Retirement Year Three - Overwhelmed

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mountainsoft

Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
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We just passed year three of retirement on April 23rd. Unlike the previous two years this milestone passed without any fanfare. Just another day.

Financially we're doing well, with more money than we retired with. All this despite feeling like we're just burning through cash the last couple years, buying two newer cars, replacing a well pump and water heater, and a host of other large expenses. Not to mention we've been eating out a lot due to our crazy schedule.

Unfortunately, life has been a little overwhelming the last year or so. Both of our mom's are having declining health, requiring lots of our time to take them to doctor appointments, grocery shopping, and maintaining things around her mom's house. Other family members have also been demanding of our time with various projects. Then my wife was rear ended on the freeway a couple months ago, so she has had numerous doctor and therapy appointments since then, and we're still dealing with the hassles of insurance. We live life by our calendar, every day is just "next", "next", "next". Far from the "relaxing golden years" we envisioned. We rarely get time to do our own thing anymore, and when we do have a day at home it's usually spent mowing the yard, catching up on laundry, and other routine responsibilities.

My mom is also having early stage dementia and suffers from mental health issues anyway, so that complicates things like making appointments. I frequently have to cancel or reschedule after making them, which further complicates our already busy calendar.

I've already had to cancel a couple short vacations I had planned for various reasons. I'm trying to plan a road trip for September, but I'm not confident my wife will be fully recovered by then and I'm having a few health issues myself I'm having doubts about. I don't know if a getaway will work out this year or not.

But, we're retired, and even with the craziness it's better than working... :)
 
Time is one of the most valuable resources we have. Don't feel obligated to help out everyone who asks for some of your time simply because they ask. Help the ones you want to help, at times that work for you, and decline the rest without guilt.
 
mountainsoft said:
Unfortunately, life has been a little overwhelming the last year or so. Both of our mom's are having declining health, requiring lots of our time to take them to doctor appointments, grocery shopping, and maintaining things around her mom's house. Other family members have also been demanding of our time with various projects.
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I understand you and your wife wanting to help out your moms.

As for other family members - "no" is a complete sentence. No explanation, no justification - just no.

Speaking of which, I didn't notice a single reference in your post to these "other family members" helping you and your wife in any way during this tumultuous year, even after your wife's injury. I'm willing to bet they haven't offered help once - am I right?
 
Lewis Clark said:
Time is one of the most valuable resources we have. Don't feel obligated to help out everyone who asks for some of your time simply because they ask. Help the ones you want to help, at times that work for you, and decline the rest without guilt.
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this. As my mom and dad age, I have been purposefully taking more time with them. Not a lot, I could probably do more, but I am there when they need me.
 
I can totally relate. I know exactly what you're dealing with. My 2-year anniversary is later this month. I'm busy all the time it seems. A lot of it is good stuff by choice but it's still busy. And a lot of it is stuff I could do without but I'm grateful to be able to do it.

My mom is 95 and fading, requiring more and more of our attention. I take her to all of her appointments, do her grocery shopping, my wife mainly coordinates her aides, I handle her finances including submitting all reimbursements from her LTC policy, etc.

I don't have the family looking for help issue but I agree that "no" might need to be the answer there at times. Just because you are retired doesn't mean you are suddenly everyone's personal assistant.

We had hoped to travel a lot more in retirement but don't feel we can stray too far for too long due to my mom. So we try to do a 2 or 3-night getaway within a couple of hours drive once a month or so. That's nice but we'd love to get on a cruise ship for a couple of weeks or travel overseas or jet off to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico. It's just not something we're comfortable doing at this point.

And we are classic sandwich generation folks. Our 30-year-old daughter still lives with us and also puts demands on our time and energy. She has mental health issues and while very intelligent and reasonably accomplished, leaving her alone for a week or two at a time would be a challenge. She now has a job that involves a good bit of travel throughout the state for 1-3 nights at a time and I've tagged along a few times to keep her company and help manage her anxiety related to those trips.

I don't have any brilliant advice for you but just wanted to empathize. And I totally agree with your last sentence. It beats working. I have no idea how we would be juggling all of this if I still had a full time job. I know a whole lot more would be on my wife's shoulders so I'm glad I'm here to share the load.
 
Right there with you - 3rd year Anniversary was 2 days ago.

Agree with you on the cash burn - some of it is our fault, some of it is "life" - a car dies, we need a new appliance etc.. We overbooked travel, and I decided it would be a brilliant idea to build a boat in the garage. Long story there.

But, my point is we are pretty much in the same situation. The surviving parents are rapidly declining and it will only be a couple more years that they are with us. Meanwhile our own health issues continue.

I agree with the above statements - you don't have to help every family member that asks. Maybe get those family members to help out with your Mom's and go and take a trip somewhere.
 
disneysteve said:
I can totally relate. I know exactly what you're dealing with. My 2-year anniversary is later this month. I'm busy all the time it seems. A lot of it is good stuff by choice but it's still busy. And a lot of it is stuff I could do without but I'm grateful to be able to do it.

My mom is 95 and fading, requiring more and more of our attention. I take her to all of her appointments, do her grocery shopping, my wife mainly coordinates her aides, I handle her finances including submitting all reimbursements from her LTC policy, etc.

