When should (adult) kids launch?

[AZsniper]

I have three daughters 23, 21, 19. For college, we pay rent and a small stipend - 150 per month for food and whatever. The rest they cover. They cover tuition. We told them many years ago to get good grades and they could save on tuition with scholarships, which they all have done so far.
Our oldest is a RN and graduated at 20, she is a travel nurse in Boston making $$$, and has been 100% off the payroll since she got her first job out of college. My middle and youngest are roommates in college now. We pay their room, 150 each/mo, and when we visit we load them up with Costco etc, which was like $700, and do that each semester. They pay their own car, car insurance, phone, clothes, etc.
Speaking with them, they feel like they have friends whose parents pay for everything, and some pay for almost nothing.
Once they are out of school and have a job, they are on their own.

 

[HarveyS]

I agree that there is no one-size-fits-all answer for the question. What I believe is that parents need to begin developing a sense of independence in their children at a young age.

 

[disneysteve]

Be ready to roll with punches and sometimes what you can't see with a "failure to launch" kid is the issues the parents don't share with you and everyone else they are struggling with.

I realized in parenting that what people see isn't always a reflection of what's really happening.

This is so true. People are quick to judge but they rarely know what's actually going on behind the facade.

I may have mentioned before that our daughter has mental health issues. Yes she graduated college with honors. Yes she has a good full time job. Yes she is intelligent and articulate and a hard worker. And no, she isn't ready to live independently. She would never last and forcing her to do so could very well end with her taking her own life, which is something we'd like to avoid (I had a brother who went that route years ago).

So she just turned 30 and she lives with us. I don't see that changing anytime soon. To others, that might look like "failure to launch" but I really don't live my life worrying about what others think of our life because they're not the ones living it.

 

[Flieger]

It is different for each, but there is also a limit (IMO).

DD1 - Went to college, we paid all other than 1st year, where we had her put some "skin in the game" with a student loan for 50% of first year tuition and room and board. Once she proved she was serious, we took it all over. Fast forward a couple of years after college and we had given her a car (that was still in our name), and then told her she needed to transfer to her name and take over insurance. She was well established at that time. Had to finally tell her (after a few months of trying to get her to do it) that she either met me at the County office to transfer or I was selling the car since it was still in my name. She finally met me. Laughs about it now (she's 35). Her and husband very successful and asks for Financial advice all the time.

DD2 (2 yrs younger) - Was/Is a free spirit. Flipped us the bird when she turned 18 and left the house. Didn't finish HS despite having a 4.3 out of 5.0 gpa (don't ask about the scale, something to do with Honors/AP). She def went through the "school of hard knocks for several years. I continued to help (a couple of (older) cars, help with deposits on apartments (but not signing leases), etc. She had our granddaughter (now 10) during this phase. She never gave up, never came back home, took/passed the GED without studying, and started working at a MAACO as and estimator. Fast forward, she's now a GM for a Caliber Collision (6 figure salary) and they are putting her through training to be Area/Regional Manager. We (as well as DD1) have a great relationship I think in part to providing some help, and her "growing up" from being a parent.

Go with your gut for each (if more than one). You know them best.

Flieger

 

[Qs Laptop]

I'm late to this discussion but I would say a healthy adult child that has a new college degree or has graduated from a trade school, I would give them a year after they achieved that to move out. In that year they should get a job and save some money to help with the transition.

If they are not going to go to college or trade school I would give them until they are 23 years old.

So basically, one way or another, you are out of my house by the time you are 23.

 

[NomDeER]

My parents didn't pay a dime for anything once I left home for college. I started working when I was 13, and I paid all my education expenses, with the help of scholarships, grants, and student loans. That's obviously extreme and I had to spend too much time working while I was in college, but I do think it made me understand the value of a dollar and learn about financial matters and spending responsibly. I don't think college students should be working so much that it interferes with their education, but I think most kids should be working a little and contributing toward their expenses while in college, especially anything beyond essentials. No college student can study every working hour.

