When should (adult) kids launch?

[Blanche]

What is a realistic expectation when it comes to how much an adult child (in college, not in their first or beyond job) should contribute towards their care and keeping?

For example -- parent paying for rent / college tuition / first car etc while child pays for cell phone bills / car insurance / gas etc? I'm just curious to know how other parents are easing their kids into "adulting".

Also, how soon after a child graduates college or starting their first full-time "real job" is it reasonable for a child to fully assume all their bills (including their own rent etc., if they are not living with you)? If the kid isn't living with you or does not want to live with you, do you subsidize rent in the first year or so while they work on building their savings up, etc?

Please share.

 

[rodi]

I think every kid and household is different. I applied the same rule that my parents gave me during college. The barest basics covered (tuition, cheap rent (shared room), utilities, and a tiny amount for food and sundries. If they want to eat something other than ramen... Or go have a beer with friends, they need a job. One son got a part time job, the other chose to live in ramen because he has a heavy course load. He does pick up a small amount from tutoring friends.

One son graduated in June. He applied to a lot of jobs but decided to make a pivot. (Finance to fireman). While he's getting his EMT and waiting to get into the fire academy we're not charging him rent. We're traveling so he's taking care of the house. We stocked the fridge but he'll have to come up with the scratch to restock while we're gone. So we're giving him a helping hand but not fully supporting him.

Looking at extended family we see two relatives living with their parents in their 30s/40s. In both cases there are mental health issues. But it's our goal to get our kids independent. Fortunately out kids don't seem to have issues (so far). Like I said at the top, it depends on the family, kids, and circumstances.

 

[tulak]

I gave my kids a full ride for their undergrad, up to in-state tuition costs along with a monthly stipend for rent/food. Everything else they had to pay for on their own.

Once they were done with school and started working, no financial help. When they were living with me, I expected them to pitch in for expenses, when they got a job.

When they moved out, they are fully on their own. I might gift money at times to help out, but that’s optional. For example, helping with a down payment towards a house (we live in a HCOL area which is challenging). But they’re adults and need to figure out how to make their finances work.

 

[Delawaredave5]

My quick beliefs:
1. I don't "owe" kids anything after age 20
2. Make sure my needs are met first (short and long term)
3. Help kids only when "they are helping themselves"

When the kids were "busting ass towards a goal" (term I use with them) - we've supported a lot temporarily - education, medical, vacation, rent, etc.

When not, they are on their own.

We have friends with kids that are mid 30's and the parent support (money and doing life management things for them) has become an "entitlement" and enabled the kids to "slack and whine" and the parents have become "co dependent".

Don't go there......

 

[JoeWras]

I don't have kids, so my opinion probably doesn't matter. These days, I'd say 22, with contributions to things like car insurance expenses before that.

As an outside observer, I'm completely amazed by the change in this we've seen in our lifetimes. I'm the youngest of a bunch of siblings and cousins. I remember the aunts and uncles talking about "room and board" they charged to my cousins who didn't go to college and were 18 or 19. I was blown away that parents were charging kids. "Is this allowed?" And it lit a fire under me. First, I wanted to go to college, and second, I was inspired to get a job or mow lawns to pay for stuff so that mom and dad didn't put a hammer down on me like their siblings were to my cousins.

Maybe that was my extended family's (both sides) culture. Or maybe it was the culture of the time.

Times have changed, and it isn't as easy for an 18 to 22 year old. Yet, they need something to wake them up, and contributing to car insurance seems sensible. Welcome to the real worlds.

It is unbelievable how many of my church friends have kids post 25 years old treating them like 17 year olds. Something happened.

 

[YellowSubmarine]

What is a realistic expectation when it comes to how much an adult child (in college, not in their first or beyond job) should contribute towards their care and keeping?

For example -- parent paying for rent / college tuition / first car etc while child pays for cell phone bills / car insurance / gas etc? I'm just curious to know how other parents are easing their kids into "adulting".

