Funny Joke Thread 2021 to ?

[Walt34]

Time to start exercising off that holiday fat:

 

[Walt34]

Cookies? What cookies?

 

[REWahoo]

Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my beer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive.

It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

 

[aja8888]

Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my beer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive.

It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

Thank You! (passed along to my ROMEO group for their consideration).

 

[Qs Laptop]

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my beer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive.

What about your joint?

 

[travelover]

What about your joint?

State specific.

 

[CardsFan]

What about your joint?

Hip or knee?

 

[Walt34]

One valid reason for late mail:

 

[Walt34]

One must have priorities:

 

[Music Lover]

 

[CardsFan]

View attachment 41110

Just happened today. I heard Mike Nesmith (Monkees) passed and read the bio. The song "Joanne" has been singing in my mind ever since.

 

[Music Lover]

 

[Walt34]

Dental work coming right up...

 

[eytonxav]

I can relate to some of these, well maybe most of these:

My bucket list: keep breathing

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, "Close enough"

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Retirement to-do list: Wake up. Nailed it!

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

I don't have grey hair. I have wisdom-highlights.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.

My heart says chocolate, but my jeans say, please, please, please eat a salad!

Never laugh at your spouse's choices. You are one of them.

One minute you're young and fun. The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it's a beautiful day.

Some people you're glad to see coming; some people you're glad to see going

My body is a temple; ancient and crumbling.

Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone else who doesn't have it.

I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing.

Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on

If you can't think of a word say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as "going out". (Not kidding about that!)

I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event!!

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Well....really it was just one big round crouton, covered with tomato sauce and cheese. I mean....FINE, it was a pizza....OK, I ate a pizza!
Are you happy now?

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It's weird being the same age as old people!

Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter either.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember... Don't sing!

I see people about my age mountain climbing; Whereas, I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance!!

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

[Walt34]

Holiday stories:

 

[Running_Man]

In 2019 after the Peru Earthquake a German conglomerate was hosting a disaster recovery planning session for all it's foreign affiliates and the perfectionist IT VP Kurt asked for all of their disaster recovery plans for an earthquake. "Can't you just share yours with us?", asked Leonard the VP of IT for the USA?

"We have no need of one" Kurt said proudly. "Why not?" asked Leonard.

"Because Germans have no faults!" replied Kurt

 

[Davidhelp]

Rush Limbaugh: Some TV newscasts can be momentarily mistaken for Victoria’s Secret specials. In an apparent attempt to capture channel-surfing male viewers, stations have hired attractive female anchors, often outfitting them in attire that emphasizes their sexuality." These guys watch but they couldn't tell you what was just reported.

I'll tell you when I first noticed this. I lived in Kansas City back in the seventies and one local station there went out and made a big deal out of some new weather girl that they had hired, and I gotta tell you, when this woman stood on the East Coast and faced the West Coast, the first state you saw was Missouri.

 

[Qs Laptop]

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

 

[Walt34]

Warning to seat-kickers:

 

[Qs Laptop]

I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

 

[Silver]

I enjoyed these one liners, some about aging. Number 1 made me laugh out loud.

1. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

2. Age 50 may be the new 30, but 9:00PM is the new midnight.

3. It's the start of a new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

4. When I say "The other day..." I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

5. I remember being able to get up from a chair without making sound effects.

6. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

7. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

8. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing", it does not mean I am free. It means I'm doing nothing.

9. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

10. I run like the winded.

11. I hate when a couple argues in public and I miss the beginning. I don't know whose side I'm on.

12. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, 'Why? What did you hear?"

13. I don't mean to interrupt people. That's rude. But I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

14. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east".

15. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you out.

16. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call these people police officers.

 

[RunningBum]

8. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing", it does not mean I am free. It means I'm doing nothing.

This one is perfect. And funny, but also perfect, at least for me.

 

[Sojourner]

Interviewer: "Now that we've discussed your strengths, tell me about one of your weaknesses."

Me: "Well, I am honest to a fault. Brutally honest, in fact."

Interviewer: "I don't think being honest is a weakness."

Me: "I don't give a damn what you think!"

 

[Qs Laptop]

1. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

I've been saying for years some beer company should come out with a new brew and name it "Responsibly".

Think of the marketing slogans.

 

[braumeister]

I've been saying for years some beer company should come out with a new brew and name it "Responsibly".

Think of the marketing slogans.

It's been done, more than once.
For example:
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6371977/Beer-called-Responsibly-devised-wacky-entrepreneur-Shed-Simove.html