Dating for the ER community

[Chuckanut]

I think it’s much harder to meet somebody in the wild when you’re a senior than when you are young

I’m not so sure of that. Many young people today have lost the ability to simply approach a person at a social site and start talking. A guy at my church found his current wife (they’ve now been married 20+ years) when he returned an item at a retail store. He asked the attractive clerk, whom he had never seen before, if she had time for a drink after work. She replied that she did not drink with strangers. He stopped right there, thinking he had struck out. As she finished with his return, she added “But, I would enjoy a walk in the nearby park”. That was all it took.

Guys just don’t know how to approach and talk to gals these days. And it’s not just the younger ones. And gals don’t know how to signal interest. Perhaps we should go back to ladies dropping their handkerchief in front of an interesting man hoping he will pick it up. Or bumping carts in the grocery store? Who knows?

 

[aja8888]

I’m not so sure of that. Many young people today have lost the ability to simply approach a person at a social site and start talking. A guy at my church found his current wife (they’ve now been married 20+ years) when he returned an item at a retail store. He asked the attractive cleck, whom he had never seen before, if she had time for coffee soon. She replied that she did not drink coffee. He stopped right there, thinking he had struck out. As she finished with his return, she added “But, I do drink tea”. That was all it took.

Guys just don’t know how to approach and talk to gals these days. And gals don’t know how to signal interest. Perhaps we should go back to ladies dropping their handkerchief in front of an interesting man hoping he will pick it up. Or bumping carts in the grocery store? Who knows?

In my 3.5 years of being a widower, I tried hanging around the spices isle in the grocery store looking confused with hope that some friendly, attractive widow would show up and help me pick out what I was after, but that never happened.

So I tried church activities and that was a bomb. I also joined a local Meetup group of 55+ people and went to several events without much luck in finding someone I would like to spend time with. Then I sold my house and kept my cute dog and signed on to a 55+ "active" senior apartment complex, but active usually meant daytime bingo or domino's.....no deal for this active guy! Seems like most residents there are waiting for the "next step" to happen (assisted living).

Reverting to online searches, the paid sites were notoriously full of fake people and scammers, so I tried the FREE Facebook dating site and connected with a few great ladies. After several meetups, dates and lots of texting and calls, I hit the jackpot.

 

[ls99]

Met late wife in a Maryland diner where she and her then husband and I hung out regularly.

There were a bunch of folks who preferred sitting at the counter, on the other side of which was the grill where food was prepared. BTW, I miss that old time diner experience, in western PA I have found one place like the old time diners. It is a bit overpriced, closing at random times for the owner and his wife be off to somwhere.
Usual social banter along with tall tales and typical bitching about roads, weather, and whatever else, and small talk while there. With the other regulars pitching in and expanding on various subjects.

I was not into looking or getting married. Some years later her husband died of cancer. For some more years both of us hung out at this same diner. Eventually we went for dinner elsewhere. Then dated for a while, then lived together in my house, then got married. We moved to western PA after I retired.... 22 years after being together she died of lung cancer.

Am back in the the original mind frame, no interest in looking or dating at all.
I do dance a good bit, women ranging from their twenties to late seventies. Have no interest in taking any of the ladies out, let alone home.

Never did any looking online for companion stuff, still don't, have no interest in swiping or reading about who what when where in what manner. Yeccch..... The fundamntal problem like why don't have TV, is requires sitting on one's a$$. There are better things to do, for example: laying in the grass a watch weeds grow.

When not dancing I prefer solitude.

 

[SecondCor521]

I'm curious if anyone here has experience (or knows anyone who does) with using wealth as a tool to find a mate? I mean "OK if she loves me for my money, as long as she loves me."

I would not personally.

First, I don't look like I am wealthy, and someone showing wealth off would probably not match my financial or personal value system very well.

