Why get remarried at a later age?

[SecondCor521]

I've seen things all over the map.

My Dad and Mom were married for about 52 1/2 years until she passed away. About a year later my Dad met a nice lady in the retirement place and they were an item for about 7 years until her family all moved to another state and she was pressured / forced to follow them. She and my Dad both have dementia and both live in memory care, so they don't / can't really talk any more. My Dad asked her to marry him but she turned him down - she had already seen her first husband die from brain cancer and I'm sure she looked at my then-82-year-old Dad in declining health and said "No thank you." I supported her decision.

I know of a couple who in their 60s married in the church to please his son, but didn't marry in the eyes of the IRS to preserve her first husband's very very nice pension. They've been together probably 20 years. Second marriage for both.

I was married about 15 years and we had three kids. She left and married someone else. I've been single for 19 years. I've dated a smattering of times, but would only marry the absolute right person and so far I haven't met her yet and maybe not even then. I've met an amazing woman recently but it's early and there are probably question marks on both sides to be figured out. Time will tell.

My grandmother was married for maybe 36 years, then a widower for 15 years or so. Got married to a guy when she was about 74 and then got divorced about two weeks later because they were too set in their ways.

 

[Diogenes]

As others have aptly noted, there is no universal answer because there are no universal ethics, and even if there were such universality of values etc., we'd still have particular worries, fears, preferences etc.

Self-awareness hasn't been my strong suit, but nevertheless, I've learned that I like people in the large, in the abstract. Humanity is a fairly decent bunch! But I'm too egotistical to have children or a spouse. Kindness is good to exercise, and charity too. But greed can't be helped. That being so, I prefer relationships of middle distance, of middle intensity or intimacy. Commitment, yes; marriage, no. Help, yes. But sharing of portfolio, no. Living together, yes. But sharing sense of individuality, of sense of purpose and actualization... no.

Most issues of survivorship/inheritance can be handled by documents exterior to marriage... POD for brokerage accounts, for example. And when my girlfriend was ill and I accompanied her to her treatments, all of the medical people just assumed that I was her husband... nobody asked for any documentation.

 

[Koolau]

I don't want to burden any family member with my future caretaker needs, if any.

No one WANTS to be a burden, but let's face it: We all have been a burden to someone and we very likely will be a burden again before we die. DW and I take turns being burden and burden bearer. Just part of the marriage and never questioned.

When it comes to family, my favorite expression is "You do what you gotta do for family."

But I also understand your sentiment: You would never go into a new relationship with the idea that "Now I have someone to take care of me in my old age."

 

[Pluperfect]

I know of a couple who in their 60s married in the church to please his son, but didn't marry in the eyes of the IRS to preserve her first husband's very very nice pension. They've been together probably 20 years. Second marriage for both.

I posted upthread about how my boyfriend and I have been together, unmarried, for 25 years, and was happy nobody claimed we were common-law married because we'd lived together more than X years.

But this couple you mentioned is interesting. With any luck, they don't live in a state that recognizes common law marriage at all (presumably they didn't make the church wedding official in the eyes of the government, by getting a license and all).

But if they are in a state that recognizes common law marriage, the classic case is when they hold themselves out as being married for some purposes and not married for other purposes, and the IRS is often one of the purposes. The fact that they went through a marriage ceremony could make things very difficult, not to mention your referring to their coupledom as a "marriage" (how a couple holds themselves out to others is part of the equation).

(As you can probably tell, common law marriage is kind of a hobby of mine. Or, more accurately, avoiding having a common law marriage. )

 

[SecondCor521]

I posted upthread about how my boyfriend and I have been together, unmarried, for 25 years, and was happy nobody claimed we were common-law married because we'd lived together more than X years.

But this couple you mentioned is interesting. With any luck, they don't live in a state that recognizes common law marriage at all (presumably they didn't make the church wedding official in the eyes of the government, by getting a license and all).

But if they are in a state that recognizes common law marriage, the classic case is when they hold themselves out as being married for some purposes and not married for other purposes, and the IRS is often one of the purposes. The fact that they went through a marriage ceremony could make things very difficult, not to mention your referring to their coupledom as a "marriage" (how a couple holds themselves out to others is part of the equation).

(As you can probably tell, common law marriage is kind of a hobby of mine. Or, more accurately, avoiding having a common law marriage. )

I'm familiar with the legal construct of common law marriage. This couple lives in Idaho, and Idaho stopped recognizing common law marriages as of 1/1/1996. I don't know when they got "church married" but I'm pretty certain it was after that date. They're smart folk so I'm sure they researched the situation before the ceremony. They do certainly hold themselves out as a married couple, so if their ceremony was before 1/1/96 I think they'd have a situation.

They're family friends, but it's not my circus, not my monkeys.

