Dating for the ER community

[flipstress]

Many of my female friends are worth high 7 and low 8 figures, and have never married. They have very successful careers and have found their lives to be very fulfilling. No need to share a home with another person.

I also have several male friends who are in similar situation, very successful and never marry. They are all of my age, i.e. in early sixties now.

Speaking of match-making, you could introduce both groups to each other...just half-joking...
For myself, whenever I think of match-making, I stop myself because I don't want to be blamed for negative developments, but maybe a big party you throw inviting all these single successful souls might spark something, even just "the beginning of beautiful friendships".

 

[RetiredHappy]

Speaking of match-making, you could introduce both groups to each other...just half-joking...
For myself, whenever I think of match-making, I stop myself because I don't want to be blamed for negative developments, but maybe a big party you throw inviting all these single successful souls might spark something, even just "the beginning of beautiful friendships".

I feel that I need to respect the various groups. I do golf with my male friend, with his male friends on his home course and the two of us would go out for dinner together. My friend said he dated in his early twenties and almost got married but since then he felt that his boat has sailed and no longer pursues having a partner. He retired from a very senior position in the finance industry and now sits on a couple of boards, and still makes 7 figures a year. He is definitely a good "catch". I have known him for 30 years and he is a good friend of mine but out of respect, I won't "force" my girlfriends on him.

 

[Chuckanut]

Fast forward 20 years. Almost all remain unmarried. They in his view wanted the European prince on a white horse and that guy never showed up.

And dating apps convince people that there might be someone out there a little bit better than whoever they most recently attracted.

I think Carly Simon did a song about these women years ago. Thankfully, most women I have met are willing to take another picture. Some will even look at the video of a guy's life. As we guys should do for the women.

 

[38Chevy454]

If you never ask, then you know the answer.

Anxiety can be tough to overcome, but above statement is very true.

I will say that in my younger dating days, it seemed the harder I tried, the less successful I was. When I put less effort and just let things happen is when I had better time, more fun, and higher chances of a deeper relationship.

 

[martyp]

Since MartyP mentioned matchmakers, a quick matchmaker story, the only one I'm aware of personally.

There was a gathering for dinner after some medical thing I don't remember. Maybe 10 Dr's, and 2 +1's, me and a guy married to a Dr.

I hadn't met the woman that was married to the guy before. You'll have to take my word for it that she was attractive from the neck up and below the neck. Seemed like the nicest person there. Everything good.

During the evening conversation, I asked how the two of them met. She responds "Through a matchmaker". I was fascinated by this, since I never met anyone who had used one. Or if they even existed where I live.

Turns out she was added to the matchmaking catalog free, and her husband paid up for matchmaking services (No surprise). He refused to tell how much he paid, wife swears he won't tell her either. So I'm guessing a few thousand??

I thought it was interesting that she had to use a matchmaker to get married, even though to me she had everything going for her (Including a 400+K salary as well as pleasant and attractive).

If anybody has any further questions about this couple, post them here. I'll be seeing them in 4 weeks at another gala.

Here in Thailand the women pay the matchmaker to introduce them to foreigner men. The women pay about $600. They can go to all the singles meetups and the matchmaker will keep an eye out for any other pairing opportunities.

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

Here in Thailand the women pay the matchmaker to introduce them to foreigner men. The women pay about $600. They can go to all the singles meetups and the matchmaker will keep an eye out for any other pairing opportunities.

Can you explain the dynamic of Thai women choosing a matchmaking service specifically to find foreign men? I've heard of foreign men flocking to Thailand to find women, but had not heard that there are institutional supports in Thailand to meet that need.

 

[martyp]

Can you explain the dynamic of Thai women choosing a matchmaking service specifically to find foreign men? I've heard of foreign men flocking to Thailand to find women, but had not heard that there are institutional supports in Thailand to meet that need.

I think the principal in Thailand is the same as anywhere. We are each trying to meet "quality" partners. Each matchmaker would have their own criteria for who qualifies. I wanted to meet a quality Thai woman. The women want to meet a quality foreigner.

I found out about the singles meetup through a friend who had been going to her meetups for years - so a word of mouth recommendation. I assume that the Thai women learn about the matchmaker and meetups similarly. The women in this matchmaker's portfolio were typically over 40 and had real jobs - accounting, nursing, restaurants, family businesses, teachers. I dated 4 women and they were all very nice normal people. The 20,000 baht ($600) fee is going to be a high barrier for most people anywhere so that serves as somewhat of a filter.

I've never used a dating app so I can't comment on that. You could meet women by becoming a regular in a cafe or in an activity club - that is the normal way. Thais are very open and friendly so it is safe to say hi to people here.

