Did you ask permission to get married?

[Calico]

I asked for permission and would like my two boys to do the same.

You are asking a parent to hand over their little girl for you to take care of.

And you should already know the answer before you ask, just like you should already know the answer when you propose. If you have any doubts, then that is your answer.

This is exactly what I told my future son in law when he asked me.

Me to him: "Do you realize what you're asking?" "You aren't asking for my permission, you are telling me that you are willing to step into my shoes and take over the care of her, and to provide for her, to be her companion and to love her like me and her mother have done for the last 25 years." "That is what you are asking for, and if that's what you want and are willing to do, then yes, we'd love to have you in our family." He nodded in agreement and we hugged with a big "welcome to the family."

The infantilization of women demonstrated in this thread is abhorrent.

 

[PlayinwithFIRE]

This is a retiree forum, you should expect social ideas/norms to be outdated here

pwf

 

[Walt34]

Funny thing was on the way to the wedding, I was between contracts, so I told him I really appreciated he didn't mind his daughter was marrying an unemployed bum

This reminds me of a story:

When we retired we had contracted for a brand new house to be built in WV. We lived in MD at the time. Unfortunately the new house wasn't ready when promised and we had to be gone from the house we'd been living in for the sale to the new owner, so FIL generously gave us a roof overhead for the six weeks or so it would take for the new house to be ready.

The first afternoon staying at FIL's house at dinner I said to DW, "Well dear, here we are, unemployed, homeless, and living at your father's house".

DW: "You didn't have to put it THAT way!"

FIL just laughed.

 

[Rustward]

We did not, but I was 36 and DW was 40, and we had been a "couple" for seven years before getting married.

This reminded me of when I had started dating someone in college and after a few dates I invited her to a football game. She answered something like "Yes, but I'll be at home. My parents want to meet you so we'll drive in for the game. All we need to know is when and where to pick you up. And my little sister is coming with us." I said "OK. I guess you will have to finalize this with your parents, right"". "No, we already talked about it and it is all set." I was wondering who "we" who already talked about it was, because this was the first time I said anything about a football game. Then I decided not to overwork the conversation because I was getting what I wanted. I asked for one and got all four of them. Anyway we eventually went separate directions. She married someone else a few years later. I bet the guy had to ask her parents for permission.

 

[PristineSound]

The infantilization of women demonstrated in this thread is abhorrent.

Ask my wife about that and she will tell you she wants a chivalrous man to pamper her. If that means that she is called and infant, sure she will take it.

 

[VanWinkle]

We eloped and never told our parents we were getting married. Lasted almost 45 years until she passed away in 2019.

 

[Kings over Queens]

We did not, but I was 36 and DW was 40, and we had been a "couple" for seven years before getting married.

This reminded me of when I had started dating someone in college and after a few dates I invited her to a football game. She answered something like "Yes, but I'll be at home. My parents want to meet you so we'll drive in for the game. All we need to know is when and where to pick you up. And my little sister is coming with us." I said "OK. I guess you will have to finalize this with your parents, right"". "No, we already talked about it and it is all set." I was wondering who "we" who already talked about it was, because this was the first time I said anything about a football game. Then I decided not to overwork the conversation because I was getting what I wanted. I asked for one and got all four of them. Anyway we eventually went separate directions. She married someone else a few years later. I bet the guy had to ask her parents for permission.

Your story about the football game date made me think of the movie The Godfather, when Michael is hiding in Italy and the tavern keeper over hears his man talk about the woman they saw in the field, and Michael's request to date the woman. Epic scene.

 

[PatrickA5]

I didn't ask for permission. He might have said yes, but that wasn't a sure thing. When we were dating (high school), she wasn't allowed to go out with me twice on a weekend. I guess my FIL was hoping she'd find someone better. It was fine with me as it allowed me to hang out with my other friends at least one weekend night. I'm sure she could have found someone better, but she didn't try. I knew I couldn't find someone better. Been married 47 years. FIL eventually came around to liking me.

 

[Winemaker]

DW had a practice husband prior to me, so I didn't ask permission. My son jn law did ask for my blessing in 2009.

 

[socca]

... But honoring her parents and getting started on the right foot is wise I think. Plus if you don't, forget about getting an appropriately generous dowry.

Talk of dowries reminds me of a family story. My paternal grandparents tried to prevent my father from dating a certain woman at his college by relocating him to a different college 1000 miles away. My grandparents thought that this woman came from ‘the wrong side of the tracks’ and therefore wasn’t good enough for my father. The woman’s father grew up dirt-poor in south Texas and acquired a certain degree of middle-class respectability via a career in the military. The woman’s mother was a homemaker as was common at that time. The separation strategy didn’t work - love conquered all and my father ended up marrying the woman who became my mother. My mother’s family may have been poor but nevertheless she was quite a catch - above-average intelligence (a genius in her domain of expertise) and above-average good looks (think Sophia Loren). In an ironic twist my mother became more wealthy than my father after a strategic second marriage and decades of modest living and disciplined investing. Going further back in my father’s family tree there were marriages where both the bride and groom came from prominent, wealthy (but not super-wealthy) families, so I can understand how my grandparents might have wanted this for their only son. However, my suggestion for any young folks reading this post is to look beyond money and status to the ‘complete package’ when evaluating a potential mate.

