" Maybe you retired too soon?"

[Flyfish1]

So just venting here ...mostly.
We went back to our old state for a big party and caught up with friends from my work. It was fun and great to see everyone although I truly don't miss the area. At one point my friend invited us to go to Europe with them this Sept. and stay in their apartment. Very gracious, but I don't really want to stay in their apartment and would get a hotel. As I was not all that interested and frankly flights to Europe and hotels for several days was not in the budget , I told my friend, " not really in the budget right now" . His reply was " maybe you retired too early?" Ouch. Earlier he told me he can't retire yet and will need to work at least 5-8 more years. Meanwhile I just spent all of March in Australia and NZ , and have travel booked for the next two years. I told him this and he just blew it off.

Anyways it kind of stung but I am the guy who retired at 59 , travel routinely , have a boat, etc. and he is still working. I think going forward I should build an open line item for unexpected travel such as his offer. Right now with big trips looming I don't have that much budgetary freedom. And I won't just take on credit card debt to go on his short notice trip.

 

[Dtail]

Never underestimate the concept of jealousy with early retirement abilities of one vs. not of the other.

 

[Aerides]

idk, you mentioned not having the budget, he responded...how most people would.

When someone in the normal world says it's not in the budget, it implies money is tight. Simple as that. Maybe rephrase your response to "we've been away a lot lately and are enjoying the time at home" and problem solved.

Besides, it sounds like the main reason was you just didn't want to go, and you used budget as an (not entirely the whole story) excuse.

 

[target2019]

Flyfish1, that was him testing you, probing for weakness. He/she needs to bask in the superiority of working human. Even the offer of a joint vacation in their Euro flat was an attempt to get up on you. That sounds like a horrible week or so, TBH.

 

[Aerides]

Flyfish1, that was him testing you, probing for weakness. He/she needs to bask in the superiority of working human. Even the offer of a joint vacation in their Euro flat was an attempt to get up on you. That sounds like a horrible week or so, TBH.

Most people just aren't that mean. They had just asked him to join them on vacation, so who then turns and "tests' a good friend for "weakness" just like that?

More likely, as in 99% of human friendly interaction, he just said whatever he thought in the moment, in response to the OP's comment about a limited budget.

And, if anyone has good friends that they suspect are "probing for weakness" consider dropping them, because that's not what friends do! And if anyone thinks it's cool to ever test/probe your friends....be a better friend.

Not everyone is that retched...

 

[JoeWras]

Yikes! Maybe I was the jerk. I routinely told my good friend he "failed retirement" when he went back to work. It was all in good fun... I think.

He is back to being retired. If he goes back to work again, I'll keep my mouth shut.

 

[marko]

Anyways it kind of stung but I am the guy who retired at 59 , travel routinely , have a boat, etc. he is still working. I think going forward I should build an open line item for unexpected travel such as his offer. Right now with big trips looming I don't have that much budgetary freedom. And I won't just take on credit card debt to go on his short notice trip.

Keep that mindset!! Shortly after I (involuntarily) REd, I'd learn of some idiot I knew getting promoted or landing a good position. Brought out a bit of jealousy in me...until I reminded myself that I was the one living in southern France (at the time), spending my days drinking wine, eating baguettes while there was two feet of snow back home.

There's always going to be some thoughtless comment coming off of some wall you don't expect...stay focused on your 'wins' and not what anyone else has to say.

See my signature: Living well is the best revenge.

Then again, an early retirement is often so foreign to many people that they just assume you have unlimited funds at your disposal....how else could you stop working unless you had billions to spend?

 

[RetiredHappy]

I don't think his response was meant to be mean. For us, I have a budget and spreadsheet for cash flow and were our spendings go to. For travel, it varies from $20K to $40K. $20K is in my "budget" but if we need to go to $30K, it just becomes "actual" once it passes. We simply replenish by pulling more from our taxable brokerage accounts.

 

[brett]

Comments like that are 'water off a ducks back' to us.

We have had a few of those types of comments from spend thrift inlaws. We also get the 'you are so lucky' routine.

Regular as clockwork every time they find out we have been on an extended travel trip or are planning one.

We consider the source and move on with our life. Never give them a second thought. Why would we?

 

[jollystomper]

Most of us in this community who are FIREd really do not want people to know how well off we are. There have been more than a few threads along the lines of "do others know your financial situation?"

So we should not be surprised, and in fact should expect, comments as the OP described, when we are living the life we choose. For example, a few of DW's friends expressed "concern" to her when I retired and she was still working, thinking that she had to work since I did not have a job. Or ,me commenting about not wanting to spend X amount on a car, and the reply along the lines of how tough finances must be when one is retired.

I do not find any of these remotely insulting. In fact, I find them amusing. Let them think our money is tight, and/or that we need to budget in retirement. Heck, let them think we eat cat food and want to offer us the occasional meal. I prefer to fly "under the radar" and have folks think we have a lot less.

 

[yhoomajor]

I wouldn't want to spend a week with "such a friend".. anywhere!

 

[Gumby]

One of the special joys of retirement is that I don't have to care what anyone else thinks. Well, except for the young wife.

 

[Flyfish1]

idk, you mentioned not having the budget, he responded...how most people would.

When someone in the normal world says it's not in the budget, it implies money is tight. Simple as that. Maybe rephrase your response to "we've been away a lot lately and are enjoying the time at home" and problem solved.

Besides, it sounds like the main reason was you just didn't want to go, and you used budget as an (not entirely the whole story) excuse.

Good point- I probably should have phrased it differently.

All good points from everyone- especially marko !

 

[tutan]

Such comment is something easy to joke around with a close friend. So to me, he does not seem like close enough of a friend if the comment bothers you and you are mulling it over..and not close enough to spend a week with.

