Struggling

[Sanstar]

^^^ This
My life’s work was very mission oriented caring for sick and injured infants and children. I knew it would be tough to go from an always stressful, full throttle, 24 x 7 work to zero, overnight at 59. Three years before retiring, I became a CASA (court appointed special advocate for children). I continued this for 5 years, increasing my role and responsibilities, until DH retired, and stepping down to travel.

What drew you, and kept you in your career, besides $? As an adult member of your community, what matters to you? If you could turn back the clock and were just getting started, what would you do if money wasn’t needed? Today is the time to start.

 

[pb4uski]

I'm proof of the old saying that "I'm so busy in retirement that I don't know how I ever found time for work".

Much of my time has been taken helping friends and family.

I was the court appointed guardian for both my grandmother and a great-aunt and executor of their estates after they had passed as well as arranging their committals. I handled DM's finances and was trustee of her and Dad's trusts and the distribution of those. I managed a commercial rental for DM after DF died and then managed the sale of the property earlier this year. I served as a director and treasurer of our Florida condo association for 2 years. I've been a director and treasurer of our summer home's lake association for 9 years. We done two moves since I retired. Helped a good friend who is technophobic sign up for Medicare and Social Security, Medigap and helped him organize his finances. I also organized and manage the family LLC that owns a summer home that my siblings and I share.

I occasionally have quiet periods, but they don't seem to last long with golf and family activities.

 

[imjustawarrior]

If you are happier working, then work. There is no shame in working.

It may be time to step back and look at your values and what your identity is tied to.

One more random thought. Do you have any goals? I retired 2 years ago. I still have goals that I work towards.

 

[pacergal]

Op--Why would going back to work be a cop out?
When you are retired, you get the opportunity to choose what you do every day. If you can find work that is rewarding and meaningful, then do it if you wish.
Being in retirement, to me, does not mean that I have to fill every second of every day with "something". Downtime is valuable.
We did not retire early (age 60) but 5 years sooner than we originally thought. At first we traveled more than we ever had, I took classes and volunteered. I also went back to work on call for a while. Working on call was actually fun, but I got to the point where I resented having to go in, so I knew it was time to stop.
Now, 9 years in, I am happy spending my day reading, gardening, visiting with nearby family, occasional travel, and still stay in touch with a few work friends.

Have you read Ernie Zelinskis How to Retire Wild, Happy, and Free?
His "get a life" tree exercise is great and I go back to it frequently.

Best Wishes to you

 

[tmm99]

Like a couple of people mentioned, I'd say, try pickleball, if you don't mind a little exercise. Pickleball has a very short learning curve compared to many sports. You can find places to play everywhere (ex., community centres) and it doesn't cost much money to start. And the people are generally nice/friendly. You could take a short beginner's class and go from there.

 

[sengsational]

Chill and be spontaneous..... In 15 years you'll wish you could still do the things you can today. Oh, and 15 years ain't that long. That's the way I did it... Maybe got a little lazy in the process but I'm happy the way it's worked out.

The above is a good place to start because it reminds you that there's not unlimited time. I'm never going to do pickleball... I've never been into competition, even very friendly competition. But I have a hobby now that I will not be able to manage, physically, for much longer. So that's motivation to keep fit.

One thing I had to get over was what "everyone else" might think was a waste of time. I'm the main committer to an open source project, and I love it when there's a bug to fix. And when I do a project around the house and there's no good YouTube video, I make one (not monetized). I figure the project takes 3x the time. A few "thanks for making the video is the only payment I get, and that's more than enough.

Like PB says, I can't figure out how I squeezed in work, back in the old days...my days are packed and there's a long list. One difference is that, while working, I was hell-bent on results. Now I'm all about enjoying the process. If it means another trip to the store, or a walk to the garage to get the tool that will make it easier or better, I don't rush the trip...I just stroll and smell the flowers (sometimes literally). That attitude didn't just appear, though, it had to be cultivated and requires constant upkeep.