Second, I would view it as being used for my money, or in love with my money, not "loving me for my money". And that is nearly the opposite of what I would want. If she's not choosing me for me, then that is a big void. If she's choosing my money, that's a big negative. If she would choose me and I happen to have money, that's the ideal case. But I don't know if that will ever happen. I'm rarely chosen enough to make it long enough to discuss finances.

(ETA: A lot of the value I bring is not visible. If you passed me in the grocery store, you wouldn't know my character, my education, my accomplishments, my interests, my effort or commitment level, my sense of humor, my faith, or, as noted above, my assets.

What you can tell is how I dress, my posture, and my general physique and health. I've been working on these things, but at the moment I'm decidedly in the middle of the bell curve. Hopefully to the right of mu, but I'm not good at self evaluation.)

I’m not so sure of that. Many young people today have lost the ability to simply approach a person at a social site and start talking. A guy at my church found his current wife (they’ve now been married 20+ years) when he returned an item at a retail store. He asked the attractive clerk, whom he had never seen before, if she had time for a drink after work. She replied that she did not drink with strangers. He stopped right there, thinking he had struck out. As she finished with his return, she added “But, I would enjoy a walk in the nearby park”. That was all it took.

My third third date (yes, you read that correctly) was an attractive clerk at Barnes and Noble. I of course chatted like a fool, and couldn't not ask her out. So I called the store and asked the store manager if I could talk to her. She thought there was a problem with my purchase or something, but I asked her to coffee and she said yes. It ended up not working out (she was fresh off a divorce and not ready to date I think), but she was a good person.

Guys just don’t know how to approach and talk to gals these days. And it’s not just the younger ones. And gals don’t know how to signal interest. Perhaps we should go back to ladies dropping their handkerchief in front of an interesting man hoping he will pick it up. Or bumping carts in the grocery store? Who knows?

If there were universally agreed upon signals that would be nice. Unfortunately for the guys, the women tend to be more subtle than most guys would probably prefer. I've figured it out enough to tell I think, but I'm still caught unawares and probably miss opportunities sometimes. I know women have their own challenges with us men.

 

[Gary Smith]

I would not personally.

First, I don't look like I am wealthy, and someone showing wealth off would probably not match my financial or personal value system very well.

Second, I would view it as being used for my money, or in love with my money, not "loving me for my money". And that is nearly the opposite of what I would want. If she's not choosing me for me, then that is a big void. If she's choosing my money, that's a big negative. If she would choose me and I happen to have money, that's the ideal case. But I don't know if that will ever happen. I'm rarely chosen enough to make it long enough to discuss finances.

(ETA: A lot of the value I bring is not visible. If you passed me in the grocery store, you wouldn't know my character, my education, my accomplishments, my interests, my effort or commitment level, my sense of humor, my faith, or, as noted above, my assets.

What you can tell is how I dress, my posture, and my general physique and health. I've been working on these things, but at the moment I'm decidedly in the middle of the bell curve. Hopefully to the right of mu, but I'm not good at self evaluation.)



My third third date (yes, you read that correctly) was an attractive clerk at Barnes and Noble. I of course chatted like a fool, and couldn't not ask her out. So I called the store and asked the store manager if I could talk to her. She thought there was a problem with my purchase or something, but I asked her to coffee and she said yes. It ended up not working out (she was fresh off a divorce and not ready to date I think), but she was a good person.



If there were universally agreed upon signals that would be nice. Unfortunately for the guys, the women tend to be more subtle than most guys would probably prefer. I've figured it out enough to tell I think, but I'm still caught unawares and probably miss opportunities sometimes. I know women have their own challenges with us men.

Great thread and some reflective comments like the one above. I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix everyone up with just the right match. It is not fun being alone in old age. Especially for those who have lost a loved one and/or those who don’t have an extended family, I occasionally volunteer at my local nursing home and it is appalling to see so many spend their last few years totally cut off from the world with no friends and either no family or even worse family members who never visit.

 

[RetiredHappy]

I'm curious if anyone here has experience (or knows anyone who does) with using wealth as a tool to find a mate? I mean "OK if she loves me for my money, as long as she loves me."

