Resentment of the working spouse

[shouldhaveknownbetter]

My husband and I have a 13 year age gap. We married 6 years ago with the understanding that I would work after he retired. He decided to retire right after we got married. I now feel that I am working to pay for his retirement as he always shares how he provided his first wife and family the lap of luxury. I, not being raised to be a husband, am not skilled in this area but have a good work ethic. He does the chores he wants to around the home. Laundry that I can put away. And dusting. He enjoys yard work so he does that and grocery shopping. He will cook dinner when he is hungry. Everything else he leaves for me. I don’t make enough money to afford alimony in a divorce. I feel so taken advantage of and don’t know how to reconcile living the rest of my life providing him with the life he wishes to become accustomed. I haven’t had a vacation in 6 years and I am exhausted. Every other female in his family are princesses. I just don’t know what to think.

 

[njhowie]

Have you spoken with him about how you feel?

 

[Aerides]

What would happen if you told him you were going to retire now?

Also, at only 6 years married, you might not be in any alimony situation, so talk to a lawyer to understand your rights and risks.

 

[Koolau]

Have you spoken with him about how you feel?

Agreed. If you have issues with him, he needs to know. He probably knows and doesn't care, but it would be worth a shot at telling him.

If you're looking for some sympathy, we're glad to give it, but I doubt it will help you much. Unfortunately, it's pretty much up to you to deal with. And deal with it you probably should.

Suggest a bit at a time and not both barrels so to speak. I'm no expert at this, but I'd try to set a mood (maybe dinner) and then do the "can we talk?" thing.

I suspect some of the folks here have been through this and can help you with some specifics. My DW has been a bit in your shoes and has had "the talk" with me (mostly minor stuff about leaving my shoes in the living room or not hanging up clothes or putting them in the hamper, etc.) We're blessed to get along fairly well most of the time and we've tried to keep communications open about our pet peeves and and when the other person is getting our last good nerve.

Best luck. Blessings and aloha.

Feel free to introduce yourself more formally (or not) here:

Hi, I am...

Introduce yourself here! (But hey -- start a new thread, so we can see your post!)

www.early-retirement.org

 

[Texas Proud]

I wonder how he could retire without assets to do so... if he did not have assets then put him back to work...

Why would you think you would owe alimony? I would think 6 years is not that long of time and it might not be that much...

You also did not say what age he is... or you....

But bottom line, if you are unhappy then do what you need to do to get happy... which could be him working, or you two getting divorced...

 

[jazz4cash]

Reminds me of a situation in my family and also an acquantance. With a 13 yr age gap it will get worse. The older spouse will naturally become more dependent on the younger spouse.

My acquaintance really put a lot of thought into caring for his10 yr younger wife. He worked til mid 70s to ensure she would be set financially. She pushed him to retire to spend more time together.

A family member re-married late in life and her new spouse did nothing financially. Never setup survivor benefit on pension and ran up debt. When he started to decline physically she was a gopher and caregiver. Then he went into assisted living so they lost the house.

 

[Walt34]

I agree with Aerides that you should talk to a lawyer to find out what your options and rights are in the state where you live. After only six years in the marriage it seems that you would not have to pay much alimony if any, especially since he elected to retire right after the marriage. That smacks of taking advantage of your job.

I was once in the position of not making "enough money to keep her in the style to which she wanted to become accustomed" and got divorced when I refused to borrow it. I just didn't see any future going down that road. I can understand how that wears very thin very fast. But that was 41 years ago when I was 33 and I had time to financially recover.

 

[ivinsfan]

What are your ages? that makes a difference..

 

[pacergal]

Before you got married, had he specified at what age he was going to retire? And did you discuss finance/bills/who pays what or how your money would be co-mingled if at all?
It does sound like communication is the key here. Several discussions: chores, finances, emotions.
Along with a visit to an attorney for you, simply to know where you stand.
Six years can be a long time in an unhappy marriage.
As Dear Abby(I think) has said in the past "Are you better off with him or without him?"

