Should Financially Secure Boomers Help their Millennial and Gen Z Kids? Thought Provoking Example...

[Teacher Terry]

This situation sounds so much like the situation with my daughter. She has high functioning autism as well and after completing a masters degree, she is still not employed. She spends her days mostly in the house and playing video games. I completely support her financially and I would like her to go out to work, but I am torn given her sensory issues and anxiety plus she has I don’t Crohn’s disease and some other ailments. However, she appears to be healthy enough to work. I am almost resigned at this point to have her volunteer just to be able to get out of the house and continue to support her financially.

Why not have your daughter go to the department or bureau of vocational rehabilitation for help finding a job. Every state has one because it’s mostly federally funded but run by the states. They help people with disabilities find jobs that are compatible with their disability. I spent 20 years doing this.

 

[Texas Proud]

30 years in The Woodlands, TX and I saw a lot of "entitled" kids get brand new BMW's, MBs, Jags, you name it while in high school. I assume that continues after they leave the nest!

YES... I have posted this before but when I was in my early 20s I was at the grocery store... came out to find I had a flat tire... my car was a nice Cougar which I was happy to have..

Well, sitting next to me was a $100K Mercedes convertible (this is back in the 90s!!)... so a high school junior comes walking out of the pizza joint and was showing off HER new car... someone said 'is this your mom's?'... she said "no, daddy bought it for me"....

It was also interesting that I was talking to my oldest sister... she had graduated from college and was teaching her first year... said she was rooming with THREE other teachers and they had ONE car between them all...

I grew up in a very small house with a total of 6 kids and mom and dad... always struggled to buy stuff... no matter how much I keep telling my kids how privileged they are they just do not get it... all their friends are more privileged so they think they have it tough...

 

[skipro33]

My view is that if it were my kid with that attitude, just for using that sort of language in respect to their opinion of me and their mother, Id rather burn it in a bon fire in front of him than gift him a dime.

 

[frayne]

My initial remark "wrong-headed thinking on the kid's part" was a bit flippant. Everyone reflects on their own life experiences, and I can remember being thirty years old. I had just put ~$10,000 down (every dime I had) on my first house, which cost $44,000 in total. I had a stay-at-home wife, a two-year-old child, a car payment, and was working every bit of overtime I could, while also taking night classes. I was living paycheck to paycheck, and the thought of asking for financial help never once crossed my mind. In retrospect, it was a valuable, character-building experience.

I believe that if my child were truly struggling, I would help them get back on their feet. However, I also firmly believe that simply giving money because someone is struggling a bit, especially early on, may do more harm than good, especially if it leads to an expectation of help every time there's a challenge.

Maybe my perspective is old-fashioned or wrong-headed, but that's how I see it.

 

[marko]

My view is that if it were my kid with that attitude, just for using that sort of language in respect to their opinion of me and their mother, Id rather burn it in a bon fire in front of him than gift him a dime.

My BIL has done quite well and his six kids grew up in a privileged environment. Now, they're all in their 40s with kids of their own and all are pulling in over $500k a year.

But: family dinner for 18 at an expensive restaurant? Dad pays. Holidays in the Caribbean for 15? Dad pays. BMW has a flat? Take dad's.

He just instinctively reaches for his wallet. It never even enters the minds of his kids to pick up a tab.

 

[Lewis Clark]

He just instinctively reaches for his wallet. It never even enters the minds of his kids to pick up a tab.

Dad has his kids well trained : )

 

[Luvtoride]

He just instinctively reaches for his wallet. It never even enters the minds of his kids to pick up a tab.

When we’re out with our adult kids and their families I would never let them pick up a check…although it would be nice if they ever offered! LOL

 

[donheff]

The kid is probably PO'd because his friends are getting help with the down payment and mortgage, and he assumed his parents couldn't afford to do that. Then he learns they have a boatload of dough. He is still acting entitled but it isn't surprising that he might do so. But his reaction isn't representative of most Millennials I know. My kids and their friends are working hard, not projecting entitlement in any way I can see, and seem objectively to face a tougher road than DW and I did.

We have helped both out with down payments and helped my daughter (a teacher living in HCOL DC metro) with her mortgage and day care. The kids know that most of our estate will flow down to them but don't know the details and amounts. DW will start RMDs from large accounts in a couple of years. Most of those will be cash we don't need for ourselves. We can either put the excess in taxable accounts that will eventually pass to the kids or start gifting some or all of it now.

We plan to sit down with the kids soon and talk it through. Do they want it now or later?