I don't have the family looking for help issue but I agree that "no" might need to be the answer there at times. Just because you are retired doesn't mean you are suddenly everyone's personal assistant.

We had hoped to travel a lot more in retirement but don't feel we can stray too far for too long due to my mom. So we try to do a 2 or 3-night getaway within a couple of hours drive once a month or so. That's nice but we'd love to get on a cruise ship for a couple of weeks or travel overseas or jet off to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico. It's just not something we're comfortable doing at this point.

And we are classic sandwich generation folks. Our 30-year-old daughter still lives with us and also puts demands on our time and energy. She has mental health issues and while very intelligent and reasonably accomplished, leaving her alone for a week or two at a time would be a challenge. She now has a job that involves a good bit of travel throughout the state for 1-3 nights at a time and I've tagged along a few times to keep her company and help manage her anxiety related to those trips.

I don't have any brilliant advice for you but just wanted to empathize. And I totally agree with your last sentence. It beats working. I have no idea how we would be juggling all of this if I still had a full time job. I know a whole lot more would be on my wife's shoulders so I'm glad I'm here to share the load.
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Well, you sound like a very good son and dad. There aren't many things in life better than that. Travel time will come.
 
Helping your parents is always time consuming no matter what time of your life that happens. Once they are gone, you will be really happy that you made the time to help them.

My dad had a big stroke at age 59 and we bought the house next-door so I could help my mom. I had three little kids and I also went to college full-time. Those were really busy years and he lived 14 years.

About three years later, my mother developed three different types of cancers over a period of 16 years. By then we were living across the country because of my career and there were many years when I used all my vacation and sick time flying home to help her. Both of my parents have been gone a long time and I’m really glad that I helped both of them.

As to other family members, I would tell them that you are too busy with your parents to help. I’m sorry that your wife was in that car accident and I know from being in a few bad car accidents that it can take a long time to physically recover. Take care
 
One of the benefits of being retired and not working is having time to help out family and friends. Can you imagine trying to do what you are doing and working full time as well?

I recall my dad saying a few years into retirement that he was so busy that he didn't know how he ever found time to work. As a working stiff at the time, I thought it was the lamest thing that I had ever heard, but I get it now.

A couple thoughts. For that "other family members have also been demanding of our time with various projects" judicious use of the word "no" might be helpful. And since Mr Market has put you in a better financial position that you planned you are positioned to hire out mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, etc. IMO spending on such things that make life easier and more convenient is money well spent.
 
I would severely cut down on the helping of other family members.
Plus you should give it heavy thought as to hiring out some of the house maintenance work.
Think about it, will you be healthier in 5 years from now and make some changes with that thought in mind.
 
pb4uski said:
I recall my dad saying a few years into retirement that he was so busy that he didn't know how he ever found time to work. As a working stiff at the time, I thought it was the lamest thing that I had ever heard, but I get it now.
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I often heard people say that and would just chuckle. Once I retired, I totally got it. It is so true. Of course, you can cram in a lot more activities when you suddenly have an extra 8-10 hours free every day.

The one thing I will say is that you need to carve out time for yourself, whatever that means. Going to the gym, watching a favorite show, working in your wood shop, fishing, playing video games, solo travel if so inclined, whatever. Make sure to include time for you regularly. It's your retirement. It's your time to step back and relax and do things that you enjoy, along with all of the other stuff.
 
You are good people to help so many others. However, number one rule is to take care of yourselves first. Even if getting away for a night or two is all you and DW can do, it is important.
Ask family members to help and don't feel like you have to say yes to their requests, either.

Agree with others on using some of your funds for hiring help.

We just got housecleaners this year, and what a relief and pleasure it has been!
DH is strongly considering hiring yard maintenance soon.

Best wishes to you and your wife. Hope she heals quickly from the MVA.
 
Just try to imagine if you were still working and had to find time for all the "extras"
 
Calico said:
As for other family members - "no" is a complete sentence. No explanation, no justification - just no.
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I have no problem saying no, but convincing my wife to say no to every request has proven more difficult. I'm on multiple honey-do lists. :) She's getting better though.

The most recent project for her sister-in-law was pretty simple, just removing an outdoor electrical outlet. Maybe 30 minutes of work, but it took a 90 minute drive each way to get there. Kind of wastes most of the day.

Calico said:
Speaking of which, I didn't notice a single reference in your post to these "other family members" helping you and your wife in any way during this tumultuous year, even after your wife's injury. I'm willing to bet they haven't offered help once - am I right?
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I'm an only child, so no help on my side.

My wife is one of 8 children. Only two of those help on any regular basis, and they're both working still. When they do help it's usually in limited capacity or poorly done (like only mowing half the yard?). So we often have to clean up the mess left by their "help". :)
 
mountainsoft said:
But, we're retired, and even with the craziness it's better than working... :)
Click to expand...

Yes. I hear you. DW and I are dealing with a family member who requires full-time care (which we freely choose to do; they are family). So we are in a holding pattern and our retirement lives are not what we wanted/expected. BUT - nothing would be improved by going back to paid employment.

Here's hoping your life improves...
 
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Helping out your Mom's is great. Able-bodied friends and family? No, learn to set healthy boundaries. "Sorry, we are overwhelmed caring for Mom's and don't have the energy to help you with this, sorry". Please take care of yourselves, it's a lot being a caregiver to an ailing parent.
 
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