Gifting dilemma

[2HOTinPHX]

Actually thinking about this seriously I would gift them equally and tell them theirs to do with the money whatever they want. Get into a home or take a great vacation, splurge...no strings attached. Or you could take them all on a great vacation together.

I have three siblings and back in the early 90s two of us had already purchased homes...back when 180k was a lot of money. Our Aunt who lived near my parents passed away and she was a single home owner and she passed the home to our Dad. Our dad had individual conversations with us and asked who was interested in perhaps purchasing aunts house. It really only made sense for one brother at the time and dear Dad floated them 20k interest free loan on 180k purchase price so they could get into the home. 20 k loan was due upon parents passing to all siblings
Well 30 plus years later the house is worth some 1.5 million or more just due to location...who new....kind of hard to think about we passed on the option and brother got a 30 year interest free 20k loan. It will never be talked about but it is in the back of my mind.
On the plus side so very thankful they were close by when parents needed there help...so good with the bad in our case.

 

[Sunset]

These replies are so interesting. The money from my mother was not inheritance, just warm hand gifting. We do not need the money. Neither does son #1. He by the way does not have a jet, etc. Definitely not his style. He was raised by us on a farm and worked in construction and a hog farm in high school. Definitely knows the value of money. Probably why he went into finance and is very successful at it. Son #2 is also successful, just not in a field that pays 7 figures a year!
The more I think about it I think my mother would like us to gift son#2 the money to help with a down payment on a home. I like the idea of telling son No.1 but unfortunately he has a very difficult wife and I don't think she would approve. To make his life simpler we will not be telling him.So..... after all of this very helpful discussion and debate we will be gifting son No 2.
The eventual inheritance will be 50/50.
I feel good about this now.
Thank you all!

Since you ".... did pay more for the older son's education. .... He went to a private college, his brother went to a state college. "

Certainly appears that at least some of this gift to Son #2 is just leveling up the amounts given (after you account for inflation on the difference).

I would definitely leave out comments about difficult wife, or the difficult will turn into worse adjectives.

Personally I seen nothing wrong with telling Son #1 you are helping out Son #2 this time, just like when you paid for Son #1 to go to expensive school, etc...

 

[brett]

For the life of me I do not understand many of these comments.

We agreed to pay for both of our childrens education and ensure they had no edu debt.

Our daughter chose a 2 year college program.

Our son did a four year degree followed by a post grad degree.

Both were given the same opportunity, One cost far more than the other.

Do some people actually believe that this is unfair and that we should make up the difference in cost to our daughter?

We certainly do not. Neither do they....since they made their own choice in this regard.

 

[ivinsfan]

Well the question was how do you gift to your children? People have different opinions and options on the subject...there are a few ways to navigate this question..

 

[pb4uski]

For the life of me I do not understand many of these comments.

We agreed to pay for both of our childrens education and ensure they had no edu debt.

Our daughter chose a 2 year college program.

Our son did a four year degree followed by a post grad degree.

Both were given the same opportunity, One cost far more than the other.

Do some people actually believe that this is unfair and that we should make up the difference in cost to our daughter?

We certainly do not. Neither do they....since they made their own choice in this regard.

I hear you, but would you feel differently if your daughter chose not to attend college at all?

Another situation for my BIL is he paid for one but the other got a full-ride merit scholarship. It gets complicated.

 

[pb4uski]

Actually thinking about this seriously I would gift them equally and tell them theirs to do with the money whatever they want. Get into a home or take a great vacation, splurge...no strings attached. Or you could take them all on a great vacation together.

I have three siblings and back in the early 90s two of us had already purchased homes...back when 180k was a lot of money. Our Aunt who lived near my parents passed away and she was a single home owner and she passed the home to our Dad. Our dad had individual conversations with us and asked who was interested in perhaps purchasing aunts house. It really only made sense for one brother at the time and dear Dad floated them 20k interest free loan on 180k purchase price so they could get into the home. 20 k loan was due upon parents passing to all siblings
Well 30 plus years later the house is worth some 1.5 million or more just due to location...who new....kind of hard to think about we passed on the option and brother got a 30 year interest free 20k loan. It will never be talked about but it is in the back of my mind.
On the plus side so very thankful they were close by when parents needed there help...so good with the bad in our case.

$20k*(1+5%)^30 is only $86k, so don't sweat the small stuff... if $180k isn't a lot of money, $86k is even less.

 

[sengsational]

It’s always been interesting to me that “fairness” is such a pervasive and core value in American culture.

