Dating for the ER community

[planuntilthefisthits]

Every dating thread on this site eventually devolves to older American men marrying younger Asian women. I never see mention of the opposite. Strange.

“Devolves?” Hmmm….

I’ve been married to my Asian wife for over 40/years. Beautiful, kind, came with a Ph.D. and a (realized) high earning potential. Didn’t seem like a devolution to me, but I’ll give that some more thought.

 

[razztazz]

“Devolves?” Hmmm….

I’ve been married to my Asian wife for over 40/years. Beautiful, kind, came with a Ph.D. and a (realized) high earning potential. Didn’t seem like a devolution to me, but I’ll give that some more thought.

C'omon, c'omon now. You know that's not what she was driving at. (Altho I found the use of the word "devolve" a little strange myself...?)

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

I had an ex-colleague who was on an expat assignment, and bedded several Thai women who were working as prostitutes. One became his girlfriend and got pregnant. He divorced his fourth wife to marry this girl. We heard that his fourth wife took him to the cleaners. They moved to Thailand where he gave her money to buy property as foreigners were (are?) not allowed to own properties. They had twin girls. Several years later she was pregnant again and he declared that this time the baby wasn't his child and he divorced her. He moved on to another Thai women and moved back to the US with the twin girls and his new girlfriend. He was a senior manager at the megacorp where we worked. He came back and he had to continue to work into his mid 70s and owned a very modest home. I don’t feel sorry for him. It is what he chose.

I know a couple of gentlemen who went to stip clubs in the USA and became involved with strippers. Their lives were never the same after that. And, their wives were never the same either....

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

planuntil:
It's different now with the internet. Early accessibility and "getting to know you" is much easier and more natural -- but there's far more oppty to be dishonest and "play the long distance dating game" than before. Just like real dating -- everyone hopes the NEXT person they meet will be a little better than the one I'm talking to now. If I were to start out on the computer route I would simply focus on women from smaller towns -- not to eliminate all big city gals automatically -- but concentrate where odds are better. You ALSO know other men will talk a great game, but 99% will never actually show up in their small home town.

Favor bank employees, school teachers and nurses b/c they have all had to go through background checks -- or give points to any woman who has an actual marketable skill where she could work here in the US. "Manicurist" doesn't cut it. "Hair stylist" might work. But "physician" would probably mean years of certification or re-training.
Also honestly think "WHAT DO I HAVE TO OFFER HER?"if you're determined to be happy and to make a life. 95% of men are just playing around on the cheap. For instance, if you find a respectable single mother of a little child from a small town, you might be offering her a better life that she'd REALLY value. (If her kid was a teenager, I admit that would give me pause.) The Philippines has no language problem, but it is far more distant than South America. Favor girls who go to church regularly, and extra points if they go with their family! (That's a near trifecta in the "is she sincere?" question.) Ukraine women: reputations vary from wonderful to terrible. But AVOID the 'high maintenance/high fashion/glamour " types, no matter what. Aim for wholesome -- not flashy. Red flag: any gal who injects silicone into her lips for that puffy effect the vulgar crowd values now.

My wife was 20 yrs younger than I am and DID get interest from other men -- but I was the only one who actually showed up for her in her town (Big event for us both!) And I left and returned a couple of months later --- and returned a third time. I meant business.

There are all kinds of introduction websites out there. I'd list a few good ones but have already gotten myself in trouble with my posts here on ER in the past. Don't want to repeat.

Of course, if your true motivation is a "vacation with benefits -- but I just MIGHT...." etc,-- then forget everything I've said. You're already a part of the semi-honest, great game-playing crowd.
---------------------------------------.

PS Be discreet or be prepared for the hostility you'll get from American woman when they learn of your project. It is true; American men DO exploit foreign women. But it is doubly true: clever foreign women exploit US men! The wrong one can wreck your life. Be careful out there!

Thanks. So how did you end up in a little village in Columbia? What was the pathway?

 

[Dtail]

I know a couple of gentlemen who went to stip clubs in the USA and became involved with strippers. Their lives were never the same after that. And, their wives were never the same either....

