When should (adult) kids launch?

[disneysteve]

I hope they "at least" paid for her car and medical bills too!

She was actually 6 when it happened. My wife was driving her to summer camp. They got t-boned and the side door got driven into her head.

Yes insurance paid for the car, medical care, therapy, etc. Then from the court case she got the annuity. Started at $600/mo at 18 and increases 2%/yr for life. I think it’s up close to $800/mo.

 

[Gumby]

An unspoken assumption in the OP is that the parents who are trying to decide the answer to this question actually are able to financially assist their progeny into adulthood. That's not a given in this country. I've been 100% financially self supporting since the day I left home and joined the Navy three weeks after high school graduation. My parents were poor and could not have helped me even if they wanted to. It worked out alright for me, but I very well could have crashed and burned in those early days.

The young wife and I had the assets but never had the kids, so we were thankfully spared the agita of making this type of decision. It's a tough one for sure.

 

[SecondCor521]

I agree that it varies. Family resources, how the parents evaluate their own launches into life, kid personalities / behaviors / work ethics, culture at the time all play into it.

I think most typical young adults can and will adapt to whatever plan the parents lay out. I think it's important for adults to lay out the general plan early and often so the young kids know the deal.

I think it can also be negotiated in a healthy way. As an example, I assumed all three of my kids would be college types and so I set up college funds. One of mine turned out to be an entrepreneur type and so his college fund was repurposed and re-discussed as a launch into life fund and we discussed and negotiated how that would work. It worked out really well.

Also, in general my kids' life experiences were far more varied than I expected, so my launch plan for them was continually being tweaked to account for new and surprising variables. My Dad had to do a similar thing when I got married before I graduated from college - that was not the expected script and so adjustments needed to be made.

For my offspring: I stopped paying for extras some time in high school. I never paid for cars or cell phones at all; I did make sure they got where they needed to go when they needed to get there. I covered all tuition/fees/room/board/travel to/from for a bachelor's degree if they wanted one. They each get their leftovers from the college funds. They can live at home rent free and have free food and utilities if needed, and that's a standing offer in case of divorce or other calamity.

I'm not covering house down payments or weddings directly. But I am planning to disclaim some of my inheritance which will devolve to them and is more than enough to cover those two things if that's what they want to use the money for. In general I've discussed that I hope it helps them accelerate their goals whatever they are.

Like some others, I'm gifting annually to them as part of my own estate planning / Die With Zero approach. I do watch carefully for, and have discussed with them, signs of economic outpatient care. Haven't seen it yet.

Specific stories:

My DS30 graduated from college at about 25, and we agreed he could live at home rent free to save up a house down payment. He did that for two years, put down 20% on a 3/2 nearby, can afford it on his own but house hacks by having two roommates.

DS25 did half a college degree in mechanical engineering during COVID with ADHD. He figured out he's an entrepreneur type, owns his own very successful business, and just bought a house this year with his GF of two years.

DD23 earned a college degree with more than a full ride - they paid her each semester to go to school for four years. Has been working for a year, and lives with DS30 and pays nominal rent. Saves like 60% of her paycheck. Hasn't lived at home since maybe the summer of her college junior year.

 

[imjustawarrior]

I left home at 18 for the Army. I have been on my own since. I put myself through college and masters.

I think my parents were too hands off. My brothers and I always had to figure out things on our own and get it done.

My DW and I have the means to help our children get off to a good start. We basically pay for everything except pocket money. They have to work for that. Our oldest is a senior in college. We will probably pay for his masters. Then the expectation is that he gets a job and support himself. Our next one is a sophomore in college and is working on a 7 year plan to get her doctorate. We told her if she lived at home, we would pay for all her college. Our youngest is a senior in HS. She is still trying to come up with a plan.

Fundamentally, I have no problem if our kids want to live at home after college for a while. We would have to work out the details like rent and chores.

 

[Sue J]

We fully supported our sons through the college years. We paid tuition and room and board but they paid for anything personal or extra. Both finished in eight semesters. Their grandparents had set up a college trust fund which paid for about 1/3 of our costs, so that was very helpful.

After graduation the older son came home and lived here for a while. He had a full time salary job with benefits and while he was here he paid a percentage of his take home pay as a contribution to the household.