Best of luck to you

 

[youbet]

It does seem like there is more to this story that we need to know to make thoughtful comments. Someone already asked about ages. And how about finances? Did retired hubby bring retirement assets into the marriage such as a future pension, IRA's, 401k, brokerage account, etc. ? That is, if he has sufficient retirement assets to support his half of a future life where you're both retired, then I'd say that you folks just need to arm wrestle over his contribution to household responsibilities and if/how he will supplement your half of a future dual retirement.

If he didn't bring sufficient retirement assets into the marriage to support his half of a future dual retirement, well that's a different situation. And I'd wonder what you were planning when you married as far as a future dual retirement goes.

Have you talked about financial plans for you to join him in retirement? What assets you'll have, what you'll spend and how long from now?

 

[Teacher Terry]

I would seek a consultation with a lawyer. In many states you have to be married for 10 years to pay alimony but I wouldn’t be taking any chances.

 

[Jerry1]

Reminds me of a situation in my family and also an acquantance. With a 13 yr age gap it will get worse. . . .

What are your ages? that makes a difference..

I don’t think the ages makes a difference. Unless I’m mistaken, I assume she is 13 years younger than him. There have been a few marriages in my immediate family with a larger than 10 year age gap and, as jazz4cash points out, it’s not likely to get better. Even if the finances get straightened out, by the time shouldhaveknownbetter gets to retire, or soon after, she’ll go from taking care of him financially to taking care of him physically. By the time she’s done taking care of him, she’ll look back and see that her golden years turned rather dark and be living with regret. If she’s not head over heels in love with this guy, I’d recommend a visit with an attorney to get an understanding of her situation. Also, if she’s not completely privy to his finances, now would be a good time to be positive what his finances look like - pension (does she get survivor benefits?), financial accounts (is she the beneficiary?), house (is she on the title with right of survivorship?).

Sorry the picture I paint doesn’t look too rosy but I’ve seen this play out a few times. 40 years old versus 53 years old doesn’t seem bad at all. 65 vs 78, 70 vs 83, those years start making a big difference.

 

[RetiredHappy]

Have you talked to him? If you have and nothing changes, then get a divorce now. Save yourself from a long miserable life ahead with him.

I have been divorced twice. First 2 marriages, we definitely had money issues - we both worked, but for most part we spent my money. The worst thing was that the 2 husbands had more money than me. OK, I was easy to be taken advantage of. I am in my 3rd marriage and have been married for 16 years now and he is 14 years older than me. While I have slightly more money than my husband, we have been equals in every aspect of our marriage. When he wanted to retire, we retired together.

 

[ivinsfan]

Jerry I disagree about do the ages matter. If husband was at or near a traditional retirement age, should he continue to work simply because his spouse is 13 years younger? We didn't get enough details , the details we got tell us his wife doesn't seem good with the fact that she works and he doesn't. Also saying every other female in his family is treated like a princess tells us nothing.

But it wouldn't be the first time a mature couple got married and had troubling adjusting to reality.

 

[silvor]

My husband and I have a 13 year age gap. We married 6 years ago with the understanding that I would work after he retired. He decided to retire right after we got married. I now feel that I am working to pay for his retirement as he always shares how he provided his first wife and family the lap of luxury. I, not being raised to be a husband, am not skilled in this area but have a good work ethic. He does the chores he wants to around the home. Laundry that I can put away. And dusting. He enjoys yard work so he does that and grocery shopping. He will cook dinner when he is hungry. Everything else he leaves for me. I don’t make enough money to afford alimony in a divorce. I feel so taken advantage of and don’t know how to reconcile living the rest of my life providing him with the life he wishes to become accustomed. I haven’t had a vacation in 6 years and I am exhausted. Every other female in his family are princesses. I just don’t know what to think.

Sorry but I kind of chuckle at this since this is 90% of men in divorces.

