Thoughts on moving to 55plus community

[Exchme]

DD2 was upset because the deal is grossly unfair to her.

DD1 gets the enjoyment of a fantastic living arrangement for her children and for rest of her life (I doubt you are going to make her move when you pass). Plus it sounds like you will be maintaining the place, the horses and even paying staff!

If you try to equalize it in your bequests, then DD2 gets bigger pile of money when she's old - that's not in the same ballpark as what DD1 got in her life.

If you try to equalize it with "rent", surely $6k/mo is a tiny fraction of the true value, especially with you covering some upkeep expenses. For easy math, let's say your property is worth $10M. The value of use you are giving DD1 can be thought of as covering the borrowing costs of that. At today's 7% interest rates, that's $700K/year (plus property taxes and other expenses you will be footing). Unless you are prepared to make extra gifts of similar size to DD2, DD2 is going to feel it's unfair. By the time you get to a "fair" number, DD1 might rather have the cash too!

Once you pass, I doubt you are going to make DD1 move out, so you have future issues. It's impossible to plan for everything that might happen and it's such a big asset that how it's disposed of is going to matter to the perceived fairness of the will.

You've mixed issues that don't have to be mixed. One is your desire to downsize and be closer to grandkids, the other is what to do with your large property. The simplest thing is to move close to the grandkids, sell the large property and make gifts to the kids as you desire.

 

[Badger]

Both of your children and grandchildren are equal distant from you now. That is a big plus for staying in such a nice location that is close to both of them.
I have always liked 2 story homes but there can be challenges to climb stairs as you get older. I think the idea of a Mother-in-Law or Granny pad is a reasonable option. OR Keep things the way they are and install an elevator. The elevator cost can be $30k on the low side and more expensive based on your preference. This should be less than the cost of moving and leaving a place you love.

 

[folivier]

We had a house in a 55+ for a few years. We were some of the youngest at the time and traveled a lot. Kinda got tired of making older friends only to see them age more rapidly than us. Either pass away or have to move because of mobility, etc. Now we have our mountain cabin, which we know and accept that we have limited time up here, and our condo which will be our forever place.
Just my thoughts.

 

[pb4uski]

Seems like a new 55+ community, made up of many early 60-something’s could be very nice for a decade or so. But I suspect it would become pretty grim 20-30 years later, ever driven around an old Del Webb community - looked very depressing to me. So as long as 55+ isn’t a forever home, might be a good option. DW and I looked at 55+ communities because we liked their ranch floorplans, but we deliberately chose a mixed gen neighborhood. I hang out with seniors plenty, I don’t want to compare health issues, revisit the good old days, argue brain dead partisan politics, or one up grandchildren stories 24/7 - that’s what I’d imagine socializing in 55+ communities becomes. YMMV

Mom and Dad lived in a Del Webb community in Florida that started in the 1960s, but they didn't move there until ~1990s. My aunt and uncle lives there as well. The reality is that it is a continual influx and outflow of people and many do ultimately die or move away to be nearer to family. When my parents first moved there they developed a large set of friends around their age that would frequently socialize together. Fast forward 30 years and most of those friends died or moved on, as mom ultimately did.

Meanwhile, we recently bought in a Del Webb community in Texas that was started in the 1990s. Despite being over 30 years old, it is still a very active and vibrant community and not anything like "compare health issues, revisit the good old days, argue brain dead partisan politics, or one up grandchildren stories 24/7".

Interestingly, the median age in both communities is around 71.

 

[FindingForward]

Mom and Dad lived in a Del Webb community in Florida that started in the 1960s, but they didn't move there until ~1990s. My aunt and uncle lives there as well. The reality is that it is a continual influx and outflow of people and many do ultimately die or move away to be nearer to family. When my parents first moved there they developed a large set of friends around their age that would frequently socialize together. Fast forward 30 years and most of those friends died or moved on, as mom ultimately did.

Meanwhile, we recently bought in a Del Webb community in Texas that was started in the 1990s. Despite being over 30 years old, it is still a very active and vibrant community and not anything like "compare health issues, revisit the good old days, argue brain dead partisan politics, or one up grandchildren stories 24/7".

Interestingly, the median age in both communities is around 71.

Interesting post - thanks. Given median ages are the same in both areas, what do you attribute the difference in vibrancy/energy to? Is it geographical - i.e, Florida generally attracts a different type of person vs TX? Something else?

I'm definitely hoping to avoid the former, if possible.