When the younger son graduated he came home and lived here for a while. He was self employed as an audio engineer/technician. He paid the same percentage of his income to the household but his income was high some months and low or non-existent other months. Living at home really helped him get his self employed thing operating enough to move out.

I think the percentage we used was 40% to 45%. It's been a while and I don't remember. We wanted it to be a good chunk of their income while still being able to save enough to move out.

When they launched and moved out they each did it very well. Nobody ever moved back! Son #1 is single, debt free and saves and invests. Son #2 was self employed until he and his wife had their first child and bought a house. He took a salary job with one of the companies he had worked for. They are also debt free except for their home mortgage.

We might not have been perfect parents in every aspect, but I think we did this right.

 

[Midpack]

I don’t think it’s an age. My Dad expected me to work full time every Summer, did not want me working while a full time college student (focus on study), and he made up whatever I couldn’t from Summer earnings - which was most of the expenses, tuition (nationally known out of state school, so not cheap), room & board and a reasonable allowance (when/if my Summer earnings ran out). That seemed more than fair in 1972-76, but whether that’s still workable now IDK…

My parents never paid a dime once I graduated that I recall. My job was always far from their home. Again, if that’s still workable 50 years later IDK?

Like many noted in another thread, you’re not doing your kids a favor by paying their bills once the start their first real full time job. They need to be financially independent as soon as possible IMO. They’ll be better for it whether they know it or not at the time.

 

[Kings over Queens]

I agree with those who have said "it depends." It's really not a one size fits all situation.

I'd suggest a different question is "why isn't my adult kid launching" assuming that is the concern, or, "what can I do to get my adult kid to launch" might be another question. Again, this assumes we are looking to dive into why adult kids aren't launching.

My view, adult kids don't launch for many reasons, some financial, others emotional, and some of that is on them, and some of that might be on the parents.

 

[RetiredHappy]

A reflection of what my parents did for me, I paid for my son's undergraduate tuition, food, car and a monthly allowance. Once the child makes enough money to support oneself, that's when parents stop having financial responsibilities for the child. If the child is unemployed due to no fault of their own, then the parents will continue to support them financially.

 

[badatmath]

A reflection of what my parents did for me, I paid for my son's undergraduate tuition, food, car and a monthly allowance. Once the child makes enough money to support oneself, that's when parents stop having financial responsibilities for the child. If the child is unemployed due to no fault of their own, then the parents will continue to support them financially.

And what happens when the parents are not able to support the unemployed adult?

 

[Dtail]

I personally wished to get out of the house after graduation from college. Lived at home 2 more years then moved out. Got married 2 years later.
My SO has her 40+ years old son living with us currently while he works his way to a new career in the airline industry. It has been 2 years so far. WSO and I agreed on a 5 year max. Not charging him rent or utilities.
We shall see.

 

[RetiredHappy]

And what happens when the parents are not able to support the unemployed adult?

Of course the parents supporting the unemployed adult is based on the parents' own financial situation. My own belief is that no child asked to be born, so the parents are responsible for their children's well-being because they chose to have their children. In other words, if you choose to have children, you need to think of consequences of that decision before you have them. I would declare that I never intended to have children but "accidents" do happen.

 

[SecondCor521]

My parents never paid a dime once I graduated that I recall. My job was always far from their home. Again, if that’s still workable 50 years later IDK?

Intergenerational comparisons are hard.

I think job opportunities and resources are easier to connect with these days due to the Internet and job sites and search engines. (I still advised my kids to job search based on personal connection, but the two with jobs got them through job fairs, which is sort of personal compared to spamming resumes.)

Where I live, housing is comparatively more expensive for my kids than it was for me, so I think that is a somewhat bigger hurdle for them. In 1994 we bought our first home which was 2x my salary. My DS30 bought his house three years ago for about 4x his salary. My DS25 bought his house this year and it was probably 5x his 2024 net business income. Interest rates were roughly comparable - I think our 1994 rate was 7.5% or 8%, DS30 bought down to a rate in the high 5% range, and DS25 bought in the low 6% range.

Another aspect to our local market is that prices were going up faster than people could save down payments. By the time you got 20% of the $400K house, it was $550K and you're still stuck renting.

