Never Count On An Inheritance

[badatmath]

I heard a term the other day "facebook grandparents". In other words they want to post the cute photos but have no interest in the actual grandkids.

My parents were somewhat like this. They wanted to pretend an interest in their kids but didn't really have any.

 

[Route246]

“Speaking hypothetically about a friend” — in situations where there are two heirs, one that’s financially independent and another who isn’t, things can become complicated. The issue often surfaces around how to handle assets, especially when the surviving parent lives a long and full life. Over time, frustration can build for the sibling who’s been waiting for an inheritance, particularly if they’ve been counting on it to change their circumstances.

When that parent eventually passes, it’s interesting to see the contrast in how the siblings respond. The financially independent one may quietly manage their grief, invest or save their share, and move forward while deeply missing their last living parent. Meanwhile, the less independent sibling might see the inheritance as a life-changing windfall — spending freely and treating it like a lottery win.

It can be heartbreaking to watch someone view their parents’ longevity or delayed passing as an inconvenience rather than a blessing. The sibling who’s grieving feels the sadness of becoming an adult orphan, while the other seems focused only on finally accessing what they saw as “their turn.”

It’s a tough dynamic — one that probably happens more often now that medical advances allow people to live healthy lives well into their 80s and 90s.

 

[youbet]

I would prefer to keep any details of a future inheritance from our only child. But, since we are now gifting him, DDIL and the grandkids annually as part of a plan to minimize Illinois estate tax costs, it seems the cat is out of the bag, at least in general terms.

 

[street]

I visit an Uncle, we have pretty good conversations about stuff, I help him with some online computer stuff, change light bulbs etc.
He offers me large amounts of $$ now and then, and I turn it down.
I just try to make sure he doesn't get ripped off.

I know I'm destined for nothing from his estate, I've read his trust and helped with TOD/POD settings, and that's relieving in a sense as nobody can suggest I was in it for the $$$$$$$$.

Exactly how I feel.

 

[akck]

My wife intends to leave each son a low six figure inheritance plus whatever proceeds they can get for the house. They would prefer that we go out with $0. When I was planning for retirement, I never included receiving an inheritance in my calculations. It would be a big mistake especially since you’d have in idea of the amount.

 

[Trailwalker]

Since I manage my mom's investments, I know exactly what is there. Unless there is a long stay in a LTC facility, there will be monies in the end.
Certainly not factoring it in with retirement planning and spending.

I'm in the same situation with my Mom's finances. She was very frugal for her entire life. Since my dad died, she has increased her spending and experiences. It's been good to see her doing some blow that dough that my Dad wasn't interested in.

 

[Blanche]

My 85 year-old father with health problems let my brother and me know that he needed to sell one of his two condos to fund his care. He was very apologetic, and said several times that he always wanted us to have it. It’s hard to describe the feeling that we both had when we instantly replied, “Thank you, but do not worry about it. Do what you need to do.”

For both my self-sufficient brother and me, one word for the feeling might be “priceless.” Both of us have worked, saved and invested and an inheritance is no part of either of our plans. Not having to depend on the kindness of others is a very worthwhile state to pursue.

Indeed.

My parents and I have been estranged for years. They graciously let me know a decade ago that I was cut out of the will, and therefore getting nothing. I responded, equally graciously, with a "Thank You!"

While I am not multi-millionaire, and am in fact worried about a major employer restructuring in 2026, I am confident that we will be ok. Knowing that I do not have to depend on anyone's kindness, and knowing that I am my own person is priceless!

 

[marko]

Married/partnered couples rarely die together. A typical scenario is where the remaining spouse, now likely elderly has to deal with the finances alone. Often it is the spouse with no idea.

Having a trusted adult child being fully aware of "what goes where", how the bills are paid and what income/NW is involved, well beforehand can be invaluable.

And likely even more so for the estate in the event that both pass together.