 

[jollystomper]

OP, you mentioned you have a partner that still works. Are there shared interests you have with your partner, or things that your partner is unable to do due to their work commitment, that you could spend time on? After all, retirement should not be about just oneself, if one has a partner.

 

[Diogenes]

Much of my time has been taken helping friends and family.

A very worthwhile pursuit!

But not all of us have relatives. For "elder orphans", or whatever is the operative term, the quest becomes, how to find and nurture friendships. I have a standing invitation to help my small circle of friends with domestic chores, auto repair, giving rides to the airport... but takers are few. Many are uncomfortable with the imposition, feeling perhaps that they need to reciprocate, even if I copiously remind them, that the pleasure is all mine, as it gives me something to do, plus a sense of being useful. Others are too busy to even bother, preferring to outsource the work to professionals.

Part of FIRE is replacing the community of coworkers that one formerly had, with a new community, of... somebody.

 

[pb4uski]

Fair points. A good friend of mine is in that spot... parents are gone, no siblings, no family at all other than some long lost relatives in Canada. He's even having trouble deciding who his beneficiaries should be should something happen to him... it will likely be some local charities.

I think he does struggle a little with something meaningful to do.

 

[Al18]

As an early retiree, you’ll need to reinvent yourself and find activities that bring you meaning. Easier said than done.

I’ve found growing tomatoes and peppers in a raised garden bed planters to be a good start. I like the 2 1/2 x 3 feet City Picker planter at Home Depot. It’s an inexpensive hobby that you can be done on a patio, and offers great yield. The plants are available now - start your garden!

 

[AZsniper]

Sorry about your situation. I retire in a few months (46) and have narrowed down that I feel stressed when I am not "being productive." I hope to be able to just relax a bit more and spend more time exercising and preparing really good and healthy meals. And traveling in my van! Maybe I will work again, don't be ashamed to do that!

 

[flyingaway]

Retired almost 4 years. Travelling, learning Spanish using Duolingo, fishing, gardening (fruit trres and flowers). I don't have enough time for each of my day.
The most important thing is DOING ALL THINGS YOURSELF. For example, for travelling, do all planning yourself, where to go, buy tickets, book hotels, choose sites to visit, half of the fun is in the planning. If you just pay and join a tour group, you might feel you do not have much to do.
For gardening, I graft fruit trees, propagate flowers from cuttings or leaves. I watch the flowers grow every day and all day, take good care of them.
By the way, before retired at 57 as a tenured professor in computer science, I don't do most of these things, except travellings.

 

[freedomatlast]

There's nothing wrong with getting a job that you enjoy and find interesting, that's low stress to fulfil your need to be doing something and to have human interaction. This is not a really popular option on this site, but it can work for some and having the extra cash to blow on something fun doesn't hurt either.

 

[EastWest Gal]

If you have ever played a musical instrument, seek out local community bands and join one. Or if you can hold a pitch, you can sing in a community choir. My music activities are keeping me almost too busy.

You can help out at a community theater with building the sets, managing the box office and helping with building maintenance. Do it regularly and you will make friends. My husband spent countless hours organizing the props space at a local theater. How about Habitat for Humanity, animal rescue, or other organizations? I have better friendships in my music activities than I ever did working. Really great people, and no bullies.

I also think that the search for meaning or purpose in life is something that is the part of our human creativity. Look at how we have transformed the world! Purpose in life is not intrinsic, and it changes over time. I was a pediatrician until I retired. But for me, music is an outlet that keeps me to a schedule. I was able to go to a music festival for four years and perform, but that group ended. Still, it gave me a reason to study Italian, and I hope to go back some day. It's perfectly fine to not have a single purpose.

 

[imjustawarrior]

Sorry about your situation. I retire in a few months (46) and have narrowed down that I feel stressed when I am not "being productive." I hope to be able to just relax a bit more and spend more time exercising and preparing really good and healthy meals. And traveling in my van! Maybe I will work again, don't be ashamed to do that!