Most youngsters around here do some combination of (a) live at home, (b) house hack, (c) get help from parents, (d) rent for a long time, or (e) dual income and (f) live house poor.

 

[badatmath]

I personally wished to get out of the house after graduation from college. Lived at home 2 more years then moved out. Got married 2 years later.
My SO has her 40+ years old son living with us currently while he works his way to a new career in the airline industry. It has been 2 years so far. WSO and I agreed on a 5 year max. Not charging him rent or utilities.
We shall see.

I wouldn't deal well with that in most cases. . . but lucky for me I can't get a date so won't be an issue!

 

[badatmath]

Of course the parents supporting the unemployed adult is based on the parents' own financial situation. My own belief is that no child asked to be born, so the parents are responsible for their children's well-being because they chose to have their children. In other words, if you choose to have children, you need to think of consequences of that decision before you have them. I would declare that I never intended to have children but "accidents" do happen.

Well I meant from the child's point of view. It becomes sink or swim when no one is there to bail you out. For some it happens at 18, some at 40, some never I guess.

 

[RetiredHappy]

Well I meant from the child's point of view. It becomes sink or swim when no one is there to bail you out. For some it happens at 18, some at 40, some never I guess.

I know what you mean. I do believe in responsible parenting. It's like there are single unmarried mothers on welfare who keep popping them out. It is a social issue. If we all can be responsible adults and only raise children when we can afford to, and to ensure that they continue to be have a roof over their heads and have food into adulthood, then the society is better off. It is not about coddling but rather if the child grows up to be successful financially, then it is the best outcome, but if the child is not successful, like my own offspring who has ASD, he should not be left to financially fend for himself.

 

[RetiredAndLovingIt]

I personally wished to get out of the house after graduation from college. Lived at home 2 more years then moved out. Got married 2 years later.
My SO has her 40+ years old son living with us currently while he works his way to a new career in the airline industry. It has been 2 years so far. WSO and I agreed on a 5 year max. Not charging him rent or utilities.
We shall see.

You're not really encouraging him to move if you're not charging him any rent. When my son moved back in with me after he moved out at 18, I agreed to let him back but he had to pay a minimal rent. The carrot was that he could stay for one year and when he left I'd give him back 1/2 of his rent payments. The stick was stay even one day longer than that and the offer was off the table and he should expect a rent increase moving forward. He planned accordingly and was out as agreed and got his refund.

 

[Dtail]

You're not really encouraging him to move if you're not charging him any rent. When my son moved back in with me after he moved out at 18, I agreed to let him back but he had to pay a minimal rent. The carrot was that he could stay for one year and when he left I'd give him back 1/2 of his rent payments. The stick was stay even one day longer than that and the offer was off the table and he should expect a rent increase moving forward. He planned accordingly and was out as agreed and got his refund.

I should have added that we agreed if he is still here on Feb 1, 2027 then we will start charging rent.

 

[rk911]

Disclosure...we have no kids.

Me? I thought and believed I was ready to "launch" after graduating from HS. That was 1968. My parents wanted me to do better, be better, than them and that meant college so off I went but all I wanted was to get my own place, go to work and start my life. My dad passed just after the end of my freshman year so I stayed home wirh mom for another year and did my sophmore year at a local junior college. I married my wife at the end of my sophmore year.

I like to think that had one of our adult kids asked to live with us post college we absolutely would've helped out. But that would've come with conditions, foremost among them would be a a requirement to become gainfully employed within a period of time, reasonable rent, and house rules.

 

[FlaGator]

The only thing I wish my parents would have done differently is not tell me to "wait for your inheritance". Over and over they discouraged me from doing perfectly normal things and told me to wait for things I never got. At least I didn't listen when they said "no need to save so much for retirement" since "inheritance". Ha. I'd be living in the car if I had done that. But even if I magically won the lottery tomorrow (which I don't play) and had money I can't get back wasted time when I wanted to do other things and didn't.

Sorry that happened. Can't make up for the foregone years, but you appear to have recovered.

I had a parent like that. Promised/implied college would be paid for. That didn't happen and I figured it out quickly. Much later learned he planned to pay for that from futures trading which worked out the polar opposite as intended. Was one of many financial promises that didn't materialize and damaged my view of him for years until I realized he was a dreamer with no follow-through. Decided to forgive, but never forgot. Died penniless. I'm trying hard to have a different outcome.

