Father of the bride...Help!

[Stormy Kromer]

My son and daughter in law are hurt. I should have mentioned this at the beginning.

 

[HFWR]

You mention your wedding and your now ex wife ? Any other marriage advice on weddings?

Don’t?

I’m probably not the guy to get relationship advice from, but sometimes letting it go is the right thing. YMMV

Back to OP, I hope things get worked out satisfactorily. I understand wanting the grandkids there, though, harking back on when I had young ones, I think it would have been less stressful on all participants if we’d just decided to not do things that we knew would inevitably result in kids being kids, and adults being upset. Of course, my kids were not the quiet, timid type. More like little tornadoes. Perhaps your grandkids don’t fit that description.

Anyway, breathe, and enjoy the day.

 

[Taco]

My son and daughter in law are hurt. I should have mentioned this at the beginning.

And that’s understandable, since the “No kids” rule isn’t applied equally.

Is your daughter aware that your son’s family are hurt by being second class citizens at this affair?

This is one reason I like elopements, followed by a casual party to celebrate.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

It is odd that the rules are “No kids”, but then those rules aren’t applied to everyone equally.

But with ages of 2 and newborn, your grandkids will have no recollection of the event. YOU will be missing out on having them there, but they won’t miss a thing.

My son and his wife are deeply hurt that their children are not invited while 10 other nieces and nephews on the grooms side are invited. I am sorry for sounding selfish for wanting my two grand daughters to be at a once in a life time family event while 250 others are there. The grooms parents have many of their 25 grand children there.

I'm done whining. When DW and I got married we had 11 guests. DW tells me that was 9 too many.....you can't keep everyone happy. Not even me.

Thanks everyone. Good night. Over and out.

 

[RunningBum]

I'm sorry I upset you. I won't post anymore in this thread.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

I'm sorry I upset you. I won't post anymore in this thread.

I apologize. I was out of line. Please no hard feelings. The internet is too easy for loose talk when frustrated. I like my friends here and apologize for things I would not say in person.

I respect everyone here and enjoy our ability to visit so constructively.

Thank you.

 

[pb4uski]

OP here. All I wanted was to have a chance to see my wife, our two children and their spouses and two grandchildren together at the same place and time. I thought our daughter's wedding would be a good opportunity. We can't even get a family photo because the grand children aren't invited. ...

I'm missing something here. I can understand your DD not wanting little kids at the wedding and reception. BTW, I don't agree and we wouldn't do that in our family, but I can understand it. And while it seems that your DD is being hypocritical by allowing kids of the wedding party to attend and not her own nieces, it is hard to critique without more information like the ages of those kids.

Anyway, that's all irrelevant. Why can't your granddaughters travel with their parents to the wedding but just not attend the wedding or the reception and stay with a baby sitter but be there so you can all get together and get that family photo?

I think if you open your mind to possibilities that you can get the family time and pictures that you want and your daughter can get the wedding that she wants.

Some asides. Does the bride see the nieces very often? Are they close?

 

[jollystomper]

My son and daughter in law are hurt. I should have mentioned this at the beginning.

I understand. But I had posted earlier if this is a discussion your daughter had directly with your son, or if it being passed through you. It is not clear if there is any closeness between your son and daughter. From what is posted - and I can be wrong - there seems to be some friction between your daughter and son that would cause her to not make an exception for your grandkids.

An honestly, if this "hell of a nice guy" your daughter is marrying is fine with excluding his soon-to-be-nieces and nephews completely... I would rethink how nice a person he is.

Two of my siblings had "no kids" weddings... *but* we are close, and all of the nieces and nephews were invited (and attended), and were held in places where it was easy to take the kids away during the ceremony. No one cared about the kids being at the reception, and everyone understood that the kids were part of the family (and actually would have been surprised if they were *not* there).

