What to do when the improbable happens?

[badatmath]

I see a lot of people above who are well-prepared, financially, if one goes before the other. That's a critical act of love to ensure that the one left behind has no financial concerns when that happens. I did the same, but it played out differently than I had prepared for and I will be forever grateful for her support in building up our finances as it allowed me to parent our kids full-time as she had.

Aja's challenge still stands, and I think it's relevant for every surviving spouse - once the finances are square, how does daily life go on?

I had the benefit of raising two pre-teen kids after my wife passed, so there wasn't a lot of time for sadness or personal pursuits. Those came after they got older, with the full reconciliation of the sadness of her demise only this year after running out of legitimate reasons and excuses for putting it off. Those were difficult months, and I think I'm through the worst of it now. At this point, I believe I'll be sad for the rest of my life that our kids grew up with a mother who loved them dearly and that the woman I dedicated my life to is no longer here to live out all things we talked about doing together. Until lately, it had been more an intellectual sadness, now it's the kind of thing that can stop whatever else I'm doing until I can turn my thoughts in a different direction.

The hardest for me in the first few years was having to make every decision solo after decades of having an understanding sounding board. The biggest decisions were the hardest, though even something as simple as "do we go to Disney World for 3 days or 4 days" caused short-term paralysis and anxiety. That had been a 10 minute discussion and decision before. There had been general discussion about if she should move with the kids if something happened to me, but there was no discussion about me leaving my job and moving 600 miles away after she was gone, even after her terminal diagnosis. Both turned out to be good decisions but there was a lot of anxiety along the way. Got through those with a few close friends and family members serving as the sounding board the wife once did.

At this point my kids are a few hours away, mostly launched and I'm living alone. Now what? Many of the things I once thought would be fun to do, or to do again at this point in my life have -0- appeal knowing I'll do them by myself. Days are filled as I wish, but there is no one to recap the day with, cook with or for, kick me out of bed if I'm snoring or too restless, nor to have coffee with in the morning.

I recently went through a phase of asking myself "what's the point now, what's next?" nearly every day. Not desperation, nor a cry for help, more the kind of thing one might expect from an INTJ operations guy . I did what I intended to do as far as raising the kids, now I have to figure out the next big thing I need to accomplish. Starting to think it may be as simple as getting to end with all the fun and joy I can find, but likely without the kind of companionship I treasure. Maybe more than that will develop, and I'm keeping my options open.

The advice section/TL,DR for those reluctant to consider the one being left alone:
-Maintain/build/rebuild family relationships. Siblings, close cousins, nieces, nephews. Parents, if you still have them.
-Keep your close friends close. Call them, go see them. You can pick up right where you left off years ago.
-Get to know your neighbors. Look out for them, the good ones will look out for you.
-Accept the possibility life won't work out as you expected and you'll need to make adjustments, maybe big ones.
-It's OK to be sad, do your best to avoid anger at changing circumstances.
-One can't control everything life serves up, but influence everything you can

Hey I know someone who married his third wife when he was 70 . . . it can happen. They seemed happy until he passed in his late eighties.

 

[frayne]

As Mike Tyson so eloquently said, "Everyone has a plan until they get hit in the mouth." I'm sure losing a spouse is much like that. My wife and I are in our 70s and often discuss the possibility of one of us checking out before the other. And when the inevitable does happen, I'm sure the finality will be devastating for the one left behind. The only small comfort is that finances won’t be an issue.

The advice above is priceless. Here's the TLR for those reluctant to consider being the one left alone:

• Maintain, build, or rebuild family relationships—siblings, close cousins, nieces, nephews, and parents, if you still have them.
• Keep your close friends close. Call them, visit them. You can often pick up right where you left off, even after years.
• Get to know your neighbors. Look out for them, and the good ones will look out for you.
• Accept that life may not work out as expected—you might need to make some big adjustments.
• It’s okay to be sad. Just do your best not to let anger take root in the face of changing circumstances.
• You can’t control everything life throws at you, but you can influence more than you think.

 

[MarieIG]

In my case, I should have waited for two years. But you don't know for sure since there are so many new decisions to make and you are grieving (even if you don't realize it).

