Unexpected Post Retirement Housing Option

[Still Learning]

Daughter and Son-In Law (34/36,married 18 months, both work, no children at the moment) recently purchased a home that I am currently helping them enlarge the master bedroom suite, converting part of the house as a separate space for the mother in-law to live (advanced diabetes) plus general updates throughout the house. The kids have made a serious offer for us to come live with them after the mother in-law passes. They do not need help paying the mortgage and we have a good relationship. We also do not require financial assistance and planned to stay in our current house. We are 68/69, retired 7 years ago and have no other children.

Wife and I have discussed and developed a pros/cons list.

Pros:

1. It would have no impact on our current/future travel plans, some of which already includes the kids.
2. End of house related expenses/improvements/weekly chores opens up new time for other things.
3, We would want to find a happy arrangement where we can contribute around the house both financially and personally. Explore opportunities to make the new living situation easier for everyone. Less chores for them after a day of working and us just because that would be nice in retirement.
4. Both of us are still young and healthy. enjoy each others company but would want to ensure we all maintain space for our separate lives. They may or may not have children and that decision is theirs. We would enjoy either direction they take.
5. They live 1 hour away on 6 acres in an surrounded by wood preserves, small towns/villages and access to larger population centers with an hour or less. We get to preserve our friends and group of professional contacts. Medical facilities would remain. New environment would be quieter with access to additional recreation less than a mile away.
6. Should we move, would want to expand the current living space (bedroom/living/handicap bath) to include a small kitchen/expanded living space at our expense, since our stay would be longer term. It would ultimately be a full ground level apartment with wildlife all around.
7. I lived in a home where an older grandmother came to live out her final years.

Cons:

1. The absolute worst would be damaging our relationship so preserving that is paramount.
2. Be flexible if they decide to move in the future. Would we move or go a separate path? Need to maintain resources should this happen.

This could become a reality within 5 years. Anyone else living this situation with advice/opinions to offer?

 

[pacergal]

A bit of the opposite:
Our son and grandson have lived with us in the past and actually will be moving back in next month. They will be taking one of the bedrooms and a large family room, no separate apartment .
It worked well in the past, assuming it will again.

It is important to have discussions before and during about expectations, who pays what bills, chores, etc. and definitely keep conversation open to freely discuss problems/resolutions.
Flexibility is a must.

Our daughter and son in law have mentioned several times that we are welcome to come live with them as we age, if we desire.

My sister lives in a multigenerational home with her daughter, son in-law and grandson.

I, too, grew up with multigenerational living. My maternal grandparents lived with us for several years. It is not uncommon with my maternal family religious/cultural history (Amish/Mennonite).

 

[OldShooter]

I wouldn't risk it.

 

[savory]

Our circumstances in some ways reflect yours. It was not a financial or health neccesity to share a home with DD/SIL.

Our opportunity came about when we informed DD/SIL that we were investigating cooperative living arrangements to reduce our footprint. Like you, they recommended a cooperative living arrangement with them. It worked very well for all of us for about 12 years.

Other life changes occured and the arrangement ended. However, knowing what I know today, DW and I would make the same decision as the experience and the benefits of living in a multi-generational household has so many positives and is under utilized in our culture.

 

[JohnnyPHX]

I think it's a wonderful thing if everyone gets a long. Can benefit both parties if it works out. I have a sibling that moved in with our parents after a divorce. It worked out well. Brother keep an eye on parents and did things around the house as they aged. My brother living there brought a little variety and the outside world to them. He set up a small koi pond in their backyard and Dad loved to feed the fish and watch them.
We moved in with my parents to save for a house many years ago. It was a great experience and we look back at that time fondly.

On the other hand if it's with someone who you have a rollercoaster ride history with don't do it. The ride will probably only get more bumpy when living so close. We have tried to help out a family member a couple of times by having them stay with us for an extended period. It was not a pleasant experience for any party involved. No good deed goes unpunished type situation. As much as we wish we could make it work as we all age we know it wouldn't. I try to avoid getting on that rollercoaster as much as possible these days.

 

[Kings over Queens]

My inlaws did this with their son, but was a snowbird situation.

As an outsider looking in it seemed to work pretty well with the typical intrusions that occur together with the loss of privacy. Example, assume you they are having a BBQ, and you want a quiet afternoon. Or you want to attend the BBQ but it's their friends and they prefer time with them (without you).

All in all their situation worked well until my brother in law decided to sell the house, leaving them with no place to stay when they wanted to "come home." He also didn't compensate them when he sold the house, which my wife didn't appreciate very much.

All in all I think multi generational families are a great thing and if you can think through all of the challenges and respect boundaries, this could be wonderful for your family.

As an aside, I started a thread about a year ago asking for thoughts on acreage because we were considering building a family compound, with a small house for us, and a larger home for my daughter and her soon to be husband. There were some interesting comments in it that might help you.