I think helping a kid out after college depends on circumstances. If you want to help get them started, then maybe a graduation present that will help with a down payment for a car that they will need for work is a good idea. And they may need some help with a deposit for an apartment. Something to get started. If they need to sacrifice on some fun things, that's part of life and part of what drives people to work harder and be more financially responsible.

In some cases, subsidizing a kid post-college does not teach independence and responsibility and may teach entitlement. And it doesn't help them understand how things work in the real world and why some people whose parents can't subsidize them after 18 can have a difficult time.

Having said that, I think that helping kids who are helping themselves and have the right independent frame of mind can make sense. I had a friend who was an administrative assistant, with no college degree. She took out loans to help her son go to college. (Her ex did nothing, even though she had a lot more money and he was supposed to pay for half of college expenses according to their divorce settlement.) Her son also took out college loans. After college, he came back and lived with her for a couple of years. She was in a job that was not secure. Even though he was earning decent money and could have paid for an apartment or helped his mother with expenses, he didn't. She didn't ask him to. But, he paid for a sensible car to get to work, paid off all his student loans in just two years, and saved a little money for grad school. She did end up losing her job and retiring earlier than expected. But, the son has now graduated from grad school, has bought a house, and is doing well in his career. I have no doubt that he understands the sacrifices his mother made for him and, if she ever found herself in need, he would help her out.

 

[tryan]

Got the 2 boys thru college (this included summer courses for one .... rough freshman year). Then I cut the cord on everything except the cell phone plan (additional phones are really "cheap" compared to individual plans).

As my mother always said "we raised you to fly" .... mine are flying.

My sister has a 40 yo "man child" she gives cash to monthly. This enables him to remain unemployed and smoke a bunch of dope. Which one is really the dope??

 

[62Dawg]

My grandson was not interested in college. He was interested in business. Worked days and nights. Completed his business associates degree at Community college is year and hald. Saved $150,000. Purchased his own home. He is 21. Learning is not a four year experience. Learning is a lifetime experience.

 

[pacergal]

As many have said, it all depends.
Our kids have always known we would help if needed. Both DS39 and DD36 have boomeranged back home a couple of times, for health reasons, job loss, whatever. They know we will always have a home for them or help with finances if they need it. But they also know we will not harm our retirement to do it.
We have said no at times, they accepted it and moved on to find other solutions.
We feel so blessed to be able to help when needed. And our kids are very grateful and thankful when we do. They are good kids and great parents.

 

[pb4uski]

No right answer. IMO it depends on the family, their means, how much the value higher education, etc.

For me, parents paid tuition, room and board for all 4 years, subject to good grades. They also paid a stipend for other expenses for my freshman year but I paid after that other than dad would slip me a twenty now and then. Interestingly, we never really discussed it, it just happened. I never paid rent or room and board when I was home.

DWs family was less affluent. She paid for herself or got scholarships or loans, which we paid when young married couple.

DD got a 4-year scholarship (essentially a discount to induce her to select that school) and we paid tuition, room, board, books and some towards her expenses.

DS chose not to go to college. At one point we started charging him $400/mo for room and board with the stipulation that it would be refunded after he moved out.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

The only thing I wish my parents would have done differently is not tell me to "wait for your inheritance". Over and over they discouraged me from doing perfectly normal things and told me to wait for things I never got. At least I didn't listen when they said "no need to save so much for retirement" since "inheritance". Ha. I'd be living in the car if I had done that. But even if I magically won the lottery tomorrow (which I don't play) and had money I can't get back wasted time when I wanted to do other things and didn't.

Wow. Similar story for me.