 

[badatmath]

Thanks FlaGator. All we can do is keep trying.

​

 

[FlaGator]

I agree with those who have said "it depends." It's really not a one size fits all situation.

I'd suggest a different question is "why isn't my adult kid launching" assuming that is the concern, or, "what can I do to get my adult kid to launch" might be another question. Again, this assumes we are looking to dive into why adult kids aren't launching.

My view, adult kids don't launch for many reasons, some financial, others emotional, and some of that is on them, and some of that might be on the parents.

Agree. Lot of variables - the kids' specific circumstances, parent resources, and patience seem to be the drivers.

Without getting into the details, I'm doing things that I believe are "right" but would also be open to criticism. Given the specific circumstances, I'm comfortable with what I'm paying for and how long I may incur those expenses.

As parents, we have to make those decisions apart from judgement or influence from outsiders. I've long believed the job of parents is to raise kids to be independent. Sometimes that takes more time than we like due to circumstances beyond our control or ability to influence.

To the OP, do what you think is right, and if you see your job as a parent is it to make your kids independent adults able to be successful on their own, you'll be OK. And so will they.

 

[jollystomper]

One of our parenting learned lessons is that it is not consistent among your children, one has to be sensitive at the difference paces and tracks they take. It is also important to not look at your journey as the journey they need to take. You can use it as an example, and encourage them, but the times they are a-changing, and each generation has a different set of obstacles to deal with.

Our general guidelines were to pay for college up to a certain number of years. If they chose to live at home, they had to work and pay rent (which - unknown to them while paying rent - once they moved out we would gift them with a few months later). If they found a job in another city, we would help them out with paying six months of their rent and, if they did not have one, assist with getting a vehicle, if need (a good, cheap, used one).

We are fortunate that all of kids have a strong independent streak where they do not want to live at home. They all initially launched in their early 20s - a crazy range of launches from college to the Peace Corps to jail. Those experiences taught us the lesson of inconsistency . None of them launched as we thought they would when they were 18. They all came back at least once, but for - in our view - valid reasons, and they worked to get out as soon as they could. In those situations we did not charge rent - but they were grateful for that, and volunteered to help out in other ways.

There have been a few times, when we thought coming back for a bit might be helpful, the response was "thanks Mom and Dad, but I need to figure this out for myself". With that type of attitude, it makes it easy for us to help them as needed, as - when they accept the help - they do not take that help for granted.

 

[livingalmostlarge]

I'll tell you when you I get there but life has already happened when I made a plan and got punched in the mouth. So my lesson is nothing goes to plan. Be ready to roll with punches and sometimes what you can't see with a "failure to launch" kid is the issues the parents don't share with you and everyone else they are struggling with.

I realized in parenting that what people see isn't always a reflection of what's really happening.

Friends made comments about how easy my kids seemed but they weren't walking the walk. And it hasn't been easy or a cakewalk. And there is a reason I ended up at home with more than I expected or planned to handle.

Had a plan and got punched in mouth. So be careful of judging failure to launch kids. Maybe you'll end up with one.

I pray I don't but who knows. I can only say I'm trying my best but a lot of things can happen.

 

[JoeWras]

I woke up one morning when I was 22 and realized I was an adult because I was paying for all my own insurance (car, medical, rental). I never felt like a true adult until that happened.

 

[athena53]

I paid for my son's ACA coverage when he no longer qualified for my employer's coverage. He was 22 and had graduated but was

I woke up one morning when I was 22 and realized I was an adult because I was paying for all my own insurance (car, medical, rental). I never felt like a true adult until that happened.

I was going to mention health insurance. When DS got out of college he was working PT in Customer Service for an insurance company, as the first point of contact when customers called with an auto claim. We gave him our old car (a Subaru, 5+ years old) and I kept him on my employer's health insurance. He took care of the rest. Fortunately, the company took him on FT after 6 months or so. I would not have let him go without health insurance.

As others have said, it depends. My 4 siblings and I were raised in Ohio in the 1970s and if you had a decent entry-level job after college you could afford an apartment and groceries. DS was based in Des Moines, also a reasonable COL. We'd moved from NJ for my job after he got out of HS. It would have been a completely different story in NJ.