Jeff Bezos?

 

[athena53]

(ETA: A lot of the value I bring is not visible. If you passed me in the grocery store, you wouldn't know my character, my education, my accomplishments, my interests, my effort or commitment level, my sense of humor, my faith, or, as noted above, my assets.

What you can tell is how I dress, my posture, and my general physique and health. I've been working on these things, but at the moment I'm decidedly in the middle of the bell curve. Hopefully to the right of mu, but I'm not good at self evaluation.)

Yeah, that would be me, too. I think that at this age, physical attraction needs time to grow because we're no longer as sleek and youthful as we used to be. My next partner, if I have one, will be treated to the sight of my sternotomy scar (which is actually a lot fainter than the "railroad tracks" I expected) and the two areas punctured for surgical tubing. I'm darned grateful for both and still wear my V-necked tops but it's another imperfection.

A friend jokingly suggested that I could get a younger man who'd stay with me because I spent money on him. No, thanks. I'd rather leave more to my son and his family than pay a Boy Toy for his favors.

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

I would not personally.

First, I don't look like I am wealthy, and someone showing wealth off would probably not match my financial or personal value system very well.

Second, I would view it as being used for my money, or in love with my money, not "loving me for my money". And that is nearly the opposite of what I would want. If she's not choosing me for me, then that is a big void. If she's choosing my money, that's a big negative. If she would choose me and I happen to have money, that's the ideal case. But I don't know if that will ever happen. I'm rarely chosen enough to make it long enough to discuss finances.

(ETA: A lot of the value I bring is not visible. If you passed me in the grocery store, you wouldn't know my character, my education, my accomplishments, my interests, my effort or commitment level, my sense of humor, my faith, or, as noted above, my assets.

What you can tell is how I dress, my posture, and my general physique and health. I've been working on these things, but at the moment I'm decidedly in the middle of the bell curve. Hopefully to the right of mu, but I'm not good at self evaluation.)

I appreciate all your points. I am fortunate to still be happily married to my first wife of over 40 years.

I do wonder about strategies that are used to find the right second chance relationship. For example, one could say that they would not make any effort to change their appearance in order to impress someone (i.e., "I'm not shaving if I don't feel like it and I'll wear my sweatpants to my meetup.") to a bolder plan to weaponize their assets (e.g., for women, applying makeup and wearing clothes to optimize one's looks, or going so far as getting breast augmentation or a facelift) , or for men, e.g., taking a prospect to an expensive restaurant to signal comfortable lifestyle vs. the local sandwich shop to hide it).

Lets say you are very early in a relationship and there seems to be a wealth disparity. You decide to travel together. If you have the means, would you pay for the trip and would you buy F tickets for the flight and stay in your typical Four Seasons hotel, or do you do Main Cabin and find a HoJo? How far does one go to make sure they "love me for me" vs. love me for me and my lifestyle (i.e., "my money" as in my OP)?

Interested in how you folks navigate these waters.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

I'm curious if anyone here has experience (or knows anyone who does) with using wealth as a tool to find a mate? I mean "OK if she loves me for my money, as long as she loves me."

I've only seen one dating site where your net worth was an option in your profile. I put down about half of what I was worth. I don't divulge anything factual about me on a profile, I reveal info in person once I've assessed it's safe to do so. Exceptions are I put my true height, hair color etc.

Here's a story about how I could have used it: One woman had a conversation with me for awhile, and eventually she suggested we go to dinner. I said sure, and she responded with "Well I'll have to take off work, which costs me money, so you will need to Zelle me to reimburse me for the wages I'd be missing".

This is a good example of what dating apps can be like and how one needs to be wary 100% of the time.

 

[aja8888]

I appreciate all your points. I am fortunate to still be happily married to my first wife of over 40 years.