 

[Amethyst]

I meant more recently, as many of us in this thread haven't done so at all in years.

Gotcha.

I had to start all over after 35 years of marriage, including 10 years of increasing levels of caregiving. OLD was simply part of my multi-pronged approach to breaking out of dementia-widow isolation, per my grief counselors' urging.

I felt like it was a job. I was used to writing my resume and reviewing other people's, so it was like that. I gave great consideration to how my words and photos might be perceived.

That said, OLD was an education on "the odds are good but the goods are odd" - I could tell stories. Now I can look back and laugh.

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

I think the principal in Thailand is the same as anywhere. We are each trying to meet "quality" partners.

I'm curious to learn more about the legitimate process of meeting a quality partner in Thailand (or elsewhere if you or any other posters have information.) I've heard of the sex tourism business in S.E. Asia, but that is not what we are discussing.

Did you explore a range of location options before settling on Thailand as opposed to say, the Philippines or elsewhere? How about within Thailand, how did you decide where to start your search? I know you mentioned a friend introduced you to a meetup, but where you searching in other ways before you found the matchmaker?

Regarding the matchmaker that you used, what information did she want from you in order to vet and market you?

What was the format in the meetups?

I've heard that while the Thai people are generally great, that there may be some distinct animosity toward foreigners in outlying regions. Have you noticed that?

Many thanks--from this happily married guy who is curious...

 

[martyp]

I'm curious to learn more about the legitimate process of meeting a quality partner in Thailand (or elsewhere if you or any other posters have information.) I've heard of the sex tourism business in S.E. Asia, but that is not what we are discussing.

Did you explore a range of location options before settling on Thailand as opposed to say, the Philippines or elsewhere? How about within Thailand, how did you decide where to start your search? I know you mentioned a friend introduced you to a meetup, but where you searching in other ways before you found the matchmaker?

Regarding the matchmaker that you used, what information did she want from you in order to vet and market you?

What was the format in the meetups?

I've heard that while the Thai people are generally great, that there may be some distinct animosity toward foreigners in outlying regions. Have you noticed that?

Many thanks--from this happily married guy who is curious...

I actually didn’t come to Thailand to find a partner or for the cost of living. A friend of mine had been coming to Thailand for years. I was retired when he retired. He moved to Thailand and a couple of month later I visited him. I just loved the country right away. I made 3 month-long visits to Thailand in 2015-2016 and then moved here in 2017. I did not explore other countries and I have never been to the Philippines. I do follow YouTube channels based in the Philippines though because it is an interesting comparison between choosing Thailand vs the Philippines. I know a couple of Philippine YouTube vloggers that recently moved to Bangkok and you might want to check out their channels and experiences in both countries including their comments on dating. JJ the lonely Bull in Asia & Gio on the Go.

Regarding the matchmaker - My friend called her and verbally vouched for me. I once did the same for a friend of a friend. I just communicated a few basic details. I believe the matchmaker then asked him some questions but I don’t know what they were. I don’t have much information about the other male foreigners so I can’t really comment on their quality. The matchmaker has a website with about 50 of the women she knows around Thailand. There are profiles of the women - age, profession, English language skills, etc. I viewed the website after the meetup and it turned out two of the women I was dating from the meetup were also on the website so I could calibrate my personal experience with the women with the profiles listed. I met my wife through the matchmake but outside the meetup. I sent the matchmaker my profile modeled after her website profiles so my future wife would know something about me because we hadn’t had the meetup conversation in person. The matchmake had just sent me my wife’s photo and told me she was 57 and a restaurant owner. The first date, I guess, was as normal as any date where the two meet online. It was dinner at a nice but not expensive restaurant. I think I mentioned before that the Thai women pay the matchmaker about $600 to work with the matchmaker.

The meetup format was an invitation and directions to the location which was a bar in Bangkok. It started 6 or 7pm so early before the bar crowd arrived. It was a quiet location. The women started to arrive. My meetup was rather small and there were more women than men. From my perspective, I had one woman after another brought to my table for about a 20 minute conversation and then the next woman was put in front of me. Some were fluent in English, some were not but my Thai is pretty good. I was there about 3 hours before the meetup broke up. We all exchanged our LINE id’s (LINE is an app similar to Messenger or Whatsap). The next two days I was contacted by 5 of the women and I started dating 3 of them. That was all I could handle at one time. I went on 2 dates with two of them and 5 dates with the other before meeting my wife. Fun & exhausting.

I've never used a dating app. You could meet women at expat meetups, language schools, running/sports clubs, being a regular at coffee shops, and through the partners of other expats. There are some good women at the "bars" but that is a complicated situation. I've known some of these women in the countryside who were wives of expat friends. This is probably not the best strategy to look for a long term partner but it occasionally works out.

