New investment vehicle...you in?

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I'll be starting up a new no-load mutual fund next week.

The fund will invest primarily in companies who manufacture dryer sheets, with a hedge against people who apparently use them for other things, while concurrently using derivatives and short selling against companies who manufacture dusting cloths, clothing, and robotic vacuum cleaners.

Get in while I still have this baby open for new investors...send your checks to me, payable in cash. I'll send you a nice prospectus suitable for framing.


[size=-200]* Annual management fee is 99.2%[/size]

 

[John Galt]

Hurray! I finally get in on the ground floor.

TH, I am dusting off my checkbook right now and predict
we will wipe out the competition. Want to get in before
availability dries up and while the idea is fresh.

John Galt

 

[unclemick]

Watch out for portfolio volitility - perhaps up to a 30-40% position in clothesline mfg. allow a safe withdrawal rate.

 

[unclemick]

Also - the true contrarian might take up to a 10% position in clothespins as portfolio insurance - in case the long term growth trend for dryer sheets gets wet.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Well, the market for clothespins right now is a little soft. By the way, the SEC is giving me some static over registering this. I think its an idea people can really cling to.

 

[fire5soon]

Since I apparently started a good chuckle on the board when I admitted I cut my dryer sheets in half, I feel like I should be able to share in some of the profits. So starting the day after TH’s fund opens, my own fund will start trading. My fund will be a “hyper index” tied to TH’s returns. Due to my limited marketing experience I’m teaming up with Rydex to open the Rydex Ultra Cling which is designed to give a return equal to 200% of TH's fund.

There will be several share classes:
Static shares (CLNGX): available to regular bums;
Fresh shares (FRSHX): available when working with a Maytag advisor; and finally
Snuggle shares (SNGLX): available only to institutional investors, mainly dry cleaning & hotel maintenance firms.

Shares will begin trading at half of TH's funds NAV (to stay true to the original dryer sheet mission statement of frugality).

For more information, I can be reached at 1-900-TUMBLE-DRY. All shares must be paid for by cash, credit card, or rolled up change found under your couch cushions.

Thank you for your time.

-Jay

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

I believe demand for these investment vehicles will soften over time.

Actually the funny part was finding out how many people do the same thing. In fact my girlfriend confessed to tearing them up in thirds.

 

[fire5soon]

In fact my girlfriend confessed to tearing them up in thirds.

If I wasn't married I'd ask if she had a sister!

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

In fact she does and they look like twins (stop that!). But the sister is married and has two beautiful kids.

If it makes you feel better though, the sister got a double helping of the bitchy genes while my girlfriend didnt get any.

As a counter to the "alternative fund" being offered, I'm prepared to become far more competitive.

The Split Dryer Sheet Fund (SDSIX) is now offering twice the number of shares for half the price!

 

[unclemick]

Some good dividend paying clothespin mfg stock might counterbalance the dryer sheet positions - some of which have too much hot air under them - and may pull back - should the market cool.

 

[wabmester]

Well, I was warming up to the idea, but I'm getting my panties in a bunch over these puns. Maybe I just have a drier sense of humor.

Sheet, what if your fund folds?

 

[fire5soon]

Sheet, what if your fund folds?

I'm sure he'd be rung and hung out to dry. The New York Times would run an exclusive headline, "Static Cling King's Dividends Dry Up.

It would be a mess only the strongest lint-made paper towels would be able to clean.

 

[wabmester]

Yeah, that's the wrinkle I'm torn over. Folding would change the whole fabric of the industry. There's something a little dirty about this hole dryer sheet business. It stinks, I tell you. The SEC should tear TH a new one over this. And I'd line up to see it!

 

[fire5soon]

wabmester,
I bow to the King of Cling Zings! :

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Yeah, that's the wrinkle I'm torn over. Folding would change the whole fabric of the industry. There's something a little dirty about this hole dryer sheet business. It stinks, I tell you. The SEC should tear TH a new one over this. And I'd line up to see it!

Uh oh, i've only been hanging around here for a few weeks and already I've created barely suppressed hostility.

Excellent!

 

[BUM]

Not interested in becoming an investor at this time. BUT I would like to be the exclusive Dryer Sheet Sales Rep for the Third World. Now I know there may not be that many dryers in the Third World, but HEY with your dryer sheets and my enthusiasm we can't lose! Sales forecast to follow.


BUM

 

[unclemick]

I was thinking more along the infomercial/seminar lines of how to use dryer sheet savings to finance early retirement - possibly a book/tapes tossed in. Seminars of course would be held in really 'cool' places at the 'right' part of the season - ala the investment cruise stuff that shows up in our mailbox - usually in winter.

 

[fire5soon]

I was thinking more along the infomercial/seminar lines of how to use dryer sheet savings to finance early retirement...

We could charge admission of one used dryer sheet to send to a third world country as a 'donation' to break into the market and eventually dominate as a monopoly.

We could call them "FireSheets" and encourage people to only use 4% of them at a time to make them last forever... of course this isn't good for our business but we can't help making the suggestion.

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Not interested in becoming an investor at this time. BUT I would like to be the exclusive Dryer Sheet Sales Rep for the Third World. Now I know there may not be that many dryers in the Third World, but HEY with your dryer sheets and my enthusiasm we can't lose! Sales forecast to follow.


BUM

Great, I like forecasts. There is a franchise charge of $100k per country serviced, but the returns on investment and benefits are obvious.

I'll await your check.

 

[fire5soon]

There is a franchise charge of $100k per country serviced,

Sounds like a pretty high Bounty... don't you think?

 

[cute fuzzy bunny]

Heh. You arent going to start up on paper towels now, are you? THERES a 12 step program waiting to happen.

Wait until you see the contract. If a country changes government due to coup, it is then considered a new country and the 100k is due again.

In some parts of the world this could generate as much as one...millllllion...dollars a year for me. I cant wait!!

 

[fire5soon]

Heh.  You arent going to start up on paper towels now, are you?  THERES a 12 step program waiting to happen.

I'm so frugal I'd probably figure out a way to cut it down to 8.5 steps. 8)

 

[BUM]

There is a franchise charge of $100k per country serviced, but the returns on investment and benefits are obvious.

I'll await your check.

TH,

No problem! But in the interests of time, paperwork, competitive edge (BEWARE C.D.S. [Chinese Dryer Sheets])! and host country diplomacy; I've taken the liberty of subtracting the $100k franchise fee from my expense report-to-date.

The Grand Potentate's daughter likes lobster, champagne, and... well, me.

You owe me eight bucks.

BP
Intnl Sales Rep
American Dryer Sheets Inc