Getting aging parent to spend money when they have more than enough?

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momoney

Recycles dryer sheets
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My mom complains about where she lives and thinks she wants to move to independent living. That sounds like a great idea to me. It seems like a great quality of life upgrade. Then when we get serious about finding a place and the conversation changes to how expensive it will be and how hard it will be to move. She is blessed with having plenty of money but cursed with extreme frugalness. She currently lives in a nice place but otherwise lives at the poverty level using only her social security. The older she gets the worse the frugalness gets. She won't spend money on herself or anyone else.

She likes her broker, but I've never talked to him. Not sure if it's even allowed by law? I think he could persuade her to spend money.

How do you get an ultra-frugal person to spend money to improve their life?
 
I'm not sure it's anyone else's business how we old folks spend our money.
At age 75, I spend plenty of money and could spend quite a bit more, but that's my decision on what to do.

Now if this "mom" is living in a decrepit situation with no heat, no electricity, no plumbing or whatever, then there are likely social services available to help deal with the situation.
But I didn't see that in the OP...
 
I would copy and paste this in Perplexity.ai. Good suggestions when I posted it there. Too long and against rules to share the entire reply. I will attempt to sum it up. The best approach is to acknowledge her concerns.If you can show that independent living can actually save money by combining housing, meals, and maintenance into one predictable cost it might change her mind. If she’s open to it have her broker confirm she can easily afford it. Perhaps hearing that from the broker could make a difference. Framing the move as a smart way to preserve independence and enjoy life, rather than a splurge may help her see it as a wise use of her resources.
We had a neighbor who was widowed for many years and was tired of cooking for himself and probably living alone. He moved to an independent living place where he had a private room with a bathroom. We visited him a few times and he loved the place. He really enjoyed dining with everyone and all the activities they provided. It was probably the best move he could have made for himself and his children who worried about him living alone as he aged.
 
momoney said:
How do you get an ultra-frugal person to spend money to improve their life?
Click to expand...
Good luck... Poor gets ingrained. My mom and dad both born during the depression died as millionaires, living like they were on welfare and in a dump (IMO). Nothing I did could change that.
 
RetiredHappy said:
:) I will up you one on this, I spend on MYSELF as well as gifting to my son.
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I guess that's the goal. I'm getting better about spending on myself but have a way to go on it. I STILL think beyond "I can afford it" and am still stuck on "Is it a good value?"

For instance, we have been using "economy plus" seating when flying but NOT Business or First Class - even though we could "afford it." Eco + seems the "sweet spot" of value for the dollar. Can't seem to get past that. YMMV
 
Koolau said:
I guess that's the goal. I'm getting better about spending on myself but have a way to go on it. I STILL think beyond "I can afford it" and am still stuck on "Is it a good value?"

For instance, we have been using "economy plus" seating when flying but NOT Business or First Class - even though we could "afford it." Eco + seems the "sweet spot" of value for the dollar. Can't seem to get past that. YMMV
Click to expand...
That's what I'm doing also.
As someone once said: "baby steps"...
 
momoney said:
I don


This is what she wants.

Independent Living​


Best for: People who can live on their own but want convenience, safety, and community.
Click to expand...
Fine.
I know someone in a facility with a one BR apartment that has three meals a day included in the dining room downstairs.
The apartment itself has a motel-like kitchenette with a microwave, mini fridge, and mini sink.

You'd have to shoot me before I'd go into a place like that before age 95...
 
TheWizard said:
Fine.
I know someone in a facility with a one BR apartment that has three meals a day included in the dining room downstairs.
The apartment itself has a motel-like kitchenette with a microwave, mini fridge, and mini sink.

You'd have to shoot me before I'd go into a place like that before age 95...
Click to expand...
That's a common attitude, but you should know that the range of independent living places is enormous. Some are plain vanilla like the one you mentioned, but they can also be fantastic places that anyone of any age would be happy to live at. And everywhere in between.
 
We've looked at several assisted living places here and on the mainland. I could probably adjust to such life. The food is good, the accommodations are nice, the community spirit is good. But until I can't survive at home, I can recreate most of the advantages through outside assistance (delivered meals, cleaning services, church, etc.)

I see the attraction of such places, but I'd hate to give up our independence one day earlier than we have to.

Then, there is the cost. We can afford most places we've seen - especially considering our advanced ages. But we can recreate most of the advantages where we are for less money.

There's something to be said for just paying a monthly fee and having all the advantages. But we can add services as needed for less money and stay independent longer - I hope.

