I have decided I am an only child

[harllee]

I am 75 and "in theory" I have 2 younger sisters. My mother is 95 and was diagnosed with Alzheimers 5 years ago. Mother is in skilled nursing, totally bed bound. I am mother's financial POA and have spent many hours for 5 years making sure all finances taken care of. One sister lives 15 minutes from mother and was named HCPOA and I was named substitute. I live 1.5 hour away but frequently visit mother and mother still remembers me. The other 2 sisters hardly ever visit and mother does not recognize them. The sister who is close by and was HCPOA announced a few months ago that she did not want to be HCPOA (she said it was too stressful and depressing) so she resigned and I took that over in addition to being financial POA. All this has caused me much anger, resentment and stress. I went to a therapist and the therapist had a great suggestion--she suggested that I pretend I am an only child, acknowledge to myself that it is hard and time consuming but I am going to do the best I can for my mother because I am the only child she has. As crazy as it sounds this mind trick has worked. After doing this for about a month I am less stressed and less angry and resentful. I just thought that there might be someone else on this board that might be helped by this tip.

 

[Texas Proud]

Well, congrats on getting over the resentment... some people are just not cut out to do what you are doing...

BTW, I have 5 siblings and did all the financial stuff for my mom the last say 15 years of her life.. My oldest sister did a lot of things with mom, but did not take care of much.. now she did drive her to Dr appts etc... the other 4 lived a distance and did not do that much..

I DID get pissed off that last year of my mom's life when one of my sisters was yelling at me how I 'controlled' my mom's money... so much so I hung up on her and did not speak to her for a couple of months.. my oldest sister tried to set her straight telling her that I had tried to get mom to buy nicer things and at times did it without her even asking...

All my siblings were shocked when she passed and all kids and grand kids got big money from her estate... nobody knew how much I had helped grow her estate...

I never did use your hack... I just did it because nobody else was stepping up to help and I did not want my mom to suffer...

 

[harllee]

Thanks Texas. I am sure it is true in most families--one child ends up doing most of the caregiving. My mother is in a nice skilled nursing facility in the CCRC where she lived many years. It is a fee for services type facility, monthly cost is $12,000. She has some LTC insurance but that runs out soon (the problems I had getting the LTC insurance to pay is another story). Mother has some assets but they are going pretty fast at $12,000 per month. It is a good thing I no long have any siblings because if I did they would be mad that I spent all mother's money getting good care for her.

 

[MC Rider]

Well, that's hard. But stress and resentment are no good. So it is good you have been able to deal with them, and keep moving on. Keep it up. Cheers.

 

[street]

I was the person also for both parents. A 10 year stretch combined for both of them as POA. All financial and business and medical decisions were on me. My one sister did nothing. I never held a grudge and I am good friends with her and get along good. Life is to short for hate.

I'm glad your story worked out well and your mom was very lucky to have a great son like You.

 

[MichaelB]

A novel approach to sibling issues and caring for a parent. Nicely done, Harllee

 

[Koolau]

I am 75 and "in theory" I have 2 younger sisters. My mother is 95 and was diagnosed with Alzheimers 5 years ago. Mother is in skilled nursing, totally bed bound. I am mother's financial POA and have spent many hours for 5 years making sure all finances taken care of. One sister lives 15 minutes from mother and was named HCPOA and I was named substitute. I live 1.5 hour away but frequently visit mother and mother still remembers me. The other 2 sisters hardly ever visit and mother does not recognize them. The sister who is close by and was HCPOA announced a few months ago that she did not want to be HCPOA (she said it was too stressful and depressing) so she resigned and I took that over in addition to being financial POA. All this has caused me much anger, resentment and stress. I went to a therapist and the therapist had a great suggestion--she suggested that I pretend I am an only child, acknowledge to myself that it is hard and time consuming but I am going to do the best I can for my mother because I am the only child she has. As crazy as it sounds this mind trick has worked. After doing this for about a month I am less stressed and less angry and resentful. I just thought that there might be someone else on this board that might be helped by this tip.

Too late for me. I've shared before that I was care-giver for both parents who, over a period of 15 years suffered Alzheimer's. I was able to keep them in their home for a long time, but eventually, they serially had to go to memory care. I think my sister who lived an hour away visited once or twice other than at Christmas. I simply made a choice NOT to let it bother me. I guess that's similar to thinking of myself as an only child. BUT it WAS a choice.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I helped my mom take care of my dad after he had a massive stroke for 14 years. Shortly before he died, we had to move across the country for my career when I finished graduate school.