I grew up on a farm and my parents were depression era. Children were expected (demanded) to work from the time they could work at any chore, often 5 or 6 years old. By the time they were 12 they were expected to work like adults. School and education was a distraction to the farm effort. I was a straight A student and wanted to go to college. My dad said "No, you are going to work on this farm and inherit it someday, you better stick around here and work to help pay for it!" All we were told for our effort was "You'll get a farm someday" One day when I was about a senior in high school I asked "When is someday?" My dad replied "when your mother and I are dead". So I realized that I could work like a rented mule for the next 40 years for no compensation all to wait for a promised inheritance....or I could go to work and have a life. I chose the second option. I did stick around for a few years until dad got his farm paid for. I figured I owed him that.

Oh, "someday" happened when I was 58. I was already FIRED for 7 years.

To anyone here please listen to me. Never work or wait for a promised inheritance. You're wasting time of your life and the inheritance likely won't happen like you were told. I've seen it a lot here in farm country.

I think it was Benjamin Franklin who suggested that the estate tax be 100%. That way parents couldn't rob their children's future ambitions by holding potential inheritance over their head.

 

[Mulligan]

We paid college costs (tuition/room and board/books) so they would not be burdened by debt and both worked during college to earn money for extras. Both were out of the house by 18. One went to grad school on their own nickel. Both now are fully employeed and self supporting except one does get a small monthly support from us as they are in a lower paying field. We gift annually some money (early inheritance) but for the most part they are on their own.

Depends on circumstances.

It was a different era for me going to college in early 80s and college was a lot cheaper. My dad said he would pay first two years and I pay last two years. I maxed out student loans yearly to get 12%-15% CDs, and the interest collected paid for my senior year so I was only out one year of debt.
But I also worked 16-20 hours a week at local Safeway store, selectively partied hard and chasing the ladies a couple days a week and still graduated with a 3.6% GPA. Sounds exhausting looking back, ha.
…I never asked, wanted or received a penny from my parents after he paid the second year of college. I was thankful for what I got as they were not wealthy in any manner at all.

 

[Spock]

As a junior in high school, Dad accompanied me to civil air patrol presentation at the local National Guard office. It was basically a recruitment show for ROTC.
On the way back to the car Dad stated that if it meant the difference between me signing up for ROTC or him paying for my college, he would pay for college.

The summer I graduated high school he started charging me for room and board to live at home.
He made good money. In my early teens I helped him build a 4plex for rental income.
He never paid a dime for college. He did co-sign a $1500 loan for a used car (1974 Charge SE).

I burnt my savings (one semester I paid the last bit of tuition of my tuition bill with a bag of Susan B Anthony dollar coins that I had bought out of the cash register at work because there wasn't a coin slot in the cash drawer), got a few small grants, worked in the college bookstore and campus computer center, and took out a bunch of student loans.

Splitting a pizza with a room mate meant having to review the checking account first.
Toilet paper had a label on it that read "Another quality abrasive from 3M".
The winter thermostat was set in the low-60's which drew complaints from Mom when they visited.
A lot of meals were a can of Spaghetti-Os and 1/3 of a ring baloney. This was in a time and location before ramen noodle packages.

After I graduated Dad was always willing to physically help with "stuff" that came up. But the wallet stayed shut.

So it makes me bristle a bit when today's young adults start crying how boomers had it so easy.

 

[CO-guy]

I guess every family is different. I still remember the toast my mother gave me at my college graduation dinner.

"You are welcome to come home anytime you want.......to visit."

Other than college tuition and other educational expenses, she stopped paying for nearly everything when I turned 13. If I wanted new clothes, toys, and eventually a car, that was all on me.

 

[kgtest]

I moved out of my folks house twice. They let me move back in to save money. It was a great financial decision.

I scrounged for everything else, and the months I actually had a little extra I paid mom and dad rent money.


This created a problem when I actually DID want to flee the nest. I had no cash to do anything. Thankfully Dad pulled a fast one and said, I will repay you ALL the money you paid us in rent, but only for a down payment on a home.

So, that barrier to entry was completely removed for DW and I which was an incredible gift. Likely the reason we are in a 2-story and not a WWII flat.

Pushing up into this more affluent neighborhood has been great.

