Need Some Sage Advice

[Teacher Terry]

You people all make me happy that I never had any kids (as far as I know).

I have to say I am so grateful that I had two of my three kids. I spend time with my oldest son and his wife every week as they live local and they are really a blessing.

My other son lives in Vietnam and I see him every year or two and When I got my divorce 4 years ago, he came home and moved in with me for a year. He remodeled my entire condo and it was nice having him around for that year.

It worked out well for him because he had to leave Vietnam because of the pandemic and then he was able to do contract work while he lived with me. After that year, he wanted to return to Vietnam to work as a teacher.

 

[FedRetired50]

I felt many of these stories as I read through this thread. I had a rough patch in my late teens and early 20s as I learned to live on my own. A mother with mental health issues and who also ran my life didn't leave me with the tools I needed to live on my own when I left for college, so I fell on my face when I was 750 miles away from home. Happily no addictions or anything like that, I just needed time to grow up. Quit college after 2 years, moved out and worked in the real world. My father instilled a good work ethic starting when I was 13 so I knew how to make a buck. I always knew I needed that parchment so I put myself through college and ended up near the top of my class, graduating at 27, recruited into my career, and retired at 50. But when I was still young and maturing I married someone who turned out to be an addict which blew up 8 years ago. My case was stunted emotional development due to my mother's problems, which also attracted another permanently stunted person as my now-ex wife. But I always took personal responsibility and knew I needed to do well, if anything to "show them". Things are great now, including a very stable, mature and attractive fiancé.

My youngest daughter has excelled, she'll be making 6 figures soon when she starts the 2nd year of her career, and she enjoys what she's doing. Her older sister ... not so much. She lives with me, still, at 25. Doesn't accept responsibility for anything, lies at times, spends so much time in her room gaming. She's held 2 jobs long-term, but got fired from her main job in the spring and went on what she describes as a deserved wild spending spree (her mother's 2nd addiction was a spending problem; the echoes are deafening). Took advantage of me, telling me she didn't have any money because she had been fired, so I covered all of her expenses for months. I've since reviewed her accounts and know that was far from true. And have been repaid. Working on a budget, that's our next step. But she's never worked full time and has come up with every excuse why she can't. Mostly blaming every problem in her life on ADHD (she was diagnosed when she was young), and when she sends me some latest Tik Toc video that "explains" how this thing, or that thing, is always because of ADHD, I always point out that this latest "thing" is something 95% of all adults deal with on a daily basis. But I'm always told I'm wrong. There are glimmers that she'll turn out as a responsible adult and maybe she just needs extra time like I did. Buys all her own food, has kept jobs long-term, is occasionally unexpectantly generous. We funded a 529 for her, and she's 2/3 through college, if she would just get ANY degree her income could double (ignoring that pesky full-time thing). It is all about that personal responsibility. We'll have a cross-roads soon enough, I'm getting re-married and at some point we'll combine households. My daughter will be forced to spread her wings at that point. And I'm going to have to let her fall on her face, if necessary.

 

[Joylush]

I felt many of these stories as I read through this thread. I had a rough patch in my late teens and early 20s as I learned to live on my own. A mother with mental health issues and who also ran my life didn't leave me with the tools I needed to live on my own when I left for college, so I fell on my face when I was 750 miles away from home. Happily no addictions or anything like that, I just needed time to grow up. Quit college after 2 years, moved out and worked in the real world. My father instilled a good work ethic starting when I was 13 so I knew how to make a buck. I always knew I needed that parchment so I put myself through college and ended up near the top of my class, graduating at 27, recruited into my career, and retired at 50. But when I was still young and maturing I married someone who turned out to be an addict which blew up 8 years ago. My case was stunted emotional development due to my mother's problems, which also attracted another permanently stunted person as my now-ex wife. But I always took personal responsibility and knew I needed to do well, if anything to "show them". Things are great now, including a very stable, mature and attractive fiancé.

