Gifting dilemma

Oddly, I don't see anyone mentioning the other 6 figure son. Maybe he doesn't want more then half as he would take it as a poor you gift. And perhaps he doesn't want to buy a house...do 50/50 ...
 
Car-Guy said:
Hum, as an example, what if one were handicapped and couldn't work and the others were all very successful?
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Not just that- one may have a Masters' in Social work and be doing very challenging work for little pay, or have gotten out of an ugly divorce with not much money left.

I come from a family of 5 children and mom and Dad always told us things weren't going to be equal. When Dad died 5 years after Mom his estate was split equally among us but all of us had good careers and didn't really need the money. Along the way I know they sent money to my sister and BIL when he was working 2 and 3 jobs to put her through Med school. They loaned me a bit to buy my first house, which I paid back- I have no idea if they ever gave any other money to anyone. I didn't care.

I agree with consulting the older brother first. If I were the older brother I'd cheerfully agree to give it all to the younger one.
 
"Younger son, we are gifting you X amount so you can buy a house."
"Older son, we are setting aside X amount for you, when you may have need for it. Please let us know when."
 
wrigley said:
If there is anything left when my wife and I are gone, it will be equally divided between our children. Personally, I don't see how any parent would do otherwise.

Mike
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The biggest factor I'd consider in deciding how to split a gift or inheritance is consideration of care provided by the kids. If one or more children pitch in to help parents as they age, that should be compensated very generously.

Often the children not pitching in to help have some excuse such as living at a distance, busy careers, etc. But there's always something they can do to help and if they choose not to, well, they should understand why the siblings who did received a bigger cut.

It's a formidable task taking on some responsibility for others and it should not go unrecognized.
 
Give equal.

Both DW and I were not gifted to while our parents were alive. Her sister and my brother were given money throughout the years. We were told about it and said we were "fine with it", but deep down we both felt like we were be punished for making better financial decisions. SIL chose not to work for long periods of time and my brother made a lot more money than I did, but couldn't hang on to it.

All of our gifts are equal between our 3 kids. You never know how things might change. Our oldest daughter (and husband) make a lot more money than the other two, but DD has come down with a serious medical condition that might affect her ability to work in the future. They will probably use our gifts for medical bills for a long time - whereas a few months ago they just banked it because they were better off financially.
 
pb4uski said:
^^^ Hardly punishing IMO to skew gifts to 5-figure son... 7-figure son isn't going to know and even if he did is unlikely to care.
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If you withhold money from someone because they are successful, then yes you're punishing them for being successful. Whether they need the money or not is irrelevant.
 
We have six kiddos, and our "gifts" have not always been equal as it depended upon the situation at the time. For example, one son lived at home rent free for an extended period of time, for another we paid more for education, for another we contributed significant funds towards grandchildren, gifts towards weddings, etc. BTW, we did not feel it was our duty to disclose every gift made to one to all others.

That said, monetary gifts from parents go beyond money - they can be seen as expressions of love. So, I would recommend that OP is very sensitive to the older son's feelings. I would not make any promises about making up any discrepancy in giving later. Too often such promises are not, or cannot be kept due to unexpected circumstances.
 
MarieIG said:
We have six kiddos, and our "gifts" have not always been equal as it depended upon the situation at the time. For example, one son lived at home rent free for an extended period of time, for another we paid more for education, for another we contributed significant funds towards grandchildren, gifts towards weddings, etc. BTW, we did not feel it was our duty to disclose every gift made to one to all others.

That said, monetary gifts from parents go beyond money - they can be seen as expressions of love. So, I would recommend that OP is very sensitive to the older son's feelings. I would not make any promises about making up any discrepancy in giving later. Too often such promises are not, or cannot be kept due to unexpected circumstances.
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I like the giving depending on the situation at the time. Honestly we have never been a family where we spend the exact same at Christmas etc, etc and it has never been an issue. Younger son knows older son's college was much, much more. Never been an issue. I am leaning toward not feeling we need to disclose every gift. BTW older son has two children. We spent a great deal on his wedding. Younger son is not married. This discussion is really helping me see this more clearly!
 
FFC1964 said:
I like the giving depending on the situation at the time. Honestly we have never been a family where we spend the exact same at Christmas etc, etc and it has never been an issue. Younger son knows older son's college was much, much more. Never been an issue. I am leaning toward not feeling we need to disclose every gift. BTW older son has two children. We spent a great deal on his wedding. Younger son is not married. This discussion is really helping me see this more clearly!
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Older son has children! No worries then, you will be spending on them, lol!
 
We are in a very similar situation with DD earning about 10 times more than DS and in absolutely no need for financial assistance. We wanted to gift money to DS for him to buy a house and we had a conversation with each of them. Although DD was totally fine with us giving her brother the money he needed for his house we told them that we wanted to give equally and that is what we are doing.
 