I'm not knocking assisted living. Just saying it's not (yet) for us. Clearly a YMMV situation.
 
momoney said:
...How do you get an ultra-frugal person to spend money to improve their life?
Click to expand...
Simple....you don't. Take it from someone who has seen that...there ain't nuthin' you can do. Your mom's quality of life see seems to suit her. So, unless sne's living in a 5th floor, cold-water wall-up in a half-way house for recovering addicts just ease your mind...and hers. Just enjoy your mom for as long as you can.
 
momoney said:
My mom complains about where she lives and thinks she wants to move to independent living. That sounds like a great idea to me. It seems like a great quality of life upgrade. Then when we get serious about finding a place and the conversation changes to how expensive it will be and how hard it will be to move. She is blessed with having plenty of money but cursed with extreme frugalness. She currently lives in a nice place but otherwise lives at the poverty level using only her social security. The older she gets the worse the frugalness gets. She won't spend money on herself or anyone else.

She likes her broker, but I've never talked to him. Not sure if it's even allowed by law? I think he could persuade her to spend money.

How do you get an ultra-frugal person to spend money to improve their life?
Click to expand...
I hope you can get her to spend money and enjoy gifting to her family. My mother wasted the last 20 yrs of her life not even willing to make a phone call because she thought it was an extra charge on her phone bill. A lot of good her 1.4 million NW did her.
 
TheWizard said:
Fine.
I know someone in a facility with a one BR apartment that has three meals a day included in the dining room downstairs.
The apartment itself has a motel-like kitchenette with a microwave, mini fridge, and mini sink.

You'd have to shoot me before I'd go into a place like that before age 95...
Click to expand...
That’s sad Wiz……. Your posts always sound like you’re doing well financially, yet you describe a dump when top notch, even luxurious, facilities are readily available.
 
youbet said:
That’s sad Wiz……. Your posts always sound like you’re doing well financially, yet you describe a dump when top notch, even luxurious, facilities are readily available.
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It's not a dump.
It's an ok place but with limited options.
If cooking is one of your hobbies in retirement, then just forget about it if you move to this place...
 
momoney said:
She likes her broker, but I've never talked to him. Not sure if it's even allowed by law? I think he could persuade her to spend money.

How do you get an ultra-frugal person to spend money to improve their life?
Click to expand...
She can authorize you to speak with her advisor or simply have you at the meeting or on the phone when she is talking with the advisor.

Regarding ultra-frugal lifestyle is a whole other story. Estate planning discussions may open her eyes to the big tax hit her heirs may see after her passing. She most likely doesn't want the government to get a big chunk of her estate.
 
oldtimer said:
... Estate planning discussions may open her eyes to the big tax hit her heirs may see after her passing. She most likely doesn't want the government to get a big chunk of her estate.
Click to expand...
An excellent point, assuming she can comprehend and digest that...
 
momoney said:
I don


This is what she wants.

Independent Living​


Best for: People who can live on their own but want convenience, safety, and community.
Click to expand...
That’s right. Those communities offer independent living as an option. They usually provide cleaning services as well as some meal options. You still have a full kitchen. You can have your own car and run your own errands, travel even.

Assisted living means you need help with bathing, dressing, and/or mobility, etc. Probably don’t cook for yourself anymore.
 
Koolau said:
We've looked at several assisted living places here and on the mainland. I could probably adjust to such life. The food is good, the accommodations are nice, the community spirit is good. But until I can't survive at home, I can recreate most of the advantages through outside assistance (delivered meals, cleaning services, church, etc.)

I see the attraction of such places, but I'd hate to give up our independence one day earlier than we have to.

Then, there is the cost. We can afford most places we've seen - especially considering our advanced ages. But we can recreate most of the advantages where we are for less money.

There's something to be said for just paying a monthly fee and having all the advantages. But we can add services as needed for less money and stay independent longer - I hope.

I'm not knocking assisted living. Just saying it's not (yet) for us. Clearly a YMMV situation.
Click to expand...
I think with the options we have today, it can be easier to stay out of assisted living places longer. Especially if you have a little money.

Cleaning services are available if you are not up to cleaning. We have options for grocery delivery service. If you are not up to cooking there are lots of ready made meal options and heat and eat food.

I also live in a walkable neighborhood, which I think would also be a rollable neighborhood. There are several restaurants - and a subway station - I could get to on a mobility scooter.
 
You know that you cannot "get" someone else to change.

And she might say she wants an Independent Living arrangement, she doesn't really, not enough. Not enough to spend the money for it. We usually end up doing what we really want.
 
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