you some time" shouldn't be some big scary thing to people our age. And now I shall retire from the topic.

"Hi, my name is..." is a first line that will never work. In Chicagoland, all you need to say is "How bout those Bears?" The person's reaction will provide more than enough information on how to proceed.

 

[SecondCor521]

"Hi, my name is..." is a first line that will never work. In Chicagoland, all you need to say is "How bout those Bears?" The person's reaction will provide more than enough information on how to proceed.

I like to start with "When do you plan to take Social Security and why?"

Sometimes I'll switch it up and ask about whether I should pay off my mortgage. (The trick here is I don't have one.)

 

[Gumby]

....

Want to know what the men do (who are conservative) and still want to mingle at online dating? They use terms such as "not into politics" on their profile. Then in person, when political topics surface, they say "yeah I don't think about that much" or whatever to squash the discussion.

....

Starting things off with lies seems unlikely to lead to a lasting relationship.

 

[razztazz]

I feel that ....... And now I shall retire from the topic.

The first 3 words is really what all this has been about anyway.
Yes, retirement is good no matter what kind it is. ha ha

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

Starting things off with lies seems unlikely to lead to a lasting relationship.

I'm glad you said that. It brings up a good point.

The nice people on early retirement.org are most likely looking for that lasting relationship you mention.

But ask any female on online dating what it's like out there. A lasting relationship is pretty much the last thing they'll find. That's one reason I referred to online dating as the jungle in my previous posts. Judging from what I've been told, I'd estimate that the men looking for a lasting relationship is probably in the single digits, percentage wise.

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

I'm glad you said that. It brings up a good point.

The nice people on early retirement.org are most likely looking for that lasting relationship you mention.

But ask any female on online dating what it's like out there. A lasting relationship is pretty much the last thing they'll find. That's one reason I referred to online dating as the jungle in my previous posts. Judging from what I've been told, I'd estimate that the men looking for a lasting relationship is probably in the single digits, percentage wise.

Yet men over 65 clearly are more likely to engage in lasting relationships compared to women, as indicated in the study cited in my post above .