Struggling

[tmitchell]

Looking for some wisdom here. I’m just over three years into RE. Well I’m about to turn 58 so not very early . Before I continue I realize what I’m about to say puts me in a very privileged category, and I am indeed very grateful for what FI has given me.

That said, I feel like I’ve followed all the advice. I study a foreign language, have taken up drawing, exercise daily, belong to a yoga community, am ticking off bucket list travel itineraries. I tried volunteering which wasn’t for me, but started a mentoring business helping creatives looking to build out their talents. It’s sort of come & go but satisfying when I have clients. I read, hike, have gone camping, and experimented with other random things like a tarot class just to see.

We don’t have children so grandkids don’t fill up my time, and my younger partner still works, as do all but one friend who is broke and dealing with health issues—we usually just get coffee or sit and talk. My social life has tanked as a result and living in in a major city where people live to work doesn’t help. Due to my partners job we can’t really leave, unless it’s another major market which doesn’t seem like a great solution. If I were single or with a FI partner I might try out Europe or a mid size city that has easier social patterns. I do actually have lots of friends scattered around the world and have been taking trips to visit them, but that gets expensive real fast.

I love not having a high pressure career, but I just find that trying to fill my time is very hard even with all the activities. I don’t really want to work at Starbucks or something. Productive hobbies are fun, but it’s not like having mission driven work activities.

Anyway just wondering if anyone can relate and has found any solutions? I’ve wondered if I should just go back to work but that feels a bit like a cop out.

Thank you

 

[omni550]

I retired at 56 and felt a lot of what you've mentioned.

I joined a bunch of meetup groups -- hiking, social activities, short trips, etc. I was easily the oldest, but they were very accepting and welcoming.

After a few years I noticed that some others in my age cohort were starting to retire, and they started Boomer meetups, which gave me folks my own age to socialize with. I bought a condo in Florida, which gave me TONS more people my age and older to 'play' with.

DNA testing uncovered a cousin in Europe, with whom I've become quite close. I usually spend a month with her and her family "getting caught up" on the many decades we didn't know each other.

I've taken a bunch of craft and art classes.

I found that ongoing volunteering doesn't work for me, but I prefer one-time volunteer efforts (like volunteering for a few hours at an art fair).

I attend free lectures at a nearby college and libraries. I play trivia weekly at a nearby club.

I recently found and joined a "newcomers club" in my Florida town. They are well-organized and have more activities than I can possibly attend.

I like having some structured time and lots of free time.

omni

 

[marko]

Wish I could help but my early experience wasn't like what you're going through.

You seem to have the need to "do" something. Maybe analyze that?
I found transistional pleasure in quiet experiences like going to the beach, skiing, visiting the large city near me, coffee on a sidewalk cafe etc.

My job was quite hectic and involved 80% international travel, so sitting still was a welcome change.

How far from RE is you're partner's retirement? If it's soon that may help your angst.

 

[RetiredHappy]

Work used to be my life, hobby and identity. I found myself retired at 53 and without a real hobby. My husband insisted that I pick up golf. 10 years later, golf has become all consuming. I golf 4 to 5 days a week, and I play in quite a few tournaments, some of the tournaments are to play for my (country) club against other private clubs, member-member, member-guest, other fun tournaments organized by my club or state golf association. It keeps me healthy, i.e. get my heart pumping, burn calories, build a little muscle etc. I have little interest to do anything else. We had also moved out of state after we retired and my life is now quite fulfilling.

 

[Dtail]

Like @RetiredHappy, myself and some others, it is really nice to have an all or somewhat consuming hobby, Mine is Pickleball.
It is not for everyone for sure to be super involved, but throwing it out there.

 

[Exchme]

I went back to the old employer as a consultant on a WFH part time basis. Gives me some interaction and helps keep my brain from turning to mush. They have smart people but sometimes there is no substitute for experience.

 

[Lewis Clark]

I can relate. In spite of the common advice, I retired five years ago "from something" rather than "to something". But I had gotten of tired of my work and decided I could develop activities to keep me as busy as I want to be. It's been a mixed bag so far.

I have exercised more, but some health issues have slowed me down and I cannot do as much as I would like.

We do travel more, almost entirely at my wife's urging. But I no longer have much interest in travel for the sake of travel. The hassles of airlines, traffic, and hotel stays are increasing while the joys of seeing new places are waning.

I am reading more to help fill the time.

Good volunteer work has proven difficult to find. There are many opportunities available for potential volunteers to do stuff if the primary goal is to have something to do. I was hoping to find volunteer activities that would let me support causes in which I am interested. Most of the activities I have found depend on helping paid employees working toward those causes, but many of those people have trouble delegating tasks to volunteers, so I haven't lasted long. The search continues.

Retired life is good overall, though.