 

[Koolau]

Now for a perspective on how "bad" things can be. DW's mom and dad didn't kick in so much as a dime for her wedding. BUT they (MIL, really) wanted to dictate stuff about the wedding (where, when, guest list, refreshments, etc.). We told them NO. It's their daughter's wedding and will be done HER way. They told us they weren't coming! Eventually, they relented which, as far as I was concerned, was kind of a disappointment, but I was glad for DW. Her dad gave her away and all was well, but it was a tense several months before the wedding.

Now, what were we talking about? (Sorry, didn't mean to hijack. - Sort of a "count your blessings" moment, I guess.)

Returning you now...

 

[ponyboy]

At the end of the day everyone. Your family will be there for you. I feel like I am letting my grandchildren down missing out on a family event where they'll never see everyone together at the same place and time again.

You're letting a 2 year old and newborn down by not fighting to have them in attendance? Here's the part where I dip out.

 

[marko]

OP here. All I wanted was to have a chance to see my wife, our two children and their spouses and two grandchildren together at the same place and time. I thought our daughter's wedding would be a good opportunity.

So is this mostly about a chance to have everybody together in one place? Take some photos for posterity?

Why not: spend a few more bucks--you're already in the hole--and have a gathering either a day or two before or after the wedding at a restaurant that has a private room? Most recent weddings I've been to of late stretch out for 2, 3 or four days of celebration. Sort of an extended rehearsal dinner thing. Get everyone in one place before they head home in a more relaxed and less stressful environment, take 300 pictures and everybody wins.

The wedding I went to last week had a breakfast brunch at a hotel private room the morning after the wedding and it was great. Bride and groom showed up, everyone was casual and relaxed (and a bit hung over) all the pressure was off. About 30 of the 300 were there...a nice easy closure. Her dad picked up the tab.

 

[target2019]

Your family dynamics are yours. There's an opportunity to guide them for the future.

We had a similar one-sided count. There were no grandchildren to be an issue, and no children at all. I do know I would have something strong to say to my wife and children if my feelings developed as yours have. That's just me, though.

 

[Gremlin]

Stormy, I’m sorry this situation cropped up. I think having a separate family get together for photos would be the compromise I would settle for, as several posters have suggested. This would allow for a more relaxed atmosphere, I think, for those family photos to be taken.

I won’t give my opinion on what should or shouldn’t happen, as it’s not my family and not my business. Except I will add, I wish someone would have told me 36 years ago that “it’s the bride’s day” because I wanted to elope but my DH insisted we have a wedding!

Good luck to you!

 

[sheehs1]

My son and daughter in law are hurt. I should have mentioned this at the beginning.

It's understandable they would be hurt with the rules being applied somewhat differently for the two sides of the bride and groom. Your feelings are also understandable since you are paying for the wedding and it is your grandchildren (young or not) that are not included. I understand no babies at the ceremony because I made this rule at my daughter's wedding (that I paid for). My future son-in-law called me wanting his 2 month old nephew at the wedding. I told him I didn't want a crying baby to disrupt the vows for them or the guests. So we came up with a plan, that as soon as baby cried, the brides mother holding the baby would exit the ceremony immediately, and that is exactly what happened. All children were allowed at the reception. I hope you are able to get a resolution that works for you, your family and son.

 

[TickTock]

I don't agree with the "It's the father of the bride's duty to pay and grit his teeth" idea. Would it be okay for the parents to pay for the wedding if the daughter's rule was that they could not attend? If not, then we're just disagreeing on where the line should be drawn - and reasonable people can disagree on that.

 

[MarieIG]

I would tell your daughter EXACTLY how you feel. Not in a rude or threatening manner, but I'm not a fan of the "shut up and pay" premise. You are a father and a grandfather. Presumably you're not choosing the dress, the decor, the music, the ceremony or the cake so it's not like your taking over the affair. And - your son and DDIL's feelings do count - as do yours- and your daughter should be aware of that.

In the weddings in my family, where the parents paid they certainly had some input in the inviting of certain guests. I don't know the time and/or venue, so it's a bit hard to address logistics - but I recall at a relative's wedding - a grandmother came with one of the couples (on the other side of the family) so as to have the ability to watch /remove the children as necessary. There is a big difference in a small child and baby making a shortish appearance and staying throughout the affair, which would probably be too much for them.

