Father of the bride...Help!

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Stormy Kromer

Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
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OK. I have a question for the brain trust group of friends here.

DW and I had a small disagreement (fight, argument...) this evening. Our daughter is getting married this summer to a hell of as nice guy, Couldn't be happier. I am at arms length from all wedding planning except the finance part. I pay the bills.

The wedding is a small affair. DW and I have a guest list of 12 people. Total. (we have small families) The total wedding anticipates 250-300 people. No problem, I've got the bill.

Here's where I need your input. Our daughter and her fiance have decided that this is an adult only wedding. Delicately put "NO KIDS." Except for children of the wedding party. Here is where my question comes from. Our daughter has one brother (our son) with a 2 year old child and a newborn on the way next month. He is not in the wedding party. His two children are not invited to the wedding. Ages 2 and the other 3 months. He and his wife have to arrange for child care when they go to the wedding. They live 200 miles away. At the same time other children are invited (children of the wedding party, about a dozen of them on the groom's side, it is a large family and only half of their kids are invited.) That said, half of their kids aren't invited either, but about 250 guests are going to be there. But about 10 of them will be there. Ages 10 and under. I am upset, I think our grand children should be invited. My wife says "Its our daughter's wedding! It's all up to her!"
I also think all of the other little cousins on the other side should be invited too. We have 2 grandchildren, the other side has 25. They don't want them all there. Just the 10 mentioned above.

I am paying the bills as father of the bride, but am told to keep my mouth shut during the whole planning. I am a chump.

I am going to figure out how to bring my two grand daughters there. I've threatened to stay home and babysit them during the wedding, that didn't go well.

Just because the other family has 25 grandchildren that they don't want at the wedding, we are expected to leave our 2 home.

I would like to hear any suggestions please.....I feel awful that my grand daughters can't go to the only family wedding we'll ever have while 250 other guests will be there.
 
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Wow, that is a tough one. It is their wedding and if they don't want kids or want to limit kids then that is their choice and I think you should respect their wishes.

OTOH, it does indeed seem strange for the bride to exclude her nieces, but at the same time ages 2 and 3 months are very young to attend a wedding. (Our DGS is 2+9 months and DGD is 9 months, so I totally get it).

What I suggest is that your son and his family travel to the wedding with their two kids and that you arrange for a babysitter for your grandchildren for the period of the wedding and the reception. Or alternatively if your son and his wife have a trusted babysitter they could bring the babysitter with them. That way you, your DW, DS and DDIL can enjoy the festivities AND enjoy your DGDs as well.

Plus, the kids will probably be more comfortable and have more fun with a babysitter and their own toys than at a wedding. Also, kids of those ages typically have routines in terms of naps and feedings that may well not mesh with the timing of the wedding and reception.
 
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pb4uski said:
Wow, that is a tough one. It is their wedding and if they don't want kids or want to limit kids then that is their choice and I think you should respect their wishes.

OTOH, it does indeed seem strange for the bride to exclude her nieces, but at the same time ages 2 and 3 months are very young to attend a wedding. (Our DGS is 2+9 months and DGD is 9 months, so I totally get it).

What I suggest is that your son and his family travel to the wedding with their two kids and that you arrange for a babysitter for your grandchildren for the period of the wedding and the reception. Or alternatively if your son and his wife have a trusted babysitter they could bring the babysitter with them. That way you, your DW, DS and DDIL can enjoy the festivities AND enjoy your DGDs as well.

Plus, the kids will probably be more comfortable and have more fun with a babysitter and their own toys than at a wedding. Also, kids of those ages typically have routines in terms of naps and feedings that may well not mesh with the timing of the wedding and reception.
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Thanks. That is a good idea. I'll suggest it.

We were hoping for a family photo. With everybody. It seems we only see each other at funerals and I think a wedding would be a better opportunity. Trouble is we won't all be there at this wedding. The grandchildren will be home with other family 200 miles away.

