Dating for the ER community

[Mr. Tightwad]

Is there a similar graph illustrating women’s preference?

Yes, but I couldn't find it. But I remember it because it was so interesting.

The women's graph showed that women message men from 2 years younger than them, up to two years older than them. Example : Say the woman is 28. Her graph shows she messaged men 26, 27, 28, 29, and 30.

No matter the woman's age, the range was within 2 years of her age.

This info was from eHarmony (from a good many years ago). I wonder if anyone else recalls it?

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

Since this is still the hot topic, I found one more. This heat map shows frequency of messaging by age.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I had a friend who was disappointed about not meeting the right women after a divorce and he was 52. He flew to Russia to meet a woman that was 15 years younger than him that didn’t speak English. She had two teenagers. She was also really beautiful and much better looking than him.

The predictable happened. He brought her and her kids over here and married her. She was smart and learned English and got a job. Five years later once she had her citizenship, she divorced him. He was shocked, but none of his friends were.

Two of my three sons have partners from foreign countries, but the stories are very different. My oldest son met a woman from Poland that had her own career and life in Poland, but was here on a visit.

They met on a train and spent a month together and then she went back home. They dated long distance for three years with him traveling to Poland many times during that period to make sure it was right. Neither was willing to rush into anything because they were in their 30s. It was a big decision for her to move to the states which she did when they got married.

My youngest son has lived in Vietnam for eight years except for a couple years during the pandemic when he came home because he’s a teacher and all the schools closed. He’s in a serious relationship that’s moving towards marriage with a Vietnamese woman, but he has no desire to return to the United States since he loves Vietnam and his job. She has her own career and no desire to move here either.

 

[Flieger]

I'm glad to hear your happy story of genuine love and equality.

On this and other forums, these types of threads often exude a sense of the younger lady and older American gentleman marrying for rather pragmatic reasons. So I wonder why such pragmatic marriages are not heard of between the younger, attractive men and older American ladies, who surely can provide similar advantages.

IMO, I think a lot of the answer to this is in earlier posts. I would think older men would have no problem "pursuing' to a great effort younger women. Based on your own statements, older women would not put that effort in to that extent based on "enlightenment", etc which would limit the outcomes.

Flieger

 

[RetiredHappy]

I had a friend who was disappointed about not meeting the right women after a divorce and he was 52. He flew to Russia to meet a woman that was 15 years younger than him that didn’t speak English. She had two teenagers. She was also really beautiful and much better looking than him.

The predictable happened. He brought her and her kids over here and married her. She was smart and learned English and got a job. Five years later once she had her citizenship, she divorced him. He was shocked, but none of his friends were.

Something similar happened to an ex-colleague of mine. He got a mail order catalogue bride from Russia. He brought her over to the US and got married. They did end up with having a child and as soon as she got her citizenship, she filed for divorce. That guy had to cough up half of his assets in the divorce and pay child support to her. A couple of our friends digged at him and said she got her meal ticket through their child. We heard that she later brought over her long time boyfriend from Russia. It appeared to be a well calculated move by the woman.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

I'm getting a laugh about one observation:

Several posts by men have been made about how great it is meeting women from international locations.

Several posts by women have detailed horror stories regarding men going to international locations.

I can't be the only one that see's humor in this.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I'm glad to hear your happy story of genuine love and equality.

On this and other forums, these types of threads often exude a sense of the younger lady and older American gentleman marrying for rather pragmatic reasons. So I wonder why such pragmatic marriages are not heard of between the younger, attractive men and older American ladies, who surely can provide similar advantages.

Personally, I don’t want to be in any type of relationship let alone a marriage when you know the person is only with you because of an economic need and that you have a lot of money. I also think it would be difficult to have things in common with somebody if they were too much younger than you are. Obviously that will vary between couples. I would only want to be with somebody if it was true love and not any type of economical arrangement.

I had a good friend that was desperate to find a new husband when her husband died at the age of 77. Within six months she was on the hunt and willing to date anybody. She did find somebody that was willing to marry her very quickly after only knowing each other for two months.

There is a lot of money inequality between them and he was five years younger, but had many serious health problems. I tried to warn her to get a prenup, but she wouldn’t listen. Hopefully he will not divorce her and take half her money. Maybe he was just looking for a nurse.

She is far from rich , but has more money than him and a very expensive home. She still works part time from home even though she’s turning 80 this year and brings in a good income from doing that. They should’ve just lived together. I think when someone you barely know wants to marry you, especially in the senior years there is an ulterior motive.