 

[Texas Proud]

I did not look so do not know if this was in the posts. Is there a big difference in the earning of either family (DD1 vs DD2)?

One of my sisters has 40 acres of land in Oregon that has grown in value. Her DD was living there for awhile while she also was. Sister also has a DS that is a Dr and makes big money. He said he does not want to live on the property (it is a LONG way from anything) and has no problem with sister or her ex leaving it to DD.

If both earn about the same I can see where it can rub DD2 the wrong way as she is not 'loved' as much as DD1... and do not think that this can be going through her head as we have heard something from our DD concerning our DS...

 

[pb4uski]

Interesting post - thanks. Given median ages are the same in both areas, what do you attribute the difference in vibrancy/energy to? Is it geographical - i.e, Florida generally attracts a different type of person vs TX? Something else?

I'm definitely hoping to avoid the former, if possible.

That is a bit of a mystery, but Mom lived in an older part and my aunt lives in a newer part and I "sense" a little difference in that regard.

In Texas, even though the community is from the mid-1990s our neighborhood wasn't started until 2007, so that may be a factor as well. The people that I know are more from our neighborhood, but now that I think about it our 3-month rental was in a newer neighborhood and the neighbors there seemed younger.

I retired younger than many of our friends so perhaps I'm just more used to socializing with people older than me (only 5-10 years older).

 

[JoeWras]

When my dad moved into Independent living, he said: "No worries, it will be like being back in the Army."

He wasn't completely wrong.

 

[razztazz]

When my dad moved into Independent living, he said: "No worries, it will be like being back in the Army."

He wasn't completely wrong.

I visited one last Summer just to have some idea of what it would be like if I need to move into one someday. I wouldn't say it was like the Army but it was a little too "communal" for me. Something more akin to The Love Boat. And I saw (unconfirmed but I'm suspicious) potential for it to be like high school. The "ins" the "outs." Don't want to join this club or that committee? You'll be talked about. Mandatory fun. And in my case, I do not want to know jack diddly about other people kids, grand kids, and great grand kids

 

[UpQuark]

I fear I may regret moving from this home to a smaller lot. I spent the day spreading Rid Moss on over an acre of nice lawns, and raking out weeds in my vegie garden, which would not be an option in the restrictive 55+ home. The front grounds are maintained by the association. I gave carrots to the horse 3 times, and maintained my diesel Kubota tractor today. ...
Anyone else made this type of decision? Is the social aspect of the 55+ living worth the loss of space, privacy and freedom to do what you want on your own property? $300/month HOA seems crazy to me, but the mandatory buy in of 0.5% of sale price seems high as well. Is this typical?

Definitely sounds like it would be a very bad choice for you. For me it was the opposite, I was so tired of animal and property chores, I sold the tractor, sold the last horse (a young one), celebrated when the last old chicken finally passed away, was sad but also relieved when the last of the dogs and house cats passed away, etc. I was beyond ready to move to a 55+ community (to a highrise), and I'm extremely happy in it. But unlike you my few family members are spread far and wide, so for me this is a terrific solution to avoid growing old all alone. I don't know what is typical for 55+ communities but my HOA is more than twice the one you were looking at, and the buy-in was 3%.

 

[FindingForward]

And I saw (unconfirmed but I'm suspicious) potential for it to be like high school. The "ins" the "outs." Don't want to join this club or that committee? You'll be talked about.

oh lordee...I cannot go through that again.

 

[Chuckanut]

My parents retired to a 55+ community and enjoyed it immensely. Obviously, you have to give up some control over your property. (They decide to repaint your house Seafoam Green and you want it to be Sky Blue.) If that’s going to be a big issue then don’t move into any condominium type of housing. My parents did not miss yard work, etc. They both did plenty of that type of work already.

I am looking for a 55+ group nearer to my kids, but so far I haven’t found one that is affordable. I can’t possibly live in their area 12 months a year due to extreme weather for about half that time. My area has much milder weather during those months. Two houses get expensive fast. Maybe I need to marry a gal in that area and we can play switcheroo between her place and mine.

 

[Out of Steam]

I've noted elsewhere here that I don't plan to stay in our single family house beyond my ability to do most of the maintenance on a 50 year old property myself, though I am willing to turn over routine yard maintenance. My wife is agreeable to such a move.

What I'm seeing about the many suburban 55+ communities near us is that the gap between when we would want to make a move for house repair reasons, and the point where a suburban 55+ community wouldn't work for transportation reasons, is pretty narrow--perhaps only five years.

