Should Financially Secure Boomers Help their Millennial and Gen Z Kids? Thought Provoking Example...

[marko]

Here's an interesting excerpt/perspective (bolds mine) from the "receiver's" point of view via The Heirs Journal:

"Growing up with a wealthy father, I've come to realize a bitter truth: the fortune that's supposed to provide security often becomes a barrier to genuine relationships, especially with our parents.

My relationship with my father is a perfect example of this paradox.
On paper, we have it all—financial stability, endless opportunities, the luxury of choice.
But dig a little deeper, and you'll find a relationship stuck in time, unable to grow beyond the roles of provider and dependent.

The flow of money from his accounts to mine reinforces an unspoken message:

I'm in my 30s but he can’t help but see me as "his little boy."

This financial umbilical cord, while well-intentioned, has become a chain that keeps our relationship from maturing into one between equals.
These fathers, driven by love and a desire to provide, end up creating a dynamic where money becomes a poor substitute for real emotional bonds.
What should be relationships built on love and respect become tangled webs of financial dependency and unspoken fears.

For us heirs, the consequences are both profound and demeaning.
Many of us end up as modern-day court jesters to our fathers' financial kings. We feel constant pressure to please, to not rock the boat. Every interaction carries the unspoken threat of falling out of favor with the all-important provider.

This leads to a pitiful charade that eats away at the very foundation of family love.
Our fathers might convince themselves that our compliance means family harmony, ignoring the strain underlying every interaction.

Both sides engage in an elaborate dance of false affection, choreographed by the silent conductor of financial dependency.

The result is a relationship built on sand. "

 

[Music Lover]

Let's say the parents in the article gift $100K, $200K, or $500K to the person in the article, I would predict that after a relatively short time, that OP would end up where they were before the gift was given financially. Below were the indicators allowing me to make the prediction:
1- Two decades of work with no significant saving (none mentioned, I believe).
2- $20K cc debt appeared to indicate a LAYM (vs LBYM) life style.
3- The mind set that there should be more $ coming from the parents, so why need to save (?)
#1 and #2 could be the result of some recent hardship (medical issues etc.) that were not mentioned. #3 seems to be the current thinking of the person.

Just to play devil's advocate (I'm not picking on you):

- maybe they have low paying jobs through no fault of their own. After all, not everyone is capable of earing a good salary.

- perhaps they stayed in a HCOL area to be close to family

If they're good people and the circumstances are beyond/mostly beyond their control, then parents with $10 million in assets could chip in a little bit to help them get their head above water.

Of course, maybe they waste money needlessly, and then it's a different story.

 

[street]

Just wanted to comment on the real-life stories you shared. A lot of very humble starts in life and how giving/helping can make a difference if you can help. Sometimes helping can be a negative experience though depends on the person receiving.

 

[marko]

Just wanted to comment on the real-life stories you shared. A lot of very humble starts in life and how giving/helping can make a difference if you can help. Sometimes helping can be a negative experience though depends on the person receiving.

+1 Money just amplifies a person's personality. I've mentioned here several times how, half my high school class were trust fund kiddies.

Half of them went on to become doctors, lawyers and just genuinely good, relatively normal people. The other half were dead, or should have been dead before they hit 40 due to what we now call "poor life choices". I've even seen that split happen with siblings, raised in the same family.

 

[Texas Proud]

Also commenting on the story... my DD is not yet 21.... still in college and me paying for everything...

She was here last year (when 20) and told me that she was an adult and I should treat her that way... I said not matter what you will always be my daughter... but if you want to be treated completely like an adult then pay for your own expenses... I have zero problems with that...

BTW, I do not tell her where to spend her money... or what to do with her life... she gets some money from me that can pay her bills.. the blow up occurred when she was trying to tell me what I could do in MY house... I do give advice if asked... if not asked I do not... she really is independent...

But my point is... if you want to get out of that provider/dependent role then stop being a dependent!!

 

[marko]

But my point is... if you want to get out of that provider/dependent role then stop being a dependent!!

Forty years ago I almost married a girl who's daddy was shoveling her $100,000........each quarter! Hard to walk away from that for her, but the dependent/ provider role, and its pitfalls we're one of the reasons I decided it wasn't for me. Very strange, somewhat spooky family dynamic with more being unsaid than said.

She could've written my post #201

 

[youbet]

But my point is... if you want to get out of that provider/dependent role then stop being a dependent!!

Really well said TP and I agree completely!

 

[chris2008]

After a certain point, "big time money" is nothing more than a means of comparing one's (probably sadly inadequate)"unit". A real man just needs enough money to live as he wants.

Also commenting on the story... my DD is not yet 21.... still in college and me paying for everything...

She was here last year (when 20) and told me that she was an adult and I should treat her that way... I said not matter what you will always be my daughter... but if you want to be treated completely like an adult then pay for your own expenses... I have zero problems with that...

BTW, I do not tell her where to spend her money... or what to do with her life... she gets some money from me that can pay her bills.. the blow up occurred when she was trying to tell me what I could do in MY house... I do give advice if asked... if not asked I do not... she really is independent...

But my point is... if you want to get out of that provider/dependent role then stop being a dependent!!

I would like to know about her reaction.

