How to help an acquaintance that is clearly having signs of dementia.

[Koolau]

Fingers crossed that Bill carries through and gets the assistance he needs. How lucky he is that you care about him.

 

[chris2008]

Make sure to document all you do and to keep his family in the loop, even more so if the house is sold for a low price.
It would not be the first time that help gets punished.
Help him but protect yourself.

 

[chris2008]

... and when/if he has moved out of his home it might be good to keep it as it was for some months. So whenever he misses something he has a chance to pick it up before the stuff is dumped.

 

[Time2]

Bill, called an ambulance, because he could not find a pulse. He went to an extension of our hospital for one night and they transferred him to the hospital the next day. He has congestive heart failure. They have him Lasix to get rid of his excess water. Doc said one of his meds for his heart was at max amount and that is why his heart rate was depressed. They stopped the med and his rate is rising, Doc said they would probably just put him on a smaller amount. But, I did tell them about his mental situation, and ask them to see what they can do, the nurse had already figured out his mental situation. So they will mostly likely discharge him to a care facility and then we will worry about long term care.
Kinda funny, remember the other friend John of 40 years that Bill got mad at for the (not) stealing a phone cable, that he hasn't talked to for 2 months, the one he has ask me a couple times if he is in jail, for stealing the cable. When Bill called to tell me he was in the other hospital, I said I would come visit, I said what do you think about me bringing John? Oh ya! I haven't seen John for a long time. The visit went without a hitch, no mention of his missing cable.

 

[Koolau]

Wow. The saga continues. Good on you for caring.

Keep us posted.

 

[street]

Yes please keep us posted.

 

[Pluperfect]

I just re-read this entire thread. I remember reading it as it went along, but stopped, and decided to catch up because...I'm in your shoes. I have a friend who had a stroke in June and I'm helping him out/taking over.

My friend isn't suffering from as much apparent dementia as Bill is (he doesn't think people are breaking in and stealing stuff...yet), but man it's trying. The small victories are thrilling (like when Bill handled the business at the DMV), but confounding because there's no consistency.

My friend has a brother in another city, who hasn't stepped up at all, except to get his name put on my friend's checking account. And my friend's friends? Well, they're old guys like him (he's 78).

This is what I get to deal with: My friend had a big-screen TV that had a cracked screen. He'd never even used it, but that's another story. My friend and his friend were discussing what to do with it, and they agreed that Best Buy would be the place. I was in the room and said, "Best Buy will take it, but they'll charge you because it's not an Insignia, which is their brand. The city electronics recycling place will take it for free, but it's way on the other side of town and you have to make an appointment."

Did these people think, "Hmm...sounds like she knows what she's talking about"? Nope. They started talking about how the Geek Squad at Best Buy would want it for parts. For parts!!

At least my friend is only a moderate hoarder, and sometimes agrees to part with some stuff if I time the suggestion perfectly. And he has enough money that he could afford an independent living place if he wanted to (he doesn't--"it's all old people"), and he has no online access to any of his money. To transfer money from his brokerage account to his checking account, he has to call his broker. And she has my phone number.

Anyway, keep up the reports. It's nice having a kindred spirit out there.

 

[Time2]

Well it didn't go as I hoped. The nurses seemed aware of his metal situation, however he was released ater two days in the hospital. They got his pulse up from 40BPM to normal by stopping a heart drug he was on, and I think? they get his Glucose down from 269 to lower? by doubling his metformin. Bill Called me to pick him up, I called the nurses station and was wondering why they didn't release him to a care center, she said, was able to walk the hallway without any symptoms so we are releasing him, I protested it was not his physical ability it was concerned about it is his mental ability, it fell on deaf ears. I'll probably visit him at his house tomorrow, and try to help him get into his Fidelity account. I told him this when I was taking him home. He said, I can get into my fidelity account, I said, no you can't I have been there when you have tried, you don't have your login information. He continued to argue that he can. We need to get him in before he is found not able to take care of himself, and so he has money to pay for a senior care facility.

 

[Time2]