I do wonder about strategies that are used to find the right second chance relationship. For example, one could say that they would not make any effort to change their appearance in order to impress someone (i.e., "I'm not shaving if I don't feel like it and I'll wear my sweatpants to my meetup.") to a bolder plan to weaponize their assets (e.g., for women, applying makeup and wearing clothes to optimize one's looks, or going so far as getting breast augmentation or a facelift) , or for men, e.g., taking a prospect to an expensive restaurant to signal comfortable lifestyle vs. the local sandwich shop to hide it).

Lets say you are very early in a relationship and there seems to be a wealth disparity. You decide to travel together. If you have the means, would you pay for the trip and would you buy F tickets for the flight and stay in your typical Four Seasons hotel, or do you do Main Cabin and find a HoJo? How far does one go to make sure they "love me for me" vs. love me for me and my lifestyle (i.e., "my money" as in my OP)?

Interested in how you folks navigate these waters.

Well, here's some of my experiences:

AJA has a date with a widowed woman tomorrow evening! Needs advice....quickly please!

So I have a date for dinner with a younger (5 years) lady that I met recently (LOL..."younger"). She is NOT from the 55+ apartment complex where I now live. She is a widow (2 years), has her own home, is financially independent, is health conscious, has a great family (local, kids, grands)...

www.early-retirement.org

 

[GrayHare]

When considering money alone, more important to me than net worth is whether the person is a saver or a spender. That distinction usually becomes evident fairly quickly.

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

Well, here's some of my experiences:

AJA has a date with a widowed woman tomorrow evening! Needs advice....quickly please!

So I have a date for dinner with a younger (5 years) lady that I met recently (LOL..."younger"). She is NOT from the 55+ apartment complex where I now live. She is a widow (2 years), has her own home, is financially independent, is health conscious, has a great family (local, kids, grands)...

www.early-retirement.org

That was an interesting read which I followed. I'm happy it has worked out for you!

 

[SecondCor521]

I appreciate all your points. I am fortunate to still be happily married to my first wife of over 40 years.

I'm happy for you.

I do wonder about strategies that are used to find the right second chance relationship. For example, one could say that they would not make any effort to change their appearance in order to impress someone (i.e., "I'm not shaving if I don't feel like it and I'll wear my sweatpants to my meetup.")

The goal for me is to be myself and to care about myself enough to dress appropriately for the environment I choose to be in.

I don't dress to try to impress anyone. I did dress nicely the other day because I was going to an appointment and wanted to look nice. If I'm at home I'll wear sweatpants. If I'm at the gym I'll wear gym clothes.

I don't like to shave so I only shave every four or five days.

to a bolder plan to weaponize their assets (e.g., for women, applying makeup and wearing clothes to optimize one's looks, or going so far as getting breast augmentation or a facelift) , or for men, e.g., taking a prospect to an expensive restaurant to signal comfortable lifestyle vs. the local sandwich shop to hide it).

I think people are weird about money in a broader sense, not just in the dating world. So I have had a rule for a long time that I just don't share asset or income information with anyone.

I do tend to practice stealth wealth in general, but that's more out of convenience and comfort than anything else. I grew up in a comfortable but frugal household, so I simply prefer sandwich shops.

In the dating world, I wouldn't signal with a fancy restaurant. For me personally that would come across as flaunting / bragging, and I know some women would view it as pressure / exchange for "so forth". That's not how I roll.

Lets say you are very early in a relationship and there seems to be a wealth disparity. You decide to travel together. If you have the means, would you pay for the trip and would you buy F tickets for the flight and stay in your typical Four Seasons hotel, or do you do Main Cabin and find a HoJo? How far does one go to make sure they "love me for me" vs. love me for me and my lifestyle (i.e., "my money" as in my OP)?

Interested in how you folks navigate these waters.

The overwhelming odds are that there will be a wealth disparity, and she's unlikely to be as frugal as I am. But both of those things are manageable.

