Funny Joke Thread 2021 to ?

Easy transition:
 

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Heard that when a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid she becomes a Def Leopard
 
It is too young to die.

Procrastination is totally a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

You’d be surprised how many problems will fix themselves if you just walk away and leave them alone.
 
Procrastination is totally a good thing. You always have something to do tomorrow, plus you have nothing to do today.

You’d be surprised how many problems will fix themselves if you just walk away and leave them alone.

The above not a joke, it's my lifestyle since retiring. And I am probably not alone here. :cool:
 
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.
The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
 
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
 
Long, but worthy

Do any of these one-liners ring a bell?

"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde

"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for." - Will Rogers

"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir

"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller

"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller

"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns

"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg

“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings, and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash

"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns

“I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." – Unknown

"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton

"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns

"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." – Unknown

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin

"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope

"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer

"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." – Anonymous

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only must remember it.” - George Burns

“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier

"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien

"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie

"You know you are getting old when everything hurts; and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain

"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett

"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg

"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings

"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns

"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
 
Apparently a job well done.
 

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Wife [who turns 60 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 50's.

Me: Is it, though?

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: Did I just...?

Wife: Blow your last chance? Yep.
 
I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only so many years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew.

I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne.

Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment, now it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. AND GET IT.

At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
 
Friends with Benefits

Sorry, when you said friends with benefits I thought you were talking about a liquor store :cool:
 
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