Discussing finance with family and friends seems fruitless

[Koolau]

Put the money that would be spent on car payments into new transmissions and other "expenseive" items.

Especially with those Mopars! Our business owned 5 Chrysler, Dodge, Plymouth minivans over the years. Every one of them needed one (or more) transmission jobs. BUT the "box" was perfect for our needs and the price was right compared to more reliable Japanese minivans. We just figured that between 60K and 80K we'd be redoing the transmission. Cost of doing business.

 

[sdawson]

Especially with those Mopars! Our business owned 5 Chrysler, Dodge, Plymouth minivans over the years. Every one of them needed one (or more) transmission jobs. BUT the "box" was perfect for our needs and the price was right compared to more reliable Japanese minivans. We just figured that between 60K and 80K we'd be redoing the transmission. Cost of doing business.

Minivan transmission went at 160,000 or so for us. Cost for a new one was about 6 months car payment on a new vehicle. I figured if it was good for another two years, it would be worth it. That was 10 years ago..

Yep, just the cost of owning property. Would rather pay what I can today rather than borrow from the future.

 

[Koolau]

^^^^^^^^

Yes, that's a big part of how I got to FIRE. I have tried to share that thinking with family and friends to little avail.

 

[Sue J]

Try to count your blessings. You could have a different problem. You could be married to someone who can't balance the checkbook or pay bills on time, but thinks he can make intelligent investment decisions based on the watercooler talk at work. This creates much more marital conflict and financial insecurity than just having a spouse who is disinterested. Accept that you will be responsible for your family's finances, that you will make the hard decisions, what can be purchased, what cannot. That you will have to give yourself the pats on the back and get your attagirl/boy's on this forum----one that did not exist for me in the 90's back when I had two kids in diapers and was living paycheck to paycheck.

Oh, I absolutely appreciate him!

He always worked and supported the family. He earned a pension that now covers our living expenses. He realizes that without my talents as the family accountant he would just spend it on stuff from thrift stores and ebay. He appreciates what I do to keep him a successful retiree.

I don't need his help with money/finances/taxes, etc. The reason I want him to pay some attention is because one of us is going to die first. If it's me he should have some insight into HIS finances. And he doesn't because he chooses to be completely uninvolved.

I have printed out the essentials for him, accounts, passwords, what comes in and what goes out. He tucked it into a notebook on a shelf. He never looks at a bank account, Vanguard or credit card.

He manages the cash in his pocket and what card to use at the store. Anything beyond that makes him itchy and queasy and he actively avoids it.

 

[jgrdarrash]

Anyone have theories about why a spouse is uninterested in finances? My theory is my spouses parents fought dramatically about finances so he doesn't want to even talk about them. Other theories?

 

[Lsbcal]

Anyone have theories about why a spouse is uninterested in finances? My theory is my spouses parents fought dramatically about finances so he doesn't want to even talk about them. Other theories?

Could it be because you have done such a good job that you have been hired for life?

 

[Purslane]

Anyone have theories about why a spouse is uninterested in finances? My theory is my spouses parents fought dramatically about finances so he doesn't want to even talk about them. Other theories?

Head in the sand? Has not needed to participate to date and can't face a mortality discussion? Acknowledging the elephant in the room could make it come alive? Has a secret stash somewhere and will be fine no matter what??

 

[Sue J]

Anyone have theories about why a spouse is uninterested in finances? My theory is my spouses parents fought dramatically about finances so he doesn't want to even talk about them. Other theories?

We met at 16 in an 11th grade Algebra class. I got an A and he flunked. We've been together ever since. Opposites attract?

Income vs expenses, taxes, bank accounts, cash flow, investments, just being aware of your own financial situation...these things just don't apply to him. I'm fine taking care of everything, I just enjoy it. I'm detailed and document everything. But I could have a gambling addiction or a second family and he'd never know!

We talk often about the aging thing. One of us is going to go first. I've showed both of our sons (38 and 40) the basic cash flow so they can help DH if needed. So much happens automatically that he could go a few months without having to do anything. He'll figure it out if he has to.

 

[Closet_Gamer]

I have printed out the essentials for him, accounts, passwords, what comes in and what goes out. He tucked it into a notebook on a shelf. He never looks at a bank account, Vanguard or credit card

FWIW, I actually wrote out the plan for DW. More than accounts and passwords. The plan.

