Funny Joke Thread 2021 to ?

eHarmony matched me up with Jack Daniels.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
 
Some grieving!
 

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Dolly Parton is taller lying on her back than standing up.

I've been feeling a little moody and run down lately.
So I searched online my symptoms to see what I might have.
It's kids. I have kids...
 
My Wife's Favorite Joke

A man decides to retire and move to Florida. Alas, he knows no one there and has made no friends. One day he is sitting on a park bench looking rather despondent when a stranger comes up to him and asks him what's wrong.

Man: "I moved here but I can't seem to make any friends."

Stranger: "I have just the thing for you. Go out and buy a camel and a clown suit. Every day at noon, put on the clown suit and ride down Main Street on the camel. You'll have plenty of friends before you know it."

Man: "Do you really think that will work?"

Stranger: "I guarantee it."

So the man goes out and buys a camel and a clown suit and every day rides down Main Street at noon. Sure enough he quickly has people talking to him and he makes new friends.

Alas, one day his camel was stolen. So he went down to the police station to file a report.

Man: "Someone stole my camel."

Cop: "I see. How big was the camel?"

Man: "I don't know. Camel size."

Cop: "All right. How about the color? What color was the camel?"

Man: "Not sure how to describe it. It was camel colored"

Cop: "I see. I'm going to need you to be more specific. Was it male or female?"

Man: "Definitely male."

Cop: "You're sure?"

Man: "Yes, because every day when I rode down the street people would point and say 'Look at the schmuck on that camel!'"
 
I tried to donate blood today. I'm never going to do that again!
Too many intrusive questions and they got downright rude about it:

"Whose blood is it?"

"Where did you get it?"

"Why is it in a bucket?"
 
Why I Got Divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out he barely said good morning let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought, well, that's marriage for you, but the kids, they will remember. My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So, when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, “Good Morning, lady, and by the way, Happy Birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, then Rick knocked on my door and said, “You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?”

I said, “Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!”

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. Instead, he chose a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office Rick said, “You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”

He said, “let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.”

After arriving at his house Rick turned to me and said, "If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.”'

“Ok,” I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday!'

And I just sat there.

On the couch.

Naked.
 
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finance, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently.' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered.... 'Is that one word or two?'
 
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finance, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently.' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered.... 'Is that one word or two?'

Very good....passed along to my group of old guys. :D
 
The King wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.

The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the King and the Queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm."

The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the King continued on his way.

However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the King hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential places.
The practice is unbroken to this day.
 
My Living Will

Last night my kids and grandkids were over and I said to them, "I never want to live in some vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."

My daughter got up, unplugged the computer, and poured out my wine.
 
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy explains, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So, I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though.”
 
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside, and asked,"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy."

"Do you understand what matters are whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him a jerk. Do you understand all that?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a stupid decision or that the coach is a butt head is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good!", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!”
 
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, and happily jumping on her bed squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think, I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 56-year old ass?"

Not missing a beat she replied, "Your name never came up."
 
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, and happily jumping on her bed squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think, I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 56-year old ass?"

Not missing a beat she replied, "Your name never came up."

LOL!! :LOL:
 
A pumpkin bordello

The mind of someone who think up this stuff.....
 

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Decades ago when I was on an airline flight I asked to be moved to a different seat because I was seated next to a constantly crying baby.

That's when I found out that this is not allowed when the baby is yours.
 
A Queen Elizabeth tale

A Queen Elizabeth tale

We’ll always remember her sense of humor and that beautiful smile:

I was on Guard of Honour, waiting for the King of Saudi Arabia, on Horseguards.

On the right flank; Scots Guard (100 guardsmen) a gap, HM The Queen, mounted in uniform; alongside her the CO, Colonel Gerald, another gap, then on the left flank, the Queen’s Company Grenadier Guards (100 guardsmen).

We’re stood at ease waiting.

Suddenly the silence was broken by Colonel Gerald’s charger erupting with horse farts at full volume for two minutes.

Embarrassed and staring straight ahead Colonel Gerald says, “Sorry about that your Majesty!”

She replies, in a wonderful voice, “That’s alright Gerald, . . . I thought it was your horse!”

200 guardsmen silently cried with laughter, and tapped their rifle butts on the gravel.

From that moment, every man there adored her!
 
A 70-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and as sharp as a tack.

“How do you stay in such great physical and mental condition?”

“I'm Italian and I’m a golfer,” says Frank, “and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, head to the topless beach and all is well.”

“OK”, says the doctor, “I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?”

"Who said he was dead?"

The doctor is amazed. “You mean you're 70 years old and your father's still alive. How old is he?'

“He's 88 years old,” says Frank. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.”

“Well,' the doctor says, “that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?”

“My grandfather? Who said my grandfather's dead?”

Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you're 70 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?”

“He's 106 years old,” says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”

“No, no, he couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today to a lady he picked up at the topless beach a few months ago and started dating.”

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married? Why would a 106 year-old guy want to get married?”

“Who said he wanted to?”
 
I finally did it!

I got memory foam inserts for my sneakers.

No more walking into the kitchen and forgetting what I'm in there for.
 
Stolen from another site but some days are like that.


Wife: Did you do anything on the to-do list?

Me: No, but I also didn't add anything new to it.

Wife: So you broke even?

Me: I call that progress.
 
A man in Melbourne, Australia walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy half a head of cabbage." Just as he finished his sentence, he turned around to find the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from son?”

“New Zealand, sir" the boy replied.

“Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

"Sir, only prostitutes and rugby players live there.”

“Is that right?” replied the manager. “My wife is from New Zealand!”

"Really?” replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
 
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