How much have you given to family members who are in need?

[RunningBum]

Is the tiny apartment in the low income part of town safe? If so, I don't see anything wrong with her moving there.

I've not been asked for help from relatives. I voluntarily gift my son yearly, in part to see how he manages it before he gets the bulk of my estate. For a health condition I'd not hesitate to help a family member. If they are living beyond their means, we would have a discussion first. I worry some that a couple of siblings haven't been saving enough for retirement but I don't think butting in on their finances would be appreciated. I'm here if they want to ask for advice.

 

[dobig]

Have given family probably close to $300,000+ the past 10 years. Maybe $450,000 over 20 years. That's around 15% of current investments. Honestly it would never occur to me not to help family less fortunate than us. I have an elderly mother who struggled and did everything she could for us kids when Dad left. A sister in law who's daughter, and our niece, has terminal stem cell brain cancer and had to quit work to be her full time care giver 6 years ago. An elderly father in law who has very little and is reluctant to accept anything. Sure other family members could step up to the plate and probably take advantage of us doing the bulk of the heavy lifting but so what?

Frankly, the idea of not helping is insulting. It's family, you take care of them. End of story.

 

[dobig]

As far as the Aunt, I'd suggest buying her home and giving her a life lease for $1 a year.

 

[Gumby]

From the time I was 19 until I was 25, I sent money home to my mother and sister every month to help them out. I'm sure I am one of the few instances of a college student sending money home (I began when I was at the US Naval Academy, where you actually get paid while you are a student, and then a naval officer on active duty.) It continued after I got married (the young wife was onboard with it) until my sister graduated from high school and moved out and my mother got remarried. That was almost 50 years ago, so the amount was not large, but it was a meaningful percentage of my paycheck.

 

[big-papa]

What I have done
- Younger brother got in a bind a couple of decades ago and I helped him out. Amount was relatively small
- Older sister was starting a business and was short for what she needed to get it going. A couple of $K.
- When my parents were aging, they were living as renters in a house that belonged to some long-term family friends of theirs. It was old and slowly falling apart. I purchased a house for them and moved them into it. I was able to put enough down on it that the monthly cash flow for mortage, insurance, and tax was very small for us. The agreement was that they'd handle all utilities, regular maintenance like lawn care and I'd fund any major repairs that might ever be needed. They lived there for about 14 years before my Dad passed and, a year later, my Mom. I then sold it and got back enough to cover the realtor fees. Overall, financially, it was net neutral, but priceless for the security it gave my parents.

In all cases, I told them upfront that this was a gift, not a loan. And, except for my parents, it is was to be considered a once-in-a-lifetime gift as well. It all worked out.

Cheers.

 

[big-papa]

From the time I was 19 until I was 25, I sent money home to my mother and sister every month to help them out. I'm sure I am one of the few instances of a college student sending money home (I began when I was at the US Naval Academy, where you actually get paid while you are a student, and then a naval officer on active duty.) It continued after I got married (the young wife was onboard with it) until my sister graduated from high school and moved out and my mother got remarried. That was almost 50 years ago, so the amount was not large, but it was a meaningful percentage of my paycheck.

My Dad did that as well when he was in the Navy in the Pacific during WWII. I have a bunch of his old letters to his Mom. Very cool!

 

[Samething]

I gave quite a bit of financial support to my mother when her money started to run out. Bought her a condo and paid some of her bills. She always worked after she divorced my father. She went into the work force after 25 years of being a stay at home mom and was never highly paid. I have also given a substantial amount to my sister over the years. She always did just enough to get by when she was younger. Mostly under the table so her SS is minimal. She’s paying the price now. At 72 she works one day a week and lives in poverty. Our father passed several years ago. She was excluded from his estate. I gave her a substantial amount out of my inheritance. To her credit and my surprise she is using that money judiciously.

 

[Sojourner]

Frankly, the idea of not helping is insulting. It's family, you take care of them. End of story.

So, you think people are obligated to help out second cousins they've never even met, or maybe met once at a family reunion?

Most of us would certainly be inclined to help out an elderly relative we've had good relations with for decades, but what matters is the strength and depth of the relationship. Not the tenuous, accident-of-birth technicality of "blood", "DNA", etc.

 

[TripleLindy]

First, ignore the extreme responses that take a position of what’s right or wrong. There is no right or wrong, only what you are comfortable with. Anyone telling you what to do probably isn’t worth listening to.

To respond to your question, we’ve never been asked by any family member for help. But we have helped each of our 3 kids purchase homes - 6 figures each. Again, our offer, not their ask. It was our way of participating in a positive experience with them rather than them getting it all after we’re gone. I never bothered to calculate the % of net worth at the time, but if I use today’s net worth, it’s around 7%.

You’ll figure out what to do.

 

[dobig]

I gave quite a bit of financial support to my mother when her money started to run out. Bought her a condo and paid some of her bills. She always worked after she divorced my father. She went into the work force after 25 years of being a stay at home mom and was never highly paid. I have also given a substantial amount to my sister over the years. She always did just enough to get by when she was younger. Mostly under the table so her SS is minimal. She’s paying the price now. At 72 she works one day a week and lives in poverty. Our father passed several years ago. She was excluded from his estate. I gave her a substantial amount out of my inheritance. To her credit and my surprise she is using that money judiciously.

Perhaps we have the same sister.

Mine is 58, still living with our mother and we're still givng her money monthly.

 

[dobig]

So, you think people are obligated to help out second cousins they've never even met, or maybe met once at a family reunion?