 

[EastWest Gal]

Our DS has yet to move out permanently. He lives his own life, we live ours, we all contribute to chores and do some things together, such as play music. The boys have their man-caves in the basement. We get along great. We like it; DS likes it. He's saving for early retirement, and doesn't really want to own a home of his own right now. He's single and intends to remain that way. We don't have uncommunicated expectations of one another. I tend to be the most demanding, and do the most around the house. I often see something that needs to be done and I simply make requests. DH does the same.

If you get along well, and have multiple discussions regarding expectations, it could be a true win-win.

My mom grew up in a multigenerational home-a duplex in SF. Her grandparents and the younger aunts and uncles lived in one half; when her mom married they took the other half, and had 3 children. Her grandparents emigrated from Russia in 1908, had 11 children total, 10 of whom survived into adulthood. It was crowded! Mom remained very close to the cousins with whom she grew up. My dad grew up on a farm, which was multi-generational as well.

 

[tulak]

5. They live 1 hour away on 6 acres in an surrounded by wood preserves, small towns/villages and access to larger population centers with an hour or less. We get to preserve our friends and group of professional contacts. Medical facilities would remain. New environment would be quieter with access to additional recreation less than a mile away.

Cons:

1. The absolute worst would be damaging our relationship so preserving that is paramount.

I think it's wonderful if you can make it work.

For #5, if you are car dependent, what happens once you can't drive anymore? This reminds me of an article I read where the mother moved in with her daughter and family, but it was remote. She didn't have a car and had to rely on her daughter/family for transportation. That became a major issue.

Which leads to your #1 con, what happens if the situation doesn't work and you want to move out? Will your daughter/SIL be offended?

That's what happened in the article I read and it took some time for their relationship to recover.

 

[Dtail]

Currently have the fiance' 43 y.o. son living with us. Honestly, we would both rather have him move out. He is not charges rent and is preparing for a new career. He was raised by her first husband who was a load and the son has a bunch of the same traits, although is very respectful to us.
As to your situation, it sounds like a nice opportunity for you.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I can see issues that if you put money into fixing up the house to have a separate apartment for you and then if later they need to move for a job or a divorce, it could be a problem. I think you always run the risk of too much togetherness, which is not good for your son‘s new marriage. It could end up straining your relationship.

When we were young, the house next-door went up for sale, and my parents encouraged us to buy it which we did. That ended up being perfect because shortly after my dad had a big stroke and it was easy for me to help take care of him.

It was also easy for my mom to help me take care of my three kids when I went back to college. It was definitely a win-win situation and we each all had our own private space. Unless my parents were babysitting, they never came over and used their key unless they were specifically invited.

People would tease my husband and ask if it was horrible living next-door to his in-laws and he said no it was actually great because not only would they help with the kids, but my mother was a great cook and would invite us over for dinner a few times a week.

 

[MarieIG]

I would not put money into fixing up the house based upon an expectation of moving there in the future. As noted in #10, you don't know what is going to happen in the future.

I would just tell your DD & DSIL you'll discuss when the time comes.

In the meantime, visit frequently and think about it further. If you decide to proceed, contingencies would need to be discussed such as if one couple wants to move.

 

[MC Rider]

I would not want to do it. If you do it seems you need some serious discussion between the parties beforehand.

 

[folivier]

This is interesting to me since in a couple years we plan to sell our CO cabin. After that I plan to buy a nice fishing camp on the lake here in Louisiana. It'll be an hour or 2 from our condo and our son's home. I hope to continue traveling in summer and spend fall through spring at the fish camp. It will be a great place to teach the lil ones to fish and enjoy the outdoors while they're still young. We'll keep our condo near them. So we'll have times at the camp when they're with us and times when they can use it by themselves.
But I wouldn't want to live with them.

 

[Aerides]

Cons:

1. The absolute worst would be damaging our relationship so preserving that is paramount.
2. Be flexible if they decide to move in the future. Would we move or go a separate path? Need to maintain resources should this happen.

The one con you don't have listed, which to me would be most important: You damage the relationship between your DD/SIL. Unintentionally of course, but say a year or two in it's not working (for them). It will create an issue that they will have a hard time resolving. By that time they will have already taken care of SIL's DM, so they will feel obligated to keep you there.

They cannot fully appreciate today how difficult caring for the MIL through her illness is going to be, and how that alone is going to change their marriage. They have invited you before months/years of caring for an aging parent/in-law. They have a challenging road ahead that, once-travelled, may well make them regret inviting you so early but then feel they can't un-extend it. That's a marital stress that doesn't need to have happened.

At most, I'd say to them, let's table that until the time comes, and then see. And then put it completely out of your minds, and dismiss it when it comes up again.

And even after all that, if they still ask you again: If you wanted to build a small cottage on property, that's as close as I'd go, but never under the same roof.

 

[Still Learning]

Thank you for your comments, very much appreciated. We are okay financially, even for the concerns expressed which is why our number one priority is to keep relationship undamaged. It was good to see if we missed anything that needed to be considered.