 

[kgtest]

As a junior in high school, Dad accompanied me to civil air patrol presentation at the local National Guard office. It was basically a recruitment show for ROTC.
On the way back to the car Dad stated that if it meant the difference between me signing up for ROTC or him paying for my college, he would pay for college.

The summer I graduated high school he started charging me for room and board to live at home.
He made good money. In my early teens I helped him build a 4plex for rental income.
He never paid a dime for college. He did co-sign a $1500 loan for a used car (1974 Charge SE).

I burnt my savings (one semester I paid the last bit of tuition of my tuition bill with a bag of Susan B Anthony dollar coins that I had bought out of the cash register at work because there wasn't a coin slot in the cash drawer), got a few small grants, worked in the college bookstore and campus computer center, and took out a bunch of student loans.

Splitting a pizza with a room mate meant having to review the checking account first.
Toilet paper had a label on it that read "Another quality abrasive from 3M".
The winter thermostat was set in the low-60's which drew complaints from Mom when they visited.
A lot of meals were a can of Spaghetti-Os and 1/3 of a ring baloney. This was in a time and location before ramen noodle packages.

After I graduated Dad was always willing to physically help with "stuff" that came up. But the wallet stayed shut.

So it makes me bristle a bit when today's young adults start crying how boomers had it so easy.

My mom and dad grew up dirt poor. It sounds like a VERY similar relationship to my folks.

It wasn't until my dad had about $2million invested in the market that he started to make "some" good on all the failed promises. I'll pay for college, I won't pay for college...I'll buy your first car, you need to repay me for that car I just bought you...etc etc.

I can see this dynamic playing out with our 10yr old son.

He gets frustrated at me for not doling out cash, and see's how I am able to pull in capital and income, and since he is only 10 with almost no way of earning cash beyond HH chores it bothers him.

He wants to earn cash so he can start paying for the things he wants. It's my job to ensure he has enough for the things he needs, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

[imjustawarrior]

He gets frustrated at me for not doling out cash, and see's how I am able to pull in capital and income, and since he is only 10 with almost no way of earning cash beyond HH chores it bothers him.

He wants to earn cash so he can start paying for the things he wants. It's my job to ensure he has enough for the things he needs, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I agree with you.

At 10 he could start earning some money by shoveling snow, mowing yards, raking leaves, and such for neighbors. This assumes he has the strength and maturity to do so. I started doing odd jobs around 10, but I wasn't always the best due to my maturity level. Since he is motivated, he may do quite well.

 

[1242Vintage]

Have three kids and we didn’t expect them to contribute anything towards their living expenses or undergrad college costs. Wrote some big checks during those years.

We haven’t paid anything after undergrad degrees.

All are in STEM fields (nurse, engineer & high energy physicist).

 

[Finance Dave]

I think this has to be highly individualized based on the child's goals, maturity, family financial situation, and so many more things. However, in general I think if a child is not working towards self-supporting they need to be gently pushed out of the nest.

I'd start the conversation when they are in their mid teens. "Son, we want you to be a responsible adult and be working towards supporting yourself. We love you and want to help you, but you need to learn to stand on your own. Once you're done with school (whether that be high school or college), we'll be expecting you to contribute financially to the household. And, we'll be increasing the amount you need to contribute such that you'll want to begin looking for your own place at some point. You don't need to rush, but your goal should be to be independent."

Every so often, touch base to reinforce the above...then...

Then when they finish college...
"Son, you remember our discussion about self-supporting. We know you just finished school and it takes time to find a job...but you can start working part-time at an unskilled job now while you search for permanent employment. We're going to give you 3 months to get on your feet and save an emergency fund. After that, you'll be paying $100/mo starting in October, and that will increase by $100/mo every 2 months until it reaches a market-rate for rent. You'll also need to start paying for your own insurance, phone, and so on starting at the same time. Please plan accordingly and let us know if you have any questions."