 

[Car-Guy]

Chill and be spontaneous..... In 15 years you'll wish you could still do the things you can today. Oh, and 15 years ain't that long. That's the way I did it... Maybe got a little lazy in the process but I'm happy the way it's worked out.

 

[GrayHare]

It sounds to me like you are missing socializing. Even if you do not belong to a church, many church groups permit others to join. Some of these groups are religious in nature and others not. Many are basically excuses to get out and socialize.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I retired at 58 and have been retired for 13 years. For the first eight years I taught an online college class, which I just loved. For all, but three of the 13 years I have consulted in my previous profession which wasn’t teaching. I still consult part-time to this day.

I was married when I retired and he retired shortly after and we did a lot of traveling. During that time, we also took care of some of our friends so they could remain in their homes until they died. I also did some volunteer work. I found that to be not very rewarding. I have a lot of friends, but they were younger than me and they didn’t retire until quite a while after I did.

After my divorce four years ago, I bought a condo and although it’s not in a senior building, probably half the people are seniors. I’ve made five good friends and we do a lot of things together besides my other friends. I’ve had people asked me when I’m going to quit my consulting work entirely, and probably not unless my health makes it untenable.

 

[CalBird]

I played a lot more golf after retirement. I started lessons to get my private pilot license. Trying to exercise in daily basis. I should be able to fill the time with lots of traveling once my younger son is in college next year.

 

[RetiredHappy]

We travel about 3 months a year, over 3 to 4 trips, to get out of the summer heat and winter cold. We continue to golf when we travel. Our calendar is always full, including some social events with friends that we have made through the country club.

 

[aja8888]

My wife died, I got a dog, a young one, and he keeps me very busy. Plus he likes it when I have a conversation with him and he never complains. (LOL)

I have a lot of friends my age that I see regularly for breakfast and short trips we do as a group.

It kind of sucks being "single" at an older age, but I am getting used to it.

 

[Teacher Terry]

My wife died, I got a dog, a young one, and he keeps me very busy. Plus he likes it when I have a conversation with him and he never complains. (LOL)

I have a lot of friends my age that I see regularly for breakfast and short trips we do as a group.

It kind of sucks being "single" at an older age, but I am getting used to it.

It’s definitely been a big change for me and it happened at 66. I’m 70 now and no longer take road trips because they’re not any fun alone. I have taken a couple trips to Europe with a friend.

I think one of the things I miss the most about not having a partner is having someone to spontaneously go out to dinner with or decide to do something else fun. Now I have to plan ahead and ask a friend or just do it by myself plus there’s no longer somebody in the house to talk to when you just feel like it. You have to either call people or invite people over.

I have spent most of my life married so was used to always being with somebody. However, there’s many positives too such as nobody is ever criticizing what I do or how I do it. I don’t have to think about anyone other than myself and my dogs. It’s very peaceful.

 

[Gumby]

I have a garden, which requires constant attention during the growing season. Although I'm usually alone in my plot, there are sometimes group activities in which I participate or just casual conversations with other gardeners who are also tending their plots. I also spend a lot of time with my church. Among other things, I do the accounts receivable (alternating with one other person); sing in the choir, work in the food pantry and am part of the team that mows the lawns regularly. So I am in church several times a week. Aside from helping me do something useful, it gives me a bit of a social life as well. And I am also fortunate to live in a neighborhood where people regularly talk to each other informally at a minimum and occasionally share meals and activities. I am actually less socially isolated than when I was working.

 

[aja8888]

It’s definitely been a big change for me and it happened at 66. I’m 70 now and no longer take road trips because they’re not any fun alone. I have taken a couple trips to Europe with a friend.

I think one of the things I miss the most about not having a partner is having someone to spontaneously go out to dinner with or decide to do something else fun. Now I have to plan ahead and ask a friend or just do it by myself plus there’s no longer somebody in the house to talk to when you just feel like it. You have to either call people or invite people over.

I have spent most of my life married so was used to always being with somebody. However, there’s many positives too such as nobody is ever criticizing what I do or how I do it. I don’t have to think about anyone other than myself and my dogs. It’s very peaceful.

Good post, definitely fits my situation and I feel the same way. I just finished a long road trip (alone) and I think I am done with that too.

 

[planuntilthefisthits]

OP, fellow DINK here who retired well before my wife. I feel and felt your pain.

Before my wife retired, I filled my time with a planned mission to audit undergrad courses I never took. I found one subject that ignited a passion and took most of the undergrad and some of the grad curriculum. I also used my free time in a mission to reduce wife's household burden, as she was reaching the upper echelon of her career path.

I made a bunch of new friends and learned fun new skills at our local Osher venue.
The Bernard Osher Foundation | Osher Lifelong Learning Institutes

There is nothing better for having fun and making friends than Pickleball and Golf.

Have you considered volunteering as a SCORE mentor? Home page

Good luck!