 

[Markola]

^^^ Fortunately, my dad has taken care of his will, medical directive and gave my brother and me power of attorney. And he’s introduced us to his financial advisor and made us known to his bank with some kind of official access. We know what he has, where it is, and are really glad he opened everything up to us so we can help and know what to do when the time comes.

To each, their own, but it would be so much harder for us as executives to have to sort out what he set up and fulfill his wishes after the fact.

 

[Koolau]

I monitored my mom's money as she slipped into Alzheimer's and was admitted to a memory care unit. She had shared where she stood, financially for many years after dad died. She had enough to live comfortably but the nursing facility was quickly draining her remaining funds - even though she had an LTC insurance policy.

It was clear to me that, if anything, I would have to do any leg w*rk for Medicade or help her pay. BUT she passed with just enough to pay the final nursing home bill. There was perhaps a thousand left after final expenses (pre-paid funeral).

I was happy that she "broke even" as the Gambler said.

 

[Markola]

^^^ I mean, we all have to go, and that sounds like the best way to do it under the difficult circumstances, Koolau.

 

[OddGuy]

In the late 90's, my Dad sat us down (we were in our 30's) and shared that he and my mom had amassed a high 7 figure portfolio, to be split evenly among us. The scenario involved a trust for a family member who couldn't handle money, and my sibling and I were to be trustees.

About 15 years later, as Dad's faculties diminished, he consolidated assets with a Certified Financial Planner in a fiduciary relationship. My sibling and I received monthly statements. Following Dad's passing, the statements continued to our mom and us, and we had access to the CFP to discuss strategies as the account progressed through the low 8 figures.

So with decades of knowledge and access to specific figures at any time, it felt disingenuous to act like there would be no inheritance at all. Rather, I was able to view this as equivalent to an illiquid investment with potential risks attached.

This knowledge triggered multiple states of mind across the years:
1. I took larger risks in business, as I didn't have the same cautiousness I would if I thought there was zero safety net.
2. Simultaneously, I knew I never wanted to tap that safety net, so I focused on proving I could earn enough to never need an inheritance.
3. I wanted to honor the gift of mental ease they provided by modeling my spending, giving, and sharing on their example. So I now give more to charity than ever before, and give annual gifts to the kids, with the understanding that I want them to have enough financial peach of mind to build their own family wealth.

Most importantly, I'm glad I was able to express my appreciation to both parents, repeatedly, across the years.

My sibling and I are now settling our mom's estate, and we're finding a lot of little "gotchas" which ensure we can't accurately estimate the final proceeds for another year or so, but that's a story for another thread!

 

[marko]

In the late 90's, my Dad sat us down (we were in our 30's) and shared that he and my mom had amassed a high 7 figure portfolio, to be split evenly among us. The scenario involved a trust for a family member who couldn't handle money, and my sibling and I were to be trustees.

About 15 years later, as Dad's faculties diminished, he consolidated assets with a Certified Financial Planner in a fiduciary relationship. My sibling and I received monthly statements. Following Dad's passing, the statements continued to our mom and us, and we had access to the CFP to discuss strategies as the account progressed through the low 8 figures.

So with decades of knowledge and access to specific figures at any time, it felt disingenuous to act like there would be no inheritance at all. Rather, I was able to view this as equivalent to an illiquid investment with potential risks attached.

This knowledge triggered multiple states of mind across the years:
1. I took larger risks in business, as I didn't have the same cautiousness I would if I thought there was zero safety net.
2. Simultaneously, I knew I never wanted to tap that safety net, so I focused on proving I could earn enough to never need an inheritance.
3. I wanted to honor the gift of mental ease they provided by modeling my spending, giving, and sharing on their example. So I now give more to charity than ever before, and give annual gifts to the kids, with the understanding that I want them to have enough financial peach of mind to build their own family wealth.

Most importantly, I'm glad I was able to express my appreciation to both parents, repeatedly, across the years.

My sibling and I are now settling our mom's estate, and we're finding a lot of little "gotchas" which ensure we can't accurately estimate the final proceeds for another year or so, but that's a story for another thread!