I have lived mostly in Bangkok but I also lived 2 years in the countryside. I have spent a lot of time with Thais and I have never felt any animosity. I’ve always felt welcome. Thais are very polite in public. You can safely speak politely to anyone here.

Age gap is always in the back of many expat’s mind - age gaps of up to 30 years are generally accepted. I would say that 10-15 is the norm. My wife is 13 years younger than me, 70 vs 57. I’ve known many couples married and not. The Thai partners all speak English. While most Thais don’t speak much English you can always find women who do. You just have to be patient and put in some effort. The Philippines should be much easier to communicate in English except with older people in the provinces.

 

[richardsok]

I too met my wife in a similar arrangement, and have a lot of experience in the ins and outs of the process -- She's from the high coffee hills around Pereira, Colombia. (She can't stand typical American coffee and sneers at S-bucks!) After a couple of years of a long dist Rel I brought her here on a 90-day fiance visa. Never regretted it.

First step -- make up your mind to search for women in small towns. You can find a "problem" gal anywhere , but your chances are much better if you avoid the "material girls" of the big urban centers. Small town girls require more search and travel -- but your long term odds are better, IMO

It's easier now b/c you can really talk visually via computer -- but it also means you both can "cheat" a lot with other prospects during the courting process.

If you find someone who likes you from a big city who is IMPOSSIBLY beautiful and totally out of your league, be SURE there's something going on you don't know about.

Zero in on someone if you are sure you can significantly improve the way she is living now. Make a good impression with your dress (even on Skype!) and LOSE a couple of pounds if you need to -- now that you have an inducement to do so! When you find someone that seems great, remember the old Woody Allen line: "90% of success is just showing up." Time wasting Yankees are the big problem the gals have: all talk and no action. You have to GO and meet her and the family -- and the fam (who are ideally less successful than you) will expect you to make an impression by being generous with little gifts. Well, more later on the topic, if anyone is interested. (I wound up financing her brother thru grad school and a nephew thru Engineering school --- but that was only after years in the marriage.. Worth every dime.)

Photo -- my Adri and I in Venice a couple of years ago. When I was a divorced guy in my 40s with a child and support payments, American women like her wouldn't touch me with a barge pole. Our cover story was that we met in Cartagena on a scuba diving trip.

Today I have life's normal problems and disappointments-- but my marriage isn't one of them.

 

[Montecfo]

I love the cover story..It's nobody's business but people will ask.

Congrats!

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

@martyp and @richardsok, thank you for sharing your great stories. Wonderful that you found great mates!

@richardsok , what methodology did you use to seek out mates in Columbia? You also mentioned small towns--how did you focus your efforts there?

@martyp ,curious how you learned Thai? Also, can you share stories of your friends who navigated the "complicated" bar scene to find a compatible mate?

 

[Gumby]

I applaud all of you who have met your matches later in life. I don't know if I would have the mental stamina to make the effort. I wish you all the best going forward.

 

[martyp]

@martyp ,curious how you learned Thai? Also, can you share stories of your friends who navigated the "complicated" bar scene to find a compatible mate?

I went to language school for 6 months. I hired a tutor for 10 wks. I was part of a Zoom language group during Covid. YouTube and TikTok short videos. And of course everyday practice living in Thailand. My wife's English is much better than my Thai.

In general, expats don't ask about how others met their wives. The online discourse is dominated by bad experiences with short and long term relationships with bar girls. There is truth in many of those stories. However, I've known successful relationships/marriages. The circumstances behind what motivates the women to become bar girls can be a lot more sympathetic than the perspective from a cynical westerner point of view.

 

[RetiredHappy]

I had an ex-colleague who was on an expat assignment, and bedded several Thai women who were working as prostitutes. One became his girlfriend and got pregnant. He divorced his fourth wife to marry this girl. We heard that his fourth wife took him to the cleaners. They moved to Thailand where he gave her money to buy property as foreigners were (are?) not allowed to own properties. They had twin girls. Several years later she was pregnant again and he declared that this time the baby wasn't his child and he divorced her. He moved on to another Thai women and moved back to the US with the twin girls and his new girlfriend. He was a senior manager at the megacorp where we worked. He came back and he had to continue to work into his mid 70s and owned a very modest home. I don’t feel sorry for him. It is what he chose.

 

[FlaGator]

I applaud all of you who have met your matches later in life. I don't know if I would have the mental stamina to make the effort. I wish you all the best going forward.

Thank you.