Also, how soon after a child graduates college or starting their first full-time "real job" is it reasonable for a child to fully assume all their bills (including their own rent etc., if they are not living with you)? If the kid isn't living with you or does not want to live with you, do you subsidize rent in the first year or so while they work on building their savings up, etc?

Please share.

LOL...I left home at 18.5 yo and always paid for my college and all cost of living. The first few years were difficult, but it was an adventure and learning experience like none other. The more control you assume in your child's life the less motivation and responsibility your child will assume -basic human behavior.

 

[L-5Player]

I base these decisions on their means and effort/goals. It's fluid and not dogmatic. End of the day, I want to help them all reach their goals - and we talk about those goals, which I think is important. We have the means to give them a leg up in this competitive world, but they must still do the actual legwork.

We live in a VHCOL area. I have one in mid 20s who went to trade school and is demonstrating forward progress in their career, but earning enough to comfortably pay full rent is still in the future. Living at home was beginning to affect her self-esteem and personal development as an adult. So she moved out and we subsidize a portion of rent. But all other expenses are on them.

Another, early 20s, finished undergrad early and is preparing to apply to masters programs in another country. She is fully dependent on us, so we cover rent, utilities, and a food stipend. But discretionary spending needs to come from her savings. She'll run out eventually, so finding some sort of base employment will be necessary. Being self-sufficient is important to this one.

The youngest is still in college, and is a go-getter, saver, frugal type. She's very money conscious and also seeks independence, so again, that intent fuels good will on our part.

 

[Surewhitey]

Graduating HS in 89, I was already picking up my car, insurance and was expected to pay rent if I didn't have a plan... I moved out & learned quick @19.

Our kiddo was taken care of until college was done and then she got married... We got off cheap until she had 2 grands. We'd probably do it similar today.

 

[latexman]

Some kids need to bake longer than others. Some never get done. Just don’t light yourself on fire to bake them too long.

 

[Spock]

One of my last observations before involuntary retirement from megacorp was when a manager brought a new hire around the offices to meet the team... the new hire was accompanied by his father to his first day at work. Back then it was blamed on "helicopter parents". It's only gotten worse.
IMO, just because you can afford to help your adult children doesn't mean you are actually helping your children to be an adult.

Attributed to Mark Twain:

 

[engineernerd]

When I went to college my room and board were included in the package (dorms and dining commons). I think if the academic program is challenging then it's best for the student to be able to focus on learning the material and getting good grades.

I have read that the academic programs are not as challenging as they used to be, which I think is a huge problem for the future of this country (I don't know personally how true this is).

 

[badatmath]

During college, they paid my tuition but I worked for spending money or did without (mostly the latter).

I did not get a cent after college graduation to help with first months rent or furnishings or anything like that. Got a loan with my proof of employment letter to buy a car to get to work.

 

[Car-Guy]

Depends on the child. If still in college and carrying a full load and doing well, then I would pay the freight. However if they become a career student then they pay it all. Once out of school and working, "and" if they are really trying but just can't seem to make it, then I'd help them out for as long as it takes.

 

[badatmath]

Depends on the child. If still in college and carrying a full load and doing well, then I would pay the freight. However if they become a career student then they pay it all. Once out of school and working, "and" if they are really trying but just can't seem to make it, then I'd help them out for as long as it takes.

I was told I had $x amount of money and I better finish before it ran out. So I took extra classes and graduated early cause I was worried I'd run out before the money did. As I was a good student I have no idea why my parents complained so much but they did.

I guess it was because they didn't believe college was all that important. My mom tried to talk me out of it several times and told me I'd have to choose between it and having a wedding paid for since I couldn't have both.

 

[disneysteve]

What is a realistic expectation when it comes to how much an adult child (in college, not in their first or beyond job) should contribute towards their care and keeping?

I think the "job" of a college student is to do the best they can in college. We did not want DD working during college; we wanted her being a college student. So the expectation on our part was that she would contribute $0 to her care.