It goes a lot farther back than that. Did you see the one where monkeys each got cucumbers and they got along swimmingly, but when the keepers gave one monkey grapes (the preferred food), and the other cucumber, all hell broke loose. "The apple don't fall far from the tree"

 

[Stormy Kromer]

I've watched this thread with much interest. I've seen family drama tear up families, most of them rich, for years after there was plenty to give around.

I am a parent of children, now my children have children too When we all sit down for supper at night everyone is served equally. I don't care if one child is a millionaire (or how they got it) and the next child is broke. In my house at my table everyone eats the same.

Nobody gets more or less based on their position in my family. We all eat from the same table.

 

[brett]

I hear you, but would you feel differently if your daughter chose not to attend college at all?

Another situation for my BIL is he paid for one but the other got a full-ride merit scholarship. It gets complicated.

No. Because it would have been her choice.

The choice was not an education or a car or cash, or some combo. The choice was binary. We will pay for your education. End of.

She did not incur the specific expense that we agreed to underwrite.

What's next...comparing what we spent on dental for each of them??

 

[FFC1964]

Since you ".... did pay more for the older son's education. .... He went to a private college, his brother went to a state college. "

Certainly appears that at least some of this gift to Son #2 is just leveling up the amounts given (after you account for inflation on the difference).

I would definitely leave out comments about difficult wife, or the difficult will turn into worse adjectives.

Personally I seen nothing wrong with telling Son #1 you are helping out Son #2 this time, just like when you paid for Son #1 to go to expensive school, etc...

This is probably the best solution actually. I was not planning on saying anything about the difficult wife to either of them. That is not new news to anyone.

 

[Texas Proud]

This makes me glad we had only one child. It's clear that there are two different philosophies here; OP will decide how to handle it.

Really two main ones... equal or not equal... but many sub philosophies below the not equal...

 

[Bestwifeever]

How do people know how much money their kids have? I don’t know how my children are doing financially, but both have decent jobs, nice spouses, and healthy children, so 50/50 it is.

 

[Flieger]

How do people know how much money their kids have? I don’t know how my children are doing financially, but both have decent jobs, nice spouses, and healthy children, so 50/50 it is.

I think this was how it was years ago, but it seems there is a lot more "openness" nowadays. Both of my kids discuss their financial situation, and ask for my opinion/advice as well. My Dad on the other hand never discussed his situation or mine. FWIW, I think discussion and their asking for advice is much better.

Flieger

 

[youbet]

I think this was how it was years ago, but it seems there is a lot more "openness" nowadays. Both of my kids discuss their financial situation, and ask for my opinion/advice as well. My Dad on the other hand never discussed his situation or mine. FWIW, I think discussion and their asking for advice is much better.

Flieger

I have detailed knowledge of my son's and my grandchildrens' financial status. DS shares his DW's financial status with me in general, but not in detailed categories. I pretty much know what is going on with them financially but DIL retains most of her desired "privacy" about her investments. This is helpful for estate planning purposes including current gifting.

 

[badatmath]

I certainly never told my parents how much I had or didn't have. And I'm certain they didn't care. Nor did they offer me any!

One difference might be though that most/all of you are good with money. No one in my family appeared to know a damn thing about it and never had any. There would not have been any investment advice to get. . .

 

[brett]

I certainly never told my parents how much I had or didn't have. And I'm certain they didn't care. Nor did they offer me any!

One difference might be though that most/all of you are good with money. No one in my family appeared to know a damn thing about it and never had any.

Ditto. My parents had absolutely no idea of our financial situation or how much either of us made. They could only guess based on our lifestyle. They would never, ever, have asked either.

We are the same with our children. And it would seem all of our immediate relatives. But...we do not live in each other's pocket.

 

[Flieger]

Ditto. My parents had absolutely no idea of our financial situation or how much either of us made. They could only guess based on our lifestyle.

This, to me, is the mistake a lot of people make. Guessing financial situation from lived lifestyle can be a big miss. Not everyone ( I dare say most?) people are LBYM types so lifestyle can be deceiving.

I'm happy to help both of my DD's, with no judgements, and wish I had "involved' part as well.

Flieger

 

[brett]

This, to me, is the mistake a lot of people make. Guessing financial situation from lived lifestyle can be a big miss. Not everyone ( I dare say most?) people are LBYM types so lifestyle can be deceiving.

I'm happy to help both of my DD's, with no judgements, and wish I had "involved' part as well.