 

[More Cowbell]

DM and a widower from her church (call him CG) started doing stuff together several years after DF died, so she was already in her 80s. Their houses were nearby, they were both active in their church, and eventually they started traveling together. CG also traveled separately to his homeland. DM told me that CG told her he wasn’t planning to ever get married again.

At the start of 2020, DM came into an inheritance. She and CG decided to isolate together as both had health issues. Then in 2021, they got married without a pre-nuptial contract because he didn’t trust lawyers.

DM changed her personal accounts to joint accounts with her new husband, because her mindset is that’s what married people do. Luckily her house is in the trust, and she put the bulk of her inheritance into trust accounts.

I think DM wanted someone to take care of her in her old age. CG is 10 years younger, and had taken care of his wife before she died. However, 6 months ago CG got a Parkinson’s diagnosis, so the future is unclear.

 

[DJRR]

In sickness and in health.

It seems to go with the territory. DW and I seem to take turns "caring" for one another. So far, nothing too serious, but you do learn a lot about your relationship during the hard times.

Absolutley, could have easily been the other way, but it wasn't. Long term losses that you can't do anything about wear you out. Thankfully the decline seems to have stabilized now.

 

[athena53]

I know of a couple who in their 60s married in the church to please his son, but didn't marry in the eyes of the IRS to preserve her first husband's very very nice pension. They've been together probably 20 years. Second marriage for both.

I'm not sure how they can do this. Grandpa asked the priest if he and his fiancee could be married in church but not have it reported to the civil authorities (at the time, fiancee would have lost her husband's Survivor benefits from SS and switched to half of Grandpa's, which was less). The priest said he couldn't do that. A Google search confirms that unless you file documents with the state, the marriage doesn't exist.

 

[Gumby]

Marriage is within the jurisdiction of each state, and the requirements vary from state to state. For instance, some states recognize common law marriages, but most do not. Some states allow first cousins to marry while others do not. The IRS and Social Security consider you to be married if your state does.

 

[VanWinkle]

We'll be married 50 years in a couple more months. I KNOW I'll never marry again if my wife passes before me. She is too engrained into the person I am today that it simply would be impossible to erase her from my daily life and make the same commitment to another woman that I made with her. It wouldn't be fair to another woman, living in the shadow of the person who made me who I am now. I can't help but think there would be a comparison at the very least, eating away at the vows to commit to one another, forsaking all others.
I understand about the fear of dying alone, and after 50 years together, one of us is going to be left behind. But at our advanced ages, while there are many good years ahead if either of us were to pass suddenly, we have our families and friends, church and community. There may be room for an opposite sex friend, but it would never be a live-in relationship, let alone marriage.

Never say never! You will find that you are a changed person after losing a long term spouse. Everything changes as far as couple friends, traveling, waking in the morning, just watching TV is different. I am almost 6 years widowed by DW, and I have not remarried to this point. I do have a partner and we have discussed getting married including an engagement ring. We are living together and enjoying life again. She is also widowed so we have that to help comfort each other. I might have sounded like you before it happened, but now I have a different perspective on late life marriage.

 

[VanWinkle]

Marriage is within the jurisdiction of each state, and the requirements vary from state to state. For instance, some states recognize common law marriages, but most do not. Some states allow first cousins to marry while others do not. The IRS and Social Security consider you to be married if your state does.

Please note that marriage is not always a tax advantage due to the difference in the taxable Social Security brkts between single and married filing jointly. 25,000 to 34,000 for singles, 32,000 to 44,000 for married filing jointly. More SS is taxable as a married couple in many situations.

 

[aja8888]

Never say never! You will find that you are a changed person after losing a long term spouse. Everything changes as far as couple friends, traveling, waking in the morning, just watching TV is different. I am almost 6 years widowed by DW, and I have not remarried to this point. I do have a partner and we have discussed getting married including an engagement ring. We are living together and enjoying life again. She is also widowed so we have that to help comfort each other. I might have sounded like you before it happened, but now I have a different perspective on late life marriage.

How true, after 2+ years becoming a widower, almost everything in my daily life has changed.

 

[Chuckanut]

If both people have children getting remarried in the senior years can be problematic. There are assets that need to be kept separate to protect the children. Then some of the kids move out of state and there is pressure to move away form one spouse’s children to be with the other spouse’s children.

Besides, most women over 60 don’t seem to want a husband anyway. They want “A man in their life, but not in their house”. And certainly they don’t want any legal ties and encumbrances to mess up future plans.

 

[aja8888]

If both people have children getting remarried in the senior years can be problematic. There are assets that need to be kept separate to protect the children. Then some of the kids move out of state and there is pressure to move away form one spouse’s children to be with the other spouse’s children.

Besides, most women over 60 don’t seem to want a husband anyway. They want “A man in their life, but not in their house”. And certainly they don’t want any legal ties and encumbrances to mess up future plans.

How true!