These assets, these investments, this SWR, this account is for this, that account is for that. I actually drew a picture with the various accounts and how money flows between them over time.

And here is who you should call if you need help.

We’ve reviewed it together and she found it super useful.

 

[Koolau]

Anyone have theories about why a spouse is uninterested in finances? My theory is my spouses parents fought dramatically about finances so he doesn't want to even talk about them. Other theories?

DW looks at finances as simply a tool to be used appropriately. I agree with that concept but I also look at the process and the ends as goals worthy of my best efforts. The "number" itself is a goal.

 

[brett]

Anyone have theories about why a spouse is uninterested in finances? My theory is my spouses parents fought dramatically about finances so he doesn't want to even talk about them. Other theories?

No theory whatsoever.

It happened as a normal division of labor. There are some tasks that my spouse does far better than me and I see no reason to interfere.

There is also the trust issue. I have no doubt that if my spouse did not trust me, thought that I was doing a poor job for us, or suspected that our finances were going pear shaped she would not hesitate to put her oar in.

 

[punkinhead]

Anyone have theories about why a spouse is uninterested in finances?

I don't understand the confusion. I do all the investing and my wife doesn't care beyond knowing we're OK. My wife does all the dealings with insurance. I have no interest in it beyond knowing we have adequate coverage. The same can be said for vehicle maintenance, home maintenance, grocery shopping, sending out birthday cards, or any other task.

 

[Koolau]

I don't understand the confusion. I do all the investing and my wife doesn't care beyond knowing we're OK. My wife does all the dealings with insurance. I have no interest in it beyond knowing we have adequate coverage. The same can be said for vehicle maintenance, home maintenance, grocery shopping, sending out birthday cards, or any other task.

We're a similar household. Division of labor based on capability and interest. Only downside is when one of us passes, the other will need to get up to speed quickly which is why I'm putting together a "book" for DW ("When Ko'olau Kicks" - not the actual title, but...)

 

[kcowan]

We have decided to draft my oldest son into the duty when I begin to experience cognitive decline. I will still be available to coach him for a few years and he and his brother are 50-50 heirs. He will follow our IPS.

 

[Kings over Queens]

We're having a family meeting tonight after dinner. Daughter is in town on a surprise work visit. You know, as they were growing, I always stressed that they would be taken care of if something happened to their mom or me, and now that they are adults, I don't want them shocked if something happens to both of us and they are unprepared for what happens next. I'm agnostic to the size of the numbers, it's more about the education and preparation for me.

 

[jazz4cash]

Anyone have theories about why a spouse is uninterested in finances? My theory is my spouses parents fought dramatically about finances so he doesn't want to even talk about them. Other theories?

I like the cooking analogy. There’s several steps: planning, shopping, preparing, cooking, eating, cleanup, etc. Some folks just wanna eat and others want to be involved with specific steps and may choose to be creative or optimize the process.

 

[dobig]

This place is the only place I can openly discuss finances. It's actually been a life saver for us and completely turned our financial picture around to where we can retire this year at 55.

It would be nice if we could form small retirement clubs from members on here to have monthly chats about finances, strategies, taxes, insurance, etc,. Are there online clubs where this happens?

 

[Kings over Queens]

It would be nice if we could form small retirement clubs from members on here to have monthly chats about finances, strategies, taxes, insurance, etc,. Are there online clubs where this happens?

Mods if mentioning another site violates the rules, then please delete with my apology.

I've read at Bogleheads there are local chapters with meetings, granted, depends on interest and participation. I just attended my first for central NJ.

 

[TheWizard]

Mods if mentioning another site violates the rules, then please delete with my apology.

I've read at Bogleheads there are local chapters with meetings, granted, depends on interest and participation. I just attended my first for central NJ.

Here in the Boston area, we've had quarterly BH gatherings at a public library meeting room for the past five+ years (excepting COVID).
There's a presentation on something followed by discussion...

 

[mebden]

You folks here on the forum are the only ones who I can talk to about things like money and finances. I wish DH was interested but I've accepted that he's not going to change.

I've asked him to take a look at a bank account, or an investment, or a credit card website just to be familiar with things and he won't even do that. Just look and ask a question about a transaction. Nope, not going to happen. Don't you want to know why I moved that chunk of money from there to here? Do you see that deposit? Are you curious about what that is? YOU SHOULD BE!