My youngest daughter has excelled, she'll be making 6 figures soon when she starts the 2nd year of her career, and she enjoys what she's doing. Her older sister ... not so much. She lives with me, still, at 25. Doesn't accept responsibility for anything, lies at times, spends so much time in her room gaming. She's held 2 jobs long-term, but got fired from her main job in the spring and went on what she describes as a deserved wild spending spree (her mother's 2nd addiction was a spending problem; the echoes are deafening). Took advantage of me, telling me she didn't have any money because she had been fired, so I covered all of her expenses for months. I've since reviewed her accounts and know that was far from true. And have been repaid. Working on a budget, that's our next step. But she's never worked full time and has come up with every excuse why she can't. Mostly blaming every problem in her life on ADHD (she was diagnosed when she was young), and when she sends me some latest Tik Toc video that "explains" how this thing, or that thing, is always because of ADHD, I always point out that this latest "thing" is something 95% of all adults deal with on a daily basis. But I'm always told I'm wrong. There are glimmers that she'll turn out as a responsible adult and maybe she just needs extra time like I did. Buys all her own food, has kept jobs long-term, is occasionally unexpectantly generous. We funded a 529 for her, and she's 2/3 through college, if she would just get ANY degree her income could double (ignoring that pesky full-time thing). It is all about that personal responsibility. We'll have a cross-roads soon enough, I'm getting re-married and at some point we'll combine households. My daughter will be forced to spread her wings at that point. And I'm going to have to let her fall on her face, if necessary.

Yes, I have found, the more you do for them the less they do for themselves. Continuing to bale them out and protect them from the consequences of their choices does them a disservice.

 

[Mytimenow]

Hello All,

I am reaching out because I know some of you may have experienced what my wife and I are going through. I have been fully retired since Feb 2022. Retired at 63. I am also retired Air Force. We have three children and for the most part, 2 of the 3 are doing well with their careers. Then there is that one child who just can't make the right decisions. He is a collge grad who chooses to work in a restaurant and has not used his degree for anything. As a child he went through periods of anxiety that we did notice or were unaware of. He asks for advice but never heeds or listens to any. He doesn't make enough money to pay his bills and we have gotten him out of many financial messes by paying his rent, utilties and food. We have voiced our thoughts on his situation. To no avail. The last time we paid his rent, I made the decision that it would be the last time. We can't keep helping when he makes mistakes. He is 39 years old and has no retirement. No savings. No car. No property. Nothing. He is in no better shape than when he graduated from high school. He is in debt and we just found out that he is going to be evicted. My wife and I told him that the last time we paid his rent would be the last time. This was about 2-3 months ago. So today I sit with a broken heart because my son is one day short of living on the streets.

We have offered to let him stay with us so that he could pay down his debt which also consists of student loans. We offered this twice. The idea was for him to take all his earnings and apply them to his debt. He did not take us up on this option becasue he did not want to live under our rules. How do you tell someone they have issues and that they need to get help that we offered to pay for? He has drug and alcohol issues and lies when we ask if he is doing drugs/alcohol. He moved from Austin to San Antonio because he was also evicted there. He goes through jobs frequently and when you ask him, it is always someone else's fault. The restaurant owner, the manager, the head server, the kitchen. He doesn't realize that in each instance he is the common denominator. He is the problem.

So what to do? We can't keep enabling him and yet we feel like crap because we can easily pay his rent with stipulations that he never follows. He has no girlfriend and has never been married. I am torn as is my wife. No one wants this for their child. It has become so bad that I await a phone call notifying me of the worse that could happen. He has no relationship with us nor his brother or sister. We always thought that of the three kids, he would be the most sucessful. This did not happen.

So I ask those of you who may have gone through this, what do you do? I have reached the end of my rope and can not bring myself to get him out of another jam. I just can't. How do you help someone who doesn't help themselves? As a parent you always want your kids to succeed. To do better than you. How can I get him to do this?

Are there any agencies or programs that he may go to get help? Due to his age, I can't force him to get help. We are lost and sad.

Thank you all for getting to the end of my story. I just feel that someone mighthave something to share with us. TIA.

I unfortunately don't have any good advice because I am in a similar situation with my son. The hardest part of this is that I feel so helpless to fix and alone with the problem, so I find a little comfort in that that there are others struggling with a similar situation.

 

[Dtail]

Besides my story about my son, I have a brother who is living with us and will be most likely for the rest of his life.
He has high functioning autism. I promised my parents that I would take him in.
He can be annoying at times, but overall he lives in harmony with us.
He is retired and my father set him up enough for a reasonable retirement. I manage his finances and many other things.
We get a break 3x yearly when he visits my siblings/mom for a total of around 7 weeks.
Thankfully, my fiance is onboard with loving him too.