Why get remarried at a later age?

[ponyboy]

Just out of curiosity, later in life, why would someone feel the need to get married? Religious reasons, financial reasons such as married filing jointly, health insurance? I hear a lot of stories how a spouse will die after decades of marriage, someone will remarry and that relationship only lasts a couple years. Is there anything wrong with "dating" long term?

Edit: I'm not saying not to get remarried, more of a general question as to why get remarried. Is the legal binding contract necessary vs dating long term.

 

[Badger]

I think you will get a variety of answers from anyone who remarried late in life since everyone's situation is different. Otherwise answers from those like me who are still married (at least at the moment unless I screw up) are only speculation. For now that is not something I think about. But if I became single later then I think I would rather just develop a close monogamous friendship or remain single with my memories.

 

[FLSUnFIRE]

I would only marry again for legal/financial reasons with a pretty detailed prenup to protect us both....and probably later in life. Post-divorce the "death do us part" thing carries little weight for me. -We both broke our vows so as far as I'm concerned making those vows again really isn't worth much. Also, at our age/stage of life, we should already be well established and will be more sharing our lives than building a life together from the bottom up as a union at a young age would foster.

I hope to find a life long partner (whatever the label) and will try to honor our commitment and put the effort in to make the relationship endure. One of the regrets (lessons!) I have in my life is that I did not try harder to save our marriage -would have taken both of us but I don't think it was irreconcilable if we both were not so quick to take the easy way out and dissolve the marriage.

 

[CaptTom]

One thing I've noticed on click-bait sites like market watch dot com is there are always headlines about children of remarried parents getting shut out of their biological parent's inheritance by the new spouse.

So, I assume that would be an issue which you'd want to resolve up front, before remarrying.

To me the bigger issue is the legal rights, especially if one partner is injured or incapacitated. My wife recently had a major operation. I can't imagine having to explain that I'm "just a partner." Saying "I'm her husband" opened a lot of doors, literally and figuratively, in the hospital.

 

[ShokWaveRider]

Small Tax benefits maybe?

 

[Aerides]

Maybe for many it's the same reasons as any age: Love, commitment, companionship, and "just" living together isn't what they prefer?

Doesn't have to make sense on paper!

 

[Taco]

In addition to love/commitment reasons, often, spousal benefits > girlfriend/boyfriend benefits.

A couple of financial examples are Social Security spousal benefit and pension plans with surviving spouse options. Not that money should drive all decisions, but if you love someone and want to provide for them in the case of your demise, sometimes being married can help with that.

 

[mystang52]

I'm 72, and based on genetics DW will definitely outlive me. But if I somehow found myself widowed, and met another partner, I can't see ever getting remarried. I don't think I'd even want to "live in sin."

 

[athena53]

Grandpa married a woman for religious reasons when both were widowed and in their late 70s. At the time widows who remarried at any age lost the Survivor benefit and she'd be collecting 1/2 Grandpa's, which was smaller. Grandpa asked if the priest could marry them and not report it to the state. No, that was illegal. Fortunately they did OK on his money.

I'm 72 and can't see it happening. Not ruling it out but my finances are extremely healthy, life is very good (as I mentioned in another thread I have a good man in my life but not marriage material for many reasons) and having an only child who says he doesn't want my money (and I believe him) greatly reduces any concerns about my estate. I do have a couple of friends from my church who married in their late 60s. Both lovely people, clearly crazy about each other, each financially sound on their own. He buys her flowers every month on the "anniversary" of the day they met. If I could find a relationship that real I'd consider it.

 

[Midpack]

Maybe for many it's the same reasons as any age: Love, commitment, companionship, and "just" living together isn't what they prefer?

Doesn't have to make sense on paper!

Exactly. I do know I wouldn’t prefer to live alone, DW makes life much better. At some advanced age I probably wouldn’t remarry if DW goes first, but that may not be until our late 80’s…

 

[street]

An interesting thread and does make me think about the possibility of me outliving my wife. History would have it that I outlive her but who knows.
It would be nice to have someone to be with in life to the end. There is also the tax benefit but of course that shouldn't be the main reason for re-marrying.
If for some reason if wife would pass away and I'm in my early 70's I would consider marrying again.

