Funny Joke Thread 2021 to ?

I wandered into the kitchen, looked in the fridge, couldn’t find anything I wanted so went back to the couch. That’s when I realized I got up to go to the bathroom.
 
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Dog Sitting Dilemma

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was in 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart. As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage. Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as to what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone. The spinster explained the problem.

The vet said, "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch."

"Oh," said the spinster, "Do you think that will work?"

"Well," the vet replied, "IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!!"
 
Think you're having a bad day?
 

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A bad day is when I wake up and I don't know it. But not a bad day for me.
 
true and funny

!
 

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Gallagher wielding a hairbrush by his bald pate with the caption:
"Never let your Mom brush your hair when she's mad at your Dad"

Sledge-O-Matic
 
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Yes, Gallagher was great. I saw him at a small venue. For some reason the organization putting on the show didn't advertise. Just a small sign out front "Tonight: Gallagher." Wait, What? We turned around and went in. Do you mean the Gallagher? Yup. Bought our tickets right away. The place was only about 1/4 full. It was like getting a personal show. Poor guy spent more in the produce section at the store than the show brought in.
 
We had the pleasure of seeing him years ago in NO. Great act, we were in the 3rd row and weren't given the ponchos the first and second row were. Yes we were ducking watermelon all night!
He was one of the few comedians that didn't have to curse repeatedly in a live performance. Unlike Howie Mandel, saw him years ago and every other word was cursing. Quite a few people walked out of his performance.
 
Reasons for everything:
 

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Bob Hope quips from the Tonight Show 12-12-1975
Tough crowds in Chicago, Ciscero
They did not applaud if they liked you but instead they let you live.

During intermission they would reload.
They put tomatos on the end of Yo Yo's so they could hit you twice....
 
Timely humor

.
 

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Ah, parenthood:
 

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When you don't have enough, improvise:
 

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