 

[COcheesehead]

Just doing “things” doesn’t provide fulfillment. Your activities should connect with your values. Determine what you value, what’s important to you and then concentrate on activities that address those values.
Otherwise you’re just spit balling.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

I FIRED on January 1, 2016 after 32 years of self employment in a one man business. Lucky I made it out alive. I was 51. Lots of money I will never spend.

Work is for making money, not defining who you are.

Volunteering can eat you alive too, and worse yet, being underemployed because you think you are too young to be retired and still work at Menards. Home Depot or Walmart (out of guilt) is not worth it.

If anyone who stops working and have enough money....Have fun and get on with it. Don't feel guilty.

I wish someone would have drilled that into me when I ER'd 9 years ago. Biggest problem is nobody near my age is ready to be retired. I hung around with retired old folks, makes you feel old too. Good thing in an introvert and my dog doesn't care.
















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[NeilDH]

OP, your predicament has come up around this site before (and I haven't even been on it that long). One person put it well: You can do things that are pleasant, but finding the thing that really gets your blood pumping is more difficult. I'm lucky that I've found it (cycling and blogging about it). You seem to be on to something with your mentoring for creatives. I wonder if it could be expanded to non-paying clients -- mentoring students or what not.

Unfortunately, only you'll know what'll move you. But I've already heard many times here many regrets after returning to work to fill the time.

 

[FlaGator]

Be very grateful there is someone you value in your daily life.

After a great career, being a widowed single parent, and later re-married and divorced, I'm glad to have left behind the desire to "do something meaningful". Every day I wake up is a good day, but the accepting the idea of "just living" has been slower take hold.

I don't think there are easy or universal answers to this, and I am dealing with it yet again after 10 years into ER. And my sibs are too, ranging from 61-70, all retired after active lives and careers.

Good suggestions above, some may fit your schedule and preferences. How much uncommitted time are you looking to fill? M->F 8-5? Week or two at a time? Do you know what you're looking for, other than something different than it's been? Those have been hard questions for me to answer. "Not this" is the best I have come up with.

I have a periodic companion living independently and still working. Jamming everything into 48 hours on the weekend doesn't always fit with my other interests and commitments.

When my now-ex decided to go back to work FT, I restarted dormant interests including buying a motorcycle for local day trips and was always home in time to cook dinner. Perhaps there is something similar that is interesting enough to fill a few days each week.

More empathy for your situation than ideas.

 

[Sunset]

OP - I don't think going back to work is a cop out, if it will fulfill your interest and solve the issue of you not working while your wife works.

I eased into retirement, by working on an as needed basis for 1 customer, and their need became less and less each year. I actually liked it as it filled in some days, and of course the $ felt nice.

I still considered myself retired as doing some work is like volunteering except you get paid (and people respect you more (IMHO) ).

Maybe do some part-time work, can be a different field or maybe even same type of work/job.

 

[Diogenes]

Looking for some wisdom here. I’m just over three years into RE. Well I’m about to turn 58 so not very early ....

Retiring at 54-55 is still quite early. One supposes that there's a psychological impediment, in some cases, to having a fulfilling retirement: sense of propriety and sense of guilt. It's like graduating from high school 2 years early, and being too young for the next stage (college?). One feels... displaced. Sense of propriety demands, or at least nags, that we continue our careers, or resume them. Sense of guilt is that no, we shouldn't be having fun, or sleeping-in... we should be working! That's even if the much-hallowed Firecalc says that we have 100% chance of not only success, but dying with 3X the money that we currently have.

Question: did you retire deliberately, on your own terms? Or were you forced out, or at least nudged out, and looking at the finances, decided to dub it "early retirement"? Big difference between the two! The former means a sense of satisfaction. Propriety and guilt aren't really operative, or at least aren't intense. The latter is... the opposite.

 

[Dd852]

For me, being "semi retired" has been the key. I left full-time employment in 2012, and ever since then I've had a consulting business that I turn off and on as I desire. We were lucky to be totally FI, so the business exists only for extra trips and frills. I have the freedom to say "no" to as many projects as I want and to price myself as high as I want .... unless I'm going through a phase like you are where I crave activity and fellowship when I suddenly start saying "yes" and quoting jobs very affordably! Even if I'm not on a project, I have the motivation to keep my mind sharp in my area, to keep reading and having coffees with people to stay current. I recommend it. These days (just turned 65) I'm activating the business less and less, but it is still there for a few hours a month to keep me feeling useful.

 

[Koolau]

We are blessed that we don't consider "down time" as wasted. Call us lazy and we won't even flinch. We have plenty of friends here and on the mainland. We're not particularly active except with our church and our friends. We don't need constant travel or activities to avoid boredom.

We're all different and we all need different levels of stimulation. Best luck in finding your new normal.