THIS is how it's done. And an example of why. Responsibile family wealth building.

 

[Markola]

In the late 90's, my Dad sat us down (we were in our 30's) and shared that he and my mom had amassed a high 7 figure portfolio, to be split evenly among us. The scenario involved a trust for a family member who couldn't handle money, and my sibling and I were to be trustees.

About 15 years later, as Dad's faculties diminished, he consolidated assets with a Certified Financial Planner in a fiduciary relationship. My sibling and I received monthly statements. Following Dad's passing, the statements continued to our mom and us, and we had access to the CFP to discuss strategies as the account progressed through the low 8 figures.

So with decades of knowledge and access to specific figures at any time, it felt disingenuous to act like there would be no inheritance at all. Rather, I was able to view this as equivalent to an illiquid investment with potential risks attached.

This knowledge triggered multiple states of mind across the years:
1. I took larger risks in business, as I didn't have the same cautiousness I would if I thought there was zero safety net.
2. Simultaneously, I knew I never wanted to tap that safety net, so I focused on proving I could earn enough to never need an inheritance.
3. I wanted to honor the gift of mental ease they provided by modeling my spending, giving, and sharing on their example. So I now give more to charity than ever before, and give annual gifts to the kids, with the understanding that I want them to have enough financial peach of mind to build their own family wealth.

Most importantly, I'm glad I was able to express my appreciation to both parents, repeatedly, across the years.

My sibling and I are now settling our mom's estate, and we're finding a lot of little "gotchas" which ensure we can't accurately estimate the final proceeds for another year or so, but that's a story for another thread!

Beautiful! Kudos to your wise parents, and to you for how you responded to their generosity. Thank you for sharing your example.

 

[Route246]

THIS is how it's done. And an example of why. Responsibile family wealth building.

It was a little difficult disclosing our wealth to my father when he was in hospice and early dementia was setting in but he still had most of his wits and we showed him our portfolio. He was shocked and surprised but also incredibly proud. I told him he no longer needs to worry about me and that I would be fine. He asked about my brother and I told him not to worry, things would be fine for him, too, although this was questionable I wanted to set him at ease. After this disclosure his views of saving money for us changed in a good way. I thanked him for thinking about us because it is good to know that if we were not in good financial shape that his heirs would well be able to use it. He understood when I thanked him even though we were not depending on him that it was a noble thing to do to sacrifice and think about his children.

 

[pjigar]

In the late 90's, my Dad sat us down (we were in our 30's) and shared that he and my mom had amassed a high 7 figure portfolio, to be split evenly among us. The scenario involved a trust for a family member who couldn't handle money, and my sibling and I were to be trustees.

DD is still finishing up collage but I have given a cursory idea about family finances to her. She knows how much we make, spend and invest annually. As she starts working and have family, my plan is to share more details when it makes sense. And eventually involve her with family finances on a regular basis. I think it is important for the most families. We have a special needs son so it is even more important for us.

I have a counter story compared to you @OddGuy : My dad shared with me about family finances freely once I was in high school. Unfortunately, it was mostly about debt (and some assets) but nevertheless it really helped me focus on my future. I knew I had to push harder than ever before to get us out of the financial hole and build wealth. I know too many friends who didn't push themselves hard because their parents shielded them from the financial realities on the ground.

 

[Gumby]

My parents never talked to me about money and I never asked. I just paid attention to what they did and said to each other when I was young. So I knew from an early age that they were always in debt to Household Finance Corporation or some other creditor and that the chances of them ever being out of hock were slim. One notable event was when my baby brother died and they had no money to bury him. My grandmother's boss paid and then they wrote him a small check every month for a pretty long time to pay him back. I remember my mother crying again every time she sat down to write that check and mail it out. Stuff like that sticks with you. And certainly I knew that when I left home after high school I would be walking the tightrope to success without a net, because if I ran into hard times, they could not have helped even if they wanted to. It probably made me more conservative with money than many people and more conservative in my retirement timing.