 

[Koolau]

Yeah, we here all take FIRE pretty seriously. I wouldn't take it too personally that others do not. I know lots of people who are expert at saying something inappropriate and I just let it slide. They're good in lots of other ways - like your friend who offered a free apartment stay. I'd say that covers a lot of insensitive utterances. Just consider the source and move on.

 

[freedomatlast]

Why do you care what he thinks or says as long as you are happy?

I wouldn't give it a second thought.

 

[Chuckanut]

The OP’s friend appears to be a great example of the Dunning-Kruger effect in full action mode.

 

[ut2sua]

I told my friend, " not really in the budget right now" . His reply was " maybe you retired too early?" Ouch.

Here is how I read this: you were being honest, trying to be a bit down to earth with your friend (because your response could have been: I can't, I have already booked my 2nd month long trip to Europe in a month etc, but this would have sounded a bit arrogant so you did not do so).
Your friend was a bit uneasy with the fact you retired and they were not (because their response could have been: Oh, too bad, but we really wish you could be there etc.)
What I could not decode was:
1- Your friend thought it was a real mistake that you retired since $ was tight for you. OR
2- Your friend attempted to get back to you (just a tiny bit) for having to deal with the fact that you retired and they were not.

 

[Route246]

Good point- I probably should have phrased it differently.

All good points from everyone- especially marko !

Consider this, your "wealth" to him and perhaps others is "stealth wealth" which means they will probably never come asking you for a favor, for an investment or a handout. I know people who pretend and they are always complaining about friends and family members with their hands out or someone seeking seed money for a can't miss venture or other "charity giving." It is so much easier to never be considered a potential benefactor.

 

[Koolau]

Why do you care what he thinks or says as long as you are happy?

I wouldn't give it a second thought.

+1

 

[zangbao]

Anyways it kind of stung but I am the guy who retired at 59 , travel routinely , have a boat, etc. and he is still working. I think going forward I should build an open line item for unexpected travel such as his offer. Right now with big trips looming I don't have that much budgetary freedom. And I won't just take on credit card debt to go on his short notice trip.

I don't understand why his comment stung. Nor why are you even planning to respond to his potential future plans.

You're retired. Be the main character in your life and not be a background player in his.

 

[Badger]

I had a close friend of many decades who would tease me on occasion about being frugal while he bought new cars, high priced guitars, and go out regularly to restaurants, etc. His income was twice what I was making. It didn't bother me. We each had our own way of living and I was comfortable about my plans. His spending finally caught up with him and eventually lost everything and was forced to live on a tiny SS. Before he died he finally admitted that he should have thought more about his future and that maybe I had the right idea.
If you enjoy your friendship then just let the comments go. It sound like he wishes that he was out of the work environment and enjoying retirement like you are. But it would be rare that he would/could change his habits.

 

[marko]

I had a close friend of many decades who would tease me on occasion about being frugal while he bought new cars, high priced guitars, and go out regularly to restaurants, etc. His income was twice what I was making. It didn't bother me. We each had our own way of living and I was comfortable about my plans. His spending finally caught up with him and eventually lost everything and was forced to live on a tiny SS. Before he died he finally admitted that he should have thought more about his future and that maybe I had the right idea.
If you enjoy your friendship then just let the comments go. It sound like he wishes that he was out of the work environment and enjoying retirement like you are. But it would be rare that he would/could change his habits.

+1. Happens a lot!

But there's a flip side: DW had a good friend who made good money but spent like crazy. A bit of a disease.

A new diamond watch every few months, exotic trips, $7,000 handbags, Christmas in St Barths, etc etc. She was always short and she'd sort of brag that the electric/gas/telephone company had shut off her service! She just didn't care. She sold her house for $2MM but after 20 years of owning it, walked away with $20k!

Well, sadly, she became very sick and died fairly young...in her $10,000 a month apartment. It never caught up to her. Certainly the exception and not any way of life I'd want.

 

[Closet_Gamer]

You also never know what is going on keeping someone working. I have a friend who is about 60 and he's done very well over the years. He's also done a good job saving, investing, etc.

He told me he's going to keep going another few years so that he can afford $100k/yr of travel expenses when he retires. He's also clearly wanting to be able to leave his kids a pile of money.

I have very different priorities and perspectives on these topics. If I wanted to be able to spending $100k/yr on travel, I'd still be driving to the office everyday too.

 

[Diogenes]

Keep that mindset!! Shortly after I (involuntarily) REd, I'd learn of some idiot I knew getting promoted or landing a good position. Brought out a bit of jealousy in me...until I reminded myself that I was the one living in southern France (at the time), spending my days drinking wine, eating baguettes while there was two feet of snow back home.

There's always going to be some thoughtless comment coming off of some wall you don't expect...stay focused on your 'wins' and not what anyone else has to say.

See my signature: Living well is the best revenge.

Then again, an early retirement is often so foreign to many people that they just assume you have unlimited funds at your disposal....how else could you stop working unless you had billions to spend?

That's certainly true, but "living well" requires a self-awareness that's not easy to develop, whether we're still working, freshly retired, or have been retired for decades.

Of particular importance is to have options... quit if one wants to, return to work (whether from FIRE or conventional retirement) if one wants to, and so on. Even if one's life is comfortable and well-settled, it doesn't necessarily follow, that options are forthcoming. Neither does it even follow that having lots of money, a small withdrawal percentage, an exquisitely crafted portfolio, and so on, guarantee options. Options come from a poise, maybe an aplomb; a belief that our core choices, have been wise. The more neurotic among us, may not have such belief... even if an objective observer might indeed bless our choices as "wise".