My family and my wife's family are not alike in any way.
My wife, the oldest of the five chillens, was named the person-in-charge after the second death of a parent. She held a meeting at the house and the children, including my wife, divvied it all up in a nice manner. None of them needed the money or things desperately. They were all successful in carreers and lives in general. For example, the typical interaction was over a family favorite nut roasting pan that had been used at every Thanksgiving since 1621(
). It was all solved nicely. It was 110%, as they say, worthless except for its long family history. In reality, it was a used metal pie plate that was worthless.
My mother stole all of my father's uncle's belonging from his home while he was on his certain-to-be-last visit to a nursing home "because he might give it away." My brother and sister (There are three of us all together) helped to loot the house. I am the oldest and refused to participate, despite my mother telling me that I "wouldn't get anything" because, as I repeatedly stated to them all, to no avail, it was his stuff to give away and he WASN'T DEAD.
My mother passed away later on and my Dad put her ashes, which were in a paint can, on the mantel with her name facing the wall. I stated to my brother and sister clearly, in unmistakable terms that I wanted to be there for the scattering of the ashes, however they did it. Then my father passed away. His ashed were placed in another paint can on the mantel and the names were facing out. I again stated to my brother and sister in clear terms and easily understood words and made them acknowledge that they understood, that I wanted to be present for any ashes disposal. My sister wanted nothing from the estate. My brother took all the valuable things and all the stuff he wanted the week of my Dad's death. I didn't want anything from my parent's house estate because my father had gotten rid of all the stuff that reminded him of my mother including a large Delft collection that only my wife would have liked. I got a garden nymph cement statue that is about 4 feet tall. It was the only thing I wanted. There were two but my brother took the good one and left the one that was cracked. The day my wife and I drove the 280 miles to my parent's house (All my other relatives lived in the area) to pick up the statue I restated my desires wrt the ashes disposal.
Two years later I asked about what we were going to do about the ashes and was told that "Oh, we dumped them in the ocean last year." I said but, but. My sister said "Oh, we figgered that you weren't interested."
My family is composed of extremely emotional, much smarter than average people. Any intelligence is completely overwhelmed by emotional and hate-filled "thinking." I had been blessed with the childhood onset of a chronic disease that exposed me to the clear difference between what is and what one wants it to be. I learned to separate emotional responses from logical responses to an unusual, and often disconcerting to others, degree. When I was 42 my father told me that I was a "reflective child." I was an oddball in my family in that I made logical choices. They couldn't understand my "thinking."
My wife always says "I can't believe that you came from that family."
Just to be clear, and remember that it's my own assessment of me, I still have immediate and emotional responses and bitch and moan all the time and make outrageously emotional statements but I can separate that viewpoint from the logical response and usually make a clearly logical decision. When I do allow my emotions to cloud my thinking, I think I'm aware of it and it clearly is worth it and the emotional decision is, in total, better for me. Don't forget, this is looking at myself in the mirror so everything I do is just perfect!
I have expected nothing from my family and have been granted that many times over.
Almost as soon as we married, I became a part of my wife's family and was welcomed and treated well. My wife's parents treated me, and her, which is the remarkable part, with tons of respect. I am always astonished when I think about how my wife's parents respected her, and me, and accepted her choices which were differed from theirs with the respect usually reserved for outside-of-the-family persons.
My in-laws were very nice to both of us. My parents were very good to my wife and not so much to me. It's all in the emotions.
Mike D.