One can stay productive in retirement. It is really just up to the individual. I have goals and work toward them. One thing that is nice about retirement is there does not have to be a rush to get things done. One can take his time and enjoy all the activities. I now have time to stop and smell the roses.

 

[Koolau]

^^^^^^^^^

It's all so dependent on one's attitude. I never felt any great need to be constantly "doing" something. My dad almost went nuts when he had to retire. At first, he wouldn't stop coming into the family business. When DW told him to stay home, he went out and found other j*bs. He didn't really need the money - but couldn't imagine not w*rking.

We're all different.

 

[tmitchell]

OP here. Thanks everyone for all the feedback. I didn't expect to get so many responses otherwise I'd reply to each one!

What resonates are the comments about community and having some kind of goal, potentially intertwined. That definitely seems to be lacking in my current set up.

I'll head back to the drawing board and see if I can find a way to work those in. Thanks again & glad to see so many happy retirees here

 

[imjustawarrior]

I'll head back to the drawing board and see if I can find a way to work those in. Thanks again & glad to see so many happy retirees here

Let us know what you figure out. Others may benefit.

 

[TickTock]

What resonates are the comments about community and having some kind of goal, potentially intertwined. That definitely seems to be lacking in my current set up.

Don't remember where I first heard this, "When you stop moving (physically), you die. When you stop being engaged (mentally), you die. Not immediately, but that's where it starts." So true.

Retired just over 14 months. At first I did very little - caught up on a lot of sleep, recovered from the grueling w*rk pace. Then I got worried that I wasn't "doing enough". Now I'm finding a balance between doing things and taking time to "stop and smell the roses" as imjustawarrior eloquently said.

For example: One main goal at retirement was physical fitness. I now (it took a while) regularly go to the YMCA twice a week; once for cardio/endurance and once for balance/stretching/range of motion. It took longer, with DWs gentle urging, to stop afterwards and sit at the table with other regular Y attendees, sipping coffee and trading stories/solving the world's problems. It's become an important part of my social community.

 

[Koolau]

OP here. Thanks everyone for all the feedback. I didn't expect to get so many responses otherwise I'd reply to each one!

What resonates are the comments about community and having some kind of goal, potentially intertwined. That definitely seems to be lacking in my current set up.

I'll head back to the drawing board and see if I can find a way to work those in. Thanks again & glad to see so many happy retirees here

Let us know what you figure out. Others may benefit.

Yeah, your issues are not unique, so many here might well benefit from what you learn and what you try as you adapt to your relatively recent ER. I'm glad if we were able to help.

 

[Patience]

Turn a hobby into a freelance business
Mentor
Volunteer

 

[caninelover]

My wife died, I got a dog, a young one, and he keeps me very busy. Plus he likes it when I have a conversation with him and he never complains. (LOL)

I have a lot of friends my age that I see regularly for breakfast and short trips we do as a group.

It kind of sucks being "single" at an older age, but I am getting used to it.

We got an 8 week old golden retriever home after I ER'd. She is now 2.5, and I trained her to be a therapy dog. We volunteer together at our local hospital, the airport, local colleges, and other events.

I also am a volunteer Baker for an organization that bakes birthday cakes for at risk youth.

Both are fun, rewarding, and flexible commitments that I love doing. I am not bored at all and am as busy as I choose to be, which is how I like it.

 

[marko]

^^^^^^^^^

It's all so dependent on one's attitude. I never felt any great need to be constantly "doing" something. My dad almost went nuts when he had to retire. At first, he wouldn't stop coming into the family business. When DW told him to stay home, he went out and found other j*bs. He didn't really need the money - but couldn't imagine not w*rking.

Some people just lack imagination.

As much as I loved my job, there were a thousand other things that I wanted to do. Just having the TIME to get my car washed at 10am on a Wednesday morning suddenly became a minor luxury. Nice day, take the boat out. Go skiing in Utah. No timetables.

