Prepaying someone else's final expenses? What to do with the ashes?

[JohnRM]

You could always take a small amount of his ashes and sprinkle it on her grave, and then scatter the rest at sea or whatever. I wouldn't ask the graveyard management, they would surely decline.

 

[NXR7]

A relative joined the Cremation Society which is locally known as the Memorial Society: Cleveland Memorial Society

A one time fee of $25 and when she recently passed we went to a funeral home that is part of that organization. They confirmed her membership and the total cost from picking up the body to contacting next of kin for non-objections to cremation to putting her in two tubes (one for each half of her family) plus 12 death certificates came to less than $1,500.

Not too much risk in losing $25.

She's getting scattered on her parent's old farm, which she retained the right to do when she donated the property away.

Me, I told my wife to do a Men In Black with my ashes. And yes, her initial is "J". And I won't care if she does.

I don't know about other states but in Ohio you're not the Executor until the local Probate Court appoints you. Even if the will says you're the Executor the court needs to appoint you. Wouldn't want someone convicted of financial crimes or massively in debt to be the executor, I imagine.

 

[Sunset]

I made prepaid arrangements when my late wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer. When she passed away, the funeral home picked up her remains and took them to be cremated.
I picked up her ashes and rented a kayak to take her out to a place we used to go to every year for our anniversary. I paddled out past the breakwater, and scattered her ashes at sea.
As a side note, her family had a plot at a cemetery in Pittsburgh. I called to find the cost of having her interred there. They gave me this spiel about an urn, a vault, and opening and closing the ground for over $1000! That did not include the cost of flying there or a hotel and rental car.

My experience has been they dig a hole 1 foot deep, put the urn directly in the hole (no vault around it) and then put the dirt back in and the grass square.

I always imagined it as a 6 foot deep hole, but of course ashes won't be dug up by animals as non-attractive.

Urns on Amazon cost $25 -> $100+ for adult size.
Now that I know, I could see if a person owned a plot, they could literally bring a shovel and be done in 5 minutes.

 

[Zen of Conscious Living]

There are very inexpensive cremation services and you will find them with just a little research. You don't have to pre-pay but it wouldn't hurt you to call around and establish a relationship with someone who works at the company you choose. Then when "it" happens, the creation service is a familiar phone call away. Also, he wants to be spread out with his ex-wife because he probably still loves her and that is the closest he can get to her in his physical death.Where are you located? I am in Southern California. I would have no problem coming to you (I have miles) and taking his remains to his ex wife's grave and sprinkling him discreetly over her grave. I would have no problem with that at all. The spouse and I would make a nice vacation out of it, stay a day or two and head back home. I don't think what he wants is weird and we would truly have no problem helping you out. Just for curiosity: What City/State are you located?

 

[badatmath]

These are interesting answers. Yeah there will be no "probate" court to appoint me as I will will file a as a "small estate" and it isn't required.

I had no idea you could bury ashes so shallowly but it makes sense.

I am in a different state than the deceased will be (presumably) passing in.

Z of CL , thanks but there is no one in the world that wants to take a vacation to a tiny town in IL. It would be sort of fun to meet someone from this board though.

I had not really considered the possibility of flying home to AZ with the ashes either but I mean I guess I could. Is that an item that you are allowed to travel with? Or mail?

Blah. People who are 80+ should consider making their own arrangements in advance if you ask me.

 

[imnontrad]

Person has expressed a wish to be cremated and have ashes dumped over his ex-wife's cemetery plot. (Not doing this - ex was remarried and would not be on board with this even if it was legal which I have no idea).

Is this person a veteran by chance? If so, many national cemeteries have areas for cremains. They will be interred with respect and twice a year, volunteers will recognize this person.

Another option would be a "green burial". This is more eco friendly. And some states now allow the body to be composted and turned into rich soil.

But DO NOT just leave them at a mortuary. They cannot just toss cremains.

 

[rayvt]

Yes you can fly with someone's ashes. It goes as a piece of luggage. The airlines know how to handle that, it is not uncommon.

Prepare for TSA delays. My mother was always collecting (read: swiping) ballpoint pens, so we stuck a couple in her urn with her ashes before packing it up. When we arrived, her ashes were not there!! This was only a couple of years after 9/11.

Turned out that TSA saw the pens on the Xray and had to check that they were not detonators. No problem, she was on the next flight.

 

[rayvt]

From experience, don't prepay funeral expenses. Unless maybe death is imminent. Trying to get it all resolved many years or decades later is a nightmare. Too many things can change, records can get lost.

 

[engineernerd]

So I will be executor of an estate some day.

Person has expressed a wish to be cremated and have ashes dumped over his ex-wife's cemetery plot. (Not doing this - ex was remarried and would not be on board with this even if it was legal which I have no idea).