 

[Montecfo]

Great story, and great advice.

FYI I was kidding about the dowry. Weak joke I guess though perhaps it could have relevance for some.

 

[Koolau]

Does any of the forum members have children that ever got married?

Care to share your experience?

No permission asked and none was required. Happy for the young couple and they're still going strong.

 

[skipro33]

Hell no I didn't ask for permission. I didn't even ask my bride if she would marry me. I joined the military at 18 and told her to plan our wedding over the Memorial Day weekend in a phone call, flew home and we married. 3 days later, we were back in Germany as husband and wife. That was 51 years ago this month.

 

[Maxburn]

I waited until I was older and turned out her parents had both passed. So I asked her son, he’d be my son after all so it really meant something to me to get his approval. Fortunately we get along.

 

[PatrickW]

DW asked me.

She didn't ask for my parent's blessing, and probably wouldn't have gotten it early on (because I'm from a conservative, law-abiding rural family whereas she's from California. I told her to wait until my family gets to know her a little better before mentioning that she's from California).

 

[meleana]

I was recently watching a segment from John Delony. A caller called in and said he asked her dad two times now if he could marry his daughter and both times he said no.

Is that still a thing people do? Or, was that something more people did back in the day?

I did not ask for permission to get married. Some like to call it a blessing/respect. Even back when I was engaged around 25 years old, I always thought it was weird to ask for permission. What if they said no...do you not get married. Or, would you lay out a game plan on how to make yourself look better so future FIL would approve of you. I don't get it.

My take is...why would a grown adult need permission from a grown adult to marry a grown adult? Let that sink in

Yes. My husband asked my dad back in 1976. My dad was an old fashioned conservative Italian and it was considered a sign of respect.

Not sure what they do these days as we have just one child- an unmarried adult son who is 38 years old.

 

[mcso]

I'm 57, married at 34 after 7 years of dating. I asked my now FIL for permission as that was the way it was done where I was brought up in Catholic Michigan.. His response was "about time" which was more or less my now wife's response.

 

[anothercog]

I asked my FIL about 25 years ago. I think he was just relieved that anyone would want to marry his daughter. At nearly 30 years old and a woman who spoke her mind, he didn’t think she was marriage material. Both his younger sons had married proper girls by then.

 

[RetiredHappy]

The infantilization of women demonstrated in this thread is abhorrent.

+1. It reminds me of my late mother-in-law who asked if my husband (her son) took me out to have meals out sometimes. I smiled sweetly and told her that I often took him out. She looked confused and my husband was amused.

 

[Dtail]

+1. It reminds me of my late mother-in-law who asked if my husband (her son) took me out to have meals out sometimes. I smiled sweetly and told her that I often took him out. She looked confused and my husband was amused.

Good for you.

 

[HappilyRetired]

I was recently watching a segment from John Delony. A caller called in and said he asked her dad two times now if he could marry his daughter and both times he said no.

Is that still a thing people do? Or, was that something more people did back in the day?

I did not ask for permission to get married. Some like to call it a blessing/respect. Even back when I was engaged around 25 years old, I always thought it was weird to ask for permission. What if they said no...do you not get married. Or, would you lay out a game plan on how to make yourself look better so future FIL would approve of you. I don't get it.

My take is...why would a grown adult need permission from a grown adult to marry a grown adult? Let that sink in

It is an honoring thing to do. It honors the father and his care of his daughter. My husband had to ask via the phone and it was a bad connection (1973). And my dad said “ I’m not sure I heard. Could you repeat it?” And my husband said. “I don’t think I can! “. Haha

 

[garey]

Yes, I asked my future father-in-law for his blessing. It was back in 1989. Her daughter and I had dated for 10 years, through college and my move to another state for work. He was a funny, freckled, short Irish guy. I made my pitch over lunch. He thought about it, then said "....Yes, I think my wife and I would like that very much. Of course you realize she's out of warranty." I thought I was gonna die laughing.

 

[dfblack]

I did not ask for permission, but for a 'blessing'. I made it clear in no uncertain terms that while he and I both know my DW could have done better than me for a husband, but our connection was real and it was happening with or without his blessing. It worked out fine as he was not the type of man to want a marshmallow as a son-in-law, and his daughter and I are still happily not-so-newlyweds after 33+ years.

 

[jollystomper]

Does any of the forum members have children that ever got married?

Care to share your experience?

We traveled overseas to visit one of our sons when he said he met a woman that we wanted to marry. Not only did he was us to meet her and spend time with her to get our opinion, but his family also wanted to meet us. Everything went well, and we told him she and her family were very nice (and they felt the same about us). At that point he proposed to her.

 

[SnowballCamper]

I think it depends on the family. I didn't ask permission out of principle that it's a woman's decision, but also because he was deceased decades earlier. If there is an expectation that the father of the bride is going to pay for the wedding, then it's certainly appropriate to seek his blessing. I would be elated if my daughter ran off and eloped when she is ready.