 

[PointBreeze]

When I was 16 (1975) and the oldest of 5 kids, my Dad took me for a ride in the car and told me he could afford $2k/year for me to go to college. I could go anywhere I wanted, but anything over $2k/year was my responsibility. That really helped me to plan and set expectations clearly.

When I won a very competitive full tuition scholarship, he paid my $1500/year room and board, but did not give me the other $500 (which I could have really used for books and taking the bus home at the end of each semester). At the time I was hurt, but looking back, it turned me into a resourceful, responsible, independent, confident adult who always lived well below her means and never expected anyone to bail me out of anything, and who retired at 58 without a pension, even after spending most of my career working for resource-strapped non-profits.

I bought a beat-up fixer-upper ranch and learned how to renovate it, which only increased my confidence. Early in my career, I saw my colleagues with bigger cars, nicer houses, expensive stereos and TVs, going on vacations I would never have dreamed of going on, and at first I wondered why I wasn't managing my money as well as they were. Then I realized they were all in debt and I was saving for retirement

Thanks, Dad!

 

[imnontrad]

I don't provide life support except -
My daughter called me in July. They live in NM and were getting ready for an upcoming (planned) open heart surgery (in AZ) for my grandson. And then she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. They were trying to juggle his surgery with getting her into surgery.
I suggested she go to MD Anderson in Houston for diagnosis and care. And I told her I would cover any of the costs not covered by their insurance.
Well, she was able to go for a diagnosis and surgery the following week. Then when was able to heal enough before her son went into surgery.
Yes, both are doing fine. She is now cancer free and he has a new heart valve (although that may need to be replaced with a much less invasive procedure). All in all, worth my $7,500 contribution for her to have the confidence to go to MD Anderson instead of local.

 

[Lewis Clark]

I don't provide life support except -
My daughter called me in July. They live in NM and were getting ready for an upcoming (planned) open heart surgery (in AZ) for my grandson. And then she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. They were trying to juggle his surgery with getting her into surgery.
I suggested she go to MD Anderson in Houston for diagnosis and care. And I told her I would cover any of the costs not covered by their insurance.
Well, she was able to go for a diagnosis and surgery the following week. Then when was able to heal enough before her son went into surgery.
Yes, both are doing fine. She is now cancer free and he has a new heart valve (although that may need to be replaced with a much less invasive procedure). All in all, worth my $7,500 contribution for her to have the confidence to go to MD Anderson instead of local.

A different kind of life support. Very nice. : )

 

[athena53]

Yes, both are doing fine. She is now cancer free and he has a new heart valve (although that may need to be replaced with a much less invasive procedure). All in all, worth my $7,500 contribution for her to have the confidence to go to MD Anderson instead of local.

What a blessing. That's what money is for.

 

[Out of Steam]

Yup, when I was 16 my dad bought me a car. I couldn't drive it until I put a new transmission in it though. As you can see from the photo it also needed a little bit of other work....

The two cars that my wife and I have given our adult daughter over the years were pretty old (both over 100K miles), but no match for that one!!

 

[Texas Proud]

I think most parents would do the same... at least I would...

No reason to hold onto money when someones life is in danger... and it was not a spending choice she made that put her in the situation she was in...

 

[marko]

Here's another timely excerpt from "The Heirs Journal" which came out this week:

"....I remember watching an interview with Shaquille O'Neal where he famously told his children:

"We are not rich. I am rich."

When I first heard this, I thought, "Wow, that's a clear-cut way to set boundaries."

But let's be honest, when it comes to family wealth, nothing is ever that simple.

Sure, Shaq made the money, and it's sitting in his bank account for now. But at some point, like most wealthy parents, he'll want to help his kids out.

It's a natural instinct, right?

We want to provide for our children, to give them opportunities we might not have had.

But here's the thing: setting clear boundaries between parents' money and their children's is easier said than done.

I've seen this struggle firsthand in my family and in many others I know.

Many of today's wealthy parents, like my father, are first-generation millionaires.

They've built their fortunes through hard work, smart investments, or successful businesses.

Unlike old money families, they don't have generations of experience in managing family wealth.

There's no rulebook, no established protocols to follow.

These self-made millionaires find themselves in uncharted territory. They're trying to balance their desire to provide for their children with the fear of spoiling them rotten.

Without inherited wisdom or family precedents to guide them, these parents often grapple with questions that keep them up at night.

How much should they give?
When is the right time to give it?
How do they prepare their children for the responsibilities that come with wealth?

This lack of generational knowledge often leads to inconsistent decision-making and uncertainty.

It's confusing, to say the least.

And let me tell you, this lack of clear boundaries and strategy carries some heavy consequences for us heirs.

It messes with our sense of control and decision-making, which are at the core of what it means to truly own something.

Think about it: when you own something, you should be able to decide what to do with it, right?

But in family wealth scenarios, decision-making is often shared or subject to approval from other family members or trustees....."

 

[Texas Proud]

Just an FYI... I heard that saying about the parent being rich but not the kids on the Cosby Show... way before Shaq...

 

[marko]

Just an FYI... I heard that saying about the parent being rich but not the kids on the Cosby Show... way before Shaq...

I'll try to forward that to the author of the article.

 

[ProspectiveBum]

Just an FYI... I heard that saying about the parent being rich but not the kids on the Cosby Show... way before Shaq...

First thing I thought of, too. I may have repeated this one to my children a time or two.