 

[cathy63]

My grandfather got remarried at age 82 after being divorced for more than 40 years. She was 65 at the time. They married for love. They held hands all the time and celebrated their anniversary monthly because they always said they didn't know how many more years they'd have. It turned out they had 17 years as he died just short of his 100th birthday. I'm sure she's a big part of the reason he lived so long.

 

[DJRR]

One thing I've noticed on click-bait sites like market watch dot com is there are always headlines about children of remarried parents getting shut out of their biological parent's inheritance by the new spouse.

So, I assume that would be an issue which you'd want to resolve up front, before remarrying.

To me the bigger issue is the legal rights, especially if one partner is injured or incapacitated. My wife recently had a major operation. I can't imagine having to explain that I'm "just a partner." Saying "I'm her husband" opened a lot of doors, literally and figuratively, in the hospital.

Think these 2 things nail it. My Dad remarried and I said I was fine with whatever he did, just make it clear who owns what and where the money goes. My step Mom also had a business and I did not want to be fighting with her kids over who was owed what.

Eventually, after 20 years of marriage, he changed his will to leave the majority to his new wife and my sister and I "lost" some inheritance. That was his choice, and it was clear, so I have almost no problem with it

For my kids I try to remind them that living together is not being married for things like debts, medical care, etc. Their boyfriend does not get to decide when to pull the plug and you will pay for "his" car if he skips because it is in your name.

 

[wrigley]

Because they want to.

 

[Texas Proud]

Maybe for many it's the same reasons as any age: Love, commitment, companionship, and "just" living together isn't what they prefer?

Doesn't have to make sense on paper!

LOL... I have told a few women who have dated men who tell them that marriage is 'just a piece of paper' that they should then say 'since it does not mean anything to you but a lot to me you should give me just that piece of paper'.... some broke up after that...

 

[skyking1]

Maybe for many it's the same reasons as any age: Love, commitment, companionship, and "just" living together isn't what they prefer?

Doesn't have to make sense on paper!

Thank you.
We have noticed some people we know are just not built to be "not married". Others are.

 

[athena53]

For my kids I try to remind them that living together is not being married for things like debts, medical care, etc. Their boyfriend does not get to decide when to pull the plug and you will pay for "his" car if he skips because it is in your name.

This. I found this out the hard way when my first husband neglected to pay a lot of medical bills (or submit them to the insurance company). We kept getting nasty letters, he told me he'd take care of them and I should have known better because he was terrible with bill-paying, but I was scrambling to keep my job (Ex was unemployed), pay the other bills and keep myself and DS sane. While we were in the process of divorcing they tried to attach MY wages. That was scary. My attorney held them off and they were paid out of his share of the home equity after we sold the house and I then filed the insurance claims and sent him the reimbursements. As a senior, a spouse's potential medical and LTC bills would be an even bigger consideration.

 

[RetiredHappy]

Maybe it is for romantic and old fashion reasons. Then there is also the belief of not wanting to live in sin. There is also the rare situation where both parties are not long term resident in the same country and the only way to be able to stay longer than a social visit duration is to get permanent residency by getting married. It is not my situation (romantically) but as an example,I have this close friend whom I have had for 35 years but since I gave up my citizenship after I took on US citizenship many decades ago, if we were to get together into a long term relationship, it would have to involve marriage to get a permanent residency in one country.

 

[pacergal]

I don't believe anyone "needs" to get married, you choose too.

DH and I have discussed this many times. I, for one, would not get remarried or live together.
If something were to happen to DH (and statistically, I will out live him), I have no desire to have another person live with me. I may date, I may have a relationship, but beyond that, no. I simply know that is not something I want.

 

[engineernerd]

As the other posts here clarify, there are good reasons some people should get married and also good reasons others should NOT get married!