It's frustrating and sad. We are doing so well and he won't even look. Doesn't want to know.

It's just me and my spreadsheets.

I feel sorry for you Sue and your husband not acknowledging your finances as I've seen where the person like you Sue manages everything, and you have a terrible accident, and he has to figure out what's what and can't and then hires someone to help him with all your accounts and he has no clue that individual is crooked and drains your accounts. Oh, PS the 1 individual that I know had this happened to them the person they asked for help from was a family member and it was quit a situation

 

[mebden]

The lead investor in my former start-up was a bigtime billionaire. No names mentioned, as he's prominent in the news. Guy is an absolutely insufferable jerk... a pathetic excuse for a human being... always surrounded by cohort of servants and sycophants. Definitely not a role model. I'd tell the younger folks in the company: "If you ever reach that level, please never forget from where you came. Even $10B isn't worth losing one's humanity". But they thought that I was just jealous!

Hi Dio I was raised this way from my parents that you treat people like they treat you and it doesn't matter who or how rich they are and to always remember where you came from and show respect for everyone till they act like arsis's to you. LOL

 

[SunGuy]

I used to teach people I worked with when in my first job at 18+, working with people in a fast food style place, sometimes adults my parents age had never started investment accounts, and barely had any savings.

Really sad to see, I wasn't from a well off family, but my family has had good returns from stocks for generations, various professionals, lawyers etc, real estate holdings etc.

I tried my best to convince them to save even 10% of their money for the future. Most of them wanted easy "get rich quick" schemes.

I recall one lady for squandered her money on herself, like weekly nail salon/hair style stuff, constant new clothes and shoes and coffee and donuts and cigarettes and alcohol everyday for 40+ years, she had NOTHING saved. A career cashier in her late 50s. Her husband worked, and they had a few kids. But she spent all of her money on herself. A very selfish and "me first" type of person. [MOD EDIT]

With my own parents and siblings, we share investment ideas, my parents are comfortably retired now with a few million between them.

Not having a mortgage for the last 23 years of their working careers really helped them supercharge their retirement savings.

I am already around $30k ahead of where my mother was in my retirement accounts then she was at my age.

I don't think I will ever get married, but I will be very comfortable once I start adding real estate, once I get to at least 6-8 duplexes or two apartment buildings or one big one, that can provide at least $8k a month cashflow I will retire.

 

[Flieger]

Sometimes I/we forget, almost 40% of people have zero money in the stock market. Nothing in a Roth and zero in their 401K. So, almost half the people you meet don't want to talk about finance in any way, shape or form.

Yes. But this is what I am trying to avoid for my DD's by discussing finances with them!

For one of them it has worked out well (started at 15% contribution from day1 of her first job following college), for the other it has been a longer rode, but finally got her to start! A year later, she has come back to me and said "sorry I was accusing you of "being in my business" about this, wish I had listened earlier". Sad, but good to hear as I think she will work hard to make it up.

As another note, she and her older sister (that started earlier) talk about retirement often as I understand it. Makes me feel good and happy.

Flieger

 

[pacergal]

Anyone have theories about why a spouse is uninterested in finances? My theory is my spouses parents fought dramatically about finances so he doesn't want to even talk about them. Other theories?

My DH grew up extremely poor, with a single Mom and 4 siblings. No money, no reason to discuss or know about finances.They could have easily qualified for assistance, but his Mom never applied. Times where there was no heat in the house, nor any food. He remembers twice going to the bank with his Mom to cash her check.
I, on the other hand, had two parents who lived/taught LBYM, giving to charity, saving, budgeting, couponing, etc. I used to sit with my Dad and put the stamps on the envelopes after he wrote the checks for the bills.

From the first day of marriage, I was "in charge" of finances. DH has slowly become more hands on and now at least knows where all of the financial info is, how to access, and how the bills are paid.
And, I have always had a full refrigerator and pantry for him. Food was simply food for me, for him, it was gold.

 

[tulak]

DD texted me a week ago when she realized her last Roth contribution was invested in a MM fund instead of equities.

She wasn’t sure why it wasn’t invested and wanted to check with me. I’m happy to see that she’s paying attention. And DS is way beyond where I was at his age.

We often talked about investing when they were growing up. They’ve always managed their own money, since they were young. They had a monthly allowance that they could spend on anything and I’d pay them 5%/month in interest on their savings (up to 1k max). It seems to have worked.