I had a bit of a frustrating day yesterday. John and his other friend went over to Bill's to get his larger monitor working and a few other things. We could not find the remote to make his larger monitor work. John went home and got one of his and we finally got the monitor to work. The computer is messed up with popups so bad, we couldn't do anything with half a dozen popups interfering. A malware program was run and it was much better, however the compuer had no audio. We worked on that for a while and finally gave up.
So, I started poking around, opening envelopes, I found 3 more RMD checks, all over the 90 day holding period. One of these had already been reissued, but two, About $11,000 will need to be reissued. I also found a letter from Wells Fargo advisors (brokerage) saying he had a Debit. So Bill and I went to the local Wells Fargo Bank, We talked with a banker and the brokerage she called on the phone, They said he owed $656! I quizzed them about what is the debit for? They could only say the account was transferred with the debit. Bill has zero memory of ever transferring the account, note, he had zero memory he even had a Wells Fargo Brokerage account, it was just lucky I opened the envelope. It turns out sometime in the past, he bought 500 shares of US Antimony Co. at around $0.45, and in the last year it has gone up to $7,38, or a value of about $3,500. The end result ,the bank said the $656 debit will be written of in April. So, Bill said he wanted to wait until April to close the brokerage account. Also he wants to open a checking, Savings and probable get a CD at the Wells Fargo bank, because it is walk-able distance from his house, Where he banks now requires him to get a ride. The banker at this point acted like she did not want to open the account so we left, but I do believe he will get a Wells Fargo Bank account and close the one he has now. I will note, Bill volunteered to the banker that his license was expired, which is what I thought he and the cops had said, it turns out it doesn't expire until May. So, soon I must get him out to get a state ID. He has all his bills on autopay, so I will have to do a slow transition, to get everything transferred over to Wells Fargo including his SS check deposit and close out his other bank. Now we get back to home and I ask him to log into his Fidelity account which I know he can't but he insists he can. The screen pops up telling him he must call an 800 number to solve some problems with his account to get online access. I may visit today and try to get that resolved.
I found to letters one from the DMV saying his license if revoked for medical reasons. In a second letter I found a Beneficiary form. We, John and I, have been after him for 15 years to make a will and he never got it done. He says everything will go to his two nephews and I keep telling him that won't happen unless he sets it up to happen. I tried to get him to fill it out, but it just went on the pile for later. Arrgh!

 

[Pluperfect]

The screen pops up telling him he must call an 800 number to solve some problems with his account to get online access. I may visit today and try to get that resolved.

Please don't look at that popup and call the number that's on it, especially in front of Bill. He probably won't remember, but still...you need to avoid normalizing responding to any prompts like that on his computer. Find what you know to be Fidelity's number on a statement and call that, and maybe make a post-it note with it for future use.

As I said above, the friend I'm helping has no online access to his accounts at all, and it's a massive relief to know he can't (as far as I know) get into trouble in that realm.

 

[Pluperfect]

We, John and I, have been after him for 15 years to make a will and he never got it done. He says everything will go to his two nephews and I keep telling him that won't happen unless he sets it up to happen

If his nephews are his closest relatives, the intestate succession laws might/probably will have everything going to him. They won't just be handed the money and will have to go through a process to get it, but none of that will happen until after Bill dies, and it sounds like Bill is the one you're focused on helping.

 

[Time2]

Ok, We spent 3 hrs at Bill's this morning, while John was working on getting the audio to work on Bill's computer, I wondered around looking for unopened envelopes. Lot's of unopened hospital bills, a collections bill, 35 or more cease and desist letters from Comcast telling him to stop downloading movies. He has over 250 of the latest movies. He doesn't watch them from what I can tell, but he is quite proud that he has them. I found and older 2012 TD Ameritrade statements, and a several Datek statements. He has no clue if he has the accounts or if he transferred the accounts.
We set him up with a new email address and called Fidelity and got his new email on the account, we also got his cellphone on the account. However as I mentioned before he could not get into his account the message said call an 800 number to find out what needs to be done. Somewhere along the line Fidelity decided he needs a power of attorney and will not let him back into his account until the proper Power Of Attorney forms are sent to Fidelity. While on the phone they did verify that the 3 out dated checks he is holding can be and they did, reissue those 3 checks. They would not direct deposit any checks until he has the Power of Attorney on file.
I found an envelope from his credit union with an Accidental Death and dismemberment policy for $300k, reduced 50% at age 70, he is already 86. The contract was signed 7-8-25. The cost is automatically withdrawn from his savings account. As you might suspect, he has zero need for this insurance, it is my understanding it is not Life insurance he has to die in an accident for the beneficiary to collect.
The next big thing is setting up a Power Of Attorney. Is there a chance to setup a temporary Power of Attorney, get Bill into his account again and then get out of the Power Of Attorney? and I don't want that responsibility! His nearest relative a nephew is 750 miles away. Giving him Power Of Attorney is kind of useless if he is not close enough to see the issues that need correcting.

 

[Time2]

I got Bill to the DMV and got him a State ID, only took one hour! Then he wanted to pay a hospital bill, so we went there, he left the bill(s) on the dash, I grabbed them, he said, no I don't need those, so I left them. First question, "do you have the bills" He said, I shouldn't need them, the agent kept looking and couldn't find any current bill. I finally said, Bill do you want me to get the bill out of the car. He said no. So we left bill(s) unpaid. Then we stopped at the bank to cancel the Accidental Death and Dismemberment policy. The said we had to call the insurance company that handles it. I got that taken care of and one $90 payment will be reimbursed. This policy date seems pretty close to when a nephew, the beneficiary of the policy was in town, so we are skeptical. I'm trying to track down the exact dates the nephew was in town.

 

[Al18]

FYI, for the past few years, any changes to a policy, canceled policy, etc communicated with the agent over the phone is always followed up by a email sent by the agent, for me to confirm. The change will not be made until I've confirmed by email.