Maybe I am wrong, I thought weddings were family events. It seems to me that the 250 guests are coming in first.
 
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Her wedding, her rules..she can pay then as well then IMO.

Wedding party members can bring their kids? How is that an adult-only wedding then?

All kinds of wrong thinking and mixed messaging going on...

One possibility might be to find a kid friendly venue for ALL the kids.

Kids don't want to be at a wedding anyways.

pwf
 
I am confused as to who is the "wedding party". If they have 10 children there, I am with you that your grandkids, the bride's nieces, should be invited. If it is strictly no children, then there should not be the 10 children either. I don't get it. You are paying for the wedding. I think you need to sit down with your daughter and talk through this. I would not pay for the party if the other 10 children are allowed to attend but not your 2 grandchildren.
 
I had a niece who had kids show up.... and it became a disaster...

The other side of the family had some 5ish kids... who were making all kind of noises... I was trying to keep them quiet... was stared down and later told I should have butted out...

BUT, the kids actually walked up to the bride and groom during the ceremony... years later when they looked back at their video they have changed their tune and said that I was trying to do a good thing for them..

It is up to your DD... as others have mentioned I would exclude any aged kid that cannot control themselves... do not know if that is 16 as mentioned or down to 12 ish...
 
If I'm paying for things, and I am being told my grandkids can't come to what I'm paying for, sorry I'm not going for it.

Don't ask for my money then tell me how it's going to be.

You're welcome to do things your way.
 
Most people agree not to have kids at the wedding ceremony. The reception on the other hand...everyone is loud and partying.

I understand where she is coming from. Kids can be unpredictable. Parents can try their hardest to keep them quiet but that can change at any second. Also, to have 30+ kids at a wedding is going to be a disaster. If I were her I would have no kids no exception.

It is odd 10 kids are going. Do they have some role in the wedding ceremony? It doesn't really make sense if those kids are allowed to attend just because their parents are in wedding party.
 
Just came back from a wedding last week. Young children (8 months to 4 years old) in attendance. Wasn't pretty. Lots of crying, screaming and running around during the actual ceremony. Very distracting.

Reception got extremely loud during music/dancing time. I mean rock concert LOUD which has been the case in the past few weddings I've been to. I bring ear plugs.

Kids weren't happy, parents weren't happy, other guests wondering why these little ones were being subjected to the noise. Parents wanted to stay and have fun but had to leave because the kids were so unhappy.

Bad scene.
 
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Your money, your rules. She can tweak the rules however she wants just so your grand children are there. It sounds like the rules have already been adjusted to appease someone else with kids who said no way.

You have all the leverage, but applying that leverage will make you unpopular. Only you can decide if you can handle being unpopular in this situation.
 
How close are your children to each other? Have they directly talked about this and are in agreement?
 
Texas Proud said:
The other side of the family had some 5ish kids... who were making all kind of noises... I was trying to keep them quiet... was stared down and later told I should have butted out...

BUT, the kids actually walked up to the bride and groom during the ceremony... years later when they looked back at their video they have changed their tune and said that I was trying to do a good thing for them..
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That's just plain bad parenting. I've been to two church weddings- one with DS when he was little, one with DGD, both weddings where it was OK to bring kids- where the little one got restless when that happened we took him/her out of the church. Yes, an adult missed part of the ceremony but better that wrecking it for everyone else. I can see why some weddings specify "no kids" and I've gotten a local babysitter a couple of times when DS was little when attending a "no-kids" out-of-town wedding.

OP is in a tough position. He/she said the grandkids were likely to stay home 200 miles away but if they came with the parents and got a sitter for the ceremony and reception, could they be brought in for the picture-taking?
 
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gutterman said:
Your money, your rules. She can tweak the rules however she wants just so your grand children are there. It sounds like the rules have already been adjusted to appease someone else with kids who said no way.

