How to help an acquaintance that is clearly having signs of dementia.

[Time2]

It is a huge task you are stepping up to. I am glad you are not doing it alone. You and your buddy are more likely to get a good response from Bill when you go over there as a concerned team, rather than as individuals.
Nothing we can say here will really help you but keep venting as needed.
Bravo indeed.

Luckily, at least so far he has been very receptive to help. I wondered how he would be when we started going through his mail. But he was actually thanking us for doing it. One thing we were disappointed in was after we got his computer working, the audio working (which he said hadn't worked for months) and his email working, the next time we visited the computer was off and he couldn't get it to work again. And to repeat, working on, modifying, overclocking, trying out dozens of Windows programs was how he spent his time, downloading torrents of music and videos, was how he spent his time, now he has trouble turning on his computer. :-(

 

[Koolau]

There must be millions of stories like these but they rarely seem to make the news - about someone becoming incompetent and either being quietly assisted or (just as quietly) being taken advantage of.

MIL went through it and DW/I and her son spent hours each week keeping her in her home and then finding a facility for her. At first, she was anything but cooperative. She wouldn't communicate. One time we finally broke into her home because she wouldn't respond to the phone nor would she come to the door. We found her in a diabetic coma on her kitchen floor. No idea how long she had been there - maybe 2 days??

She refused to do one of the "I've fallen and I can't get up" buttons. It was if she wanted to make taking care of her as unpleasant, stressful, unrewarding as possible. It was a relief when she finally had no choice but to go into a professional facility. Even then, she seemed to be the one who made the most trouble for Staff which often got us involved. Sad to say but I do not miss those times.

My prayer is that I don't end up like that!

 

[Time2]

OP here, last week on my last visit to see Bill, I told him I would be back on Monday at 10am. I had a list of things to get done. Deposit checks, check on car ins., get plates, pay property taxes, gets meds, get a TV to use with his computer and get garbage service.
In the mean time I did get two emails from him with his favorite video series Rirang, a Chinese girl camping. So that was good, in that at least he was getting his computer to operate. Still does not answer his new phone.
I showed up Monday at 10am and he was waiting for me, this was very surprising, I never thought he would remember. I start saying what we were going to do, and he mentioned I already got my meds, If you well recall, he paid over $500 for 4 meds, and we told him to use the GoodRx card to save money. He remembered to use the goodRx card, total cost $89!
I then ask to see his car insurance, I didn't think it was up to date, but he found the paperwork and it was, In the process he also found the 2025 stick for his license plate, I installed it 8 month late.
So we got to the bank, he could only find two of the 3 checks he had, and the bank would not except one because it was to old.
Then we went and paid the property tax without a hitch. In fact he got a number, sat down, and since this was at the DMV, I expected it would be awhile, so I ran out to the parking lot to get my phone and when I returned he was walking out of the office having already paid the bill on his own.
Next stop was Walmart to get a TV to connect to his computer. While there he bought a wallet (well needed) and a belt.
As to the garbage service, I could not get him to get service, he takes it to a local land fill, he has two trashcans in his car and he fills the trunk. But we really need to get 10 years worth of junk out of the house.
I spent 45 minutes trying to get the TV to display the computer using the HDMI input. I never got it to work, I suspect the HDMI output on the TV graphics card.
I was exhausted after I got home.
I found one of my old graphics cards and I'll take a small monitor that I have to trouble shoot the TV problem, probably tomorrow.
Anyway, it looks like he had a couple of good days, I hope seeing some people is helping, as he has been a hermit for several years.

 

[Gumby]

OP here, last week on my last visit to see Bill, I told him I would be back on Monday at 10am. I had a list of things to get done. Deposit checks, check on car ins., get plates, pay property taxes, gets meds, get a TV to use with his computer and get garbage service.
In the mean time I did get two emails from him with his favorite video series Rirang, a Chinese girl camping. So that was good, in that at least he was getting his computer to operate. Still does not answer his new phone.
I showed up Monday at 10am and he was waiting for me, this was very surprising, I never thought he would remember. I start saying what we were going to do, and he mentioned I already got my meds, If you well recall, he paid over $500 for 4 meds, and we told him to use the GoodRx card to save money. He remembered to use the goodRx card, total cost $89!
I then ask to see his car insurance, I didn't think it was up to date, but he found the paperwork and it was, In the process he also found the 2025 stick for his license plate, I installed it 8 month late.
So we got to the bank, he could only find two of the 3 checks he had, and the bank would not except one because it was to old.
Then we went and paid the property tax without a hitch. In fact he got a number, sat down, and since this was at the DMV, I expected it would be awhile, so I ran out to the parking lot to get my phone and when I returned he was walking out of the office having already paid the bill on his own.
Next stop was Walmart to get a TV to connect to his computer. While there he bought a wallet (well needed) and a belt.
As to the garbage service, I could not get him to get service, he takes it to a local land fill, he has two trashcans in his car and he fills the trunk. But we really need to get 10 years worth of junk out of the house.
I spent 45 minutes trying to get the TV to display the computer using the HDMI input. I never got it to work, I suspect the HDMI output on the TV graphics card.
I was exhausted after I got home.
I found one of my old graphics cards and I'll take a small monitor that I have to trouble shoot the TV problem, probably tomorrow.
Anyway, it looks like he had a couple of good days, I hope seeing some people is helping, as he has been a hermit for several years.