I do think that not getting married - unless there are strong reasons to not get married that do not imply any judgments about the other person - reveals the limits to the depth of the relationship. I'm reminded of those "Dear Abby" letters from people (mostly women) crying about the fact that their long-term doesn't-believe-in-marriage boyfriend got married to someone else very soon after their relationship ended.

 

[RetiredHappy]

I do think that not getting married - unless there are strong reasons to not get married that do not imply any judgments about the other person - reveals the limits to the depth of the relationship. I'm reminded of those "Dear Abby" letters from people (mostly women) crying about the fact that their long-term doesn't-believe-in-marriage boyfriend got married to someone else very soon after their relationship ended.

Like Rory McIIroy telling Caroline Wozniacki just before their wedding he couldn't marry her because he wasn't ready for all that marriage entails. He then went on to date Erica Stoll and got married 3 years later.

 

[Route246]

I have been married for a normal/long time and we built our lives and family up nicely together, starting very modestly to the point now where I would consider us quite comfortable. It was a long slow buildup with no financial windfalls or anything like that, just living below our means and remaining disciplined.

That said, there is one thing that both of us have observed and luckily the both of us are immune to. That is: MONEY CAN CHANGE PEOPLE IN UNEXPECTED WAYS. We all should know what that means because we have all observed it.

If my wife or I died suddenly we have talked about this because financially we would be a nice catch for someone late in life who was not as well off as we as a widow or widower would be. It is really a hard problem to deal with and the thought of stepchildren freezing out our children decades later is chilling because it has happened in two instances we know about with friends of friends. I only speak for myself but if I remarried I'm not sure how I would protect our children's inheritable assets 20 years later, especially if dementia or other circumstances intervenes. The only thing I could think of is to put a big chunk of our assets into a trust controlled by our children in the event of one of their parents (us) dies. We are both OK with this but not sure how to make sure it fires off properly when one of us dies. We are thinking at least 75% goes into this trust which only our children can get to it. The new spouse would have no way to get to those assets. We would be OK with 25% being put at risk of something going sideways decades later.

For me, why would I remarry? Basically because of convenience, social norms and mutual affection. I'm old enough to know that lovey-dovey romantic stuff is a bunch of BS when it comes to later years when physical disabilities, sickness and lost brain function come into the picture. At that point there better be some commitment, trust and loyalty in place, the whole in sickness and in health needs to be solid and at that point the goal is to treat it as a natural progression and duty. But, money can change behaviors in unexpected ways.....

 

[Sojourner]

I married DW somewhat "late" in life (mid-50s), and for me the decision was multi-faceted. I had never been married previously, so I wanted to fulfill my lifelong desire to have a wife. I also knew she really wanted to be married and have a big, joyous wedding with lots of friends and family to celebrate with. And I knew there were certain other benefits (tax, legal, societal/cultural) that would be good for us, all things considered. For us, it definitely was the right decision, but I could see how others in my demographic (age, personal history, financial status) might come to a different conclusion.

 

[Pluperfect]

I do think that not getting married - unless there are strong reasons to not get married that do not imply any judgments about the other person - reveals the limits to the depth of the relationship.

That's kind of harsh. I know my boyfriend and I are outliers, but we've been together for over 25 years without being married.

Getting married requires an affirmative step, and we haven't bothered to take it. I don't think we have a shallow relationship, but maybe I'm wrong?

 

[skipro33]

We'll be married 50 years in a couple more months. I KNOW I'll never marry again if my wife passes before me. She is too engrained into the person I am today that it simply would be impossible to erase her from my daily life and make the same commitment to another woman that I made with her. It wouldn't be fair to another woman, living in the shadow of the person who made me who I am now. I can't help but think there would be a comparison at the very least, eating away at the vows to commit to one another, forsaking all others.
I understand about the fear of dying alone, and after 50 years together, one of us is going to be left behind. But at our advanced ages, while there are many good years ahead if either of us were to pass suddenly, we have our families and friends, church and community. There may be room for an opposite sex friend, but it would never be a live-in relationship, let alone marriage.