You have all the leverage, but applying that leverage will make you unpopular. Only you can decide if you can handle being unpopular in this situation.
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Wow! Surprised at responses like this. If I had this^ attitude with my DD when she got married three years ago, she would most likely not be speaking to me. And she would be right. Money with strings attached. Wow!
 
Agree with your daughter and wife on this one. Though it would be easier if the rule was across the board, and no exception for the wedding party (gonna guess a couple in the party maybe pressured the bride on that?)

But yup, weddings, nice evening dress up events, no place for little kids. They won't have fun anyway, especially under 5. Over 5's will be sitting in the corner on their phones.

Arrange for a nice local babysitter and pay for that if you can.
 
Ronstar said:
My advice is to do as your daughter requests. You may be paying the bills, but it's her wedding and she is the boss. And your wife is on her side.

So just sit back, keep quiet, enjoy yourself, and pay for it.
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Pretty much sums it up.

I do like pb4uski’s suggestion of getting the kids in town for the event and paying someone local to watch them. Then, at least they’d be available to connect with others and possibly be in some of the pictures.
 
No kids...except for certain people? That's not fair.

Why not rent a small banquet/meeting at the same venue and hire a trusted person to watch the kids for the evening?

Parents have peace of mind and can check on their kids during the night. The wedding party can enjoy the event without worrying about their kids for a few hours.

Win/win for everyone.
 
First, don't make threats that you can't back up (staying home and babysitting).

Second, I wouldn't use payment as leverage. What I would do is to let your daughter own the decision on the way she is applying her rules. Stay quiet and let her take the heat. Maybe she will change her mind. Maybe she won't.
 
Music Lover said:
No kids...except for certain people? That's not fair.

Why not rent a small banquet/meeting at the same venue and hire a trusted person to watch the kids for the evening?

Parents have peace of mind and can check on their kids during the night. The wedding party can enjoy the event without worrying about their kids for a few hours.

Win/win for everyone.
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Guarantee that one of the parents pops out to "check" then brings their kid into the event, and then more do. Sure, keep them all together, but not at the same venue.
 
Let it go! Our only daughter got married a couple years ago and she had some rules that I did not agree with including Dad AND Mom will walk me down the aisle! (Only child, remember). I was livid for many months. But in the end, no matter the disagreements along the way, a wedding done her way, is your goal. 1,000 good memories drowned out a few ‘little’ issues. The kids these days are all Googling and talking to their peers so sit back and let it roll. The whole event will be special for all. And I guess it is common these days to ban cameras. I did not know that and did not agree, but the wedding photographer, whom I was paying a fortune for, confirmed it. Otherwise, you end up with professional photos of everyone holding up their phones as she walks down the aisle (maybe that explains the no kids rule!). Get a drink and focus on your speech (she wanted sentimental, I wanted humorous - I did it my way! Ha!)
 
oscar1 said:
Let it go! Our only daughter got married a couple years ago and she had some rules that I did not agree with including Dad AND Mom will walk me down the aisle! (Only child, remember). I was livid for many months. But in the end, no matter the disagreements along the way, a wedding done her way, is your goal. 1,000 good memories drowned out a few ‘little’ issues. The kids these days are all Googling and talking to their peers so sit back and let it roll. The whole event will be special for all. And I guess it is common these days to ban cameras. I did not know that and did not agree, but the wedding photographer, whom I was paying a fortune for, confirmed it. Otherwise, you end up with professional photos of everyone holding up their phones as she walks down the aisle (maybe that explains the no kids rule!). Get a drink and focus on your speech (she wanted sentimental, I wanted humorous - I did it my way! Ha!)
Click to expand...
Btw, I got a little lucky in that she picked a ranch outdoor venue that only had parking for 60 cars so the invite list was effectively “capped”. Gave us the ability to save some face with telling some relatives sorry, no kids.
 
I think it is an interesting request, but I would also just go with her wants. It is what it is at the end of the day it won't matter one way or the othah.
 
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