Also, how soon after a child graduates college or starting their first full-time "real job" is it reasonable for a child to fully assume all their bills (including their own rent etc., if they are not living with you)? If the kid isn't living with you or does not want to live with you, do you subsidize rent in the first year or so while they work on building their savings up, etc?

Now once she started working we had her start contributing to her upkeep. We charge her "rent" which covers her cell phone bill, her auto insurance, and some money toward general expenses. She pretty much pays for anything else she wants like if she buys clothing or books or video games or whatever. We buy the groceries and we pay if we all go out to eat, but if she goes out on her own she pays. When we all travel together, we typically cover costs (except for souvenirs and stuff). If we go to a fan convention, expenses are split.

If and when she gets her own place, I would be happy to subsidize that if needed. It would be worth every penny to me to have her out of the house.

 

[timbervest]

We paid college costs (tuition/room and board/books) so they would not be burdened by debt and both worked during college to earn money for extras. Both were out of the house by 18. One went to grad school on their own nickel. Both now are fully employeed and self supporting except one does get a small monthly support from us as they are in a lower paying field. We gift annually some money (early inheritance) but for the most part they are on their own.

Depends on circumstances.

 

[38Chevy454]

I see quite a few failure to launch in friends and their kids. Not doing the kids any favors by not making them become responsible self supporting adults.

Caveat: I worked my way through school, have worked full time since 15, except part time during school. I don't have much sympathy for lack of sacrifice to meet a future goal.

 

[disneysteve]

I should add that our daughter has an annuity from a legal settlement. When she turned 18, she began getting about $600/mo from that (2% annual increase) so she had spending money in college from that.

 

[badatmath]

I should add that our daughter has an annuity from a legal settlement. When she turned 18, she began getting about $600/mo from that (2% annual increase) so she had spending money in college from that.

Wow I need one of those now!

 

[youbet]

I think every kid and household is different.

After scrolling through the entire thread and all the fine insights therein, this is the one I like the best. And I'll add, just because your life followed some path and set of circumstances doesn't mean the kid next door or your nephew/niece or whoever should be handled in that same manner.

 

[PatrickA5]

I don't think the way I had to start out has anything to do with the way my kids should. I don't WANT them to go through what I did.

We supported our kids through college. Two finished college and had good jobs right out of school at which point we stopped financial help. The third kid worked from high school forward and dropped out of college about half way through. All kids are doing well and we were fortunate that none of them came back home to live once they left at 18. Having said that, we are always available if times get tough.

We do give an occasional gift. Most recently, we gave money to help out with down payments on first homes. Not a lot, but enough to get them out of having to rent. We will continue to gift over the years, but not often enough to where they can "expect" ongoing support - not that there is necessarily anything wrong with that.

 

[JoeWras]

I don't think the way I had to start out has anything to do with the way my kids should. I don't WANT them to go through what I did.

Yes.

I think about my grandmother (born 1899) who quit after 6th grade so she "could" work in the sweat shop hat factory.

But it seems to have swung way in the other direction.

 

[disneysteve]

Wow I need one of those now!

Just get someone to smash into your car, nearly kill you, slice up your face and eye, knock you out, and need emergency surgery. And then go through the subsequent legal proceedings.

 

[badatmath]

The only thing I wish my parents would have done differently is not tell me to "wait for your inheritance". Over and over they discouraged me from doing perfectly normal things and told me to wait for things I never got. At least I didn't listen when they said "no need to save so much for retirement" since "inheritance". Ha. I'd be living in the car if I had done that. But even if I magically won the lottery tomorrow (which I don't play) and had money I can't get back wasted time when I wanted to do other things and didn't.

 

[Car-Guy]

Just get someone to smash into your car, nearly kill you, slice up your face and eye, knock you out, and need emergency surgery. And then go through the subsequent legal proceedings.

I hope they "at least" paid for her car and medical bills too!