 

[Chuckanut]

Every dating thread on this site eventually devolves to older American men marrying younger Asian women. I never see mention of the opposite. Strange.

Not really. Older men as a group tend to have more money than younger men. And they will die sooner leaving that money to the young wife.

In poorer parts of the world the above is very important for the woman to enjoy a secure life for herself and especially for her children.

FWIW, all the women I have dated have all been financially independent. They don’t need a man and his money to continue their lifestyle. That makes for a much nicer and easier relationship, IMO.

 

[Teacher Terry]

One of the saddest things I ever saw was at a restaurant and I could see an older gentleman with a much younger Asian wife, and they barely spoke throughout the meal. Then an older woman that was someone he knew, joined them and sat in their booth.

The conversation between those two was very animated and you could tell they were having fun. I remember thinking that instead of looking for someone younger and prettier that man should have married someone his own age who he could’ve had some fun with.

I was 20 years younger at the time. In case you think I was spying on them in fact where our table was, I had a direct line of vision).

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

FWIW, all the women I have dated have all been financially independent. They don’t need a man and his money to continue their lifestyle. That makes for a much nicer and easier relationship, IMO.

Even when you were younger? They've ALL been financially independent?

I've never had a GF that was wealthy, or even FI.

I've been with a good amount that are high earners though. Including current GF.

But the vast majority either didn't have two nickels to run together, or were low earners.

What money they have in the bank is of no importance to me. If they were pleasant and enjoyable to be around, they got another invitation. If they weren't, they didn't. Finances were immaterial.

 

[GravitySucks]

A friend of a friend did a sabbatical in SE Asia when he was 35. He met and married a Thai woman while there.
My friend, and her friends were talking about him running off and getting a child bride.
I was lucky enough to be in his city and invited to his wife’s birthday party. Turns out she was 28 and he 35 when they married. I stay in touch with him on Facebook, they’re still happily married and have a preteen daughter now.

People will make assumptions.

 

[Chuckanut]

Even when you were younger? They've ALL been financially independent?

I've never had a GF that was wealthy, or even FI.

If she’s financially irresponsible and I know or suspect it, I don’t go out with her. It’s not hard to figure out. If I go out with her, and I find out she not financially responsible, I graciously end the involvement. Obviously this is my current policy as an adult member of the ER community. Note the title of this thread.

Financially responsible does not mean being wealthy or a high earner. To me it means she can live her lifestyle of choice without needing $$’s from me. IOW, If she wants to fly first-class to Bora Bora, she has the money to pay for it. If she can only afford the cheap red-eye flight, she can pay for that if it gets her to Bora Bora. Either way she doesn’t need anything from me to get to Bora Bora.

 

[CalBird]

I once met a couple in cruise, man in 80s and lady in 60s. They obviously haven’t been together very long. The man very proudly told me there were two red hair ladies chasing him. As a man, if you can make it to very old age, there are plenty of younger women fighting for very limited candidates .

 

[Mulligan]

If she’s financially irresponsible and I know or suspect it, I don’t go out with her. It’s not hard to figure out. If I go out with her, and I find out she not financially responsible, I graciously end the involvement. Obviously this is my current policy as an adult member of the ER community. Note the title of this thread.

Financially responsible does not mean being wealthy or a high earner. To me it means she can live her lifestyle of choice without needing $$’s from me. IOW, If she wants to fly first-class to Bora Bora, she has the money to pay for it. If she can only afford the cheap red-eye flight, she can pay for that if it gets her to Bora Bora. Either way she doesn’t need anything from me to get to Bora Bora.

When I started dating my SO ~20 years ago, she was basically at $0.00… But not in debt. She got a better job thereafter and has beefed up 401k pretty good and will get a smaller early out pension. But still there is no way she can get out the door in ER soon without me giving her some dough each month. So we have a plan as I dont want her dipping into her 401k. We arent married but she has the rock, a life insurance policy, gets the house, and half my assets…Hmm sounds like I am married, ha. She offered me to be beneficiary of her monies if she passed before me. I declined as I told her that her child is going to need that and more.
I thought I had an unusual relationship until I started running into a guy on golf course I frequently play with. He got divorced eons ago and has had a live in significant other for 43 years. I doubt I catch them, ha.

 

[MichaelB]

Thanks for an interesting discussion