Take care of your kids!

[KarenF]

BIL passed a couple weeks ago (66yo). 40ish yrs ago we worked together.
More like a good brother.
He fought a disease for 6 yrs.
His DD and her wife, both RN and total fruit cakes were making his health decisions!
Horrible idea as BIL and his DD were completely different on health, moral, spiritual, ethical. Damn near everything besides father, daughter.
She had him killed off multiple times throughout his illness.
Really pi$$ed me off watching how she handled his care.
DW and I had several talks about our future care due to this experience.
Even though our kids are completely different than his DD.
Under NO circumstances, do our kids make any decisions about DW and I future care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow that sounds rough. Please make a Healthcare POA and designate someone you trust.

 

[marion10]

Facing this now- my mother was just recently diagnosed with congestive heart failure after some misdiagnosis- I was visiting her and she went into full respiratory arrest- she called for me and I came and with pressurized oxygen they got her breathing and with LASIK’s fluid off of her. 100 years ago, she would have simply died. Now she cannot get out of bed-that might change with PT, but I doubt it. There is no way we could look after her at home.

 

[Hyper]

Then who will if you and your DW are unable to make thoe decisions?

?
Hopefully one of us will be able to make the decision for the other??
Not sure when there's only one of us left.
Still hoping a DGK takes interest in being around us and helping us should the need arrive.

 

[jayanu]

Okay, really a rant here. Specifically about parents taking care of their kids forever.
Scenario: FIL age 92 in impressive health. This is a guy whose diet mostly consist of beef, pork, chicken along with canned fruit and veggies and doughnuts. He’d fire up the 3/4 ton pickup to drive two blocks to get a jug of milk. Walking, exercise are for the lowest tier of society to him. For last 30 years his days are consumed by Fox News and any sports on TV. But, he quit smoking sixty years ago. Note: I like a lot of Fox content. Just not all.
MIL age 87 and in rotten health mostly due to uncontrolled diabetes, she used to weigh 300 pounds….no, she is not seven feet tall. Her life is a constellation of health issues. In fact she was discharged from the hospital last night. It seems unmanaged depression kept her from taking care of herself over the years.
Here is the deal, they made no life plans. Their plan has always been that their kids would take care of them.
Now they need assisted living but FIL refuses to go. He expects his kids to take care of them and keep them at home. Problem is kids are all 60-70 years old and 30-40 minutes away. But if you need to be there 2-3 times a day a one hour round trip turns into 2, 3, 4 hours a day.
He believes his kids owe him this. He feels entitled. Now kids are battling it out on fulfilling their needs. They need help but expect the kids to provide it. Do it and pay for it.
BOTTOM LINE HERE: make plans for your life! I’m speaking to the choir on this forum but I don’t subscribed to the “lazy, entitled, selfish” forum. Take care of your needs so that your kids don’t have to. Even if finances are short, have a will. Write down directions. Try to be helpful.
Dont make your kids do it for you.
The most brutal part of this rant is the number of our contemporaries in the exact same boat.
Our scenario will come to an inevitable conclusion soon. But it does not need to be this way.
Wife has an appointment with an elder care attorney tomorrow to figure out her responsibilities and liabilities.
Take care of your kids! Dont make them take care of you.
Rant done…for now

We moved in a CCRC (Willow Valley Communities in Lancaster, PA -- # 2 on the Newsweek list). My kids said that that was the BEST gift they ever got, even compared to their Ivy League college fees for 6 years! We want to have an independent life full of joy and fun and be comfortable to know that if needed, we will be taken care of in the best possible manner. However, in some Asian cultures, it is expected that the kids will take care of parents. A friend did take care of them—they did not even speak English. But he did move to CCRC, and the kids thanked him for the best gift. It is not good to put children in such a situation nowadays.

Another point: if you do remain in the home, PLEASE get rid of most of the stuff; simplify your life. It is a bad thing to leave the cleanup for the kids. Your sentimental items don't mean anything to them. They don't care for your beautiful China. My kids did not want any of the Gold Jewlery. We sold it off!

 

[misanman]

I have a sad twist to this topic. We have friends (she is 78, he is 81) who retired to a senior community in Tennessee. Just before Christmas, she was diagnosed with stomach cancer and is being treated with chemo. They have a 58 year old son (not married) living in Michigan who had a massive stroke about three weeks ago. It was touch and go for a while but it looks like he will survive but with some serious physical deficits. His parents are shuttling between Tennessee (for chemo) and Michigan (to advocate for their son). So they are dealing with a really terrible situation. Right now they are trying to have him placed in an appropriate facility but I'm afraid he will be there for the rest of his life, which could be many years. You just never know what life with throw at you.

 

[Koolau]

We moved in a CCRC (Willow Valley Communities in Lancaster, PA -- # 2 on the Newsweek list). My kids said that that was the BEST gift they ever got, even compared to their Ivy League college fees for 6 years! We want to have an independent life full of joy and fun and be comfortable to know that if needed, we will be taken care of in the best possible manner. However, in some Asian cultures, it is expected that the kids will take care of parents. A friend did take care of them—they did not even speak English. But he did move to CCRC, and the kids thanked him for the best gift. It is not good to put children in such a situation nowadays.