 

[Jerry1]

Jerry I disagree about do the ages matter. If husband was at or near a traditional retirement age, should he continue to work simply because his spouse is 13 years younger? We didn't get enough details , the details we got tell us his wife doesn't seem good with the fact that she works and he doesn't. Also saying every other female in his family is treated like a princess tells us nothing.

But it wouldn't be the first time a mature couple got married and had troubling adjusting to reality.

Current ages don’t matter because at some point soon, he’ll be 83 and she’ll only be 70 and she’ll be taking care of him at the expense of her last good (physically speaking) years. If she’s not in love, that’s not worth it. I agree, current age is a consideration about current options, but no current options change the most likely future scenario.

 

[Texas Proud]

Current ages don’t matter because at some point soon, he’ll be 83 and she’ll only be 70 and she’ll be taking care of him at the expense of her last good (physically speaking) years. If she’s not in love, that’s not worth it. I agree, current age is a consideration about current options, but no current options change the most likely future scenario.

It might and it might not be...

My DW knew someone who was 30 years younger... she died before he did... (heck, he might still be alive, I do no know)..

But current age does matter as to what expectations there were entering the marriage... if she was 40 and he 53 I would think she was thinking he would work for 10 or so more years...

If she is 50 and he 63... then maybe only a few more years of work...

Her 60 and he 73... heck, you should know he will retire soon...

 

[athena53]

It might and it might not be...

If she is 50 and he 63... then maybe only a few more years of work...

Her 60 and he 73... heck, you should know he will retire soon...

I agree. When second DH and I married I was 50, he was 65 and we promptly moved halfway across the country for my job. The ad firm for which he had worked was on shaky ground and closed soon after but he managed to do some freelance work that brought $7-8K a year in for quite a few years after that and he also started SS. He netted $100K from selling his house, which he told me to invest in my name because he didn't want to bother with it. He brought a lot to the table- certainly not in terms of income but i terms of what he did around the house, being a great influence on my son and holding down the fort when I traveled. We had very similar ideas about when to splurge and when to be frugal. I retired at 61, he died 2 1/2 years later but the heavy caregiving was only in the last couple of months.

I'd like to hear more from the OP- age at marriage, the extent income and assets he brought in (if she's comfortable with that), whether they've discussed what's bothering her.

And, while I'm not a lawyer, the property settlement in my first marriage was negotiated (NJ, non-community property) between us with our attorneys so we weren't dependent on what the judge decided. Highly recommended.

 

[Route246]

My husband and I have a 13 year age gap. We married 6 years ago with the understanding that I would work after he retired. He decided to retire right after we got married. I now feel that I am working to pay for his retirement as he always shares how he provided his first wife and family the lap of luxury. I, not being raised to be a husband, am not skilled in this area but have a good work ethic. He does the chores he wants to around the home. Laundry that I can put away. And dusting. He enjoys yard work so he does that and grocery shopping. He will cook dinner when he is hungry. Everything else he leaves for me. I don’t make enough money to afford alimony in a divorce. I feel so taken advantage of and don’t know how to reconcile living the rest of my life providing him with the life he wishes to become accustomed. I haven’t had a vacation in 6 years and I am exhausted. Every other female in his family are princesses. I just don’t know what to think.

What you are describing seems like role reversal in certain ways. If you were the younger husband would you feel the same way about your older wife? I was raised to be the breadwinner and it worked out that way with my stay-at-home wife. I provided income and she raised the children and maintained the home. I was raised from childhood that if I was an adult male and not working that I would be a bum. It is ingrained from childhood, for better or worse, that is the societal norm I grew up with. From a perception standpoint I had no choice in this matter.

My female friends and classmates who do not work are never characterized as being bums or freeloaders. My male friends and classmates are. Personally, I have no problem with this. I spent my entire working life grinding and trying to make a living and financially I have done OK and I know I'm lucky for this. The double standard thing does cause me to ponder whether or not I wasted a portion of my adult life being a workaholic, though.