Not the same - but when I lost DF, I would say my "mourning period" was about two years. That doesn't mean I didn't miss him, but the grief softened and I could allow myself to remember the happy times.

 

[SecondCor521]

I haven't had a spouse pass away. But we lost two pregnancies, my ex left me after 15 years, my Mom died 9 years ago, my Dad's on hospice, and I broke off a friendship with a woman recently.

I think the common denominator with my grief which I haven't seen mentioned here yet is that the world is ready to move on long before you are. And so it's easy to feel like "I should be over this already" (because everyone else is) when it really takes longer.

I try not to wallow, but I also try not to force myself to hurry up or meet anyone else's timetable or expectations.

 

[rk911]

Aja, I'm truly sorry you lost your wife. Sometimes that same thought causes me a sleepless night. Like you, I am my wife's caregiver. We've been married fior 55-years, 57-years counting high school. She is still able to do some daily life activities but she no longer drives, do meal prep or help clean the house. We just renovated one bathroom to make it easier abd safer for her to shower.

We've discussed what she should do in the event she ends up alone (we have no kids, she has no siblings). I have put together an 'Emergency Book' detailing where our money is, who should be notified, insurance, my last wishes, etc. My nephew is the successor trustee of our trust and will be responsible for overseeing her care. But we live about an hour from him so she will lilely have to move. Should she pass first I will, eventually, be able to care for myself. It's the other way around that worries me,

 

[aja8888]

Aja, I'm truly sorry you lost your wife. Sometimes that same thought causes me a sleepless night. Like you, I am my wife's caregiver. We've been married fior 55-years, 57-years counting high school. She is still able to do some daily life activities but she no longer drives, do meal prep or help clean the house. We just renovated one bathroom to make it easier abd safer for her to shower.

We've discussed what she should do in the event she ends up alone (we have no kids, she has no siblings). I have put together an 'Emergency Book' detailing where our money is, who should be notified, insurance, my last wishes, etc. My nephew is the successor trustee of our trust and will be responsible for overseeing her care. But we live about an hour from him so she will lilely have to move. Should she pass first I will, eventually, be able to care for myself. It's the other way around that worries me,

RK, sorry to hear your wife is having major health/physical issues. And being a caretaker is a job, that's for sure, but it's what we have to do. i'm sure if you "left" before her, she would be OK, but the other way around is not that easy to navigate. And it's not about the money at that point.

 

[Out of Steam]

Aja, I'm truly sorry you lost your wife. Sometimes that same thought causes me a sleepless night. Like you, I am my wife's caregiver. We've been married fior 55-years, 57-years counting high school. She is still able to do some daily life activities but she no longer drives, do meal prep or help clean the house. We just renovated one bathroom to make it easier abd safer for her to shower.

Caregiving is a difficult job, and I have great respect for those of you who do it.

I've been a caregiver for my wife post-surgery and found it challenging, but I believe that I did well. After an illness she had not long ago, a viral infection that lasted several weeks, I've become doubtful that I would have her confidence as a long-term caregiver.

While I haven't worked through the implications fully, it appears that I would need hired assistance fairly early along, and that our move at retirement from her familiar ground of 40 years might need to be reversed.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

OP. I am sorry for your loss.

I haven't lost a spouse, but I was the primary care giver for my parents over the past decade. Los them both now. No support from other family, I was alone. "Until the will was opened." They didn't show up for the nursing home or funeral, but were the first to call the attorney to see that they got mom's wedding ring and dad's watch....they did. I withdrew all claims....they took it.

I realize now how alone I am, even though I have DW and two children. People I know don't treat family like I remember growing up.

 

[CindyBlue]

Is there ever a feeling better? I wish I knew, but I'm certainly not there yet. Actually, what I tried to do is stay as busy as I could and just keep getting things done. But, in all reality, I feel like I am just "going through the motions" and my heart is not in any of whatever I am doing. I guess you could call it some kind of depression.

Right after DW passed, I felt I had to get out of the 55+ community we were in because I was surrounded by a lot of widows and widowers and really had no good friends. The community was old (30 years) and was aging out since many of the residents were original. I'm glad I left there, but still haven't found my "place" so to say. Routinely, thoughts cross my mind to move back East where I came from, but I have been gone way too long to start there again.