If you're one who really enjoys having someone else in your life to the point you don't feel complete without a solid partner, it can be a trial. Sometimes the hole left can be too deep to fill and the effort may not be worth it. My journey to find another one had its ups and downs, but it's been worth it when it works out.

If you are "one of us" I hope you are never faced with that. If you are, you'll find a way to have that again or resign yourself to a life not as fulfilling as one hoped. I wish the later for no one. Take care of your loved one, hope/pray for the best outcome and do your best to see each other through to get to the end together.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

Age gap is always in the back of many expat’s mind - age gaps of up to 30 years are generally accepted. I would say that 10-15 is the norm. My wife is 13 years younger than me, 70 vs 57. I’ve known many couples married and not. The Thai partners all speak English. While most Thais don’t speak much English you can always find women who do. You just have to be patient and put in some effort. The Philippines should be much easier to communicate in English except with older people in the provinces.

Instead of going outside the U.S., I date women from different cultures than my own locally. I think many men would be shocked by the nice treatment they would receive. I've been doing it for decades. Highly recommend.

And very true about the age gap issue. I could have written that paragraph myself. Some cultures are just fine with large age differences. My GF is 17 years younger than me and we like it that way.

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

My GF is 17 years younger than me and we like it that way.

Can you provide some context? Why?

 

[Amethyst]

Every dating thread on this site eventually devolves to older American men marrying younger Asian women. I never see mention of the opposite. Strange.

 

[martyp]

Every dating thread on this site eventually devolves to older American men marrying younger Asian women. I never see mention of the opposite. Strange.

Women generally marry older men anywhere

 

[Koolau]

Women generally marry older men anywhere

And older men generally marry younger men. So has it ever been (from what I've seen but YMMV).

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

Every dating thread on this site eventually devolves to older American men marrying younger Asian women. I never see mention of the opposite. Strange.

My GF is Latina. Richardsok's wife is Latina.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

Can you provide some context? Why?

As someone who has reaped the benefits of remaining single their entire life, I can testify that some (not all) women prefer relationships with an older man. Less chance of him wanting to go sow his oats elsewhere, less chance of him engaging in foolery that comes with youth (vs being with an older guy).

I've dated all sorts, and prioritize sweetness/kindness as opposed to demanding. I'm wealthy (like most here) but my GF makes 419K a year and doesn't need my money. We take turns paying for meals, vacations, etc. Nobody taking advantage of the other.

There's other obvious benefits but it's probably best not to put it in writing.

Ask away if you have further questions.

 

[richardsok]

planuntil:
It's different now with the internet. Early accessibility and "getting to know you" is much easier and more natural -- but there's far more oppty to be dishonest and "play the long distance dating game" than before. Just like real dating -- everyone hopes the NEXT person they meet will be a little better than the one I'm talking to now. If I were to start out on the computer route I would simply focus on women from smaller towns -- not to eliminate all big city gals automatically -- but concentrate where odds are better. You ALSO know other men will talk a great game, but 99% will never actually show up in their small home town.

Favor bank employees, school teachers and nurses b/c they have all had to go through background checks -- or give points to any woman who has an actual marketable skill where she could work here in the US. "Manicurist" doesn't cut it. "Hair stylist" might work. But "physician" would probably mean years of certification or re-training.
Also honestly think "WHAT DO I HAVE TO OFFER HER?"if you're determined to be happy and to make a life. 95% of men are just playing around on the cheap. For instance, if you find a respectable single mother of a little child from a small town, you might be offering her a better life that she'd REALLY value. (If her kid was a teenager, I admit that would give me pause.) The Philippines has no language problem, but it is far more distant than South America. Favor girls who go to church regularly, and extra points if they go with their family! (That's a near trifecta in the "is she sincere?" question.) Ukraine women: reputations vary from wonderful to terrible. But AVOID the 'high maintenance/high fashion/glamour " types, no matter what. Aim for wholesome -- not flashy. Red flag: any gal who injects silicone into her lips for that puffy effect the vulgar crowd values now.

My wife was 20 yrs younger than I am and DID get interest from other men -- but I was the only one who actually showed up for her in her town (Big event for us both!) And I left and returned a couple of months later --- and returned a third time. I meant business.

There are all kinds of introduction websites out there. I'd list a few good ones but have already gotten myself in trouble with my posts here on ER in the past. Don't want to repeat.

Of course, if your true motivation is a "vacation with benefits -- but I just MIGHT...." etc,-- then forget everything I've said. You're already a part of the semi-honest, great game-playing crowd.
---------------------------------------.

PS Be discreet or be prepared for the hostility you'll get from American woman when they learn of your project. It is true; American men DO exploit foreign women. But it is doubly true: clever foreign women exploit US men! The wrong one can wreck your life. Be careful out there!