Took a while, but I slowly came to realize how much of LIFE I had crammed into just one little box of "my life" and that there was a much better way of life.

When I first retired, everyone was so worried for me. Only my uncle saw through it and said "You'll be fine, because there are so many things that interest you".

 

[Allytx]

I’m an introvert, but my friend is an extrovert. Because of her, I’ve started going to various groups that have a lunch and speakers on different topics. Our Musen also has talks, etc. I’ve made other friends through these groups. My husband only really enjoys doing things with our children and grandchildren, so I’ve sort of struck out on my own. I also have lunches or coffees with former work friends who have also retired.

Also, we have several cats and occasionally foster one or two. That is very satisfying to me.

 

[Route246]

Looking for some wisdom here. I’m just over three years into RE. Well I’m about to turn 58 so not very early . Before I continue I realize what I’m about to say puts me in a very privileged category, and I am indeed very grateful for what FI has given me.

That said, I feel like I’ve followed all the advice. I study a foreign language, have taken up drawing, exercise daily, belong to a yoga community, am ticking off bucket list travel itineraries. I tried volunteering which wasn’t for me, but started a mentoring business helping creatives looking to build out their talents. It’s sort of come & go but satisfying when I have clients. I read, hike, have gone camping, and experimented with other random things like a tarot class just to see.

We don’t have children so grandkids don’t fill up my time, and my younger partner still works, as do all but one friend who is broke and dealing with health issues—we usually just get coffee or sit and talk. My social life has tanked as a result and living in in a major city where people live to work doesn’t help. Due to my partners job we can’t really leave, unless it’s another major market which doesn’t seem like a great solution. If I were single or with a FI partner I might try out Europe or a mid size city that has easier social patterns. I do actually have lots of friends scattered around the world and have been taking trips to visit them, but that gets expensive real fast.

I love not having a high pressure career, but I just find that trying to fill my time is very hard even with all the activities. I don’t really want to work at Starbucks or something. Productive hobbies are fun, but it’s not like having mission driven work activities.

Anyway just wondering if anyone can relate and has found any solutions? I’ve wondered if I should just go back to work but that feels a bit like a cop out.

Thank you

Unfortunately, you are in a situation that many of my retired friends are in. During their adult life they never bothered to find something they can be passionate about and be consumed by it if they had time. Golf was mentioned by someone here. For me it will be (I'm retiring in 3 months) ham radio, remodeling a house, writing vanity code (I already have a project lined up). As a backup it will be fishing but I'm not sure I'll have the time commitment as it takes time to drive to fishing spots but it is something I did when I was younger and I was passionate about it at the time but marriage and family put an end to that activity.

As for brain stimulation I plan to learn how to write iOS apps (I'm a S/W engineer by training but have never tried writing Swift code in Xcode development environment) and get at least one published in the App Store. I plan to start from scratch and have not spent any effort trying to learn now to get a head start. I also have some S/W projects I plan to work on for fun and profit, but not related to my former job.

I spend a lot of time on YouTube which is already like a disease (I have it running on another screen as I type this). Some of my retired friends are spending insane numbers of hours watching Netflix and I realize how alluring it can be and will purposely never even give Netflix a sniff. They literally define the term, couch potato.

From the perspective of being self-aware, I am very aware of my weaknesses and tendencies, especially to become addicted to video media and will do everything I can think of to avoid that fate. I see friends gaining weight, looking older than their years and just degenerating from their former selves prior to retirement. It may be OK for them but I don't want that to happen to me if I can help it.

I'm not judgmental in the sense of expressing any of my opinions to them but when they complain about being bored or tired all the time I can only recommend to them to find something they can be passionate about without forcing the issue. Some of them try to force themselves into doing something they don't enjoy and once they go through that cycle a few times they revert back to being a couch potato. Like I said, might be fine for them but not how I plan to be if I can help it.