Retirement and the arrival fallacy

[tenant13]

I’m 70, I spent 35 years at a job I tolerated, and I retired expecting to finally be happy – here’s what nobody tells you about the unhappiness that follows you into your older years

Retirement doesn’t erase what you carried for decades—it just removes the distractions that kept you from noticing it. What follows isn’t a lack of freedom, but the realization that happiness was never waiting at the finish line - it needed to be built along the way.

vegoutmag.com

Good article for those of us who can’t figure out what the retirement is (or will be) about.

A few quotes if you don’t feel like clicking.

“What I have learned, eighteen months into a retirement I waited three and a half decades for, is that happiness is not a place you arrive at. (…) The mistake I made, and that I suspect an enormous number of people make, is treating retirement as the destination rather than a context in which I would still need to do the actual work of living.

What is the actual work of living? As best I can tell at seventy, having failed to do it for quite a long time, it involves being genuinely present to the day you are actually having rather than the day you are waiting to arrive. It involves investing in the process, not banking on the outcome. It involves understanding that the capacity for happiness is something that gets built through intentional daily practice, not delivered when the circumstances finally align. (…)

I am learning, slowly and imperfectly, that the point was never to arrive anywhere. It was always to be here, in this specific and unrepeatable day, paying actual attention to it.

That is not the lesson I expected retirement to teach me. It is, I think, the only one that was ever worth learning.”

 

[COcheesehead]

It’s almost the same as the difference of just having goals vs having purpose.

 

[jollystomper]

It seems like a lot of words to say "retire to something, not from something" . The thing(s) one retires to are what gives one ongoing contentment and purpose.

 

[keppelbay]

Well said.

 

[Luvtoride]

Thanks for the thread and summary of the article. Unfortunately, too many DON’T read or learn this advice before they retire. Yes, you need to do some planning prior to retirement, but you can’t feel as if you have it figured out before you get there! Too many friends and former colleagues are greatly disappointed by the retirement they transition to, rather than creating their new reality/ identity when they get here.

 

[RetiredHappy]

It seems like a lot of words to say "retire to something, not from something" . The thing(s) one retires to are what gives one ongoing contentment and purpose.

Selling words by the pound. I like your simplicity.

 

[TripleLindy]

I must be in the minority and maybe it comes from the fact that my retirement decision was made quickly - over a weekend - so it came on suddenly and I hadn’t planned any particular pursuit. I tend to take each day as it comes without a lot of planning. I see a number of people pursuing a “purpose” or “passion” only to burn out or become obsessed. I think many feel obligated to do so. Sure, I have plenty of hobbies, some of which, like pickleball, were not discovered until after retirement. But mostly, days are unplanned or loosely planned and yet they tend to evolve into something enjoyable. I love that! I’m in my 9th year of retirement and it works for us.

 

[Luvtoride]

Sure, I have plenty of hobbies, some of which, like pickleball, were not discovered until after retirement. But mostly, days are unplanned or loosely planned and yet they tend to evolve into something enjoyable. I love that! I’m in my 9th year of retirement and it works for us.

Thank goodness for “discovering” Pickleball in retirement. My wife and I play several times a week when it doesn’t conflict with doctors appointments or other retirement pursuits we each have (I take class at a state college one day a week).
Yes, those of us who didn’t have a set plan, do tend to find pursuits and things to do in retirement that fills the time we used to commute and work. It is a helluva a lot better!

 

[skyking1]

I'm not in the boat of wondering what to do. My boat has sails up and I have my hand on the tiller and a breeze in what is left of my hair. I got things to do, it was how I was wired.

 

[stepford]

The "work of living" seems like a lot of work to me. 10+ years into retirement I'm happily idle. If I feel like doing something I do it. If not I don't worry about it.

 

[Music Lover]

I viewed retirement as the removal of a scheduled annoyance that got in the way of other more enjoyable pursuits.

 

[SnowballCamper]

"...the unhappiness that follows you into your older years." Well yes, if you're generally not happy, retirement isn't going to be the solution.

 

[marko]

I try not to take retirement advice or insights from someone who's only 18 months into the process.

Come back son, after 2 or 3 years when you've fully settled in..

 

[surprising]

I am 52 and 18 months into retirement, and what I'm finding is that there is a lot of down time in between the fun things like vacations, RV travels, etc. I don't mind the down time for the most part, but it is a bit of a waste of time. Interestingly enough, I got an offer to consult recently. A year ago I would've said no way. Now, I am going to take it, because it'll allow me to fill dead time and make a lot of money in the process.