I agree...for me, and I'll bet for you, also, I think it's depression, and with good reason. There are some days I think it would be better to just not be in this world any more. But then I try to set a goal that I won't do anything about that until I reach that goal, and then I set another one...so far, I'm still here.

Staying busy helps. I had to deal with the spring property mowing (a little over 3 acres) by myself, and that was physically and organizationally and equipment challenging, but I did it, and I'm set for the rest of the year. Now there's really nothing to do, and I'm adrift again.

Looking forward to the fall when I can volunteer at a local high school for tutoring. I teach a subject for which there is always a need for tutoring, and being with the kids takes every ounce of my concentration so I stop thinking about other things. It is a blessing.

I've thought about moving...how did/are you make your decision about moving and where to go?

 

[aja8888]

I agree...for me, and I'll bet for you, also, I think it's depression, and with good reason. There are some days I think it would be better to just not be in this world any more. But then I try to set a goal that I won't do anything about that until I reach that goal, and then I set another one...so far, I'm still here.

Staying busy helps. I had to deal with the spring property mowing (a little over 3 acres) by myself, and that was physically and organizationally and equipment challenging, but I did it, and I'm set for the rest of the year. Now there's really nothing to do, and I'm adrift again.

Looking forward to the fall when I can volunteer at a local high school for tutoring. I teach a subject for which there is always a need for tutoring, and being with the kids takes every ounce of my concentration so I stop thinking about other things. It is a blessing.

I've thought about moving...how did/are you make your decision about moving and where to go?

First of all, I think (my opinion) that loneliness is a form of depression. Probably no drugs for it, but staying busy helps.

On moving...about 6 months after DW died, I took a couple of long driving trips, one to Connecticut where I was originally from, thinking it was a place to go back to. But it wasn't, as my only relative there is my sister and her sons and I have been away since 1981. I don't have a close relationship with them because of not being around for 40+ years. Secondly, many of my old friends are dead or moved to Florida, which was where most sane East Coasters go when they retire. So CT was out. I thought about Florida, then assessed the downsides and decided that was not it either.

I then went (by invitation) to my sister-in-law's house in Cary, NC. She is a widow a few years younger than me. Her husband and I were best friends for many years. And I am the godfather to her son. I stayed with her for about 10 days and we had the greatest of time! She actually openly said I could move there and share the huge house with her if I wanted to. But I was not ready for that. So I came back to Texas.

Since I was not feeling right in our home, I decided to sell it and get a smaller place not too far away (10 miles), and I did just that. That relieved some of the sad feelings, but not the loneliness part, which comes along for the ride. One thing is my daughter is 20 miles away and I wanted to be near her. But she has said to me that I can go wherever I want and she would be OK with it.

I also have a good circle of friends here and they are important to me as I am not an introvert and need to be around people I like.

In all reality, at least for my situation, I'm not done getting over losing her, and maybe someday I can close that book a bit more. Actually, I still don't know what to do to make things better for me. If I could change my skin, I would!

Moving wasn't the answer, but it has helped a bit and I got to downsize and get rid of a lot of stuff. I still have more to get rid of, too!

I hope this helps you understand a bit more about the process I am going through.

 

[athena53]

I see a lot of people above who are well-prepared, financially, if one goes before the other. That's a critical act of love to ensure that the one left behind has no financial concerns when that happens.

I agree. I know widows who had no idea that they couldn't continue to collect their late husband's SS plus their Spousal benefit after their husband died, and were left in desperate financial straits because of it. Laws had to be changed because people (mostly women) like my step-grandmother, who was widowed in the late 1970s, found after her husband died that he'd elected the higher monthly pension payment with no survivor benefit. When DH was in his last months I started collecting my employer pension and we had to have a notary come to the house to validate his signature on a required document acknowledging that he would not get a survivor benefit. I'm hoping that the generations of women born after the Baby Boomers will be more aware of the need to plan for the financial loss after a spouse dies.

 

[CindyBlue]

First of all, I think (my opinion) that loneliness is a form of depression. Probably no drugs for it, but staying busy helps.