So I suggested he prepay his own arrangements and then he could pick what he wanted. I figured the mortuary would tell him it was stupid and he would then pick a better option. Flat refusal there. I do not live in the state where this will all take place.

Toying with the idea of trying to contact a place and paying for it in advance but of course it is possible he would then change is mind and do it himself (seems very unlikely) or change the will to make another executor (also seems unlikely). I suppose the place could also go out of business or whatever.

Should I arrange this or wait until the time comes? Person is mid eighties and not in good health though not in immediate danger or anything so far as I know.

Not entirely sure what you do normally with ashes but I do not want to keep them.

Do you have POA (power of attorney)? If not, know that you do not have the authority to arrange anything, certainly not anything that encumbers his money. Even if you do have POA, in your shoes I would avoid making any commitments now. You don't know how the future will develop so it's better to just deal with things when the time comes.

Feel free to tell him whatever you want regarding his apparently spiteful idea. Know that he can designate you executor but that does not mean you have to do it!

About ashes: apparently you need a permit to scatter them in certain waterways (ask me how I know). Cremains can create both air pollution and water pollution.

My MIL's father wanted his ashes to help roses grow (he loved roses and had a rose garden earlier in his life), so she mixed them with potting mix and used that to start two rose bushes in big pots on her balcony (8th-floor condo, no land of her own). Eventually the rose bushes died but the beautiful thought was honored.

 

[badatmath]

Yes I have POA.
It is starting to sound like I need to bury them in my yard - or his. I wouldn't be able to dig there in winter though as it would be frozen I think.

 

[engineernerd]

Yes I have POA.
It is starting to sound like I need to bury them in my yard - or his. I wouldn't be able to dig there in winter though as it would be frozen I think.

No rush. They come in a box if you don't buy an urn. A lot of people who don't know what to do with cremains put the box or urn somewhere in their homes (urn on a mantelpiece or some such, box in a file drawer even), often for years

 

[Koolau]

When I transported my sisters ashes, there were no issues with TSA as it had not been created. BUT there were State level requirements. The funeral home knew what to do and provided documentation that satisfied the "receiving" State's requirements. IIRC it was a single page and just needed to be signed by an authority at the funeral home. No one ever looked at the document but I had it with me. YMMV

 

[Out of Steam]

Personally, I would not prepay. Too much could go wrong. Funeral home could go out of business. You could forget. You could die first. They might change their mind about what they want. Etc.

Many years ago, my wife was required to buy a burial contract from a funeral home when her mother went into a nursing home. IIRC, the contract was with an insurer, rather than with the home directly.

 

[Koolau]

Many years ago, my wife was required to buy a burial contract from a funeral home when her mother went into a nursing home. IIRC, the contract was with an insurer, rather than with the home directly.

That's how the ones I've been involved with w*rk. They are also "portable." You don't have to use the benefit at the funeral establishment where you purchased the policy. Having said that, another funeral establishment might not honor the exact services for the same established price of the policy.

DW used the policy for her mother at another funeral establishment and they agreed to perform/provide the same services as the other establishment. These policies are state regulated in most (maybe all) states IIRC but YMMV.

 

[jayanu]

Scatter them somewhere else, or buy a spot in a columbarium at a cemetary.

I think there are laws regarding human ashes to be scattered. One can not legally dump in the river. We had to take a permission and take a boat from NY harbor to go further up to scatter the ashes. based on your state. FOR PA e.g. from a funeral home

https://batchelorbrothers.com/blogs/blog-entries/3/Batchelor-Brothers-News-Events/209/Do-You-Know-the-Rules-for-Legally-Scattering-Ashes.html#:~:text=At%20your%20home%2Fon%20private,must%20get%20their%20permission%20first.

 

[GoodLiving]

My experience has been they dig a hole 1 foot deep, put the urn directly in the hole (no vault around it) and then put the dirt back in and the grass square.

I always imagined it as a 6 foot deep hole, but of course ashes won't be dug up by animals as non-attractive.

Urns on Amazon cost $25 -> $100+ for adult size.
Now that I know, I could see if a person owned a plot, they could literally bring a shovel and be done in 5 minutes.

When my Dad passed, there was an unclaimed plot in a cemetary that a couple of generations back hadn't used. Part of him was buried in an old coffee can with his dog Ginger's collar that he saved since childhood. We were able to dig the hole at the cemetary. I took part of him with me when I traveled to NZ and AUS along with my exhusband. I scattered them in bits all over the place. I still have some of my dad as I like to take him on adventures with me.

 

[brett]

Three choices.

Scatter the ashes wherever....even in you back garden.

Send them collect post to a long lost relative and let them do the same.

Pay to have a funeral home or cemetary place them in a wall of some sort along with everyone else's ashes.

This is not a exactly a life alterting decison. After all, the person is dead and will never know what you decided!

Personally....I would go the garden or the seaside route and not think about it again.

Do not understand the issue. These are straighforward choices.

Pick one.