I guess that's why they call them Gentleman's Clubs.

 

[richardsok]

Thanks. So how did you end up in a little village in Columbia? What was the pathway?

Aw, long story, plan.

Around mid 1990s I was just starting to emerge from the financial disaster of my divorce and could project I'd be OK financially in the future. But I still dealt with the blues, self esteem issues, bitter memories and I decided I had to get my personal life in order. Regularly rejected by attractive American women, I decided I would set about an international search in an organized manner. For some reason, I felt more secure speaking with foreigners. (In back of it, I knew I might not be desired by some, but I would always be at least "interesting" as a foreigner who dressed decently and was attentive and polite and stayed at nice hotels) And so it was.

This was all pre-email. I started simply by writing letters to women who put their names out to agencies. Just that. Some answered, usually excited. I budgeted myself to two international "meet" trips per year with an "A" interest and a "B" if "A" feel apart. Yes, I'd get rejected, but now I was being dumped by a whole better class of dames -- and the "B" prospects were, for the most part also very nice. I tried to prevent disappointing anyone by telling everyone from the git-go that I would make no decisions that trip but promised to write some more after my trip was over so we could both think some more. (And I DID write.... but, sad to say, I regret I probably disappointed two gals anyway.) In dating there's just no escaping feeling ashamed at times. I also tried to plan side activities if my meetings all went terribly wrong. (Salvaging a disaster of a trip.) I planned scuba diving, deep sea fishing and museum visits, shopping for artifacts, but rarely wound up doing any of those things

When I met Adri, my search was over. (Small town girl, pretty, decent family, struggling economically, Christians. There's something very seductive about being amid a large family who all think you're terrific! (WHO -- I'd ask -- WILL EVER BE AS GOOD AS SHE IS?) I traveled two more times, but both just to visit with her. Had BIG issues at home: fights with my elderly father and my teenage daughter (tears & weeping) and my sister and ex-wife (warnings and threats!) over marrying her, but I wed her anyway.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

[Amethyst]

Aw, long story, plan.

Around mid 1990s I was just starting to emerge from the financial disaster of my divorce and could project I'd be OK financially in the future. But I still dealt with the blues, self esteem issues, bitter memories and I decided I had to get my personal life in order. Regularly rejected by attractive American women, I decided I would set about an international search in an organized manner. For some reason, I felt more secure speaking with foreigners. (In back of it, I knew I might not be desired by some, but I would always be at least "interesting" as a foreigner who dressed decently and was attentive and polite and stayed at nice hotels) And so it was.

This was all pre-email. I started simply by writing letters to women who put their names out to agencies. Just that. Some answered, usually excited. I budgeted myself to two international "meet" trips per year with an "A" interest and a "B" if "A" feel apart. Yes, I'd get rejected, but now I was being dumped by a whole better class of dames -- and the "B" prospects were, for the most part also very nice. I tried to prevent disappointing anyone by telling everyone from the git-go that I would make no decisions that trip but promised to write some more after my trip was over so we could both think some more. (And I DID write.... but, sad to say, I regret I probably disappointed two gals anyway.) In dating there's just no escaping feeling ashamed at times. I also tried to plan side activities if my meetings all went terribly wrong. (Salvaging a disaster of a trip.) I planned scuba diving, deep sea fishing and museum visits, shopping for artifacts, but rarely wound up doing any of those things

When I met Adri, my search was over. (Small town girl, pretty, decent family, struggling economically, Christians. There's something very seductive about being amid a large family who all think you're terrific! (WHO -- I'd ask -- WILL EVER BE AS GOOD AS SHE IS?) I traveled two more times, but both just to visit with her. Had BIG issues at home: fights with my elderly father and my teenage daughter (tears & weeping) and my sister and ex-wife (warnings and threats!) over marrying her, but I wed her anyway.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Glad you stuck to it.

 

[Amethyst]

“Devolves?” Hmmm….

I’ve been married to my Asian wife for over 40/years. Beautiful, kind, came with a Ph.D. and a (realized) high earning potential. Didn’t seem like a devolution to me, but I’ll give that some more thought.