The core issue probably is that, as someone who grew up in New York City, I don't have a picture of how one gets old in a car-dependent community with no child nearby. My wife and I are thinking that a move to a city apartment in our mid-70s may be the most logical way for us. That's old enough to minimize the time where the price of rent could get away from us.

 

[Badger]

We have a paid for home in a very desirable beach town on a very desirable street within minutes to hospitals, military base (wife is retired CG), grocery stores, restaurants, tennis courses (her one and only interest), hardware stores, etc. On occasion she has said that if I die first she will sell the house and live in a condominium or 55+ community.
Oh Lord I hope not.
She will have more money than she can ever spend to continue paying for lawn service, cleaning services or any repairs she might need although there isn't much needed. The roof is standing seam metal, new water heater, new heat pump, concrete block house. Other than minor maintenance there isn't much to take care of for the next 10 years. I have a list of carpenters, electricians, plumbers, pressure washers, etc. we have used in the past that are reliable. She is 77 yrs old so she will probably need assistant living before taking on selling the house, getting rid of the contents except for personal items, finding an appropriate condo, and taking on the task of arranging a move by herself when she is in her 80's.
Her daughter is 45 min away and her son, who is skilled in taking care of any repairs and upkeep, is nearing retirement and would most likely consider moving to Florida to live in the house with her.
Sometimes it makes more sense to stay where you are until you need Assisted Living to be safe.
I think I have it covered to take care of her when I am gone but it has taken a lot of thinking and planning.

 

[Koolau]

Not sure how to advise, but I'll throw in one extra wrinkle. Have you thought ahead to a time when one or perhaps both of you are no longer able to care for such a large place? We're all just one stroke or fall or dementia from being unable to do what we used to do. Much as you will miss the place, you will leave it some day. How will that w*rk out for the remaining spouse?

As far as DD2's situation (hope I got that right) you gotta do what's right for you. If she can't deal with it, it's on her. If being "equal" is important to you, you can come up with something that satisfies YOU on that account. Otherwise, live your life, love your kids and grands but look out for you and DW first. YMMV

 

[UpQuark]

On occasion she has said that if I die first she will sell the house and live in a condominium or 55+ community.
Oh Lord I hope not.
She will have more money than she can ever spend to continue paying for lawn service

It might not just be about getting maintenance done, if she moved to the right place she'd have a chance to make friends and have similar others to do things with. There are tons of fun things to do in my community, and it is really good for widows and widowers because they don't lose out just because they don't have a partner. Yesterday a widow I know was all dressed up and joining a bus load of others to go to a Performing Arts Center show. Another widow here was out on the dance floor at the clubhouse last New Year's Eve dancing the twist with other old ladies.

 

[anothercog]

My parents just bought a house (yesterday) in a 55+ community and I am thrilled as I thought their old Victorian would be the death of them. Seems very different than the active communities like Village, Del Webb, just a community of about a couple dozen similar homes with great layouts for aging in place and exterior maintenance taken care of.

 

[audreyh1]

It might not just be about getting maintenance done, if she moved to the right place she'd have a chance to make friends and have similar others to do things with. There are tons of fun things to do in my community, and it is really good for widows and widowers because they don't lose out just because they don't have a partner. Yesterday a widow I know was all dressed up and joining a bus load of others to go to a Performing Arts Center show. Another widow here was out on the dance floor at the clubhouse last New Year's Eve dancing the twist with other old ladies.

Isolation becomes a real problem for the very elderly.

 

[CaliKid]

Moving to a 55+ was the best decision we have made in a very long time. Can't imagine living elsewhere ever again!

 

[Badger]

It might not just be about getting maintenance done, if she moved to the right place she'd have a chance to make friends and have similar others to do things with. There are tons of fun things to do in my community, and it is really good for widows and widowers because they don't lose out just because they don't have a partner. Yesterday a widow I know was all dressed up and joining a bus load of others to go to a Performing Arts Center show. Another widow here was out on the dance floor at the clubhouse last New Year's Eve dancing the twist with other old ladies.