Another point: if you do remain in the home, PLEASE get rid of most of the stuff; simplify your life. It is a bad thing to leave the cleanup for the kids. Your sentimental items don't mean anything to them. They don't care for your beautiful China. My kids did not want any of the Gold Jewlery. We sold it off!

Yeah, we spent a couple of months cleaning out both our parents' homes. Lots of crying as we threw away old memories. Spare your kids.

 

[Time2]

I have a thread going about a friend/acquaintance, 20 year ago fellow club member. He has no kids to take care of him, a brother in law and two nephews 900 miles away, an estranged brother, 3000 miles away with no contact. At 86 he showing signs of dementia. His mother, and sister died with Alzheimer disease. He has lost the password to his Brokerage account, through probably too many attempts and phone discussions, they now say, they need a power of attorney before they will do anything with his account. So far he won't move to a care facility even though there is one 3 blocks from home. He could still walk to do his shopping, etc. They took his drivers license. he is resistant to having someone come in a few hrs a day to help.
I have the Power of Attorney paperwork from his brokerage, but I am very leery of having power of attorney. He has already accused another friend and I of stealing a cable to his phone, he has not had landline phone service for years and accused me of stealing his cellphone that his nephew bought him. He has done this while talking on the very phone he said I stole. This has been on his mind for 6 months. It is all rather sad. I will start a separate thread about the POA, for possible ideas.

 

[Scrapr]

I have an acquaintance, mid-50's. For the past 7 or so years, she's become a full time care giver to her Mom, now early 90's. After her father (Mom's DH) died, they had means, but no plans, and Mom was doing fine, until she wasn't. She'd always expressed she didn't want to go to a home...but soon she needed help.

Friend and her husband left their condo and moved in with Mom full time (her house bigger, etc.). Friend gave up her business, converted what she could (Mom sleeps in a hospital style bed) and hires in caregivers with frequency to help out.

But friend is there for every night cry, every bad dream, every time Mom needs help in and out of bed...or the toilet. Bathing, etc. Vacations are now a weekend, at most, and even those are often cancelled because the hired-nurse couldn't make it, or some other semi-emergency popped up with Mom.

That's not a life I hope anyone here would plan to put on their kids.

I was almost dragged into this situ....I'm the last of the line for MIL. She is sweet 2nd Mom for me. But she was needing help. We'd go over to visit a few times a week, take her shopping, etc. That turned into daily trips over, then overnights. We found a caregiver that came over for 4 days a week. But I still had to do overnights. Then the caregiver did 24 hour shifts & I did the rest. Over 100 hours a week & when I was off I was worried about her.

We finally found a care home that is wonderful. She & I had a big blowup about moving her. Finally I went for a walk (called lawyer) & the caregiver convinced her to go. IDK how the caregiver did it. Now MIL loves the place. It's only 5 residents. She calls it a class 1 place (5 star) We visit about 5 days a week for a couple hours. We are relieved that she is taken care of & safe & happy. Her other SIL called her & now she wants him to move in. LOL

 

[braumeister]

I was almost dragged into this situ....I'm the last of the line for MIL. She is sweet 2nd Mom for me. But she was needing help. We'd go over to visit a few times a week, take her shopping, etc. That turned into daily trips over, then overnights. We found a caregiver that came over for 4 days a week. But I still had to do overnights. Then the caregiver did 24 hour shifts & I did the rest. Over 100 hours a week & when I was off I was worried about her.

We finally found a care home that is wonderful. She & I had a big blowup about moving her. Finally I went for a walk (called lawyer) & the caregiver convinced her to go. IDK how the caregiver did it. Now MIL loves the place. It's only 5 residents. She calls it a class 1 place (5 star) We visit about 5 days a week for a couple hours. We are relieved that she is taken care of & safe & happy. Her other SIL called her & now she wants him to move in. LOL

Congratulations on getting it solved. I've seen this happen many times, including with my own mother. They will fight tooth and nail to stay out of "an institution" but once they get there they quickly make new friends and love it.
So glad you were able to make it happen!

 

[Badger]

I have no children but I am close to my wife's 2 grown children (late 50s and early 60s). One lives an hour away and the other is 800 miles away. They both have children and grandchildren living close to them that they enjoy. I have no doubt that she will be taken care of by them if I pass first. She has said they would take care of me too but that might not be an option if they are not living nearby and I require a bit of care. I see 2 alternatives for me. Either I die first or make plans for assisted living/nursing care. Even with the second option I will more than likely be alone in the end. But there are many people with children that will have the same experience. There is no guarantee.

 

[Dtail]

I know my mom will be taken care of by my sister if needed. I take care of all the investments and finances.
Works for me.

 

[Sanstar]

Death doesn’t scare me as much as having a body that functions but a mind that doesn’t and vice versa. And not have the mental or physical ability to bid this life farewell on my own terms.

