Why get remarried at a later age?

[reneeh63]

From a somewhat different perspective, I was married for 13 years after living together for a couple years just out of college. Basically we (or maybe just me!) married because he needed extremely extensive and expensive surgery and because we had the same employer our insurance would pay 100% if we married. I was fine living together, and this was back in the '80s...anyway we were pretty good for 10 years but ended up divorcing.

Now I'm in a relationship of about 20 years - yes, far longer than my marriage! And no, we'll never marry. Neither of us have children but we clearly have well-developed careers and finances. I'm just about to retire (actually in a week!) and while he's my beneficiary for most things marriage is just not in the cards. I have no desire to combine finances that were developed completely separately from him and have no need for his money. We share expenses but live in my house and that will continue.

Maybe it's easier because both my parents and sister are gone now and his family is all in another country? There's no one to please but us...

 

[marko]

I wonder if there’s a correlation between those views and people still in their first marriage.

Dunno. I'm on #2 but I side with the romantics.

 

[Koolau]

I dunno....... I've read the entire thread and found it very interesting but can't really think of why I would remarry if DW predeceases me.

Our 55th anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. We became "steadies" at 16 and married at 22. We've pulled well in tandem and have been enjoying a nice FIRE lifestyle for the last couple of decades. We have the kids and grand kids nearby as well as substantial extended family and friends we keep close too. I think that would be all I'd need.

I can certainly understand how someone else could feel differently. I think it would be an individual thing.

Your situation is so similar to ours. Dating at 16. Married at 23. Soon to reach 55! Just a couple of kids - still hold hands.

 

[Gumby]

I have been married for 41 years. I expect the young wife will survive me, but if by some quirk of fate she does not, I can't imagine marrying again.

 

[Markola]

Married 29 years, but if that situation ever arose, my ideal would be no marriage, lots of travel and experiences together and separately, and each of us have different residences (not that I’ve given it any thought. Ever.)

 

[FlaGator]

At this point in my widowed life, I can't visualize introducing a new potential partner to my daughter. I'm sure I would need to have her approval as she would be getting a new (possible) stepmother. And my daughter is very protective of me......

I thought I was the only one with that approval process....

 

[FlaGator]

Back to the original question. I had a few reasons to marry again.

-First marriage was good, and I wanted someone to "get to the end with" again. Did it once, and believed I'd found someone worth seeing through to the end a second time, even if it ended up being the sad circumstances of the first one.
-We had kids after 17 years together, so the youngsters only saw the "Mom and Dad" portion of our relationship. Thought this would be an example for them of what a marriage could be like when it's 2 adults without the full-time activities of young kids in the house.
-My teen kids did not have a close adult female as an advisor or role model. But I was not going to allow there to be a replacement "mother". She sealed it with my two when Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" came on and she started singing along like Mike Meyers and Dana Carvey in Wayne's World 
-We had many things in common, so there was always something to do together or talk about.

Every one of those proved true, but only to a degree. And that wasn't enough to sustain a relationship put together after 40 years of different experiences (and they were later revealed to be very different than I initially believed). And she had her problems with me as well.

What's next? Don't know. Still licking my wounds from that failure and I'm not currently motivated to start looking for a long-term relationship. And if I do, I will be wondering if I want to be left alone again if she leaves or predeceases me, or if I want to put the burden of my final care on her if I go first. The first wife and I put a lot "in the bank" during our 30+ years together and that made it very easy for me to get her to the end and keep going after she was gone. Not obvious how that could happen at this point in my life.

 

[Badger]

With my first marriage lasting for almost 10 years before a divorce, I didn't think I would get married again. I wasn't going to go through infidelity from another person again. Then 5 years later I thought I would role the dice with the stipulation that if it happened I would be gone that day since there would be no trust left. She felt the same way. Neither of us had much to bring into the marriage except for a modest house that I was trying to fix up to live in. We were both about 40 yrs old when we married and combined our meager assets to build a new life together. We have remained faithful for the past 37 years and it looks like it will last. I got lucky this time. At our age I don't think either of us will want to try with another partner again. If I was to become a widower I know I will die alone. When my time is up I will have no family left. Arrangements are already made to be buried next to her.

 

[aja8888]

I thought I was the only one with that approval process....

LOL!

 

[TheWizard]

Grandpa and his impecunious second wife had a pre-nup...

"Impecunious" is a great word. We should all use it more often...

 

[Koolau]

I wonder if there’s a correlation between those views and people still in their first marriage.

There just might be. We certainly don't recommend stocks we lost a lot of money on, so recommending marriage is likely done by those of us who have several good married years under our belt.

 

[DJRR]

Dunno. I'm on #2 but I side with the romantics.

LOL. I'm on #1 and side with the practical, but I have been caregiving for 10+ years so maybe not so romantic as I used to be.

 

[Koolau]

LOL. I'm on #1 and side with the practical, but I have been caregiving for 10+ years so maybe not so romantic as I used to be.