When my mom had surgery and needed help, I would fly back home and stay for two weeks to help her. Eventually, as time went on, she started to need more help because she had three bouts of cancer. Once she would recover, she would go on to living independently by herself and would be fine until the next time.

By then my two siblings that lived nearby were retired, and they had to help then because they had no choice. I still continued to use all my vacation and sick time to fly out to help when needed.

If I hadn’t moved away, it would’ve just been just me doing everything like it was with my dad. It always seems to end up that way in families that one person does all the work.

 

[CalBird]

Forgiveness is a choice!

 

[Koolau]

Yeah, my mom was the one who usually took our family to grandpa/grandma's house for Sunday dinner. Of course, she did the cooking. It was a 45 minute drive while most of her brothers and her sister lived 5 minutes to 15 minutes away.

Mom always checked the house to be sure there was plenty of food and that her mom and dad were surviving on their own. When time came to get them some live-in help, mom was the one who arranged it. Again, the remainder of her family let her do all the w*rk.

I guess I learned the responsibility from my mom, though my sister was there too and should have picked up on what kids should do for their parents.

BUT that's water under the bridge now. I don't really believe in Karma, but I hope that when my time comes, someone steps up. Of course what I really hope is just not to wake up some morning.

 

[Koolau]

Forgiveness is a choice!

Very true. I think I've forgiven my sister and yet that niggling little irritation sometimes returns. Once again, I have to pray for forgiveness - my forgiveness of my sister. I'll get there. We do have a good relationship now. And I feel very good that I was able to help my parents. The "only child" model is likely a good one for me to adopt.

 

[anethum]

You have to do whatever works for you.

My life would have been easier if I had been an only child. Instead I have a brother who refused to do anything to help our parents who had both done so much for both of us.

My dad died at home after years of decline and right after my dad's body was taken away, my mom hugged me and said, "I couldn't have done it without you." My brother didn't even bother coming over to our parents' house the evening dad died.

A few months later, my mom's dementia began and I did whatever was necessary so that she could remain in her home. She ultimately died at home 8 long years later at age 101.

I was angry with my brother during most of those years, but by the time my mom died, I had almost no contact with him anymore and felt better that way. He was away on vacation when our mom died and chose not to come back for the funeral. Now that our parents are gone, my brother & I have zero contact though we live near one another. Our relatives have no contact with him, either. I'm going to a family wedding next month that he wasn't invited to.

 

[target2019]

It's a good feeling when you get down the road (7 years now for us) and can say, "We did the best for Mom and Dad, and for our siblings."

Yes, it took awhile for the unnecessary hurt to recede.

 

[Koolau]

It's a good feeling when you get down the road (7 years now for us) and can say, "We did the best for Mom and Dad, and for our siblings."

Yes, it took awhile for the unnecessary hurt to recede.

Very good point. Time does heal all wounds.

 

[Aerides]

Forgiveness is a choice!

When it's earned or requested, sure. Doesn't sound like it in this case.

But looks like OP has found an approach that works for her instead of continuing to be disappointed by those that aren't doing the bare minimum, let alone a balance of the work.

This way Harllee gets to put her energies into helping her Mom without any (reasonable!) expectations of help, and preserve her own mental health.

Harllee, the only thing I'd suggest is that you talk through this in more detail with your therapist. There might be some grief to factor in as these relationships end.

 

[Dtail]

Interesting suggestion. Glad it worked for you.
I take care of all my mom's finances and 2 other siblings help out with many other non financial stuff. So far it is working (mom is still officially independent).

 

[Out of Steam]

Sometimes, tough decisions are necessary in dealing with aging and poor health. Over the weekend, my wife and I were with a couple we know who realized that the niece they had named to manage their affairs wouldn't be able to because of her daughter's health.

They were seeing their attorney to make plans that would designate the law firm to manage their affairs, with some assistance in decision-making from a younger friend.

 

[SecondCor521]

harllee, that is a hard road to be on. Caring for a parent with dementia is wearying enough. And five years is a long time in that role. Then the disappointment when siblings won't step up just compounds things. My sisters were really helpful with our Dad and I am grateful for them, but I can still empathize on the five year taking care of a parent with dementia (I too was both financial and health care POA).

I am glad the therapist gave you a useful suggestion. I hope you also are taking care of yourself in terms of rest, dealing with stress, nutrition / hydration, and having the rest of your life outside of your caregiving role. I'm sure you know about the various resources out there and I hope you take advantage of those support structures when you need them.

 

[Ronstar]

Thanks for your story OP. I’ll share it with DW. Glad your therapist’s suggestion is working for you.