I'm glad to hear your happy story of genuine love and equality.

On this and other forums, these types of threads often exude a sense of the younger lady and older American gentleman marrying for rather pragmatic reasons. So I wonder why such pragmatic marriages are not heard of between the younger, attractive men and older American ladies, who surely can provide similar advantages.

 

[RetiredHappy]

I'm glad to hear your happy story of genuine love and equality.

On this and other forums, these types of threads often exude a sense of the younger lady and older American gentleman marrying for rather pragmatic reasons. So I wonder why such pragmatic marriages are not heard of between the younger, attractive men and older American ladies, who surely can provide similar advantages.

I am actually a younger Asian female who married an older American caucasian man, although I have higher net worth than him. No financial advantage, and on the contrary, with people assuming that I married him for "pragmatic" reasons, as you have assumed in your statement above. I already had a green card when I met him at work.

 

[martyp]

I'm glad to hear your happy story of genuine love and equality.

On this and other forums, these types of threads often exude a sense of the younger lady and older American gentleman marrying for rather pragmatic reasons. So I wonder why such pragmatic marriages are not heard of between the younger, attractive men and older American ladies, who surely can provide similar advantages.

i don't think there is anything pragmatic about it. It is just the long known observation that marriages typically consist of a younger woman and older man. The typical story is that women are hypergamous and men value youth. There are a number of other cultural criteria used as well.

 

[Montecfo]

Nothing mysterious or new here.

 

[martyp]

I am actually a younger Asian female who married an older American caucasian man, although I have higher net worth than him. No advantage, and on the contrary, with people assuming that I married him for "pragmatic" reasons, as you have assumed in your statement above. I already had green card when I met him at work.

There is an assumption that foreign women marry Americans to get a green card and then US citizenship. I'm sure that is true to some extent. My observation here in Thailand over 9 years is that most Thai women do not want to move out of Thailand. I think if you are in a stable foreign country then I think most of the women there don't necessarily want to leave their home country just like most American don't want to move abroad.

 

[RetiredHappy]

There is an assumption that foreign women marry Americans to get a green card and then US citizenship. I'm sure that is true to some extent. My observation here in Thailand over 9 years is that most Thai women do not want to move out of Thailand. I think if you are in a stable foreign country then I think most of the women there don't necessarily want to leave their home country just like most American don't want to move abroad.

I was posted to the US on an intra-company transfer with a L1-visa (managerial transfer) and got my green card subsequently. I moved here from a first world country, contrary to the stereo-typical "poorer" country immigrant. In my case there is no pragmatic reason to marry a "foreigner".

 

[martyp]

I was posted to the US on an intra-company transfer with a L1-visa (managerial transfer) and got my green card subsequently. I moved here from a first world country, contrary to the stereo-typical "poorer" country immigrant. In my case there is no pragmatic reason to marry a "foreigner".

I think there is an assumption among some Americans that any foreigner, from any country, at any income level wants to come to America.

 

[RetiredHappy]

I think there is an assumption among some Americans that any foreigner, from any country, at any income level wants to come to America.

My close friend (a male) back home has been most surprised that I was willing to give up my life to live long term in the US. My girlfriends think that I am "crazy" to give up the good life to move to the US. There are pros and cons, so in my situation, it is complicated.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

I'm glad to hear your happy story of genuine love and equality.

So I wonder why such pragmatic marriages are not heard of between the younger, attractive men and older American ladies, who surely can provide similar advantages.

It's not heard of because of the rules of attraction.

 

[Koolau]

I've mentioned before that I met DW in 2nd grade. We have been friends for over 70 years. I often thank God and DW that she saw fit to marry me and stay with me through thick and thin. All in all it's been a wonderful life.

Reading these pages, I realize that I don't thank God or her often enough! I'm gonna w*rk on that!

 

[FlaGator]

I'm glad to hear your happy story of genuine love and equality.

On this and other forums, these types of threads often exude a sense of the younger lady and older American gentleman marrying for rather pragmatic reasons. So I wonder why such pragmatic marriages are not heard of between the younger, attractive men and older American ladies, who surely can provide similar advantages.