 

[DJRR]

When we’re out with our adult kids and their families I would never let them pick up a check…although it would be nice if they ever offered! LOL

LOL. We have reached a compromise where the kids leave a cash tip, unless of course they are taking me out for birthday or fathers day.

 

[Phroig]

Some of us seem to be saying they would happily support their kids if necessary. (I would too.) That's different from an entitled kid expecting that support as their right.
I see an increasing number of these kids on campus. They bring these same attitudes to the classroom.

 

[pjigar]

Yep. Now throw in student debt, the pandemic, and the fact they need $50K or more as a down payment on a house nowadays. Consider the amount of down payment we needed to buy our first house, as a percent of our yearly salary. It was probably more like 25% of our annual earnings, not 50% to 75% of it, like it is for Gen Z'ers.

History has not been too different for us (Gen-X). I had a college debt worth about 50% of my gross annual income. All the houses we bought had a down payment of about 50% of our annual income. It was very hard to buy our first house but all the others were a lot easier due to built-up equity. This is an anecdotal experience; but in general, history always rhymes. The sky was falling too when I was young but persistent LBYM and compounding has done magic to our finances. I think every generation can do it if they want. The Millennials and Gen-Z I see around me don't want to give up "essentials" like eating out, uber eats, nice cars, nice vacations, <put your own thing you can't live without>, etc.

I try to be a financial coach to anyone who asks. The last guy I tried to coach said that they have absolute no room to save any money (he makes upward of 100K annually). There is always room to save but most people don't want to go through the pain of cutting back. YMMV.

PS: Another guy I coached about 6 years ago (same age, same kids, similar income profile), has 2 rentals and a sizable stock portfolio now. He wants coaching about what to invest beyond rental and stocks now. Same age group but different mindset. Like I said, YMMV.

 

[tulak]

Not much to add, except I see a lot of young people doing just fine on their own, my kids included. They don’t expect anything.

I shared the post with my kids and they laughed and said he sounded entitled. Not that they wouldn’t want extra money.

And if it was the opposite, kids successful and parents struggling, would the parents want/expect help? I’m sure some would and some wouldn’t.

 

[pacergal]

Agree the reddit post was probably fake.
But I know there were many times while DH and I were raising our kids that we barely had 2 nickels to rub together when payday came and went, after paying bills and buying groceries!
We live in a wealthier suburb and our kids knew we did not have the $ to buy them Mercedes or range rovers when they turned 16 like their friends.
They turned out AOK, have a good respect for money and savings with LBYM mentality.

DH and I got a little help from family and a few unexpected smaller inheritances along the way.
We are blessed with what we have and do share with our kids as appropriate.
We hopefully have enough to get us safely to the end, with some leftover over for the kids.
Although, they both tell us to spend it all on ourselves.
They are good, level headed kids.

 

[Texas Proud]

Ohhh, just thought of another example that can enter the picture...

I have a friend who has an older sister that has constantly been having financial difficulty... but it is HER making... she has a buying problem and does not address it...

She has been evicted many times... have had a number of cars repoed... she has been bad at picking BFs... I remember telling her that her BF lied to her, cheated on her and stole from her... what was so good about him?

One time her mom called me and ask if she should help her out as her house was about to be foreclosed... I said that whatever money you give will be wasted since she will not change her ways... it will only delay the foreclosure... she agreed and did not help...

 

[livingalmostlarge]

Except when it's reversed. My in-laws never pick up a check and literally ask us for money every single time and now it's blatent. Asking us to buy them a bigger condo than their $1M new condo they just bought because it's not big enough. Enough already.

 

[dmpi]

How can you not know that your parents or in-laws are loaded? I find that hard to believe, especially so if the kid already displays strong entitlement issues.

 

[FIREd]

I am a GenXer. I'm 50 and I have yet to receive a single cent from my well-off father. He has helped my sister plenty (she's been living for almost free in one of his condos for 15+years, she always gets my dad's paid off 4-5 year old car when he upgrades, and she seems to be highly favored in his will). And the funny thing is, my father truly seems to believe that he has always treated us equally. All my cousins have received money from their parents for a downpayment to purchase their first home. One uncle of mine even offered a home to each one of his children when they were in their 20s and they never had to pay rent or a mortgage payment in their life. I am the only one who has received zilch. I left home at 18 and always paid my way. It builds character. Nothing got handed to me. What I own is mine and mine only and I feel a ton of pride about it. I depend on no one. I owe no one. I can tell people to F off. And I have to say that I am better off than almost everyone else in the family, which ironically makes people who had stuff handed out to them really jealous. They even have the nerve to come hit me for money every once in a while.