 

[latexman]

Dad died in 2017. We (4 siblings) inherited the 42 acre family farm. We futzed around for 2 years, them put the farm under contract with a developer. The big hurdles are Rezoning and city sewer capacity. It doesn’t help that the developer is disliked by his nextdoor subdivision (no pool!) such that they attend all public meetings and shout him down to the town Planning Board. It’s 6 years later, and no progress! So, yes, do not count on an inheritance!

 

[badatmath]

Dad died in 2017. We (4 siblings) inherited the 42 acre family farm. We futzed around for 2 years, them put the farm under contract with a developer. The big hurdles are Rezoning and city sewer capacity. It doesn’t help that the developer is disliked by his nextdoor subdivision (no pool!) such that they attend all public meetings and shout him down to the town Planning Board. It’s 6 years later, and no progress! So, yes, do not count on an inheritance!

Sometimes the last survivor remarries late in life and ends up giving the money to the "other family" instead of their own.

 

[Gumby]

Sometimes the last survivor remarries late in life and ends up giving the money to the "other family" instead of their own.

I think that has been a plot point for many an English novel.

 

[Route246]

Sometimes the last survivor remarries late in life and ends up giving the money to the "other family" instead of their own.

We are updating our trust and will and will have countermeasures in place so that only lineal offspring with blood lines to my parents and wife's parents are eligible to be entitled to any estate proceeds. If no lineal heirs can be found then it all goes to charity (highly unlikely but possible). The last thing we want is for our wealth to go to someone because somewhere in the future they married into our parents' blood line. I have seen a few cases of this with friends and family where step-children, in-law spouses or unrelated people end up with what was intended to stay within the family. Some of these wills are settled many, many decades after they are drafted. In the updates we are setting now we are trying to figure out every corner case possible and the default will be to send the wealth to charities we care about if a satisfactory heir cannot be found.

 

[TheWizard]

THIS is how it's done. And an example of why. Responsibile family wealth building.

Especially when the offspring are Financially Responsible Individuals.
Not all are...

 

[TheWizard]

We are updating our trust and will and will have countermeasures in place so that only lineal offspring with blood lines to my parents and wife's parents are eligible to be entitled to any estate proceeds. If no lineal heirs can be found then it all goes to charity (highly unlikely but possible). The last thing we want is for our wealth to go to someone because somewhere in the future they married into our parents' blood line. I have seen a few cases of this with friends and family where step-children, in-law spouses or unrelated people end up with what was intended to stay within the family. Some of these wills are settled many, many decades after they are drafted. In the updates we are setting now we are trying to figure out every corner case possible and the default will be to send the wealth to charities we care about if a satisfactory heir cannot be found.

That's an interesting concept.
I wonder what the legal language is to implement such a structure...

 

[Markola]

If I end up a widower, which is quite possible given DW’s family longevity vs mine, I like the idea of setting up charitable gift annuities for select relatives, then putting everything else in a charitable remainder trust for my income, with a large university or national nonprofit with lots of attorneys as trustee. I’d sell my house and give away my significant possessions, and rent in a progressive retirement home.

That way, everything is wired and if I get remarried to the nice lady on the 3rd floor, well, my money is spoken for, plus I’ll get income and holiday cards from the charities.

 

[Route246]

That's an interesting concept.
I wonder what the legal language is to implement such a structure...

My strategy is to use multiple chatbots to get some of the language and intent into words. Specify to the chatbot that this is for a will and what are goals are (no financial leakage out of family blood line). Some of the generated language is quite elegant sounding. Our trust attorney told us to write down what are goals and wishes are and she would get it into language that a family court judge would be able to interpret unambiguously as possible. Basically, the chatbot is giving us the language to feed our trust attorney and we are entrusting her to write the will's final draft. Chatbots are certainly very helpful in sorting out some of the gibberish we come up with, that's for sure. Our goal is to send self-evident statements to our trust attorney so she can make sure the language is crafted as bullet-proof as possible.