In sickness and in health.

It seems to go with the territory. DW and I seem to take turns "caring" for one another. So far, nothing too serious, but you do learn a lot about your relationship during the hard times.

 

[aja8888]

There just might be. We certainly don't recommend stocks we lost a lot of money on, so recommending marriage is likely done by those of us who have several good married years under our belt.

Well, what happens after you lose your partner after a great marriage is once the grieving period is over (a year or so), you find yourself lonely. Typically, the married friends you had in the past are no longer calling you and including you in their activities. You probably had very few single friends too. And your family...well, they have lives to live and will become less involved in your new life.

Now some people can handle this situation quite well by involving themselves in activities where other people like them are doing things. Typically, Meetup Groups are places most migrate to. Or they go to the gym a lot. Some people migrate to online dating sites which are full of all kinds of surprises. On those, you have to be able to separate the wheat from the chaff. Not easy to do and you can waste a lot of time (and money).

Finding a new potential marriage partner after a long and successful marriage? Hard to do and very chancy. That's why many elect to stay "single". Maybe you will get lucky finding one?

It's been two plus years for me now (since DW passed) and I am over the grieving (mostly). I have a good group of friends and have a lot to do to keep me occupied. I see a lady like me periodically, and she is basically a breakfast/dinner partner and neither of us have any intentions to go beyond that. I can live within my own skin at this stage of life.

 

[Koolau]

I've known more than one guy who had "given up" on finding a "new" wife. It was about the time they quit "trying" that Ms Right (not Ms Right-now) came into view.

 

[aja8888]

I've known more than one guy who had "given up" on finding a "new" wife. It was about the time they quit "trying" that Ms Right (not Ms Right-now) came into view.

Happens a lot, I wish them all luck, they will usually need it.

 

[Koolau]

Happens a lot, I wish them all luck, they will usually need it.

Two guys I'm thinking of at this moment: One guy passed a year ago after 45 years with his 2nd wife.

The other guy married his realtor after she found him a great place - next door to her condo.

 

[aja8888]

Two guys I'm thinking of at this moment: One guy passed a year ago after 45 years with his 2nd wife.

The other guy married his realtor after she found him a great place - next door to her condo.

Young age marriages. It worked for me at age 50. But now? Not going to try. Plus, I already was a caretaker for years.

 

[Koolau]

Young age marriages. It worked for me at age 50. But now? Not going to try. Plus, I already was a caretaker for years.

You never know. Perhaps a new wife would be YOUR caretaker for years. Life is a crap shoot - then you die.

 

[aja8888]

You never know. Perhaps a new wife would be YOUR caretaker for years. Life is a crap shoot - then you die.

I don't want to burden any family member with my future caretaker needs, if any.

 

[Scrapr]

My first wife passed after 26 years married. Just as we were getting to the fun part of life. Nearing retirement in a town that we both loved. I waited almost 2 years before dating. I used a dating app for >50(?) year olds. Had a few dud dates and then an "OK" one with my future wife. We laugh about it now. But we texted a lot and I had a good feeling. She was a few years off a divorce. About a year after she moved in. And another year we married. Why? I couldn't tell you exactly. Possibly a rekindling of what I had with my late wife. It's been better & more fulfilling than I imagined. (She completes me) (LOL)

I had gone into the dating not looking to get married. Just dating for fun. all my antenae were up on every woman I met through the app. Not going to be a sugar daddy. All our finances are separate. She has a house at the beach & my house is in the "city". So each of us can have alone time. I was on the lookout for interpersonal triggers or poor experiences. She passed all the tests. we each have one child (late 20's). My son is fine w my wife. Her daughter has not come around yet....(if ever) My son came to our wedding in Edinburgh. Her daughter did not.
this has been a great part of my life & I'm very happy

 

[athena53]

I don't want to burden any family member with my future caretaker needs, if any.

Same here. My financial plan is solid, even with the scary LTC scenario. I do hope they come and visit me, though!

 

[aja8888]

Same here. My financial plan is solid, even with the scary LTC scenario. I do hope they come and visit me, though!

They will, I took care of my wife until she passed in a facility. I was there daily (all day). The kids came and visited, but were not doing the work. Interestingly, my wife did not want to see any friends while in the place, just family.

 

[Out of Steam]

An interesting thread and does make me think about the possibility of me outliving my wife. History would have it that I outlive her but who knows.

At retirement six years ago, my wife and I assumed that I would likely outlive her. Retirement has agreed with her health, and I have picked up a serious diagnosis, so it now seems close to a 50/50 proposition.

As we get older, I'm starting to believe that our daughter should inherit some retirement account assets at the death of either one of us.

 

[Dash man]

As we get older, I'm starting to believe that our daughter should inherit some retirement account assets at the death of either one of us.

We’ve put into each of our trusts that each of our boys would get $200k upon the death of the first spouse. We also give each a cash gift at Christmas each year.