On moving...about 6 months after DW died, I took a couple of long driving trips, one to Connecticut where I was originally from, thinking it was a place to go back to. But it wasn't, as my only relative there is my sister and her sons and I have been away since 1981. I don't have a close relationship with them because of not being around for 40+ years. Secondly, many of my old friends are dead or moved to Florida, which was where most sane East Coasters go when they retire. So CT was out. I thought about Florida, then assessed the downsides and decided that was not it either.

I then went (by invitation) to my sister-in-law's house in Cary, NC. She is a widow a few years younger than me. Her husband and I were best friends for many years. And I am the godfather to her son. I stayed with her for about 10 days and we had the greatest of time! She actually openly said I could move there and share the huge house with her if I wanted to. But I was not ready for that. So I came back to Texas.

Since I was not feeling right in our home, I decided to sell it and get a smaller place not too far away (10 miles), and I did just that. That relieved some of the sad feelings, but not the loneliness part, which comes along for the ride. One thing is my daughter is 20 miles away and I wanted to be near her. But she has said to me that I can go wherever I want and she would be OK with it.

I also have a good circle of friends here and they are important to me as I am not an introvert and need to be around people I like.

In all reality, at least for my situation, I'm not done getting over losing her, and maybe someday I can close that book a bit more. Actually, I still don't know what to do to make things better for me. If I could change my skin, I would!

Moving wasn't the answer, but it has helped a bit and I got to downsize and get rid of a lot of stuff. I still have more to get rid of, too!

I hope this helps you understand a bit more about the process I am going through.

You are making a real effort to find your way. I think that because of your willingness and openness to try different options in order to find the right place and space for yourself, you will feel more comfortable once you find it.

Thank you for your well written and thoughtful post, aja8888. You have given me a lot to think about, and I appreciate it.

 

[pb4uski]

The topic of this thread is something that I need to give some thoughts to. While my planning is more focused on making sure DW if financially provided for should I pass first, if she passes first I will be out of sorts for quite a while.

Luckily, we are both close to our kids, and the grandkids and DSIL is a wonderful guy, so the survivor will be focused on family much like we are now, but differently of course.

 

[Coaster4Now]

...
Since her passing, her kids are distant from me and that's a bit disappointing as we were OK for 28 years. And her one granddaughter hasn't called, or sent me a text since the memorial service and we pretty much raised her through her college years.....

It is so sad that family dynamics can change or actually 'poof' disappear on top of dealing with a spouse's loss.
I also have gone through that.
It compounds the loss just when you really could use the support and the feeling of belonging.
Sorry for everyone's loss here.
It is not easy. Although it's been years, I'm still stuck in the same place...as much as I try for, as they say, 'moving on'.
It's still always Groundhog day...
Best to you all.

 

[Coaster4Now]

aja888 -
You covered so many points that can resonate with so many...
Thank you.

 

[harley]

Our plan has always been based on me dying first. Short lived ancestors and sibling, poor health at this point, and lots of experience (see sig line). So I've done the basic death letter that I try to update whenever I'm feeling poorly, and we've talked about it some. She doesn't like the conversation, but knows that I'm doing it for her benefit.

Now, if she goes first for whatever reason, I've got a plan. After a significant period of grieving, I will support myself for the rest of my life selling all the crap that she's accumulated through her hobby of collecting anything that catches her imagination. That should keep me busy and flush with cash for many years. I can keep some things that have meaning for me or my kid/grandkids, but the rest is outta here!

 

[ncbill]

Keep wills, financial & health care POAs up-to-date.

A childless aunt & uncle didn't, and this happened:

Aunt was physically frail, in assisted living then skilled nursing so everybody assumed she'd go first.

Of course, uncle dropped dead instead.

All his assets went to his wife despite the fact that his siblings had been providing care for his wife for years.

Aunt had never setup health care POA so her estranged family from out-of-state (no contact in decades) all of a sudden wanted to take her "back home."

Uncle's family had to fight in court to keep her locally which involved a boatload of legal expenses.

When she died found out her will had not been updated in decades...e.g., still named her mother.

Also make sure you specify named beneficiaries in your will/trust.

Hers just said "nieces and nephews" so many on her family's side with whom she had never had contact came crawling out of the woodwork to make claims, which were expensive to investigate & verify.

Took ~5 years & burned through a lot of her estate dealing with the above.