In the meantime, I’ll do what my trusted DO recommends to stay healthy and be grateful I have three adult children who get along. All have told DH and I not to worry as they will always have room for us in their homes. Can’t imagine taking any of them up on it.

We have all documents in order and a chore list for who does what when, in the event we both become disabled or die, (car accident , tornado..). All three kids have copies of everything. DD will manage finances and has POA.

I used to tell grand babies when we were on our stroller walks, “ I’ll push your stroller now, and you’ll be pushing my wheelchair later.” Now that they are older (7 years), they occasionally reassure me they are ready to push a wheelchair if I need it.

Both sets of our parents passed years ago with limited assistance from us. We both had siblings that carried the load. Interesting occurrence with my mom. When she retired she called to ask which/ how, of her surviving three kids, she should designate as her beneficiary/beneficiaries for a whole life policy. I asked how she would like those funds used. Ie: grandkids education, split between kids, favorite charity, something else? Her only desire was to cover the cost of end of life/ funeral expenses. Fast forward 12 years, I completely forgot about this conversation and have no idea what she decided, when she passes.

Sister had cared for Mom in her home and even went to work at the local, small town nursing home where Mom lived her last couple years. When Mom passed, sister was settling Mom’s affairs and discovered the insurance policy. She called me to report $$ I would soon be getting and was clearly annoyed, although she tried hard to hide it, that I was the sole beneficiary. When I got the $$, I reimbursed brother for his contribution to Mom’s funeral (very small amount) and gave the rest to sister. Seemed like the fair thing to do that met Mom’s wishes. Sister was shocked but grateful and as the years pass our relationship remains very close and mutually supportive as we navigate our elder years.

Agree with earlier posters that nature and Social Security, was never designed for us to have so many birthdays. These are interesting times….

 

[Koolau]

Death doesn’t scare me as much as having a body that functions but a mind that doesn’t and vice versa. And not have the mental or physical ability to bid this life farewell on my own terms.

In the meantime, I’ll do what my trusted DO recommends to stay healthy and be grateful I have three adult children who get along. All have told DH and I not to worry as they will always have room for us in their homes. Can’t imagine taking any of them up on it.

We have all documents in order and a chore list for who does what when, in the event we both become disabled or die, (car accident , tornado..). All three kids have copies of everything. DD will manage finances and has POA.

I used to tell grand babies when we were on our stroller walks, “ I’ll push your stroller now, and you’ll be pushing my wheelchair later.” Now that they are older (7 years), they occasionally reassure me they are ready to push a wheelchair if I need it.

Both sets of our parents passed years ago with limited assistance from us. We both had siblings that carried the load. Interesting occurrence with my mom. When she retired she called to ask which/ how, of her surviving three kids, she should designate as her beneficiary/beneficiaries for a whole life policy. I asked how she would like those funds used. Ie: grandkids education, split between kids, favorite charity, something else? Her only desire was to cover the cost of end of life/ funeral expenses. Fast forward 12 years, I completely forgot about this conversation and have no idea what she decided, when she passes.

Sister had cared for Mom in her home and even went to work at the local, small town nursing home where Mom lived her last couple years. When Mom passed, sister was settling Mom’s affairs and discovered the insurance policy. She called me to report $$ I would soon be getting and was clearly annoyed, although she tried hard to hide it, that I was the sole beneficiary. When I got the $$, I reimbursed brother for his contribution to Mom’s funeral (very small amount) and gave the rest to sister. Seemed like the fair thing to do that met Mom’s wishes. Sister was shocked but grateful and as the years pass our relationship remains very close and mutually supportive as we navigate our elder years.

Agree with earlier posters that nature and Social Security, was never designed for us to have so many birthdays. These are interesting times….

Years ago, DW asked our youngest if she would change our Depends for us when we get old. She said she was going to buy us a small trailer and put it out in the desert. I hope she was kidding (I know WE were - about our Depends).

 

[athena53]

I was almost dragged into this situ....I'm the last of the line for MIL. She is sweet 2nd Mom for me. But she was needing help. We'd go over to visit a few times a week, take her shopping, etc. That turned into daily trips over, then overnights. We found a caregiver that came over for 4 days a week. But I still had to do overnights. Then the caregiver did 24 hour shifts & I did the rest. Over 100 hours a week & when I was off I was worried about her.

I see lots of discussions about this on other sites, with some people insisting that you have to take care of your elderly parents personally, no matter what. The most eloquent comment I read was from someone in the field (a social worker or nurse) who talked about the damage that occurs when elderly who are failing mentally, physically or both don't get the 24/7 monitoring they need. Falls, of course, but also bedsores and other health issues that well-meaning family members don't know to expect. People with dementia will eat spoiled food and even non-food such as cosmetics. It was a very scary picture.

I'm glad your MIL adjusted well to her new home. My Dad did OK after awhile- he'd ask when he could go home and we'd tell him "as soon as you get better"- which, of course, he never did. I'm grateful for the good care he got there,