Actually, what I seem to want anymore is a good cup of coffee in the morning and no traffic problems if I have to go somewhere. A move in partner is not in my thoughts process either.

 

[Chuckanut]

Never say never! You will find that you are a changed person after losing a long term spouse. Everything changes as far as couple friends, traveling, waking in the morning, just watching TV is different. I am almost 6 years widowed by DW, and I have not remarried to this point. I do have a partner and we have discussed getting married including an engagement ring. We are living together and enjoying life again. She is also widowed so we have that to help comfort each other. I might have sounded like you before it happened, but now I have a different perspective on late life marriage.

I’ve met a lot of older people who have had the same experience. After a few years of grieving, being alone is not all it’s cracked up to be. Having a partner (married or not) makes a lot of sense. But, to each his/her own. YMMV.

 

[Texas Proud]

When my oldest sister's DH died many years ago she was around 70... she said she was no interested in getting married again because what she saw was that most men wanted what she said was 'a purse or a nurse' and she did not want to be either...

I kinda agree there is no reason to get married really late in life unless you really want too... I would hate to get married and after 2 or so years have them require a lot of care that might last 10 more years...

 

[Teacher Terry]

My friend that married so quickly was looking for a man 6 months after her husband died. She had no interest in developing a full life with friends and activities. Her only goal was to get married again.

I have always had many friends and made new ones in my condo building. I have been married almost my entire life and am really enjoying setting my own schedule, having total control of my finances, not cleaning up other’s messes and listening to criticism. It’s been 4 years and I’m loving it.

 

[SecondCor521]

I'm not sure how they can do this. Grandpa asked the priest if he and his fiancee could be married in church but not have it reported to the civil authorities (at the time, fiancee would have lost her husband's Survivor benefits from SS and switched to half of Grandpa's, which was less). The priest said he couldn't do that. A Google search confirms that unless you file documents with the state, the marriage doesn't exist.

I'm not sure how either. Again, they do live in Idaho, where the law is essentially, "We leave everyone alone as long as they don't try to take our guns."

Marriage is within the jurisdiction of each state, and the requirements vary from state to state. For instance, some states recognize common law marriages, but most do not. Some states allow first cousins to marry while others do not. The IRS and Social Security consider you to be married if your state does.

 

[RetiredHappy]

I have always had many friends and made new ones in my condo building. I have been married almost my entire life and am really enjoying setting my own schedule, having total control of my finances, not cleaning up other’s messes and listening to criticism. It’s been 4 years and I’m loving it.

That's how I feel at the moment. If my husband goes before me, it will be nice to have alone time and do whatever I want!

 

[Chuckanut]

I’ve heard of retired clergy performing marriages that they claim are non state sanctioned marriage ceremonies. There is a risk. The state will kick them out of the official “marriage with a legal license” business if it finds out.

Some clergy simply ask god/higher-power/etc. to bless the union. Nothing wrong with that as long as “we render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s”.

 

[Chuckanut]

Just a side notice for those looking for some entertainment in regards to marriages that are not legal by the book.

There is an old movie from 1952 called We’re Not Married about five couples who find out that a new impatient state official married them a few days before his power to do so became official. A few years later each couple receives a letter informing them that they are not legally married. Each couple is a short story about how that news affected their lives. It’s very funny and entertaining.

In this classic romantic comedy, five couples discover that their marriages are not legally valid because the justice of the peace who married them was not officially authorized at the time. Marilyn Monroe plays one of the wives, alongside a star-studded cast including Ginger Rogers, Fred Allen, and Zsa Zsa Gabor. The film humorously explores how each couple reacts to the unexpected news, with some trying to remarry and others seeing it as an opportunity for a fresh start.

 

[SecondCor521]

I’ve heard of retired clergy performing marriages that they claim are non state sanctioned marriage ceremonies. There is a risk. The state will kick them out of the official “marriage with a legal license” business if it finds out.

Again, probably not in Idaho as long as the clergy doesn't take anyone's guns.

My friends could have called it a commitment ceremony or some such.

It's very much a "wink wink, nudge nudge" kind of situation. Nobody really cares (except the kids who pushed it and the couple who came up with the solution).

Some clergy simply ask god/higher-power/etc. to bless the union. Nothing wrong with that as long as “we render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s”.

Yup. My marriage license 30+ years ago was $28 and I think we both had to say we were HIV negative. That and a couple of witness signatures on the marriage certificate.

 

[Dtail]

That's how I feel at the moment. If my husband goes before me, it will be nice to have alone time and do whatever I want!

It sounds like you already do what you want.

 

[RetiredHappy]

It sounds like you already do what you want.

So true!

 

[Aerides]

That's how I feel at the moment. If my husband goes before me, it will be nice to have alone time and do whatever I want!

One thing almost every married woman I know agrees on: You just can't clean the house properly when your DH is in it.