I'm not the best example because I don't really date these days, but it's interesting for me to write about. I'm also weird in terms of the general dating population (probably not as weird within the realm of e-r.org) in that I can afford the nicer stuff but still choose not to buy it. So by wealth, maybe I should be dating someone who flies first class, but by disposition and lifestyle I'd prefer someone who could afford first but still chooses economy or premium economy.

To answer your question, personally I very likely wouldn't travel with someone or entangle finances until I was married, so I guess it wouldn't apply. Although I would definitely want to figure out how money worked in our relationship, and what her views were, and so forth, before marriage.

In my list of the person I'm looking for, I have "broadly similar financial philosophy", meaning she spends intentionally, saves, invests, plans, and gives. It's a pretty wide path from my point of view but a lot of women aren't there yet.

 

[CO-guy]

For anyone interested, I dated extensively in the early-2000s before meeting my better-half. Although I met her at a party ("IRL"), I met hundreds of women on sites like Match, LavaLife, and other dating sites of the time.... and equally in my normal day to day life. For context, nearly all of my friends at the time were single women and we turned dating into a collaborative effort to help each other find our "lobster." While some of that knowledge is outdated, here's what I gleaned from those experiences:

• Everyone I approached in real life was because I found them attractive. As a result, there was generally good chemistry, but often I found I had little in common with them beyond the initial attraction and so things would fizzle after a few dates.
• I turned to online dating to eliminate "attractiveness" as the initial hurdle. Although I had a profile photo, at the time, many women would not post pictures in their profile, which didn't bother me at all. Instead, I would learn about them over e-mail and then by phone before our first (often totally) "blind date." Further, I showed no interest in learning about their appearance until I met them in person. The result was that I formed deep connections with many women I met online that remained platonic.

From that online dating world of the early-2000s I picked up a few pieces of advice that still seem relevant.

1. Don't ever bother contacting someone. This is especially true if you're male. If you're messaging them, then it's likely they're getting hundreds of messages, lewd pics, and other unwanted communications. Treat your profile like an advertisement and let the contacts come to you.
2. Have some "boilerplate" messages ready to go for anyone that contacts you. Ask questions to gain insights into who that person is ("dream places to live, visit, etc.") and be ready to go 3-4 messages of "boilerplate" deep before deciding if you're even interested in the person you're messaging.
3. Meet in public for at least the first date. Literally, every single one of my female friends that had dates pick them up at home or from their office ended up with at least one stalker. Living in a city it was easy for me to say, "You mentioned your offices is in the ___ area, how about we meet at (some nearby location)."
4. Finally, be ready to date a lot of "frogs" before finding your right person. Deciding whether a photo is kissable isn't the same as meeting someone in person. I hear stories about people who found their "soul mate" as soon as they created their Hinge profile, but I think it's realistic to be prepared to talk with hundreds of people on dating apps and to meet dozens of them for a first date before finding that right person.

Frankly, I don't think dating has gotten any easier in the past 20 years, so I wish all those looking for love the best of luck.

 

[Sunset]

We’re are 7 months in and it looks like we will be together long term.

At our ages, that could be a few years ..

 

[Sunset]

Do non-computerized matchmakers still exist?

They are called friends.

 

[Chuckanut]

I appreciate all your points. I am fortunate to still be happily married to my first wife of over 40 years.

I do wonder about strategies that are used to find the right second chance relationship. For example, one could say that they would not make any effort to change their appearance in order to impress someone (i.e., "I'm not shaving if I don't feel like it and I'll wear my sweatpants to my meetup.") to a bolder plan to weaponize their assets (e.g., for women, applying makeup and wearing clothes to optimize one's looks, or going so far as getting breast augmentation or a facelift) , or for men, e.g., taking a prospect to an expensive restaurant to signal comfortable lifestyle vs. the local sandwich shop to hide it).

Lets say you are very early in a relationship and there seems to be a wealth disparity. You decide to travel together. If you have the means, would you pay for the trip and would you buy F tickets for the flight and stay in your typical Four Seasons hotel, or do you do Main Cabin and find a HoJo? How far does one go to make sure they "love me for me" vs. love me for me and my lifestyle (i.e., "my money" as in my OP)?

