I'm curious to get feedback on dating, long term commitments, and finding the right partner when FIREd.
I was widowed several years ago after my wife of 27+ years succumbed to cancer. I was 49 when I stopped working and thankfully we had lived well below our means, earned well, and invested well. This enabled me to spend as much time together and care for my wife in her final years. I will always thank young "us" for enabling middle-aged "me" to have that time and no longer needing to work. Independent of her illness, we would have been able to retire now, travel the world, and live the good life.
I am doing well emotionally and have been seeing someone for the last year or so. We are compatible in many ways, but one striking difference is that even though I am 4 years younger, I am retired and essentially financially set for life. She, however, will need to work to 65- she has a great job, makes good money, but doesn't have the savings I do. She was a single mom of 3 with full custody. Her income today and for the last few years is in the top 5% range but that wasn't always the case, hence her lower savings.
So how does one deal with that? It's probably a 10X imbalance in net worth between the two of us. We have done a lot of travel over the last year, her work schedule and budget permitting, but I have subsidized some of that plus I probably pay for our dates/time together on the order of 2:1.
So, I know it's highly unlikely I'd find someone in my financial situation that checks all the other boxes. I don't see us moving in together anytime soon for multiple reasons. But I also wonder going forward does our relationship make sense? I am not willing, at this time, to sign up to support her or anyone (other than my kids) financially. Plus, looking towards another 8 years or so where I have all the time and plenty of money to do whatever I want and she has limits on both. And, I can afford to gift my kids and subsidize their lives, while she would not in retirement. I wonder about what happens 10 years from now if we're partnered up? For example, I could take my kids on fairly nice vacations, help them buy homes, etc. She could not for hers and I don't want to take financial care of anyone else's kids.
And, once she retires, in 8ish years, we'll still be in very different financial positions.
How detailed should we discuss finances? She knows we're in different positions. I don't know how she'll react if she knows how different. I'm a stealth wealth kind of guy, so you wouldn't know how much I have and how much I can spend just by looking at where I live, what I drive, and how I dress.
It was easy with my wife. Even though I was the breadwinner, we raised kids together, made financial decisions and sacrifices together, and it was easy to imagine spending down our savings together. Imagining that with someone else is extremely difficult!
I was widowed several years ago after my wife of 27+ years succumbed to cancer. I was 49 when I stopped working and thankfully we had lived well below our means, earned well, and invested well. This enabled me to spend as much time together and care for my wife in her final years. I will always thank young "us" for enabling middle-aged "me" to have that time and no longer needing to work. Independent of her illness, we would have been able to retire now, travel the world, and live the good life.
I am doing well emotionally and have been seeing someone for the last year or so. We are compatible in many ways, but one striking difference is that even though I am 4 years younger, I am retired and essentially financially set for life. She, however, will need to work to 65- she has a great job, makes good money, but doesn't have the savings I do. She was a single mom of 3 with full custody. Her income today and for the last few years is in the top 5% range but that wasn't always the case, hence her lower savings.
So how does one deal with that? It's probably a 10X imbalance in net worth between the two of us. We have done a lot of travel over the last year, her work schedule and budget permitting, but I have subsidized some of that plus I probably pay for our dates/time together on the order of 2:1.
So, I know it's highly unlikely I'd find someone in my financial situation that checks all the other boxes. I don't see us moving in together anytime soon for multiple reasons. But I also wonder going forward does our relationship make sense? I am not willing, at this time, to sign up to support her or anyone (other than my kids) financially. Plus, looking towards another 8 years or so where I have all the time and plenty of money to do whatever I want and she has limits on both. And, I can afford to gift my kids and subsidize their lives, while she would not in retirement. I wonder about what happens 10 years from now if we're partnered up? For example, I could take my kids on fairly nice vacations, help them buy homes, etc. She could not for hers and I don't want to take financial care of anyone else's kids.
And, once she retires, in 8ish years, we'll still be in very different financial positions.
How detailed should we discuss finances? She knows we're in different positions. I don't know how she'll react if she knows how different. I'm a stealth wealth kind of guy, so you wouldn't know how much I have and how much I can spend just by looking at where I live, what I drive, and how I dress.
It was easy with my wife. Even though I was the breadwinner, we raised kids together, made financial decisions and sacrifices together, and it was easy to imagine spending down our savings together. Imagining that with someone else is extremely difficult!