It is nice that you and others have found a place as you age but it may not be for everyone. Other people, situations, and interests may be different. I have no doubt that my wife will do whatever she wants and I will never know. However, she has many friends in the area that she plays tennis with at least 4-5 times a week in various leagues and has friends that she hikes with in the mountains. She is also not interested in starting any romantic relationships. Since we live in a very desirable neighborhood in a very desirable town at the beach with her friends close by or within a few miles drive there are no senior facilities that can match. We have done a thorough search when looking for an assisted living facility for my parents and her parents. The best were just adequate and there is no way she would leave the area and her friends. The best alternative for her would be for her son to live in the house or her daughter who she is close to and lives 30 miles away to care for her.

 

[Montecfo]

The core issue probably is that, as someone who grew up in New York City, I don't have a picture of how one gets old in a car-dependent community with no child nearby.

Well, when I am at the point where unable to drive I might feel a bit vulnerable riding the subway.

Would Uber, Lyft and ultimately self driving cars not be a solution?

 

[Badger]

Well, when I am at the point where unable to drive I might feel a bit vulnerable riding the subway.

Would Uber, Lyft and ultimately self driving cars not be a solution?

Not having lived in a city that has a subway I wouldn't feel comfortable either. I also don't trust riding with a driver that I don't know or don't know their driving skills. That leaves self driving cars. I hope they will be available and reliable when the day comes. Fortunately I live in an area where everything is easily accessible and the use of "golf carts" have become very popular. A self driving vehicle like those would be great transportation.

 

[njhowie]

I visited one last Summer just to have some idea of what it would be like if I need to move into one someday. I wouldn't say it was like the Army but it was a little too "communal" for me. Something more akin to The Love Boat. And I saw (unconfirmed but I'm suspicious) potential for it to be like high school. The "ins" the "outs." Don't want to join this club or that committee? You'll be talked about. Mandatory fun. And in my case, I do not want to know jack diddly about other people kids, grand kids, and great grand kids

Like most things, it depends. Different communities will have different offerings.

When we moved mom into independent living, it was because she had an incorrect vision of what assisted living was. She had said she wanted to go into assisted living, so we did that, and three months later she was practically begging to move somewhere else. Independent living was more appropriate for where she was mentally/physically at the time. Hers was like an apartment complex, and was part of a larger life plan community. Unfortunately, mom was like a hermit. The place had lots of activities, she did not participate, and just kept to herself. Her only bit of socializing was going to dinner each day with a group of ladies/friends. Me/DW felt really bad that mom was not taking advantage of most anything the place had to offer. We'd try to get her to pick out a couple of activities to go to each week, but she'd come up with one excuse or another why she wouldn't.

As far as you not wanting to know jack diddly about other people's kids, grand kids, and great grand kids - isn't that what friends talk about sometimes, their families?

 

[razztazz]

Like most things, it depends. Different communities will have different offerings.

When we moved mom into independent living, it was because she had an incorrect vision of what assisted living was. She had said she wanted to go into assisted living, so we did that, and three months later she was practically begging to move somewhere else. Independent living was more appropriate for where she was mentally/physically at the time. Hers was like an apartment complex, and was part of a larger life plan community. Unfortunately, mom was like a hermit. The place had lots of activities, she did not participate, and just kept to herself. Her only bit of socializing was going to dinner each day with a group of ladies/friends. Me/DW felt really bad that mom was not taking advantage of most anything the place had to offer. We'd try to get her to pick out a couple of activities to go to each week, but she'd come up with one excuse or another why she wouldn't.

As far as you not wanting to know jack diddly about other people's kids, grand kids, and great grand kids - isn't that what friends talk about sometimes, their families?

Some good points here. I have also considered that after a few weeks of probing, as soon as they find out I do not have kids, grand kids, or great grand kids I will be essentially ghosted. Most apartment type situations, in fact all of them, I have lived in, nobody knew anybody unless they had a pre-existing relationship. (relatives, worked at the same place etc) I suppose this situation could end up the same. Then I could just partake of whatever "activities" I think might be useful.

As far as you not wanting to know jack diddly about other people's kids, grand kids, and great grand kids - isn't that what friends talk about sometimes, their families?

Yes. I know.

 

[audreyh1]

Well, when I am at the point where unable to drive I might feel a bit vulnerable riding the subway.

Would Uber, Lyft and ultimately self driving cars not be a solution?

Definitely! In Europe the public transportation is great, but the rides can be quite rough many times and I think many elderly would have serious difficulty. You can get really slung around and have to grab on handles quickly etc. Trams, busses, etc. they don’t wait for everyone to sit before taking off. Stops are extremely brief, you have to make your way to the doors while the vehicle is still moving and then decelerates quickly. Lots of turns to throw you off balance.