You are being a good friend to him. He may not be in a position to really appreciate it, but there are many here who appreciate your efforts on his behalf.

 

[audreyh1]

Sounds like he’s gotten motivated and much more on the ball! What a good friend you are.

 

[Koolau]

OP here, last week on my last visit to see Bill, I told him I would be back on Monday at 10am. I had a list of things to get done. Deposit checks, check on car ins., get plates, pay property taxes, gets meds, get a TV to use with his computer and get garbage service.
In the mean time I did get two emails from him with his favorite video series Rirang, a Chinese girl camping. So that was good, in that at least he was getting his computer to operate. Still does not answer his new phone.
I showed up Monday at 10am and he was waiting for me, this was very surprising, I never thought he would remember. I start saying what we were going to do, and he mentioned I already got my meds, If you well recall, he paid over $500 for 4 meds, and we told him to use the GoodRx card to save money. He remembered to use the goodRx card, total cost $89!
I then ask to see his car insurance, I didn't think it was up to date, but he found the paperwork and it was, In the process he also found the 2025 stick for his license plate, I installed it 8 month late.
So we got to the bank, he could only find two of the 3 checks he had, and the bank would not except one because it was to old.
Then we went and paid the property tax without a hitch. In fact he got a number, sat down, and since this was at the DMV, I expected it would be awhile, so I ran out to the parking lot to get my phone and when I returned he was walking out of the office having already paid the bill on his own.
Next stop was Walmart to get a TV to connect to his computer. While there he bought a wallet (well needed) and a belt.
As to the garbage service, I could not get him to get service, he takes it to a local land fill, he has two trashcans in his car and he fills the trunk. But we really need to get 10 years worth of junk out of the house.
I spent 45 minutes trying to get the TV to display the computer using the HDMI input. I never got it to work, I suspect the HDMI output on the TV graphics card.
I was exhausted after I got home.
I found one of my old graphics cards and I'll take a small monitor that I have to trouble shoot the TV problem, probably tomorrow.
Anyway, it looks like he had a couple of good days, I hope seeing some people is helping, as he has been a hermit for several years.

I don't actually believe in the concept of Karma, but I hope, if you ever need similar help, someone will come along and assist you in a similar way. Good on you!

 

[pacergal]

OP--thanks for the update, you are a kind and caring friend.

 

[Time2]

I went back today with his other friend and managed to get his new computer monitor hooked up and working. It was a slog and we don't know why we are both experienced with building and hooking up computers. But now it's working. We decided to get the 3 Fidelity RMD figured out and hopefully just reinvested into another account. It turns out they couldn't do that, they say once a check has been issued it has to stay that way. But it gets worse, the rep told us he has 27 RMD checks that have not been deposited. The Fidelity solution, the are going to send 27 new checks to his house. ($100,000 range) We will try hard to make sure we are there to help him when they arrive.
Now some good news, as I leave his home I noticed a Senior Living facility. One block from his house, it is a 3 tier facility, independent living with utilities, meals, garage, etcetera, and two more levels of more care as needed.
All we need to do is get him to agree. :-/ $42,000 a year, but he can afford it.

 

[Time2]

I don't actually believe in the concept of Karma, but I hope, if you ever need similar help, someone will come along and assist you in a similar way. Good on you!

I married a younger women, well 6 years younger, but she runs circles around me, runs her 3 miles every morning, often a 4:30 am depending on the time of year.

PS, I hope she will care for me!

 

[Time2]

I'll tell you, just having a little interaction with us has seemed to make difference in his mental ability.
I hope it is just not that I'm seeing good days. He has been very receptive to all our help, but I pushed a little to far today when I suggested we get a dumpster like the stores have and throw out some of the trash, he doesn't have trash service because it is $6 a week! He loads it in his car and takes it to the county landfill, but clearly he doesn't do it often enough.