DW visits her 97 yo mother almost daily. Makes her lunch, washes her hair, helps with her bath, dr appointments, grocery shopping. Her brother lives 6 hours away and visits a few times a year. Her sister lives 1.5 hours away and visits/ takes their mom to appointments maybe one day a month. DW is frustrated and hopefully your story will help her.

 

[PlayinwithFIRE]

Sorry-and I understand. ..I'm sure this jedi mind trick will work until they all show up with their hands out to divy up moms worldy belongings.

We drive 14 hours to support Mom when there is a sibling 3 minutes by car who can't seem to "find the time" to help her.

pwf

 

[Texas Proud]

I wonder how much of this is that he is the oldest? Me, I am the youngest... but older brother did not come around that much so there was no way he was doing it...

 

[skyking1]

My wife went through much the same from her much older brothers. She was seen as the daughter that was conceived to care for the parents. They are all gone now, but only one of her brothers was an ally, and only by proxy. We commiserate with you Harlee.

 

[Tetto]

I am 75 and "in theory" I have 2 younger sisters. My mother is 95 and was diagnosed with Alzheimers 5 years ago. Mother is in skilled nursing, totally bed bound. I am mother's financial POA and have spent many hours for 5 years making sure all finances taken care of. One sister lives 15 minutes from mother and was named HCPOA and I was named substitute. I live 1.5 hour away but frequently visit mother and mother still remembers me. The other 2 sisters hardly ever visit and mother does not recognize them. The sister who is close by and was HCPOA announced a few months ago that she did not want to be HCPOA (she said it was too stressful and depressing) so she resigned and I took that over in addition to being financial POA. All this has caused me much anger, resentment and stress. I went to a therapist and the therapist had a great suggestion--she suggested that I pretend I am an only child, acknowledge to myself that it is hard and time consuming but I am going to do the best I can for my mother because I am the only child she has. As crazy as it sounds this mind trick has worked. After doing this for about a month I am less stressed and less angry and resentful. I just thought that there might be someone else on this board that might be helped by this tip.

I’m sorry this falls all on you. I too have two brothers and I’m the youngest and HCPOA and finance POA for my mom who has dementia. My brothers did nothing for 8 years while I did everything, and still do. I had to shame my oldest brother into even just visiting mom. It sounds like you have everything under control. Is your mom in hospice? If not, investigate that, it helps tremendously and you’ll get a little help too.

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

I am 75 and "in theory" I have 2 younger sisters. My mother is 95 and was diagnosed with Alzheimers 5 years ago. Mother is in skilled nursing, totally bed bound. I am mother's financial POA and have spent many hours for 5 years making sure all finances taken care of. One sister lives 15 minutes from mother and was named HCPOA and I was named substitute. I live 1.5 hour away but frequently visit mother and mother still remembers me. The other 2 sisters hardly ever visit and mother does not recognize them. The sister who is close by and was HCPOA announced a few months ago that she did not want to be HCPOA (she said it was too stressful and depressing) so she resigned and I took that over in addition to being financial POA. All this has caused me much anger, resentment and stress. I went to a therapist and the therapist had a great suggestion--she suggested that I pretend I am an only child, acknowledge to myself that it is hard and time consuming but I am going to do the best I can for my mother because I am the only child she has. As crazy as it sounds this mind trick has worked. After doing this for about a month I am less stressed and less angry and resentful. I just thought that there might be someone else on this board that might be helped by this tip.

I vicariously feel your pain. I was the "CEO" of our parent's financial and medical lives. However, I was across the ocean, and another sib was across the continent. The third sib was in the state where our last remaining parent, my father, lived most of his adult life. When it came time for him to need more care, each of us offered him the choice of being in an assisted living facility close to one of us. He chose his oldest daughter in the state where is spent most of his time.

The AL facility was about a 15 minute drive from my sib's house. She visited very frequently. She volunteered there. She was frequently angry with the facility for perceived inadequacies in his care. She was angry with her sister, who lived across the continent because that sib didn't have the pain of dealing with our father. I was mostly left out of the anger because I listened and empathized, gave problem-solving strategies, reached out to our other sib, and controlled the money.

I'm sure my sister's anger was not good for her. She did eventually mend fences with our other sib, but then became angry with me. She died a few years after our father. A very sad situation.

Please take care of your physical and emotional needs and don't let anger and resentment continue.

 

[braumeister]

Your therapist's suggestion makes sense to me. I actually was an only child, and went through all that with my parents. Since I didn't have any siblings, I never felt any resentment about the situation.