Most of us would certainly be inclined to help out an elderly relative we've had good relations with for decades, but what matters is the strength and depth of the relationship. Not the tenuous, accident-of-birth technicality of "blood", "DNA", etc.

Extended family is different.

 

[dobig]

My Dad did that as well when he was in the Navy in the Pacific during WWII. I have a bunch of his old letters to his Mom. Very cool!

Very cool!

 

[Koolau]

I have given my mother plenty of money over the past 17-18 years. She just didn’t plan for her retirement. Soon after retiring, her car was totaled and I helped her buy another vehicle. Then she complained that she had trouble paying the ever increasing fees on her large condo (she decided to keep the family home even though she often complains that it is too much to maintain). Once again I helped. But three years ago I suddenly discovered a while new side to her personality. She became unapologetically demanding. Her greediness and ungratefulness has even reached new heights since. I’m just tired of it and I have decided to let the chips fall where they may. Last month she approached me to once again “ask” for money (honestly it felt like I was being blackmailed) and I turned her down. She lives in a condo twice as large as mine, eats all organic food (I don’t), etc… I think it is high time for her to make some sacrifices for once. But she insists on staying in a home that she can’t afford. Her retirement income is not low (it’s near the median), so she could easily make it by adopting a lifestyle more in line with her income. She’s just being a spoiled brat.

I’ve now decided that I will no longer support lazy able-bodied people or people who have the means but not the will to make it on their own.

Do you think there is any chance your mother is heading into some form of dementia. Your description makes me think this could be involved in her unpleasant behavior. Are you in any way able to have her evaluated?

I'm sorry you're experiencing this unfortunate situation. We all want to remember our moms (and dads) with love and appreciation. That will be hard to do if you feel exploited by your mom. Blessings.

 

[kgtest]

Thousands. And hundreds to those that were not in need, with birthdays, gifts, paid for dinners or excursions or experiences.

 

[ShokWaveRider]

We bought my father in law a new car, and gave a significant amount at Xmas, father's day and birthdays for at least 10 years till he passed.

 

[Midpack]

Never been asked to yet. Worry about it some. We'll see. I'd happily help some of them, some more substantially than others, still others debatable. The irony is the ones I'd most likely help will never need it...

 

[Koolau]

Never been asked to yet. Worry about it some. We'll see. I'd happily help some of them, some more substantially than others, still others debatable. The irony is the ones I'd most likely help will never need it...

Yeah, it's funny how that w*rks. Those responsible enough that you'd be okay with helping them - simply don't need the help because they ARE responsible. Another Catch 22, I suppose.

 

[FIREd]

Do you think there is any chance your mother is heading into some form of dementia. Your description makes me think this could be involved in her unpleasant behavior. Are you in any way able to have her evaluated?

I'm sorry you're experiencing this unfortunate situation. We all want to remember our moms (and dads) with love and appreciation. That will be hard to do if you feel exploited by your mom. Blessings.

Thanks. My sister and I did consider the possibility of dementia and we’ve been watchful. However, at this time, she presents no obvious symptoms. In fact she’s rather sharp for her age. I think that her behavior has more to do with an unwillingness to adapt to her changing financial circumstances. I get it, it’s not easy. But I did not create her situation.

 

[Koolau]

Thanks. My sister and I did consider the possibility of dementia and we’ve been watchful. However, at this time, she presents no obvious symptoms. In fact she’s rather sharp for her age. I think that her behavior has more to do with an unwillingness to adapt to her changing financial circumstances. I get it, it’s not easy. But I did not create her situation.

This is so sad. We all want to put our parents on a pedestal. I know my parents were not perfect but rarely did they show a selfish side. I'm actually proud of my parents and I've tried to emulate them.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope your mom comes around.

 

[HI Bill]

I gift up to the gifting limit directly into my son's brokerage account and Roth each year...You.

You can easily exceed the IRS limit: If you give more than the annual limit to a single person, you must file Form 709. However, you will not owe any actual gift tax until your lifetime gifts exceed your lifetime estate and gift exemption limit of $15 million per individual.

 

[RetiredHappy]

You can easily exceed the IRS limit: If you give more than the annual limit to a single person, you must file Form 709. However, you will not owe any actual gift tax until your lifetime gifts exceed your lifetime estate and gift exemption limit of $15 million per individual.

I know that. I did file form 709 when I gifted my son with $200K one year to help him pay towards his home so that he did not need to have a mortgage. But I avoid gifting more than the gifting limit. He does not need more more than what I am gifting him for his living expenses and to grow his investment account.

 

[Sunset]

My sister couldn't afford her place.
So I bought it and rented it cheap to her and never increased the rent in the ~12 yrs she lived there.

I did it this way as opposed to giving her money for a couple of reasons, and I see the same issue possible with OP.

Money given could be poorly spent. Requiring more money, perhaps an endless set of requests.
Something else could happen like not paying the taxes and the house is lost via a tax sale as Aunt "forgets".
Aunt could literally give the house to some con artist, it happened to my Uncle so it really is possible.
When death occurs, if the Aunt still owns the house it may be Willed to some relatives of hers that didn't bother to help her out, and they won't thank OP for paying for the house all those years.

 

[jfn111]

I helped my sister out with thousands of dollars over the years. She lived in a converted garage, on reservation land, in northern MN.
She had fibromyalgia which led to opioid addiction. She lived on minimal social security, so I constantly helped get her current on the electric and propane bills. I'd get the call when the dog messed with a porcupine and the vet wanted to be paid up front.
She died in her sleep last year and I was happy I was able to help her over the years.