Flieger

Why is this a mistake My parents were LBYM, we are LBYM.

It was simply that my parents, and I were brought up in an environment where financial information was priviate, as was conspicuous consumption.

And very much MYOB.

 

[Flieger]

Why is this a mistake My parents were LBYM, we are LBYM.

It was simply that my parents, and I were brought up in an environment where financial information was priviate, as was conspicuous consumption.

And very much MYOB.

Well, I didn't say ALL people, I said a lot of people. JMHO and you do you (and your family). I am not ashamed or afraid to have money conversations. That stigma is gone for me and my family.

Flieger

 

[statsman]

There are times where making all gifting be even isn't necessary or doesn't work out. My in-laws paid for our nephew's K-12 private school tuition because the public school system in his area was mediocre. They also refinanced the house for my BIL and his wife back when interest rates were steep.

Our kid went to a public school, albeit a very good one academically, and we financed/refinanced our home loans. At no point did we feel like we were getting a raw deal. I think my FIL tried to query us about our financial situation a few times. He was probably looking for an avenue to make things "even". It wasn't necessary.

The rest of the time, it was even. Both our kid and our nephew received the same gifting for birthdays and Christmas (usually savings bonds), as did my BIL and my DW on a few occasions. The inheritance was split 50/50. My BIL and DW were both executors of their parents' trust.

Over the years, we had no expectations on the gifting, but we were always grateful for the few times it happened.

 

[CRLLS]

How do people know how much money their kids have? I don’t know how my children are doing financially, but both have decent jobs, nice spouses, and healthy children, so 50/50 it is.

Agreed. I mentioned the same earlier in this thread. I do talk finances in generalities. Both children have jobs outside of SS and their spouses are in the SS umbrella. As such, I occasionally offer a reminder to plan how that might affect their retirement. I share some things like money we put aside for the grandkids' education plan. Or occasionally what they might inherit if we both died today. The details of such are not shared. I don' expect nor do I want to know theirs.

 

[rkser]

I keep thinking if whether to help/enable our DS & Daughter in law buy a house during this high interest rate & peak housing market.

Essentially lend them a mortgage loan at better than prevailing rate ??

We gift $36k/yr worth of transfer shares of ETFs - VTI & VXUS from our taxable Brokerage accounts to the accounts of our son & daughter. They will sell the ETFs when they need the money & pay taxes themselves,
We gift $9k/yr to 529 of our 3 grand children from our daughter.

In addition, we gifted $250k of transfer etfs shares each to DS & DD this yr, which was in a way to help son for the down payment, we will have to complete Form 709 this year.
We believe gifting while we are alive rather than leaving them an estate after we pass.

Both have graduate degrees, came out with out any loans, education funded by us, DD went to IVY, has a professional degree & is doing very well, DS went to a State School is doing well but not as well as daughter.

DW thinks let the son get his mortgage from a Bank paying the prevailing rate & with his skin in the game & also if we become the bank we do not want any possible riffs in the family if in case he does not repay as/at per the scheduled time.

We are fat, financially independent retirees, projections on paper show we will be leaving behind millions. We have lived LBYM through out our lives. Both children know our net worth & each will in future inherit 1/2 of it after the charities we support are paid off.

Any suggestions please

 

[statsman]

DW thinks let the son get his mortgage from a Bank paying the prevailing rate & with his skin in the game & also we do not want any possible riffs in the family if in case he does not repay as/at per the scheduled time.

We are fat, financially independent retirees, projections on paper show we will be leaving behind millions. We have lived LBYM through out our lives. Both children know our net worth & each will in future inherit 1/2 of it after the charities we support are paid off.

Any suggestions please

Consider adopting someone!

Seriously, I think I agree with your DW. There's enough funding to ensure DS and DIL won't default on their loan, and if interest rates drop the next few years, they could always refinance to a lower mortgage rate.

 

[pb4uski]

I keep thinking if whether to help/enable our DS & Daughter in law buy a house during this high interest rate & peak housing market.

Essentially lend them a mortgage loan at better than prevailing rate ??...

Any suggestions please

In one of the threads the other day there was mention of a third-party that acts as an intemediary between you and your DS/DIL. You agree on the mortgage terms. They draft the documents and record it just like your DS/DIL took out a mortgage from a bank. They also service the loan and relay the payments to you and I assume pursue collection of any tardy payments.

Could a win-win. They get and affordable mortgage and you get loan interest income secured by collateral.

 

[Route246]

50-50.