 

[Koolau]

We told our daughter that she was receiving $XYZ for her wedding. She could do with it as she pleased. She could spend whatever she wanted to as long as it came in under $XYZ OR she had to come up with the rest. Also, she could spend it on a down payment for a house - her choice.

As far as the details of the wedding, they were up to our daughter.

 

[RetiredHappy]

The culture where I am from, it's the groom family or the couple who would pay for the lavish dinner banquet, usually 200 to 300 hundred people. The bride's parents would ask for X number of tables for their friends and relatives. The wedding gifts (given as money) from these tables are given to the bride's parents. This is to thank the parents for raising their daughter. It is not called a dowry as in some culture but just as a thank you gift. When I got married the first time, my husband and I paid for the whole wedding and my parents received the wedding gifts from their relatives and friends. Usually the groom's parents would pay for the banquet. With my 2nd and current marriage, my parents had passed away and we got our marriage license and invited witnesses and friends to a dinner.

 

[HFWR]

So glad my son and his bride eloped to Vegas. For the matter, second wife and I got married in Reno.

 

[pacergal]

OP--re-reading your first post,
Your daughter is not excluding her brothers kids, per se. They have decided no kids for guests. Wedding party kids are able to attend. And your son is not in the wedding party.
I have seen this before, it is a curtesy to your wedding party to include their spouse/kids.

I am sorry this is causing angst among you. I would imagine your daughter does feel some pain also, to have her brother upset. I hope you are all able to find a way to have some lovely family time with everyone before the wedding and get some desired family photos. And then go enjoy and celebrate your daughter's wedding, embracing your new son in law, whom it sounds like you greatly approve of.

 

[ivinsfan]

How big is the wedding party? Since your DD has only one sibling it seems odd he wasn't included in the wedding party. After reading the thread to put it simply, the groom has brothers and sisters not in the wedding party that have small children which is why it's not simple for her only brother to bring his 2 kids. The kids don't know they are excuded ,so I guess you just have to move on. Try not to take it personally. One of my nephews weddings had an awkward moment,his Moms side of the family is scattered and almost never gets together so they had a photo session with the bride and groom. His Dad's side of the family is 6 Aunts and Uncles who had been at every big and small occasion in his life. No photo session for us...we got left waiting at the reception. I know it wasn't deliberate but it was awkward. We were literally told, we're going off to take some family pictures ..see ya in a bit..

 

[Aerides]

If DS and his wife are "deeply upset" and conveyed that to you, it might mean there's more of an issue between DS and DD than shared here. It would seem they are not super duper close siblings? I cannot imagine myself going to my parents over a conflict with my sister. I would put on "this is fine" and deal with sister myself, whatever the outcome.

While it does stink that your DD didn't have a blanket rule, a 2 year old and 3 month old have no place in a large wedding - for SURE not the 3 month old. I can't imagine any mom that wants to put a small infant through that. The kids are not going to know or remember, if anything if they did attend they'd find it unpleasant.

 

[SALTedOut]

Not a comment about the wedding but more about not seeing each other often (and I don't know what often means in this context). If y'all only live 200 miles apart it would be easy to get the whole family together multiple times a year. I know this does not fix the wedding situation. Our two DDs live 1,000 and 1,400 miles away, in different directions and we all get together 2-3 times a year. if it was only 200 miles it would probably be 4-6 times a year. Family is too important to let 200 miles get in your way.

 

[1242Vintage]

Rough issue. Sorry for the issue but hearty congrats on the upcoming wedding.

Our son is marrying a wonderful woman next week. Moderate size wedding. 100 people or so. There will be kids there. I believe they have arranged an adjoining space for kids and a parent during the time of the actual ceremony.

At their reception kids are welcome. It’ll be loud at the reception anyway and kids are family too!

 

[SecondAttempt]

Just my opinon... It's your daughter's wedding, if you choose to pay for it, respect her wishes. But your requests are reasonable so talk to her about them.