Interested in how you folks navigate these waters.

Paying for another persons upgraded seat is gift you give someone you care about. No more.No less.

 

[Sunset]

I'm curious if anyone here has experience (or knows anyone who does) with using wealth as a tool to find a mate? I mean "OK if she loves me for my money, as long as she loves me."

Jeff Bezos?

Good example, it cost him Billions.

More dramatic to me, was I knew a lawyer, he told me his girlfriend of a few months moved in with him, then a few months later moved out. He told me due to the laws, she is entitled to 1/2 the house.
She found a way to separate him from some of his money.

 

[braumeister]

Another option is how I met my wife. It was a long time ago, when we were both middle-aged and single. Belonging to a national organization that has annual conferences is a good thing to have in common.
We happened to both attend that annual get-together one year, and since it was in a city that neither of us knew well, we just showed up and went straight to the hors d'oeuvres and drinks socializing that starts off a lot of annual meetings.
We both reached for the same cookie at the same time, and within ten minutes I knew she was for me. That led to nearly 38 years of wedded bliss. Totally unplanned, since neither of us was actively looking at the time.

 

[RetiredHappy]

Good example, it cost him Billions.

No. When Jeff Bezos met MacKenzie Scott, they were colleagues and he was not wealthy then. She was right there when he started Amazon. In fact, she co-founded Amazon with Jeff Bezos. MacKenzie got billions and it was fair. Lauren Sanchez will unlikely to get any of his billions if they get a divorce. Pre-nup is a wonderful way to protect most of one's assets if one is uber wealthy and the other is not.

 

[Ronstar]

Indeed, I was very wary of male golddiggers. I included a photo of me without makeup, wearing goggles and holding my power sander, to show that I wasn't high maintenance and probably didn't live in luxury, and this seemed to keep them away. My husband said it was his favorite photo on my page.

I also own some chainsaws, and know how to use them!

Your husband found the perfect woman imo!

 

[RetiredHappy]

Another option is how I met my wife. It was a long time ago, when we were both middle-aged and single. Belonging to a national organization that has annual conferences is a good thing to have in common.
We happened to both attend that annual get-together one year, and since it was in a city that neither of us knew well, we just showed up and went straight to the hors d'oeuvres and drinks socializing that starts off a lot of annual meetings.
We both reached for the same cookie at the same time, and within ten minutes I knew she was for me. That led to nearly 38 years of wedded bliss. Totally unplanned, since neither of us was actively looking at the time.

Great story. Kind of like Lady and the Tramp eating the same spaghetti strand.

 

[old medic]

We both reached for the same cookie at the same time, and within ten minutes I knew she was for me. That led to nearly 38 years of wedded bliss. Totally unplanned, since neither of us was actively looking at the time.

Exactly my point.

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

Paying for another persons upgraded seat is gift you give someone you care about. No more.No less.

Yes. But one can care about someone in Main Cabin or F, and choose either one depending on one’s concerns about signaling wealth or using it as a tool to create/enhance attraction.

 

[CO-guy]

If there were universally agreed upon signals that would be nice. Unfortunately for the guys, the women tend to be more subtle than most guys would probably prefer. I've figured it out enough to tell I think, but I'm still caught unawares and probably miss opportunities sometimes. I know women have their own challenges with us men.

IMO, it's best to focus on getting better at starting conversations rather than "hitting on" women. It's a skill that's quick to develop to a point that talking to people becomes second nature, even for someone like me that's an introvert.

Without the anxiety of starting conversations with random strangers, it's easy to focus on finding a common topic or activity and then suggesting to continue that conversation (or participate in that shared activity) at a future time. When I was single, I would do this multiple times a day.

They are called friends.

In all of my time dating, as a rule I never dated the friends of my friends. The friends of those friends are fine, but no closer. Never once did I ever have to deal with a friend go, "So? How did it go? ......"