 

[Koolau]

It sounds like with your help, things are coming together for your friend Bill.

I try always to provide rides or shopping, etc, to any of the "old" people at church. Of course, now I'm an old person too! Who knew it would happen so soon.

 

[Teacher Terry]

You are being a wonderful friend and the world needs more people like you!!

 

[Time2]

Two of us showed up a week ago and started filling containers with all his built up trash, Some of it was T-shirt bags filled with T-shirt bags, and T-shirt bags with 4-1/2 gallon milk jugs. He was reluctant to throw them out but he did. We took 5-32 gallon containers to the land fill. We made a dent in his junk, but only a dent.

 

[Time2]

The latest; Fidelity said they would be re-sending the 27 RMD checks, that cover the last 6-3/4 years. But as it stands, they sent 5 checks. After being contacted, they said they would only send 5 more after these five have been cashed in. Probably a good idea. However, he has not went to the bank to deposit them, when offered a ride to the bank, he said he would get to it. I don't know, he is trying to lay low from the IRS, since we have known him, about 30 years he has never filed an income tax form. He has not worked for at least that long, so I don't really know how much tax he would owe, he gets close to $14,000 in SS and and not sure how much his nest egg, $1M now, has generated. I don't know if his nest egg has grown or shrunk over 30 years. He is not a big spender, heat and air was not operable, he had it turned off.

 

[Time2]

The Latest is, Fidelity sent 5 checks, they said they would not send more until these were deposited. He has had the checks for almost two weeks, finally my other buddy took him to the bank and got him to deposited them. I'm not sure he would have done it on his own.

Now the coffee group has another situation, our 99 year old, (John) had a minor car accident, his nephew came in an took the keys away. Every Thursday, we would watch him leave from breakfast and we would say, "he shouldn't be driving". Lucky no one was hurt. His nephew is helping a lot but he is hours away. He has coordinated to get someone in the house to help, but until then, we are there. I was ask to take him coffee this morning, I did, and he said I wish you would have got me a big breakfast! So I went back to McDonald's and got him a Big Breakfast. they didn't get the order right, (bacon instead of sausage and no pancakes)
He is well known at the local Biscuit World, they owner said she would visit him, one server cried when she heard he wouldn't be back. But I'll pick him up Thursday to take him to breakfast. His nephew bought him a replacement TV to replace the old not smart TV, when I arrived today the TV was off, because he couldn't get it switched to antenna. I got it working and it will stay on Ant. until he pushes the wrong button! Then he will be stuck again. I told him to call me if he can't get it to work, I don't live to far.

 

[aja8888]

The Latest is, Fidelity sent 5 checks, they said they would not send more until these were deposited. He has had the checks for almost two weeks, finally my other buddy took him to the bank and got him to deposited them. I'm not sure he would have done it on his own.

Now the coffee group has another situation, our 99 year old, (John) had a minor car accident, his nephew came in an took the keys away. Every Thursday, we would watch him leave from breakfast and we would say, "he shouldn't be driving". Lucky no one was hurt. His nephew is helping a lot but he is hours away. He has coordinated to get someone in the house to help, but until then, we are there. I was ask to take him coffee this morning, I did, and he said I wish you would have got me a big breakfast! So I went back to McDonald's and got him a Big Breakfast. they didn't get the order right, (bacon instead of sausage and no pancakes)
He is well known at the local Biscuit World, they owner said she would visit him, one server cried when she heard he wouldn't be back. But I'll pick him up Thursday to take him to breakfast. His nephew bought him a replacement TV to replace the old not smart TV, when I arrived today the TV was off, because he couldn't get it switched to antenna. I got it working and it will stay on Ant. until he pushes the wrong button! Then he will be stuck again. I told him to call me if he can't get it to work, I don't live to far.

Great that you are helping him. I read this and see the guys in my group (My avatar + 7 more) heading that way too. Two guys are not driving anymore, one is dead two years now, one had a stroke and can't ride his bike 10 miles to coffee each day. and a couple fell and got real hurt (one passed away). Keep it up. You will be rewarded for the good deed someday!

 

[HarveyS]

Have you tried to tell the 99 year old about Uber or taxicabs?

 

[Time2]

Have you tried to tell the 99 year old about Uber or taxicabs?

I don't think he could navigate working out Uber on his phone. He should have someone taking care of him by the 16th of this month. His nephew is scheduling to get someone in everyday to help him with food and drink until then.