Adjust the above numbers as needed, but the idea remains the same...we're here to help...but you need to start moving forward on your own.

And hopefully you've been teaching them about money all through childhood, getting them to open bank accounts, start an IRA, learn to write checks and use Venmo, investing, and so on. We would also expect them to pay some small portion of their college bills and apply for lots of grants and scholarships.

 

[Ivo Archer]

You can teach your kids to sail, but if you sail the boat for them, they will never learn. It's heart wrenching when they tip the boat over, but uplifting when they right the boat on their own and keep sailing.

 

[Koolau]

Our kids couldn't wait to get out on their own after high school. They got some money from their grandparents and applied that to school and living costs. They also took on loans.

AFTER they got degrees, we helped pay off student loans.

They could have stayed at home for "free" but that's not what THEY wanted. Who knew?

 

[JoeWras]

I'd start the conversation when they are in their mid teens.

Whatever a parent decides to do, this has to happen at that age. The best reason is driving. We give kids the ability to drive a 3 ton killing machine on our streets, and that's the time to start to learn what being an adult means.

I must have had a good driver's ed teacher, so he helped out the parents. He made it clear you can go to jail for driving. Student:"Doesn't insurance cover the accident?" Teach:"Not if you are grossly negligent. You can't just do anything." And then he explained vehicular manslaughter. And then he explained liability insurance, and how you can bankrupt your parents, etc.

Came home and had the insurance discussion with mom and dad and got immediately depressed as mom explained how much it would cost as I got on their insurance, and my part in it.

 

[mh]

I lived at my parents place (ventura county, so cal) at various times in my younger days when i was doing software consulting/contract work and it didn't make sense for me to own something. They got more out of it than i did as i'd do a lot of stuff for them and i was single and unattached most of the time. I got lucky in that most of the gigs i was doing ended up being close to the old homestead anyways. I'd do the periodic home improvement ,walk the dogs, etc.. . When i transitioned into a regular j*b i bought a place like a half mile away. another piece of luck really in that i always kept an eye out for a good purchase in the area. If you are patient that really pays off. Anyways there was never any "when is he going to leave?" if there was i wouldn't have been there and it was obvious to them i wasn't dependent on them. Years on once my mom was by herself and getting on in years i had a routine of dropping my mini schnauzer at her place on the way to work and they would hang out and keep each other company. Then i'd spend a bit of time with her on my way back. So.. sometimes the kids "hanging about" can be a good thing (not that anyone is saying otherwise mind you )

 

[Spock]

I lived at my parents place (ventura county, so cal) at various times in my younger days when i was doing software consulting/contract work and it didn't make sense for me to own something. They got more out of it than i did as i'd do a lot of stuff for them and i was single and unattached most of the time. I got lucky in that most of the gigs i was doing ended up being close to the old homestead anyways. I'd do the periodic home improvement ,walk the dogs, etc.. . When i transitioned into a regular j*b i bought a place like a half mile away. another piece of luck really in that i always kept an eye out for a good purchase in the area. If you are patient that really pays off. Anyways there was never any "when is he going to leave?" if there was i wouldn't have been there and it was obvious to them i wasn't dependent on them. Years on once my mom was by herself and getting on in years i had a routine of dropping my mini schnauzer at her place on the way to work and they would hang out and keep each other company. Then i'd spend a bit of time with her on my way back. So.. sometimes the kids "hanging about" can be a good thing (not that anyone is saying otherwise mind you )

Love the idea of the dog as a co-conspirator.

 

[Markola]

Much of this stay-at-home trend post-college (which isn’t the OP’s question, I realize) seems a mutual choice. Special needs patients aside, if grown kids can’t find a job and a group of roommates to share rent to get them launched, great choices are a military service stint, Peace Corps, AmeriCorps, construction crew, working on a fishing boat in Alaska, a summer fire crew, seasonal park work, ski patrol, fellowship to grad school, etc. If there’s actually a will, there’s a way.