Fair question.

From my experience and observations of people I know, I think the lack of younger men with older women come down to differences in financial resources, overall health, daily stamina, family commitments and interest in sex.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

Since there are 7 posts on this aspect, perhaps this will illustrate things. This is from eHarmony. According to them, the men most often view the profiles with the women's age displayed in orange.

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

View attachment 64218

Since there are 7 posts on this aspect, perhaps this will illustrate things. This is from eHarmony. According to them, the men most often view the profiles with the women's age displayed in orange.

Is there a similar graph illustrating women’s preference?

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

Proposal for consideration: What do you think?

This thread started with @Amy T suggesting that a dating site for the early retirement demographic would have merit. Perhaps because there is no such site, several posters have literally gone around the world seeking romance.

Just spitballing an idea: What if there was a dedicated thread on Early-Retirement.org for those seeking romance? To maximize the likelihood that an authentic demographic was participating, one could only post in that thread if one had a certain longevity on ER, (1 year?} and a certain post count (150?).

Participants could self-promote on the public thread and interested potential mates could DM for followup. The 150 post count requirement might give some insight into each party, and the DM followup of the promotional post would help to further explore.

Well, feel free to shoot holes in this attempt to matchmake the ER crowd. Since I’ve never visited a hookup/dating site, I don’t know what I don’t know.

 

[athena53]

Just spitballing an idea: What if there was a dedicated thread on Early-Retirement.org for those seeking romance?

I'd certainly check it out but for me geography is a major factor. I'm about to move to be near family, they're firmly rooted in the area, so I'm not moving. He'd have to be interested in moving to a flyover state that gets darned cold in the winter.

Since there are 7 posts on this aspect, perhaps this will illustrate things. This is from eHarmony. According to them, the men most often view the profiles with the women's age displayed in orange.

Wow. I can understand the physical attraction of 20-somethings for 50-year old men but are they willing to deal with a second family if she wants babies? In my age group (73) I see a lot of posts on Match from men looking for women 10-15 years younger.

I haven't seen gaps that big on Match bt a lot of guys are looking for 10-15 years younger.

 

[Aerides]

Proposal for consideration: What do you think?

This thread started with @Amy T suggesting that a dating site for the early retirement demographic would have merit. Perhaps because there is no such site, several posters have literally gone around the world seeking romance.

Just spitballing an idea: What if there was a dedicated thread on Early-Retirement.org for those seeking romance? To maximize the likelihood that an authentic demographic was participating, one could only post in that thread if one had a certain longevity on ER, (1 year?} and a certain post count (150?).

Participants could self-promote on the public thread and interested potential mates could DM for followup. The 150 post count requirement might give some insight into each party, and the DM followup of the promotional post would help to further explore.

Well, feel free to shoot holes in this attempt to matchmake the ER crowd. Since I’ve never visited a hookup/dating site, I don’t know what I don’t know.

No. That's been discussed before and the mess and liability for the forum would be problematic to say the least. It would also attract spam and cat fishing and the internet would have a ball.

And those discussions were before AI!

 

[Mulligan]

Wow. I can understand the physical attraction of 20-somethings for 50-year old men but are they willing to deal with a second family if she wants babies? In my age group (73) I see a lot of posts on Match….
I had several serious relationships that were doomed from the start over this. Though at time I was late 30s early 40s with ladies mid to late 20s. It would always get to “that point”. I wasnt willing to be a second generation parent, and they deserved the opportunity to have and raise a family. So amicable breakups would then occur.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

Wow. I can understand the physical attraction of 20-somethings for 50-year old men but are they willing to deal with a second family if she wants babies? In my age group (73) I see a lot of posts on Match from men looking for women 10-15 years younger.

I haven't seen gaps that big on Match bt a lot of guys are looking for 10-15 years younger.

Some men will, some men won't. Individuals vary.

Something us older folk may not be aware of is there are a significant amount of young people (who are the vast majority on the dating apps) who have no intention of having kids. Including couples.