I have two sons. What we chose to give one son isn't up for discussion with the other and they likely don't know nor ever will. One son graduated with his doctorate, and I gave him a large sum as a gift. The other son has 2 children in private school, and I help pay tuition on a monthly basis. One son asked for a loan to qualify for a lower mortgage when buying his first and again his second home. The other son asked for a loan to put in a swimming pool just prior to COVID, so their kids would want to spend more time at home instead of going to other friends' homes. (Worked GREAT!) The bonus was at the time they got the pool installed within a month. After COVID, there's at least a 2 year backlog in our area.
So I'm not interested in tit for tat, I'm interested in helping out when and where I can. If one needs the help and is deserving of course, then that's what I'm going to do. If one deserves special recognition for accomplishments in their lives, then that's what I'm going to do as well. Only if the child gifted decides to tell the other brother will this be common knowledge, so it's on them to keep the peace, so to speak.
As for inheritance, that's different. That will be 50/50. One son wants our log home on acreage in the mountains, so he's likely to trade some of the cash component of the inheritance for it. The other son wants to eventually end up living in San Diego and could use the money. But people and plans change, so who knows? That will be their concern after we are gone.
 
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If there is any chance that even a dialogue could cause a hint of a rift between your sons then say nothing and keep it even. If I were in your shoes, the most important thing to avoid would be any damage to their relationships. Giving to one and saying nothing creates a secret, which is a burden, which will not stay secret long.
 
Music Lover said:
If you withhold money from someone because they are successful, then yes you're punishing them for being successful. Whether they need the money or not is irrelevant.
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I don't necessarily agree. If one son has a need today, then he's assisted today. Only time will tell when the other son needs us, so for that reason, I don't split thing evenly at every gifting event. Over a lifetime, things like this tend to balance out.
 
Alan said:
We are in a very similar situation with DD earning about 10 times more than DS and in absolutely no need for financial assistance. We wanted to gift money to DS for him to buy a house and we had a conversation with each of them. Although DD was totally fine with us giving her brother the money he needed for his house we told them that we wanted to give equally and that is what we are doing.
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Why did you ask then? I would be fine in helping the DS, unless the difference was due to an addiction or something that would result in further harm.

I understand some peoples concern on wanting things to seem fair, but fair is IMO the overall picture. My younger DD got a lot of help from us as she went through the "school of hard knocks". I COULD take that in to consideration in my determination (not saying I am), and I would feel ok with that.

Flieger
 
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we would like to give our younger son some of the money so he can possibly buy a house in the next few years.
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This sounds kind of squishy to me.

On the other hand, this sounds definitive:

Our older son does not need our money.
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It flat out sounds to me that you want to give the younger son some of "the money"--possibly for a house, don't know--and you definitely do not want to give the older son any of "our money."

Maybe think about how you've framed the situation. Is there favoritism at work here?
 
Qs Laptop said:
This sounds kind of squishy to me.

On the other hand, this sounds definitive:



It flat out sounds to me that you want to give the younger son some of "the money"--possibly for a house, don't know--and you definitely do not want to give the older son any of "our money."

Maybe think about how you've framed the situation. Is there favoritism at work here?
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Nope. It is just the way it is. They will inherit equally.
 
FFC1964 said:
Nope. It is just the way it is. They will inherit equally.
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I mentioned divide by 2 for the gift.

I might write a check to my oldest, who doesn't need the gift, and let him decide. In our family I know my oldest would give it back, knowing what his sibling's needs were.
 
When the last of us passes, our estate will be split 50/50.
Now, we gift as appropriate for what the need is (for larger monies) and equally for birthdays/Christmas.
I always told our kids that "Fair does not mean Equal". Each child received and still receives to their need and to our financial abilities.
 
Car-Guy said:
I get your point and while I agree it happens, I'm not sure I'd feel too sorry for anyone making 7 figures and still trying to keep their financial head above water. Maybe try to get by on a smaller jet. :) Just saying.
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If only it were as simple as dumping the jet!

DW used to work with guys making well over a million a year. Four days before payday, they'd be bumming $100 from her so that they could go out after work but their ATM down in the lobby was empty. Empty, like zero balance.

It adds up:
Exclusive country/yacht clubs, private school for the kids, alimony and child support for wife and family #1 (and sometimes #2), a three million dollar home, property taxes and with a $50K annual landscaping bill, another million dollar house on the Vineyard (and another $50K for landscaping and maintenance), maybe a quad-engined speedboat, Christmas on St. Barths for the entire extended family.

But the photos all look so incredibly great on FaceBook!
 
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target2019 said:
I mentioned divide by 2 for the gift.

I might write a check to my oldest, who doesn't need the gift, and let him decide. In our family I know my oldest would give it back, knowing what his sibling's needs were.
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We have no children but have 7 nieces and nephews from two of DW's siblings and all the kids are now grown.

Family #1 is extremely well off and never needed any help of any kind.
Family #2 has been a complete, total, financial disaster since day one.

DW and I have provided support to #2. Food, clothing, Christmas gifts, money, cars all to the tune of about $15K or $20K per year for the past 30 years. Then came college and we paid for that too.

From the beginning, the kids in Family #1 fully understood their blessings and as they got older openly stated and thanked us for helping their cousins.
 
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