Don't covet other people's stuff. Build your own. And in the OP's case, stop whining you baby, if you wait long enough you'll inherit $10M one day. Am I supposed to cry about it?

 

[Koolau]

We spent a small fortune insuring that our kids attended the best schools in the county. The "down side" was that many of the kids in the best school also wore the best clothes, drove the latest nice cars and dated the cheerleaders or athletes. Our kids competed academically but we weren't going to try to keep up with the "Jones'" kids in the "consumerism" racket.

 

[Qs Laptop]

I'm the OP and I'd like to get this thread back on track.

1. Never mind that the post might be "fake". It's merely a launching off point to get into the discussion.

2. This is not about buying high schoolers cars or paying for your child's education. This is about children of boomers now in their 30's and 40's with kids that are struggling to make ends meet (and let's assume they are not spending their money on imported organic food for their pet iguanas, but have real needs.)

3. This is not about your personal experiences when you were in your teens, 20's, or 30's. Nor is it about your extended family or your neighbors.

This is about:
This idea of "gifting with a warm hand" is big around here. If the millennial kids are going to inherit the money anyway, why not let them have some of it now, when they really need it as opposed to when they are in their 50's and the grandkids are already out of college?

 

[RetiredHappy]

I'm the OP and I'd like to get this thread back on track.

This is about:
This idea of "gifting with a warm hand" is big around here. If the millennial kids are going to inherit the money anyway, why not let them have some of it now, when they really need it as opposed to when they are in their 50's and the grandkids are already out of college?

Absolutely! Whatever we don't need and will eventually become inheritance, I would want to give the money to responsible adult children now.

However, if they act entitled and disrepectful, then most of their inheritance would go to charity. Nothing in the meantime.

 

[momoney]

I dunno.

My mom was a stay home mom.

My wife is/was a stay home mom.

No chance my kids can pull that off, living in the same relative geographical location to where they grew up, baring any monster job. comparing similar situations (location) and employment (job status) it's a much higher hill to climb.

Wages haven't kept pace with inflation, and housing costs outpace income.

And the days of great health insurance with almost no out of pocket costs and pensions....But back then money was actually in our wallets/purses/mattresses and it took more effort to spend it. Now you can click a few buttons and empty your savings.

 

[pjigar]

Absolutely! Whatever we don't need and will eventually become inheritance, I would want to give the money to responsible adult children now.

Same here. In fact, we just started doing this as soon as DD got her first paying job.

 

[audreyh1]

I'm the OP and I'd like to get this thread back on track.

1. Never mind that the post might be "fake". It's merely a launching off point to get into the discussion.

2. This is not about buying high schoolers cars or paying for your child's education. This is about children of boomers now in their 30's and 40's with kids that are struggling to make ends meet (and let's assume they are not spending their money on imported organic food for their pet iguanas, but have real needs.)

3. This is not about your personal experiences when you were in your teens, 20's, or 30's. Nor is it about your extended family or your neighbors.

This is about:
This idea of "gifting with a warm hand" is big around here. If the millennial kids are going to inherit the money anyway, why not let them have some of it now, when they really need it as opposed to when they are in their 50's and the grandkids are already out of college?

We’re gifting with a warm hand but we don’t have kids and our heirs are only a few years younger. Definitely not millennials. I have no opinions about whether others should gift with a warm hand to their millennial children.

 

[flyingaway]

If you have too much money and don't know how to spend it, like many here claim to be in that situation, why not give some to your children so that they can have a lifestyle they want? Why donate to a charity before donate to your children?

 

[Gumby]

I'm the OP and I'd like to get this thread back on track.

1. Never mind that the post might be "fake". It's merely a launching off point to get into the discussion.

2. This is not about buying high schoolers cars or paying for your child's education. This is about children of boomers now in their 30's and 40's with kids that are struggling to make ends meet (and let's assume they are not spending their money on imported organic food for their pet iguanas, but have real needs.)

3. This is not about your personal experiences when you were in your teens, 20's, or 30's. Nor is it about your extended family or your neighbors.

This is about:
This idea of "gifting with a warm hand" is big around here. If the millennial kids are going to inherit the money anyway, why not let them have some of it now, when they really need it as opposed to when they are in their 50's and the grandkids are already out of college?

An oft-discussed topic and one on which I'm sure opinions will not change. Maybe you have an unblemished crystal ball, but I don't. Whoever gets my money will get it after I'm gone. Until then, I have no idea whether or not I will need it, and no place to turn to for help should I give it away and have insufficient money left for exigencies.

If you want to give money to your kids now, then go ahead and do it. You do not need permission from me or anyone else.