 

[Aerides]

When I was planning to ER, long before I even joined here, I knew I'd want to have something besides nothing to do. It was easy to say what did 7 year old me want to do, what would I do if I won the lottery.

Didn't everyone at some point at least have that lottery dream? I find it odd to retire and go "oh wait now what" (except if forced/ER'd long before planning to do so I guess).

I also wonder how I got anything done when working - all that stuff we'd jam into a weekend? Now when I go on a trip I plan and pack properly. When I shop for something or someone I can take my time and really make it a project. I can work out more, clean my house better/more. Travel more. Spend more time gardening. Sit on the couch and pet my cat and play word games for an afternoon.

All that stuff readily fills any void.

I feel sad for the author to just be figuring things out at 70, but perhaps there are more like her than like me.

 

[Elle_N]

"Having a job is expensive. If you spend all your time working for someone else, you don't have any time to learn to do things yourself."

-- Charley Groden in the 2003 film, "Off the Map"

 

[Aerides]

Er...maybe this isn't real/ is AI/ a bot article?

The article says she's 70 and retired 18 months ago, after 35 years.
There's another article, also posted today, same "author" retired at 64 after 32 years.

Two quite well written prolific brand new pieces from someone who doesn't otherwise seem to have much of a writing profile.

She's also not listed on the company list of who we are.

Oh and most of their authors pump out far more words in a day than any real writers. Ugh so tired of AI content posing as written by real people!

 

[RetiredHappy]

I must be in the minority and maybe it comes from the fact that my retirement decision was made quickly - over a weekend - so it came on suddenly and I hadn’t planned any particular pursuit. I tend to take each day as it comes without a lot of planning. I see a number of people pursuing a “purpose” or “passion” only to burn out or become obsessed. I think many feel obligated to do so. Sure, I have plenty of hobbies, some of which, like pickleball, were not discovered until after retirement. But mostly, days are unplanned or loosely planned and yet they tend to evolve into something enjoyable. I love that! I’m in my 9th year of retirement and it works for us.

+1. I discovered golf after we retired and I never wanted to spend another second working again. I was going to re-evaluate whether to go back to work a year after we sold our business. Golf is more fun than getting migraine every other week which lasted 4 days each time when I was working.

 

[griffithee]

I try not to take retirement advice or insights from someone who's only 18 months into the process.

Come back son, after 2 or 3 years when you've fully settled in..

2 or 3?!?!? Pshaw. Don’t get in to any real retirement groove until after five years. JK

 

[COcheesehead]

I must be in the minority and maybe it comes from the fact that my retirement decision was made quickly - over a weekend - so it came on suddenly and I hadn’t planned any particular pursuit. I tend to take each day as it comes without a lot of planning. I see a number of people pursuing a “purpose” or “passion” only to burn out or become obsessed. I think many feel obligated to do so. Sure, I have plenty of hobbies, some of which, like pickleball, were not discovered until after retirement. But mostly, days are unplanned or loosely planned and yet they tend to evolve into something enjoyable. I love that! I’m in my 9th year of retirement and it works for us.

Don’t forget that just enjoying life is a purpose too. That’s my mantra in retirement. Purpose doesn’t have to be complex.

 

[Koolau]

I find this discussion of retirement similar to the one about moving - especially long distances. No one escapes their problems by moving - they take their problems with them.

 

[target2019]

Claude tells me:

Overly Polished, Rhythmic Prose
Generic "Relatable" Persona
Heavy Reliance on Named Research
Signature AI Phrases
Mismatch with the Publication

More explanation here: https://www.perplexity.ai/search/summarize-https-vegoutmag-com-ToWRJlXAT9SWS7SjXK3uIw#2

It's probably true that in the not-so-distant future we'll just be reading artificially constructed content on social media outlets.

 

[Gumby]

It's not just a retirement phenomenon. Throughout my life I've known people who were absolutely certain that they would be happy if only they just ... lived in this place, got this job, saved this much money, etc. Many, if not most of them, having finally achieved the objects of their desire, found themselves no happier at all. Because happiness is how you live your life along the way and in the moment, not some idealized destination.

 

[Original Wally]

2 or 3?!?!? Pshaw. Don’t get in to any real retirement groove until after five years. JK

16 1/2 years downstream. Life is good.

 

[38Chevy454]

I don't define my retirement as what I do. I define retirement as doing what I want, when I want, and how I want. Most days I am fairly busy doing something, going places, and enjoying the productivity. But some days it is just not doing much, which is also OK not to have a big productive day. I am not in comparison to anyone and what they do in a day.