Funny Joke Thread 2021 to ?

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Plagiarized without shame from a model airplane forum:
 

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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, unfortunately, she just walked in."
 
Not a joke, but a humorous thought I had today: I think the real reason for marriage is to help people from killing themselves as they get older.

Me to Wife: "I just walked in the kitchen and saw that you forgot to turn the stove off (again)."

Wife to Me: "You haven't been 21 for forty years; so, no, you are not going to get the ladder out to go on the roof and clear out the gutters."
 
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
 
An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand.

Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax.

After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags.

Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
 
"Just say No to drugs" -- Slogan

Well, if a guy talks to his drugs, he most likely already said "Yes".
 
Finally! A parking space for fat guys who like to barbeque.
 

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Retiree Clock

New retiree clock
 

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As seen on Bored Panda:

Interviewer: "Can you explain this gap in your resume?"

Applicant: "Yes, that was when I felt joy for the only time in my adult life."
 
As seen on Bored Panda:

Interviewer: "Can you explain this gap in your resume?"

Applicant: "Yes, that was when I felt joy for the only time in my adult life."

:LOL: That one made me chuckle!
 
As seen on Bored Panda:

Interviewer: "Can you explain this gap in your resume?"

Applicant: "Yes, that was when I felt joy for the only time in my adult life."

That's the way I felt today after receiving the letter from the IRS cancelling the $15,000 penalty I was assessed for the missing tax return that I actually filed in 2017. ;)
 
For puzzle enthusiasts:
 

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That's what they said but I don't think that's what they meant:
 

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Moral: If you are making a "Run for the Border" be sure to look both ways before crossing the street:
 

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Sign in a motorcycle shop:
 

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I'm so confused....
 

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